IF

Disclaimer: See Part 1

Two and half weeks later, Janeway murdered a member of her crew. He had only been with the crew for two weeks, but all the same, she turned a deaf ear to his pleas for mercy. It was she who made the final decision, she who pressed home the hypospray while looking into the sad, accusing eyes of Tuvix, and she who activated the transporter that returned Neelix and Tuvok to their normal selves.

Tuvix had asked Kes to appeal to Janeway on his behalf, but instead the girl had wept, imploring the captain to return Neelix to her. On the bridge, Tuvix begged for his life, begged the bridge crew for assistance, but no one stepped forward, no one took up his appeal for clemency. He accused them of executing him, and it felt exactly like that as the security guards marched him to Sickbay. A place of healing that became his death chamber.

Although Chakotay had given her a look of support and understanding on the bridge, although Kes dashed into Neelix's arms with a cry of joy, and although Tuvok had nodded his gratitude to her, in her heart of hearts, anguish viciously lashed her soul to shreds at what she'd done. What she'd had to do.

Regrets aren't always about wrong decisions. Sometimes it's about circumstances you wish could be otherwise.

Alone in her quarters, she couldn't settle. It wouldn't have mattered which two members of her crew had been merged, she still would have made the same decision. But when Kes had begged her to bring back Neelix, the thought she'd been shoving to the back of her mind thrust itself forward, demanding attention:

What if it had been Chakotay?

Instead of a haven, her quarters felt like a cage and she paced, circling around and around, her thoughts duplicating her actions. Tuvix was dead; welcome back Neelix and Tuvok. Tuvix was dead; welcome back Neelix and Tuvok. Tuvix was dead…

Almost on instinct, she quickly donned her running gear and exited her quarters. She rang the chime at Chakotay's door insistently. When he came to his door, he took one look at her face, then said, "Give me a minute and I'll get changed."

It was late, so there weren't many others in the gym program on the holodeck. Same as last time, they began silently. But the solace she yearned for escaped her tonight. Her rhythm was off, she felt like her body was fighting itself, and she had a stitch in her side that wouldn't leave. On top of that, her thoughts were still churning. After twenty-five minutes, she pulled up and leaned forward, hands on her thighs.

"It's not helping tonight, is it?" Chakotay asked.

Still slumped over, she shook her head, her braid dangling forward to brush her face. Straightening up, she flicked it back in irritation.

"Come on, let's walk," he encouraged her, "or we'll stiffen up."

A couple of laps later, Janeway dropped onto a bench. Chakotay sat on the ground facing her. He undid his shoes and set them neatly aside to begin rubbing his feet.

"A few years ago, we'd set charges in a Cardassian holding when we were ambushed." His expression soured. "I know now that was care of Seska. We were trying to get back to Liberty when a member of my crew fell into a pit hidden by the Cardassians. It was twenty feet deep, both his legs were broken, and probably his back as well. Three sharpened spikes has punctured his side. The Cardassians were closing in on us and we had no way to rescue him. To leave him was out of the question, because the Cardies would torture him to death. I'll never forget the look on his face when he said, 'Just do it, Chakotay.' He looked so calm. So I did it. I set my phaser to kill, and I shot him. It was the only thing to do, yet am I haunted by it to this day."

The pain on his face was so obvious she ached for him, yet she knew he would do it again if necessary. As would she if faced with such a situation. "Sometimes facing death is easier than facing life." Janeway took a long breath, blowing it out slowly. "You probably know that my father was killed in a shuttle accident." At his confirming nod, she continued. "What you may not know, is that my fiancé was also on that shuttle."

Chakotay's expression was a mixture of shock and confusion. "But I thought-"

"Justin, my first fiancé," she explained. "And so was I."

His eyes opened wide and his mouth formed an 'O'. He reached forward to briefly touch the back of her hand. "You were in the back of the shuttle?"

She nodded. "I was thrown clear on impact. The official report was that wind shear caused the crash, and the shuttle sank."

"Unofficially?" he prompted.

