TOO LATE

I hate her.

So much so, that I would like to kill her, and the intensity of the emotion shocks me. As I watch the two of them circulate around the room together, I plan her death. An accidental fall into the warp core, a sudden hull breach right where she stands, a stumble into an open airlock, a shuttle explosion. Or the ultimate living death - return her to the Borg. There are many ways I could easily cause her end, and I wonder if I could get away with it. Probably not, but it still might be worth it.

Except it would not change things. Because I, together with the whole room, can see the love in Chakotay's eyes as he looks at her, and I know that removing her from his life would not get me where I want to be, which is in her place. By his side. It would not make those beautiful dark eyes gaze at me as tenderly as he looks at her.

How dare she? He's mine, always been mine! At least, in my heart he has been. For a while we were not getting along, but I hoped that things were changing for the better. In fact, I had arrived at the conclusion that it was time to throw protocol to the wind and let my feelings for him be known. I had decided that tonight was the night. After planning it for so long, down to the last detail, this is just so unfair that I could almost sit down right here and cry.

Today I heard Chakotay say that he was going to Sandrine's, and although I have not been here in many months, I knew this was my opportunity. I could see it clearly in my mind. Casually sauntering up to the bar, wearing the blue outfit that compliments my eyes, I would ask him for a drink. Some light conversation, perhaps a game or two of pool, a dance, and then we would leave together to go to his quarters, and maybe…hopefully…

Except he came through the door holding hands with her, looking like the skies had opened and given him the most precious gift he could ever have asked for. Everyone was shocked, but with the kindness of this Voyager family, they quickly accepted the situation. After all, his joy radiates, and she gazes at him with shining adoration. It is she - not me - who is laughing with him over a pool game, then in his arms on the dance floor. She, and not me. Her hair is in a different style, soft and longer than I expected, and she wears a red outfit that hugs her curves. She looks young and glowing and beautiful. And all my plans turn to ashes in my mouth, and I know I am too late.

I hate her. And I hate myself for my stupidity.

Did I really expect him to wait forever? Particularly after what happened on Quarra, I should have known that Chakotay would decide to move on with his life, to stop waiting. I have delayed too long and there is only myself to blame. Impotent rage makes me clench my fists at my side.

How can this be happening now? I know all the rules regarding relationships probably better than anyone on this ship, and have abided by them steadfastly. Senior officers are not supposed to fraternize with someone under their command, so I had hoped that he and I might have a chance for a more personal relationship once we arrived on Earth. But I finally reconciled myself to the truth that those rules never took into account a situation such as Voyager's, in deep space possibly for a lifetime. And I had daydreamed for so long what it would be like to see him look at me with desire, to feel him touch me, hold me, love me.

The pain, the anger, the jealousy roar through me so strongly that I feel weak and slightly nauseous as all the years of hope dissolve before my eyes, and I hate her even more for making me feel this way. Just this morning, I went to the doctor, taking the last steps of preparation, in case Chakotay and I, well…

I see the doctor looking at me with sympathy in his eyes, and you could almost believe it was real. A hologram expressing sympathy for a Human. It annoys me. Thank goodness he is the only one aware of my intentions. I just don't think I could stand the compassionate looks of the crew if they knew how much I wanted, longed, to be the object of Chakotay's love and desire. Instead, I will now forever be relegated only to the roles of his colleague and friend.

The couple is standing right in front of me and his arm is around her shoulders, hers around his waist. I force down the bile that has risen in my throat. Striving for what I hope is a calm, friendly expression, I greet them briefly, but I find I simply cannot tolerate any more, the pain is too great. With a short nod, I excuse myself, and head toward the exit. The sound of husky laughter draws my head around just in time to witness Chakotay lightly kiss Captain Janeway's smiling mouth, and the sight stabs my heart with a sharp ache.

The doctor catches my eye, and I change direction in order to speak with him.

"Doctor, is it possible to have my failsafe device restored?"

The End.

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© Brianna Thomas, March 2004 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.