OH WHAT FOOLS

Harry was very leery about walking into the holodeck. Even though it was his regular evening to play pool with Tom, it was only two days until April 1^st. And Tom had been way too quiet the last few days. It was almost possible to see the hamsters running around in that overgrown ten-year-old's brain. Harry knew it was just a matter of time before something came crashing down on him in the form of an April Fool's joke. He grinned to himself. No matter. He had a contingency plan to fall back on.

Harry sighed. "May as well get this over with," he muttered, and stepped through the doors into Sandrines. He was a little surprised. He'd half expected to find himself in one of B'Elanna's Klingon fitness programs with the safeties off. Or to find himself locked in with a holographic Taresian female intent on sucking the life out of him, all on account of that stupid virus he'd picked up at an away station that had altered his DNA.

He let his breath out slowly in relief as he spied Tom already at the table. Maybe this really would be just another night of pool. Tom probably wanted to wait until closer to April 1^st to spring whatever he had planned on his friend. Harry settled himself to have a good game. He'd been practicing lately and had improved to the point where he had almost beaten Tom on a couple of occasions.

"Harry, you're late!" Tom called out. "Grab your cue, grab a brew and let's get down to business."

The game was a squeaker, but Harry actually did manage to beat Tom. Tom sighed. "Wow, Harry. You've been sneaking in extra practices, haven't you?"

Harry nodded smugly. He'd finally beaten the self-proclaimed second best pool shark on Voyager. It felt pretty good.

"You know," Tom mused, "I'm going to have to pull out the heavy artillery here. I think it's time for my lucky pool cue."

"Your what?"

Tom talked over his shoulder as he headed toward a back room. "I have a lucky pool cue that I use for especially tough games, and it's never let me down yet. I'll be back in a second."

"I never knew you were superstitious," Harry called after him. In truth, it felt pretty good that Tom saw the need to pull out the lucky pool cue against him.

"Only when it comes to pool, and half-Klingon girlfriends," Tom's voice floated back to him.

In another moment, Tom reappeared screwing together a black pool cue. Harry's eyebrows did a Tuvok imitation. "St. Patrick's day is over, Tom. Is that your lucky bow tie?"

Tom didn't say anything, just grinned that saucy Paris grin. Harry had won, so it was his break. Unfortunately, his luck of the previous game had vanished and no balls went down. Then Tom took over, and proceeded to clear the table in the most impressive fashion Harry had ever witnessed. Tom made some shots that had Harry's mouth literally hanging open. All through the game, Tom never spoke a word.

"Wow, Tom, that was truly amazing. Was that the help of your lucky pool cue, or the bow tie?"

Tom remained silent, just watching Harry. Something began to niggle in the back of Harry's mind. Tom had never before been able to keep his mouth shut for this long. "Computer, end program." The walls of Sandrines, along with the bow tie-sporting Tom, shimmered and disappeared.

Standing some distance away was a grinning, non-bow tie wearing Tom Paris. "April Fool's, Harry!" He approached and clapped his friend on the back.

"Aren't there regulations against making holographic images of real people?"

Tom shook his head. "Not about making a holographic image of yourself, only of others. If I'd had time to get his vocals working, I would have had you longer, admit it."

As they headed toward the exit, Harry had to concede. "Okay, yeah, you would have. But I really should have realized something was off the moment I saw that green bow tie."

Tom stopped in confusion as Harry proceeded through the doors. "Green bow tie?" he muttered. "I didn't program any green bow tie."

*****

For the third time in as many hours, Chakotay caught the captain staring at him. As before, as soon as he looked her way, she glanced aside with a strange expression on her face. He decided to confront her. He leaned across the console. "Is something wrong, Captain? Do I have spinach in my teeth?"

"What?" She seemed startled.

He grinned at her. "I just wondered, judging by the way you've been looking at me, if I was wearing Neelix's dinner on my face."

They were both working the beta shift today after yesterday's late night negotiations with the Shrengaries. It had taken a long time, but they'd managed to secure permission to mine some of the much-needed minerals they were always short on. Tomorrow, B'Elanna and Harry would beaming down to the planet to oversee the operation.

Kathryn looked a little repulsed. "You mean you actually ate that green thing? Either you are a very brave man, Chakotay, or you have a death wish. And your face is…" Her voice trailed off as her eyes drifted over his visage.

