A Rose Remembered

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything, though they don’t have as much fun as we do!

Rated PG-13

Kathryn sat at her desk, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork facing her since their dramatic return to the Alpha Quadrant. Hah! How long had it been since there had been any actual paper involved in paperwork! Nevertheless, in any century, beaurocracies were only happy if they buried you in paperwork. Kathryn had a macabre vision of herself being literally buried with her paperwork. She realized her thoughts were treading a darker path lately...since the Admiral...and that conversation, though it would be more accurate to say since her revelation.

Pushing herself back from the desk, she decided it was time to refuel with more coffee. There was nothing in the universe that couldn't be solved with either a hot bath or a huge cup of java... or even better... having both!

Settling herself back into her chair with a satisfied sigh, Kathryn's smile faded as she gazed at her screen. A message blinked there, waiting to be accessed. A message from him—Chakotay. What would it contain? Would it concern her? Would it turn the idea of him with Seven into a reality, and not just a future happening? After the bombshell Admiral Janeway had dropped, Kathryn was truly afraid for the first time. Was Chakotay now destined to marry Seven of Nine? Was it really too late? Was it over for her?

She set her coffee aside as she felt her stomach roll rebelliously at the thought. She settled back and tried to deal with her fears.

Worst-case scenario: Chakotay was in love with Seven and completely over his feelings for Kathryn. Too much time had passed and her chance had slipped away.

Best-case scenario: Chakotay was just dating Seven (not much better really), but not serious about her, and he is only waiting for the time to be right for a romantic relationship to finally be a reality for the command team. Maybe he was just helping Seven with her social development. It could happen, right?

Hmmm… the best-case scenario didn't sound really very likely in that light, did it? Why was it that the worst-case scenario always sounded so much more plausible? And why on earth did she think that psychological problem solving was going to get her anywhere?

Snorting to herself, Kathryn decided maybe she should just clean up her desk a bit. A little busy work to avoid that damned blinking message. Ignore it. It'll wait...or better yet, maybe it'll just go away. I've always been able to put a hex on my replicator, why not on the ships messaging system?? Starfleet and a handy starbase would be right there even if the problem spread throughout the whole ships ship's computer core. It's always a thought, she smiled to herself whimsically, and started pulling open drawers.

Crew rosters (which would be changing soon), shift rotations (not a problem anymore!), B'Elanna's latest technological report (thank God, no more scrounging), Seven's theory on Quantum fissures (yawn....now be nice, Kathryn....she can't help but be pompous and absolutely assured of her importance in the universe...meow, Kathryn...or would that be pffft pfff?) Kathryn didn’t feel any regret over her growing animosity towards Seven; if a woman couldn't feel some dislike for a rival, then she shouldn't consider herself much of a female. More PADDs, a hypo of the mild analgesic the Doctor had pushed on her for her migraines, more and more rubbish.

Now for THE bottom drawer; she hesitated only briefly—anticipating what she'd find inside.

Memories, so many memories. Her lips quirked in a lopsided smile as she picked up the PADD lying on top of the pile. Activating it, she scanned through the pictures she had from their stay on New Earth. Chakotay's sand paintings, a few pictures he'd taken of Kathryn with her garden, a picture of their monkey friend, and finally a picture of Chakotay standing beside her bathtub, just after he'd maneuvered it into the clearing in front of their dwelling. He looked so proud, and Kathryn giggled remembering how she'd harangued him from inside the hut because he'd made her promise to not come outside until he said everything was ready. No… wheedling hadn't gotten her anywhere then either. But it had made him laugh so much that he had finally warned her that she'd never get her present if she kept it up. Here was the tiny bag with some seeds of Talaxian tomatoes--hadn't she meant to plant those, just to remember? And rocks from the river that they'd never gotten to sail down. Kathryn sighed. Regret hadn't weighed her down, because she'd always thought that they'd get to sail on Lake George for real together, and more. So much more.

Oh gosh, these were the leis from that little holodeck party. Chakotay had liked seeing her relax and had jokingly draped his lei around her neck after the party saying how it had complemented her outfit and brought out the sparkle in her eyes. He had always managed to push the border of friendship by his little gallantries and his playfulness. When had that changed? Why didn't she remember?