"Unofficially, there were questions of Cardassian interference. To my knowledge, it was never proven. Mind you, I'm sure we would never have been told even if it was." She paused. It was always hard to think about this part. "I went into a deep depression afterwards for a long time."

"That's understandable. You'd lost two very important people in your life, but you were still alive. It's classic survivor's guilt."

She shook her head impatiently. "Yes, I felt guilty to still be alive. And guilty at being relieved to be alive. If my father or Justin had been seated in the back instead of me, one of them would probably be alive, and I would be dead." She regarded him fiercely. "I can accept that I had, you could say, the 'right' to be depressed. But I went to bed for months, indulging myself. Yes, I'd had a great loss, but my mother had lost her husband of over twenty-five years and my sister had also lost her father. My mother couldn't begin to grieve properly because she was worrying about her oldest daughter. I didn't think about them at all. All I thought of was escaping my own pain. It was completely selfish. Certainly, I wish the circumstances had been different - that my father and Justin hadn't died like that. But most of all, I wish I'd handled it better."

Chakotay rested an arm on his bent knee, studying her. "So the majority of the guilt stemmed from disappointment in your own behavior."

"I guess that's so," she agreed. He smiled at her gently. "Welcome to the human race. And here I was starting to think you were above mere mortal imperfections."

Shocked, she stared at him dumbfounded for a moment, then burst out laughing. Leaning forward, she punched his solid, muscular shoulder.

Frowning, he rubbed his shoulder with exaggerated care. "Hey! I'm going to register a complaint of physical abuse by a superior officer. That is, once I figure out who to register it with."

Even though the few remaining people in the gym were starting to stare, his teasing just made her laugh all the harder until she leaned sideways on the bench, arms crossed over her stomach. Gradually she calmed and straightened up. "Thank you, Chakotay. I needed that today of all days."

"Glad to oblige. And just think, not only do you feel better, but now you don't have to do any abdominals." He grinned at her.

She stood up. "No, but I think we have a run to finish. Come on, Commander. Get those shoes back on, and let's make tracks."

Later, standing outside Chakotay's quarters, he turned to her. "You know that I not only supported, but agreed with your decision regarding Tuvix, don't you?"

"Yes I do," she replied. "I am curious as to your reasons, though."

"If it had been possible to extract Neelix and Tuvok and still keep Tuvix alive, that would have been great," he began.

"Or if the Doctor had been unable to figure out a procedure at all," she interjected.

He nodded, then counted on his fingers. "I have two reasons: first, the crew and Kes needed Neelix back. Second, the crew and you needed Tuvok back."

"Me?" she stated, surprised.

Chakotay shrugged. "He's your oldest and closest friend. And even you, Captain, are allowed to need friends."

As usual, he was right. Janeway looked down for a moment, and made a decision. "Chakotay, perhaps when we are in private you could call me by my first name. The only time I ever hear it is from myself in first contact situations."

His smile lit up the corridor, and touched something deep in her heart. "It would be an honor. Goodnight, Kathryn."

He disappeared into his quarters before she could reply. As she turned to her own door, she wasn't sure if she could truthfully say any longer that Tuvok was her closest friend.

Inside her quarters, she stood in the middle of the room and circled slowly. How different everything looked. No longer a cage, but the haven of tranquility it was meant to be. Paintings and pictures on the walls, artifacts and mementos on shelves, along with real books. A centerpiece on the table made by the Delaney twins as a Christmas present last year.

Then her circle halted at the door to her bedroom. Through that door the picture of Mark was still on her bedside table.

Starfleet captains don't-

"Shut up!" she told the voice.

Telling the story of the crash on Tau Cetti Prime reminded her of the vow she'd made to herself after recovering, never again to run from anything that needed to be faced. She recalled one of her professors in command training at the Academy. "Your survival as an officer and as a person can depend on recognizing when it's time to take a stand and when it's time to run." Then he'd slammed his hand on the lectern and added, "Never mix the two of them up! You give power to your enemy that can kill you and others."

The fact that she'd been running from this issue spoke volumes.