"Captain?"

She seemed to snap back from whatever universe she had drifted to. "Fine. Yes, your face is, uh, just fine, Commander. No green spots at all. You have the bridge."

Chakotay watched as his commanding officer and friend practically ran off the bridge to her ready room. What the heck was going on with her? It was a good thing that Paris and Kim were playing pool tonight or he would have had to endure Paris flapping his gums big time.

He settled back in his seat as a thought occurred to him. He began to smile. According to the old Earth calendar, April 1^st was in two days. He nodded to himself. She had never before pulled an April Fool's joke on him, but there was always a first time. And things had been very quiet for the last couple of weeks. Maybe even Kathryn was feeling the need for a little diversion. Come to think of it, she had been eyeing him strangely yesterday each time the Shrengaries had withdrawn for some private discussion during the negotiations.

'Planning a little April Fool's shenanigans, Kathryn?' Chakotay thought. He smiled. 'Two can play at that game.' He was sure he could come up with something in the next two days. Something that would make her laugh and not land him in the brig.

*****

The next day, Neelix scurried back to the mess hall. It was getting close to lunch, and finding some extra supplies in storage had taken longer than he had expected. He needed to get back and begin the midday meal preparations.

He whizzed through the doors of the mess hall and came to an abrupt halt. It was completely dark. He knew he hadn't called for lights out before he left, especially in the middle of the day. Maybe Engineering was having a problem. He decided to try it anyway. "Computer, lights."

"Surprise!"

The chorus of yells so shocked Neelix that the bundle he had been carrying hit the deck. The Talaxian looked around in amazement at his circle of friends. There was the captain, the commander, Harry, Tom and B'Elanna, Tuvok, Seven, the doctor, and Samantha and Naomi Wildman. He realized that Naomi was approaching him.

"Happy birthday, Uncle Neelix. Were you surprised?"

"Oh my, yes, sweeting," Neelix managed to gasp. "If I was any more surprised, you'd be holding my memorial service instead of my birthday party."

Neelix happily allowed the little girl to lead him to a special seat of honor. He noticed that in addition to his immediate friends, half the crew had been hiding in the background. It was touching to receive the numerous cards, small gifts and well wishes from so many of those he served on a daily basis. Crewman Chell's present to him was to take over the mess hall for the next twenty-four hours. The captain's gift was a perfect Talaxian tomato plant, already in bloom. She had been nurturing it secretly over the last several weeks.

"Uncle Neelix, I couldn't think of what to give you, so I baked you a cake. I made it especially for you." The little Katarian set a small round cake before him, obviously awaiting his praise.

In truth, Neelix really did not at all like sweets. He didn't care for that sugary taste on his tongue, nor did he care for what they did to his innards later on. There had only ever been one individual who had made desserts that he liked. However, Naomi was watching him expectantly. "That was very thoughtful of you, Naomi. Yes, very kind indeed." There was a pause. All eyes were on him now.

"Well, aren't you going to try it? I searched and searched for just the right recipe for you."

The child's wide eyes were fastened on his face, so he sighed inwardly. "Of course, Naomi. Would you cut me a piece?" Mistake. The girl carefully cut a piece approximately a quarter of the whole cake, placing it triumphantly before him.

Picking up the fork, he braced himself for the unpleasant sweetness to coat his taste buds. As he closed his lips around the fork, his eyes popped wide open. "Mmmm, mmm, mmmm," was all he could manage.

Naomi clapped her hands over her mouth, giggling frantically and dancing from one foot to the other. "April Fool's, Uncle Neelix!" she burst out.

Everyone in the room laughed at the astonished expression on the chef's face. Neelix finally managed to speak. "Leola root! Naomi, how did you…?"

"I had help," she confessed.

Neelix's eyes drifted to the child's mother. "Sam…?"

Samantha Wildman shook her head. "I cannot take credit or blame for this escapade." Neelix followed the direction of her gaze across the room.

"Mr. Vulcan! I should have known. Only you could come up with such a scrumptious concoction." The ebullient Talaxian beamed at his unlikely friend.

The tall, dignified Vulcan nodded regally. "I believe felicitations are in order as well as," he hesitated a moment, "April Fool's."