The burnt down stub of a candle from their celebratory dinner the night before Voyager tried the slipstream drive. And there was the cork from the bottle of champagne they had shared in her quarters. Oh lord, how she'd dreamt that night. She had truly believed that the freedom for them to be lovers in more than her imagination was only a step away. She had allowed her touches to linger and had even led him by the hand to sit with her by the viewport as they had talked through the night about their plans. Both making it clear that their future included the other. God, how much hope had she felt bubbling up inside her, just like the champagne bubbles rising in her glass.

"Oh my. I'd forgotten you were in there," Kathryn whispered as she pulled out a small specimen box. These boxes were designed to keep items suspended for further study, but Kathryn had used this one for her own reasons. Opening the box, she gently lifted out the rose. She inhaled its heady fragrance and brushed the soft petals across her lips, smiling at the joy she felt in seeing it again. Chakotay had given it to her after that incredible incident involving the shuttle crash. He'd thought he'd killed her—she remembered watching his anguish. Knowing with absolute certainty that he loved her as she loved him. Absolutely. She had despaired then at the idea of being separated from him. How could she have born it? How could she have moved on to another existence knowing that she’d never told him the depth of her feelings for him, never gotten to be his lover or the chance to become his wife. How ironic that she was again facing the same future. Facing a future alone…knowing how bleak any life would be without him.

Kathryn let her eyes close trying to stop the tears from escaping, concentrating desperately on the sweetness of her peace rose. Her rose. His gift, just like his love had been a gift, but she'd forgotten to treasure it. Forgotten how precious it was. How could she be without him?

Chakotay stepped into her ready room, concerned that she hadn't answered the door chime, but he was astounded by the sight of Kathryn holding a rose, tears falling silently down her cheeks. "Kathryn! What is it?" He stepped forward, reaching out to comfort her, distressed at the sight of her in pain.

Kathryn jumped up, dropping her rose, and turned slightly away from him. She tried to wipe away the evidence of her tears, leaving the drawer and all her little keepsakes lying on her desk. Thinking only of escape. Embarrassed that he'd found her mourning over him…over her dreams of a life with him.

Chakotay stopped in front of her desk, staring down at the things lying in the circle of PADDs piled on her desk. He slowly reached out and picked up the peace rose. He lifted it to his face, breathing in the sweetness, blinking against the sting of tears. She'd kept it. And so many other things. His eyes lingered on the images, the river rocks, the champagne cork, and finally the lei. He smiled as he embraced the memories each item resurrected. Every item represented moments of true happiness for him…of being with the woman he loved. "I didn't know you had kept mementos," he murmured, touched as he discovered another facet to this fascinating woman’s personality. She tried so often to deny herself…to deny her emotions.

"Have I ever shown you my collection? I even have a lock of your hair...it seems that a certain Talaxian thought I might miss the fall of your hair across your shoulders. Neelix was a romantic." He stopped when he realized he was rambling. He was overwhelmed by the chaos of his confusion...twenty-four hours ago he’d been so sure that he’d finally reached a point where he could move on. That maybe his feelings for Seven would be enough to build upon...enough to heal his heart. That maybe he could finally face the fact that his hopes for a life with Kathryn were futile.

Get a grip on yourself, man. He took a deep breath. He had to ask. Even if he thought he knew her answer, he had to. He couldn’t walk away from this opportunity without trying. Their command relationship would be ending soon so he had little to lose. He wanted to live on a planet again, watch a sunrise and feel the wind against his skin. Life aboard starships would no longer be a part of his life, but what about her? Could she be a part of his life? Would she want to be after all this time?

"Kathryn." Turning he walked over to stand behind her where she was staring out the viewport. Her reflection showed that she was still crying. "Kathryn," he repeated in a gentle voice, "tell me why you're crying?" When she didn't answer he continued, "I guess I always hoped you'd carry memories of all of the good times. Something that could help lighten the burden when you felt under the press of command. I know that it’s kept me sane and whole—something happy to hang on to, when things got difficult, when I felt like we were drifting apart, or when you were in danger. Did I tell you that I braided that lock of your hair? I keep it in my medicine bundle. So that you will never be alone. You will always have me and my friendship." His voice became hoarse at the end. Dammit! He was losing his nerve in face of her continued silence.

Kathryn shook her head, her breathing ragged. When she sobbed, Chakotay couldn't help himself. His hands grasped her shoulders, pulling her back against his chest. He rested his face against her temple, placing a gentle kiss there. "Please. Please, Kathryn. Tell me. Don't make me stand here while you're crying. Talk to me. Let me help you. Didn't I say that you'd never be alone?"