When the Botha attacked Voyager's crew with enervating hallucinations, the alien in the guise of Mark had accused her of mental unfaithfulness, of someone else being in her heart. At the time, she'd thought the alien had tapped into her recent use of the gothic romance novel on the holodeck. Now she wondered if the Bothan had sensed more in her mind than she'd been aware of at the time.

"Alright, Janeway," she muttered aloud, "you're a scientist; analyze the data." For that, she needed a coffee and a PADD. Settled at her desk, mug at her side, she began to type.

Fact: From the moment we met, there's been a strong connection between myself and Chakotay.

Fact: He understands my reality better than Mark ever could, as much as he might try.

She paused, wondering what Mark was doing now. If their situations were reversed, what would she be doing, nearly two years after the disappearance of her fiancé? She tapped her tooth with her fingernail before typing again.

Fact: By now, Mark would be trying to accept that I am gone, and taking initial steps to move on.

She thought of how the litany had changed over the weeks, and that after the encounter with the Drayans, she'd said, "Besides, I love Mark." After a few moments of pondering, she slowly typed:

Fact: I love Mark, and will always love him. But I'm no longer in love with him. He has come to represent the idea of security and home.

Fact: If Voyager were to get home tomorrow, Mark and I would be friends, but I doubt we would be lovers again. I've changed too much from everything I've experienced out here, and by now, so has he.

Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away. Freedom came from accepting what cannot be changed and moving forward.

Fact: If Commander Cavit had survived the Caretaker's pull into the Delta Quadrant, I would not be pondering this issue.

The idea of considering a relationship with Commander Cavit made her laugh out loud. The man had been a fine officer. Of the candidates that had been available for the position, Cavit had stood out above the rest, and she'd readily chosen him. Experienced, yes, skilled, most definitely. Charisma? She shook her head.

Odd that the one area Cavit and Chakotay had agreed upon was that neither had liked Tom Paris, Cavit for the young man's betrayal of Starfleet principles, and Chakotay for what appeared to be Tom's betrayal of the Maquis. Their relationship had finally improved through their collaboration to expose the traitor working with Seska.

Another thought occurred to her that made her pulse spike. If Cavit had survived, would Chakotay still be her first officer? Possibly not, and if that were the case, would he be under her command? The various scenarios played through her mind, and she wondered if there were universes where each possibility was a reality.

Turning her mind back to the PADD, she added:

What conclusions can be reached through observing the behavior of the two subjects?

She was a tactile person, but did she touch Chakotay more than other people? Considering for a few moments, she concluded she probably did. When they had encountered the Komar, she'd felt like a knife had lanced through her when the Doctor informed her Chakotay was brain dead. So great was her relief when he was restored, she'd not been able to stop touching him, despite the presence of other crew around them.

As commanding officers, they often needed to confer privately, but did they stand closer together than was strictly necessary? Perhaps.

Thoughts flitted through her mind like barn swallows darting across an Indiana field of grain.

Commander, your stick.

If things had happened differently, and we were on the Maquis ship now instead of Voyager, would you have served under me? ~ One of the nice things about being captain is that you can keep some things to yourself.

No matter what happens, we'll make it. Remember that.

Everyone is lonely, and all we have is each other. I think eventually people will begin to pair off. ~ Including you?

In the future, if I have any questions about mating behavior, I'll know where to go.

I'm putting you on report, in case that means anything anymore. ~ It means something to me, Captain. It means I've let you down, and for that I'm truly sorry.

That's one trick you won't be able to use again when we get back. ~ I have more.

In her mind she could see them, their postures, their expressions. She could hear their tones of voice. Other memories surfaced: the extreme and obvious relief in Chakotay's voice when the entire away team returned from the Mokra prison; Chakotay's hand warm and reassuring on her shoulder outside the cargo bay doors at the planet where they found Amelia Earhart.

"Oh my goodness," she moaned, pressing cold hands against her suddenly burning face. It had been right there in front of her all this time. Right there, for all the world to see. She raked her hands through her hair. What must the crew think? What else could they think? Undoubtedly some already assumed that the command team was having an affair. She groaned, sinking her face into her hands.