The roomful of people returned to private conversations and laughter was heard all around. There was plenty of food on side tables to satisfy all those seeking lunch, and a second cake for the non-leola root eaters. After a while, some of the revelers began to head back to their stations, including the command team.

The captain paused just inside the doors to look back at her happy crew. Naomi had hold of Neelix's hands and was dancing around in a circle with him. Kathryn smiled up at her first officer. "Trust Naomi to come up with an April Fool's joke that is actually nice."

Chakotay nodded. "She's a sweet child, and Neelix is a very special person." He looked down at the woman at his side and touched his hand to her back. "Speaking of April Fool's jokes, what have you got up your sleeve, Kathryn?"

Her eyes snapped to his. "What? Chakotay, you know I don't do April Fool's jokes. I…" Her voice trailed off as she studied his face. She straightened up. "I need to check something in Engineering. I'll see you back on the bridge."

Chakotay watched her hastily retreating back with curiosity. He was even more convinced now that she was up to something.

*****

Tom was at the helm later that afternoon when the call came in. "Transporter Room One to the captain. I, uh..." There was the sound of a throat clearing. "I think you and Lieutenant Paris had better come down here."

The captain looked at her chief pilot. "Is there a problem with the return of the away team, Lieutenant Rollins?"

" - come down there. Yes, I got that. We're on our way." Janeway closed the connection. "All right, Mr. Paris. Let's go see what the fuss is all about. Mr. Tuvok, you're with me. Commander, you have the bridge."

"Aye, Captain."

The trip in the turbolift was silent, although Tom was sure everyone must be able to hear his heart pounding. It was supposed to be a simple away mission for B'Elanna and Harry, just to organize the mining of the minerals that had been agreed upon. Rollins had said they were safe, so what could have gone wrong?

As the three entered the transporter room, Tom's eyes went directly to the lone figure sitting on the edge of the transporter pad. The person lifted their head and looked straight into his eyes. Tom stopped breathing.

Who was he looking at? B'Eharry? Or should he say, Harlanna? When he/she stood up, Tom was sure he was going to pass out. The person before him was a perfect blend of both B'Elanna and Harry. His lover and his best friend.

"Report," Janeway demanded.

The hapless Lieutenant Rollins shrugged his shoulders. "Everything seemed fine with the transport up from the surface, although there seemed a slight delay before they, uh, she, uh…"

Janeway held her hand up. "It's all right, Mr. Rollins, thank you. Well, we seem to have another case of Tuvix here. Hmm." She clapped a startled Paris on the shoulder. "Not to worry, Tom. I'm sure we can fix this. Probably."

Tom stared at her. "Probably? But, but…" he stammered.

"Indeed, Mr. Paris," Commander Tuvok commented. "When Mr. Neelix and I were merged, at least we were the same gender. The fact that Lieutenant Torres and Ensign Kim are of different genders may complicate matters somewhat."

"Tom."

Tom's eyes swiveled around to the person before him. The voice was a little deeper than B'Elanna's but not as deep as Harry's. The ridges on the forehead were a little smoother, while the eyes held a slightly oriental slant to them. The hair was black, but the same length as B'Elanna's. The curves of the body were definitely that of a woman, and Tom found himself glancing down at the crotch, wondering. "B'E? Harry?" he whispered.

"Yes."

Tom slowly passed his hand down his face. Did this mean that this individual held both their memories? Did he/she know…? As if in answer, Harlanna leaned forward and whispered something in his ear. Tom reared back, blushing furiously.

"Captain, we need to get her, uh, them to Sickbay. Maybe the doctor can help again."

Janeway was casually leaning against the transporter console. "I don't know, Tom. Everything seems well in hand."

"Yeah, Tom, everything's well in hand, wouldn't you say, B'E?"

The voice was Harry's alone. Tom whipped around to behold the smirking faces of his lover and his best friend, who were both standing behind him. "What, what…?" He looked back over his shoulder just in time to see the dual figure touch something on its ankle. There was a slight shimmer, and the figure of the doctor morphed into place before his astonished eyes.

"April Fool's, Tom." Tom looked into the laughing eyes of B'Elanna. She continued. "You've always been the worst one for April Fool's jokes, so we just had to get you back."

Tom enclosed her in his arms. "I'm so relieved, I can't even work up the energy to get ticked off with you guys."

