Commander Chakotay stood outside, waiting patiently. “Captain, do you have a minute or is this a bad time?”
She relaxed slightly. “Come in, Commander,” she replied, then rose and moved around her desk, leading him to the couch. He sat beside her, closer than normal, a smile on his lips but worry in his eyes.
“What can I do for you?” she asked, trying to appear calm although her hands were clutching each other in her lap.
“Actually, I was wondering if there is something I can do for you.” At her puzzled look, he explained. “I know what you had to do in sickbay – Harry told me. I’m concerned that you….” He paused, trying to find the right words, “will bury all the emotions you must be feeling, that you won’t let yourself grieve.”
She tried unsuccessfully to swallow the sob that was forcing its way up her throat.
“I….I’m fine,” she got out in a whisper.
He covered her hands with his. “No, you’re not. It’s all right to mourn a loss. It doesn’t diminish you in my eyes, or anyone else’s. You’re allowed to cry, Kathryn. You dignify Tuvix’s death and give his existence meaning, by mourning him.”
“I’m a Starfleet captain…..” she began.
“You were a human being long before you became a captain. Don’t let Starfleet training bury your humanity. Your strength comes from that – command only enhances it.”
She stared at him, her eyes full of unshed tears. He lifted one hand and very lightly stroked her cheek. “Let yourself grieve properly. Take strength from it.”
She pulled her hands free and buried her face in them. He could see her shoulders tremble and laid a hand on one, trying to give her support, to let her know he was there, with her in spirit as well as body. She mumbled unintelligibly.
“I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” he asked.
She looked up, her face wet. “I killed him, Chakotay! I murdered him in cold blood! Deliberately took his life!” Her voice was agonized. “What do I do? How can I live with that?!”
He moved closer yet and slid his arm around her shoulders, tucking her face into his neck. He rested his chin on her head, speaking softly, soothingly.
“You made the only choice you could. Tuvok and Neelix deserve to be allowed to go on with their lives. Tuvix was a ‘transporter accident.’ He seemed like an individual, certainly behaved like one, but the bottom line is, he was Tuvok and Neelix in the wrong form, and they wanted, and we wanted them, to be in their right forms. You took the only road there was, Captain. There was no other choice.”
“Do you really believe that?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yes, I do.” He held her away from him, so he could gaze intently into her eyes. “I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to be a captain. Sometimes, you have to make a decision that wants to eat at your soul for months after. But you make it anyway, for the good of the ship and crew. You’re as strong as you have to be.”
“I don’t feel very strong right now.”
“I know.” He kissed her forehead very tenderly and tucked her back under his chin. “That’s why I’m here. To give you the strength you need. For as long as you need me.”
She sighed
and relaxed against him, enjoying the solid bulk supporting her.
For a little while, it was nice to be able to lean on someone else.
Soon enough, she would have to stand up and be the captain.
THE END ENDING ONE TUVOK