Yet, no negative comments had come her way, not even a caution from Tuvok, and she had referred to him as her moral compass. He above all would sense the true nature of the attraction between herself and Chakotay, yet he'd expressed no censure or concern to her. She wondered what it really meant that Tuvok had encouraged her to leave Chakotay with the Kazon when he'd attempted to retrieve the transporter Seska had stolen.

Not one of the crew showed any sign of insubordination, disrespect, or inability to take orders from either herself or Chakotay, despite what they must be thinking, despite the logical conclusions that could be drawn from the evidence. Interesting.

What of Chakotay? He was the perfect first officer, supporting and implementing her decisions, yet presenting questions and alternatives for her consideration. The two crews had integrated with few staffing problems, and both Starfleet and Maquis alike respected and obeyed him. So much, that both sides had been shocked at Paris' apparent flagrant insubordination.

Yet, underneath that cool first officer exterior, was a passionate intensity. She was aware of his attraction toward her, and more, aware of the warmth, the care, and support of her as a person, not just as his commanding officer. He never overstepped, but she knew the sudden flashes of something deep and powerful occasionally glimpsed in his eyes weren't mere figments of her imagination.

Her coffee cup was empty. She stretched her arms overhead, feeling a little stiff. "Computer, time?"

"The time is 0014."

Hesitating for a moment, she pressed the delete button on the PADD. She wasn't willing to take any overt steps regarding her discovery just yet, but she was willing to see how things progressed. She wondered briefly if another Janeway somewhere was contemplating the same issue. Ultimately, everything revolved around the needs of the crew.

If she allowed a relationship to develop, what would be the result on the crew? If the relationship failed, what would be the fallout? But if she decided against a more intimate relationship with Chakotay, what would be the far-reaching effect on the crew if she didn't fulfill that personal side of her life? Whichever way she went, there would be repercussions for the crew, both positive and negative. The question was, which route held the least negative for everyone?

"Enough for tonight," she murmured. One thing she knew for sure: the effect on the crew of an exhausted captain would not be positive.

Nothing overt happened over the next week, but her heart was light, and each day she entered the bridge with anticipation. She laughed more, was more willing to meet Chakotay's eyes, and accepted his invitations for lunch. He'd always been attuned to her, and she knew he had noticed the slight difference. He took to resting his hand in the small of her back whenever he guided her in front of him through a door. In the evenings, they visited Sandrines or worked out in the gym. Of great delight to her was hearing the way he said her name, like it was something precious to him.

One week later, Janeway was in her Ready Room when Chakotay requested her to return to the Bridge. Upon stepping through the doors, she could sense the atmosphere was one of restrained excitement. "I hope you have good news, Commander."

"I believe we do, Captain," he replied with a smile. "Scans indicate an M-class planet directly ahead."

"Inhabited?"

Ensign Kim tapped his console some more. "Negative, other than animal life. Seems to be plenty of vegetation and water as well, but that's all."

"I wonder why it's uninhabited?" she mused.

"Do we have visual yet?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes sir."

Janeway smiled. "Well, let's have it, Mr. Kim."

Silence descended over the entire bridge crew and every eye was riveted to the sight that shimmered into place on the view screen.

Green landmasses were surrounded by blue water, while white swirling clouds dotted the atmosphere. It was undeniably a beautiful planet. And very familiar.

Tom spoke in an awed voice. "It looks like…" He couldn't finish.

Mesmerized, Janeway slowly approached and gripped the back of Tom's chair. "Earth," she whispered. "It looks like Earth."

Chakotay's shoulder touched hers as he stood beside her. "It's a new earth."

Recovering herself, Janeway nodded and turned to him, delight in her face and voice. "Excellent name. New Earth. We must consult with Neelix to see what he knows of this planet."

"If Neelix has no negative reports, shall I plan shore leave for the crew? We could use it."

Joy simmered almost to the boiling point on the bridge at the mention of shore leave. "Good idea, Commander," she replied.

"And can I plan for the captain to take shore leave too?" he asked with a grin.

She looked from his expectant face back to the beautiful planet before them. Was there a Janeway somewhere who by-passed this opportunity? Not this Janeway, she decided firmly.

"Most definitely, Commander."

The End

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