Harry laughed. "We had you good, didn't we?"

Tom looked at his best friend. "Yeah, you did. Guess you got me back for the holocharacter."

"I think it's about time someone got you for all the pranks you've pulled over the years, Tom," Janeway smiled.

"I concur." They all knew that Tuvok had been the recipient of many of Tom's practical jokes.

As everyone began to file out of the transporter room, Tom spoke to the doctor. "Pretty neat trick, Doc."

"Thank you, Lieutenant. It was a simple matter of combining the DNA images of both Lieutenant Torres and Ensign Kim. At least, simple for me," the EMH preened.

Tom hung back from the rest. B'Elanna was a very private person, and he found it difficult to believe that she had imparted such personal information to the doctor as had been whispered to him. "Uh, Doc, how did you know about B'E and me liking…" He whispered the rest.

The doctor pulled back prissily. "Mr. Paris! I have no idea what you are talking about, and really, that was more information than I needed! I don't need to know what you and Lieutenant Torres do in your spare time. Honestly!" He stalked off indignantly.

It was more than Tom could make sense of. With a glance at the grinning Rollins, Voyager's chief pilot conceded he had been well and truly had.

*****

Kathryn exited the turbolift to head to her quarters. Less than a day until April 1^st arrived when the jokes would begin in earnest. She could hardly wait for this nonsense to be over, although some, like Naomi's surprise for Neelix, had been pleasant. And Neelix had reciprocated to Tuvok in like fashion by using his birthday gift from Chell of a day off to concoct an exact replica of Vulcan Plomek soup, sans Talaxian spices. If it was possible to surprise a Vulcan, Neelix had succeeded. Tuvok actually complimented the chef and subsequently confided to Kathryn that Neelix had done a very passable job, which was high praise indeed coming from him.

All the same, she was not looking forward to tomorrow. While she knew it was good for crew morale, she really wanted the silliness over with for another year.

She was almost at the door to her quarters when a familiar deep voice resounded behind her.

"Ah, Kathryn, glad I caught you. I wanted to ask you something."

As she turned, she tried to read his face, but it wasn't happening today like she usually could. Mona Lisa would have been proud of his enigmatic expression. "Ask away, Chakotay. As you know, I always have an opinion on things." He flashed his dimpled smile and she felt her stomach drop as though she'd just plummeted down the side of a very tall roller coaster.

"Just what I need."

"What?" Her brain seemed to have taken a vacation.

He grinned at her again, short-circuiting a few more of her brain cells. "Your opinion. I've almost finished a holoprogram I'd like you to look at. I should be ready to show it to you tomorrow. Think you might have some time?"

Tomorrow. April 1^st. April Fool's Day. She gave him a skeptical look. "Chakotay, this wouldn't be an April Fool's trick, would it?"

He put his hand over his heart. "Kathryn, you wound me. I don't do April Fool's jokes. Just like you don't." He winked at her and sauntered away.

Kathryn stood staring long after Chakotay had disappeared into his own quarters. Why did she feel like she was in deep doo-doo?

*****

A few of the crew were gathered in Sandrines to relax, shoot some pool and catch up on the latest April Fool's jokes being played. Ensign Strom had programmed Chell's sonic shower to play the Hallelujah Chorus when it was activated. It was also generally agreed that Lieutenant Carey was a very brave man, having programmed the Chief Engineer's replicator to produce English Breakfast Tea anytime she asked for Klingon coffee. It backfired on him though, since B'Elanna discovered that she loved English Breakfast Tea, but the Klingon coffee that inexplicably came out of Joe's replicator made him gag.

The doctor was at the piano that night, playing softly, and occasionally gracing them with a song. Partway through the evening, Seven joined him, and after some discussion, the two began a duet as they often had in the past. But this was a duet of some difference.

Harry and Tom leaned against the bar, watching in fascination as every time the doctor opened his mouth, Seven's mellow tones issued forth. And when Seven sang, it was the doctor's tenor that was heard.

"I'm impressed," Tom admitted. "I'd love to know how they did that."

"Yeah," Harry nodded as he sipped his synthenol. "Quite the feat of programming."