Kathryn allowed herself to lean back against him. "Yes...and I'm afraid..." she cleared her throat, "I'm afraid that I took that for granted for too long, Chakotay." She felt him stiffen. "I know I did. I kept the barriers up, kept to those damned parameters I set for myself...for us," her voice broke again before she went on again in a more firm tone. "I felt so sure that there'd be a day. That I could bring the ship back to Fleet and I could finally tell you that I love you. That I started falling in love with you, there on New Earth. That I fell more in love with you every day. I put our relationship aside and expected to be able to pick it up again, but I know now. I waited too long. The Admiral told me about you and Seven."

Chakotay felt like he was in rough waters, being overwhelmed by wave after wave of conflicting emotions. Hope, fear, embarrassment, and confusion. "So you know I'm dating Seven. So what? I've dated before. Why is Seven different? I'm not intimate with her. I've never gotten that involved with a crewmember, not when..." He stopped himself. "What did the Admiral tell you?"

Kathryn felt drained by her tears, she'd always hated crying. Somehow she always felt like tears were too close to self pity, anger would probably have been more useful, but she couldn't feel angry with him. She was too much a part of the problem. She'd taken it all for granted. "She told me that you and Seven married and that upon her untimely death, that you went on to grieve for the rest of your life. She made it clear that we...that I still loved you, but that our chance had passed. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I know that I should feel happy that you've found someone who can love you back without reservation. But to be honest, I'm not." She gave a bitter laugh. Her hands came up to cover his where they rested on her shoulders still. She caught his eyes in the reflection from the viewport. "I was trying to figure out where it changed. I want you to be happy, but...God I want you for myself." She smiled grimly. "I'll be honest and say that I still love you. I put my heart away, just like I put that rose away. Suspended animation. My feelings are still the same as the day when you gave me that flower."

Chakotay spun away from her, tearing his hands away from her grasp. He walked back over to her desk, resting his hands on the edge, his head hanging down. Kathryn followed him. "Chakotay, I know that it's too late, but I need to tell you why I waited. I made a decision seven years ago that stranded this crew...our crew...far from their homes. Far away from their loved ones. I did that! I took that away from them. They didn't have the luxury of a choice. I told myself that I'd die before I gave up on finding a way back home for them. So they could be whole again. I was afraid. Afraid that if I let myself hesitate, if I let myself feel anything but that unswerving determination that I'd fail them. I was afraid that if I were happy, if I started a life with you, then I'd stop caring about getting home. After all, you were a convicted criminal in the Alpha Quadrant. I wouldn't have given you up to them easily. I would have done anything rather than let you spend your life in a Cardassian prison camp. And considering Starfleet’s stance on Cardassia, well, I wondered if they would even try to protect you. In the end though, I couldn't let loving you matter more than the crew. I'm sorry. I know that may not sound like love, but I had gotten them into this mess, and I owed it to them to get them home." Kathryn reached out to put her hand in the center of his back. His head came up as she spoke to him and she reached up to caress the hair that just brushed his collar. Stroking the nape of his neck, she relished the delicious heat of his skin. "Can you understand? I had to make it right, but it cost me everything, Chakotay. It cost me you. That should be a high enough price to pay, don't you think? Trading seven years, and the lives of so many of them, for the rest of my life. Loneliness should be a high enough cost for what I chose to do."

Chakotay straightened. "Yes, Kathryn, loneliness is a high enough cost. We've both paid it. Over and over again in the last seven years. But for the rest of your life..." His voice trailed off as he turned. He had tear tracks upon his cheeks, but his face was tender. He held her rose…no, it was their rose now, out to her. "I'd say that is up to you. What do you choose now, Kathryn? Loneliness or a life together? The future is still to be written. And the choice is in your hands again. What do you want?"

Kathryn couldn't speak. The lump in her throat was too big an obstacle. But she could smile and take the rose. She knew it held all the promise today that it had all those years ago. Reaching up, cupping his cheek with one hand, and holding the rose against his face with the other, she stood on tiptoe to kiss him. "I choose you, Chakotay. Only you. For the rest of our life together."

The rose fell back to her desk to lie amidst the rest of their mementos, but she knew that it was only the beginning of their life together, not the end. Now, the rose would never fade. They would keep it alive, together.