The singers seemed surprised at the wild reception the simple song garnered from all those present, as well as the clamoring of the crowd for more. However, the rest of the songs that they sang came out in the conventional manner. When Seven left the doctor to his solo act, and accepted Harry's offer for a drink, the ensign questioned her.

"So Seven, how did you do it?" he asked.

"To what are you referring, Ensign Kim? To sing, I simply open my mouth, the air vibrates my vocal chords…"

"No, no, Seven. How did you do the programming to have the doctor sing with your voice and you to sing with his?"

Seven straightened her spine even more than normal, if that were possible. Her regular eyebrow quirked. "I assure you, Ensign Kim, the doctor and I are above such childish things."

Harry smiled. "Come on, Seven. First off, the doctor willingly participated in duping Tom, so I know that isn't true, and second, when you play an April Fool's joke, you're supposed to admit it and show how you pulled the wool over everyone's eyes."

"Pulled the wool…? Ah, the ancient Earth phrase meaning to beguile, confuse, or to exercise subterfuge. I regret to disappoint you, Ensign, but there were no such attempts on the part of either the doctor or myself to - pull the wool over anyone's eyes." Seven's head was tilted to the side in an earnest fashion.

If Harry hadn't known that it couldn't possibly be true, he would have believed her. He'd have to remember never to play poker with her. "Okay, Seven, have it your way. But when you decide to own up, let me know how you did it, okay?"

"Own up? Ah, to confess, to accept culpability, to…"

*****

Chakotay couldn't sleep. There was no particular reason, but after tossing for over two hours, he'd accepted he wouldn't be sleeping for a while. Which was a drag, since he was back on Alpha shift. So, here he was at 0100 hours, roaming the corridors of Voyager.

He'd picked up the habit from a certain beautiful red-haired captain who was often the cause of any bouts of sleeplessness that came his way. Kathryn liked to get in touch with her ship, and her insomnia gave her ample opportunity to do just that. On rare occasions, she and Chakotay had traveled the length and breadth of the ship together, deep in the small hours of the ship's false night. Although they never talked during those times, it always somehow reconnected them with each other, as well as with the ship.

This time, he was on his own. He had covered four decks and was approaching Sickbay when the strangest thing occurred.

He saw pink.

Chakotay knew everything about this ship, and one thing he knew for sure; pink was something that was not to be found in general on Voyager. The walls and the carpets were gray; the running lights along the walls were yellow or red. The uniforms of any crew he might see on gamma shift were the standard black, with the shoulders designating the department with blue for science, yellow for tactical, or red for command. Definitely no pink.

He quickened his pace. As he turned the corner, the sight that met his eyes stopped him in his tracks.

Looking carefully to the left and right was Kathryn Janeway, as Chakotay had never seen her, not even on New Earth. Her hair was soft and loose around her shoulders, she was barefoot, and wearing what looked like a strappy nightgown that came to mid calf, worn like a tunic over leggings. All in pink satin.

As bizarre as the sight was, it still caused his breath to quicken. She was truly the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and his heart stirred. However, the question remained; what the heck was she doing skulking around the corridors of Voyager after 0100 hours wearing her night attire?

And skulking she was. It was obvious from her tentative walk that she was sneaking around, looking carefully this way and that. At one point he was sure she must have seen him, but she continued on. He was about to call out to her when she suddenly darted through the doors of Sickbay.

Was she ill? Did she have another migraine, or was she just unable to sleep like him? But that didn't explain why she was here, dressed as she was. He strode through the doors after her.

There was nobody there; not even the doctor was activated. The lights were dim and all was quiet. He raised his voice. "Computer, who has entered Sickbay in the last five minutes?"

He stood with his hands on his hips and then dropped them when he realized whose gesture he was imitating. "Computer, location of the captain?

"Has there been a transport from this location in the last five minutes?"

Strange and stranger. He tried again. "Computer, what is the status of the captain?"

Chakotay ran his hand through his hair. "Well, at least one of us is sleeping, Kathryn, unless you programmed the computer to tell lies for you," he muttered. Something prickled at the back of his mind. "Computer, are all the individuals currently aboard Voyager listed on the crew roster?"

Well, that nixed the idea of an alien presence. Unfortunately, this little mystery was not going to help his quest for sleep tonight. If he had needed anything further to convince him that Kathryn was up to something, this clinched it.

*****

April 1^st rolled around with the usual assortment of practical jokes. Susan Nicoletti found a bouquet of flowers at her post that drooped every time she came near them and perked up when she stepped away. Ensign Vorik discovered that when he donned his boots in the morning, they immediately became impossible to move. They were fine whenever he took them off. Seven's regeneration cycle finished to a phrase from an old Nelson Eddy/Jeanette Macdonald song that went, "I am calling yoooooooooou." Someone had reprogrammed the doctor so that he looked like an overgrown Earth frog, and instead of his usual greeting of, "Please state the nature of the medical emergency," his opening word to any potential patient was "Ribbid." And on it went until evening.

Of course Neelix held an April Fool's party. Anyone not on duty was there. There was good-natured teasing and much laughter. The captain and commander were there together, as they often were, but this time, each eyed the other speculatively.

Some folks began dancing, so the commander turned to his friend and superior officer. "Captain, would you care to dance?" Once they were on the floor together and she was settled in his arms, he murmured against her burnished head, "So, Kathryn, when are you going to drop the other shoe?" She looked up at him quizzically, so he explained. "When I was young, my mother would never go to sleep if we were out late at night. She would wait until we were in our rooms and listen for us to drop our shoes on the floor. So, to drive her nuts, my brothers and I would drop our first shoe and then carefully set the second one on the floor. After a while she would yell, 'Drop the other shoe!'"

Kathryn laughed, able to clearly picture a young, mischievous Chakotay doing just such a thing. "And you are waiting for me to 'drop the other shoe', is that it?"

He grinned at her and nodded.

"Well, Chakotay, you're going to be waiting a long time, because I really and truly have done nothing in the way of an April Fool's joke."

"Yeah, right," he retorted. "Then, just what were you doing…?"

He never got a chance to finish, as the song ended right then and the computer began a tango, a dance he had never mastered. So he and Kathryn stepped aside. However, the doctor and Seven immediately took to the floor, swooping and dipping gracefully.

Across the room, Harry stood near B'Elanna and watched the pair. In the middle of the dance something altered, but Harry couldn't figure out what.

"B'E, look at them. Something's changed. What is it?"

B'Elanna studied the pair for a moment and then burst out laughing and walked away. Harry looked after her in frustration. He sidled over to Tom who was trying to top Mike Ayala's April Fool's stories. "Tom, look at Seven and the doctor. Something changed in the middle of the dance and I can't figure out what it is."

Tom looked up for a couple of seconds before chuckling and shaking his head. "Check out where their hands are, Harry."

Harry looked back to the dance floor. Check out where their hands are. Okay. The doctor's left hand rested behind Seven's right shoulder and his right hand was holding her left hand. Seven's right hand was on the left side of doctor's back - Harry started to laugh.

Seven was leading.

The dance concluded with a flourish as Seven dipped the doctor.

Harry offered Seven a glass of water as she escorted the doctor off the dance floor. "Nice one, Seven. You had me for a while."

Seven acknowledged his compliment with a nod and sipped her water. "I believe the accepted term is, 'April Fool's,' is it not?"

Harry smiled. "It is. Would you care to dance, Seven?"

The former drone set her glass on the bar. "I assume that you wish to lead?"

Harry was almost positive that she was smiling. "If that meets with your approval."

"That would be acceptable." She linked her arm through his to step back onto the dance floor.

At that moment, the ship rocked and shuddered. As soon Voyager righted herself, Tuvok's voice was heard over the comm as the red alert klaxons sounded. "All senior officers to the bridge."

Kathryn threw a concerned look at Chakotay as they sprinted for the doors. She slapped her comm badge. "Tuvok, what's happening? Are we under attack?"

It wasn't like the Vulcan security chief to be so vague, so the command team waited anxiously for the turbolift to deposit them on deck one.

As Tom, Harry, Chakotay and Janeway spilled out of the turbolift onto the bridge, they were met with a sight out the view screen that had they never expected or wanted to behold again. It was unbelievable, so much so that Janeway had to ask for confirmation that what they all thought they were seeing, was in fact real. "Tuvok, report." Her voice sounded hollow even to her.

Tuvok stood from the command chair. "Captain, it appears that we have returned to the point of origin of our journey. We are back at the Ocampa homeworld."

Everyone took their stations in shocked silence. Harry checked the sensors. "He's right, Captain. We're back where we started from, seventy thousand light years from Earth."

"Explanation." The only reply to her command was desolate silence.

"Now, now, everyone. Why so glum? April Fool's to you all!" The most unwelcome prankster of all had materialized on the bridge near the captain.

"Q! I should have known."

"Yes, Kathy, you should have. I believe the term is, 'gotcha.' Would that be correct?" He looked at Tom for confirmation.

"You're the omnipotent one," Tom muttered.

"Tsk, tsk. So unfriendly. It seems that it's fine for you all to play your silly inconsequential games, but if a real master come along and show you how it's done, then you get testy. I thought better of you, Helm Boy."

Tuvok had pulled his phaser, but Q merely looked disgusted. "Oh put that away, Tuvie, before you hurt yourself." Tuvok found himself holding a pink stuffed bunny. "Pink is such a nice color, don't you agree, Chuckles?"

Chakotay's head whipped around and he stared hard at the unwanted, arrogant being.

Kathryn tried to regain control. "Q, just what is going on here? Is this the real thing, or is this an illusion?"

"Kathy, Madam Captain, how could you think so little of me?" Q pouted. "An illusion? Moi? Of course it's the real thing!"

Harry spoke up. "It's been you all along, hasn't it? The green bow tie, Seven and the doctor singing with each other's voices…"

Tom's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "What the doctor said to me about… Damn you, you son of a bitch, you've been spying on B'Elanna and me!" As irate as Tom was, he was glad that B'Elanna had headed directly to Engineering, or the universe would be too small a place even for Q.

"Sit down, Helm Boy." With a flick of Q's finger, Tom found himself seated on the deck. "It's not my fault that I see all and know all." Q turned to look at Harry. "Yes, Harry, lad, you are correct. You're the brightest one in the bunch. Which, of course, isn't saying a lot. You know, Kathy, you really ought to promote that boy. In fact…"

With a snap of Q's fingers, Harry was removed from his station and found himself in the red command uniform, standing next to Captain Janeway. In comparison, Chakotay discovered he had been moved to the ops station and was now sporting the yellow-shouldered technical uniform, along with only one pip on the collar.

"Q, that's enough!" growled Janeway.

"Oh, all right" Q grumbled. "You guys are no fun at all." He snapped his fingers once more, and the two officers were restored to their rightful places and clothing.

"Really, Kathy, you're not the quickest bunny out of the forest, are you? I already know that Chuckles here has 'duh' written on his forehead."

Janeway looked around for an explanation and finally landed on Tom, still seated on the floor.

"It's a twentieth century phrase, Captain. It's, uh - " he hesitated a moment. "Well, it's a non-complimentary statement regarding intelligence."

"Coming from Q, of course it's not going to be complimentary," Chakotay stated flatly.

"Chuckles, any fool can appear intelligent as long as he keeps his mouth shut. Remember that."

Kathryn's temper boiled over. "Q, you will stop insulting my first officer, and send us back to where we were. Then you will exit off this ship and leave us in peace."

"Ooh, Kathy, you're beautiful when you're angry! Isn't she, Chuckles? You should know, since she seems to get mad at you a lot. Of course, that's probably just her lust being sublimated."

"Q!" Kathryn sputtered.

"Oh, come on, Kathy. Everyone knows you two have the hots for each other." Q frowned. "Although what you see in him, I really can't fathom. Anyway, why don't you just get on with it? This, 'come here, come here, come here, get away, get away, get away' routine got old a long time ago."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but for the first time in the universe, I agree with Q," muttered Tom.

Q looked down. "There you see, Kathy, even your crew agrees with me. Talk about 'duh,' you two."

Tom carefully avoided looking up at his captain, quite sure that the death glare was in full force.

"Anyway, don't you think I won the prize for the best April Fool's joke?" Q gestured out the view screen. Everyone's eyes were drawn to the unbelievable sight before them.

"Captain," Tuvok spoke up, "a Kazon vessel is approaching."

Janeway made a quick decision about how to proceed. "Yes, Q. Yes, it's absolutely true, you really put one over on us. You certainly came up with the best April Fool's trick. Didn't he, Chakotay, Tuvok?"

Janeway's two senior officers were quick on the uptake. Chakotay replied first. "Yes, indeed, Captain, Q definitely wins, no doubt about it."

Tuvok's eyebrow spoke volumes. "Indeed, Captain."

"There. We're all agreed. Right people?" The captain looked around her. Everyone nodded.

Q preened. "I just knew you were folks were special. Really not bad at all for mere mortals. Most definitely superior to Jean-Luc's crowd. Well," he looked around him, "that was fun. Ta-ta, I'm off." He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

"Q!" Janeway called. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Just Q's face appeared in mid-air. "Well, 'duh' on me!" He vanished again as another rumble and shaking occurred. Everyone grabbed onto whatever support was available. For Kathryn and Chakotay, it was each other.

Kathryn turned to Harry, her hand still on Chakotay's arm. "Harry?"

Harry studied his console. "We appear to be five light years ahead of where we were right before Q sent us backwards."

"A gain of only five light years?" Tom said as he pulled himself from the floor. "He has the power to send us all the way back."

Q's face appeared again, two inches in front of Tom's, causing the pilot to jump back. "Beggars shouldn't be choosers, Helm Boy." The eyes rolled "Mortals - honestly." The face winked out once more.

Janeway let out a sigh and briefly closed her eyes. She became aware that she still had a death grip on Chakotay's arm and released it slowly. "Well, people, all's well that end's well. We're five light years ahead of where we were, so let's continue. As you were, Mr. Tuvok, and cancel red alert."

"Aye, Captain." The Vulcan moved to resume the command seat. "Where will you be, Captain?" he inquired as the off-duty staff moved toward the turbolift.

"Me, Tuvok? I'll be in Sickbay. I have a headache."

*****

Kathryn felt his presence behind her and the warm touch of his hand against her back. In spite of the fact that they'd just endured the mother-of-all April Fool's jokes, she was a little hesitant about entering the holodeck with him to view this new program of his. "Talk about boldly going where no one has gone before," she muttered to herself.

"What was that, Kathryn?"

His warm breath touched her ear and a shiver went down her spine. "Nothing."

The program was beautiful. Incredibly, overwhelmingly beautiful. And strangely familiar. Chakotay watched as Kathryn turned in a slow circle, her quick eyes taking in many of the details he pulled into the program. "What do you think? Do you recognize it?"

"Oh, Chakotay." There were tears in her eyes. "It's amazing. How did you remember such detail? We were only there one afternoon, the day before Tuvok contacted us."

"We loved it, remember? We took the shuttle and explored the other side of New Earth and wound up thinking about building a permanent home there."

She approached him and on tiptoe, lightly kissed him. Although it was a gentle kiss, it was too long and too intimate to be just a friend's thank you.

"This better not be an April Fool's joke, Kathryn," he murmured as she rested her forehead against his. "Usually people ring in the New Year with a kiss, and I definitely didn't program mistletoe overhead."

She raised her head with a wry expression. "Computer, what time is it?"

"It's April 2^nd now, Chakotay, so you're safe. Besides, I'm the one who's been a fool, and for far too long. Q isn't quite as all-seeing, all-knowing as he thinks he is, or he'd know I've been thinking about how to change our relationship for quite a while now, wondering if you still wanted me."

With a smile, Chakotay drew her against his body. "Well, wonder no more." He looked down at her. "So, Kathryn, are you telling me that the strange looks you've been giving me lately have had nothing to do with April Fool's, just you thinking about…?"

She looked around her. "And are you telling me that this program isn't an April Fool's joke at all?"

He grinned at her. "Well, I guess you could say the joke is that there's no joke at all."

She laughed. "So I accidentally led you to think I was playing an April Fool's trick on you when there was none, and you set me up with a non-joke program."

Chakotay nodded. "Looks that way."

Chagrined, Kathryn shook her head. "Well, 'duh' on both of us."

"Not the quickest bunnies out of the forest, are we?" They laughed quietly together. "So, what now, Kathryn?"

She gave him a coy look. "Would you be free later today, like for dinner this evening? I have an idea of how we could ring in April 3^rd together."

A slow smile spread over his face. "Do you, now?"

"M-hmm. So, what do you think?"

"What do I think? Just this." And then he kissed her.

The End

Feedback? Please. Brianna Thomas

© Brianna Thomas, October 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.