DECISIONS

It was one of those mornings when the parade in and out of the ready room seemed endless. A couple of people had been summoned (Tuvok, then B'Elanna), but most were there with their own agendas. Chakotay handled a couple of them himself, but the majority of requests still needed to be forwarded to the captain for approval.

Lunchtime approached, and there had been no sign of Voyager's commanding officer. Chakotay was becoming concerned, not just about this morning, but also about the trend that he had noticed developing with increasing frequency. It was a trend he was all too uncomfortably familiar with regarding Kathryn Janeway. He took up a PADD and approached the ready room door.

"Come in." The response to his ring was immediate, which was good.

She wasn't buried under piles of PADDs at her desk as he expected. The staggering mountain of PADDs was there, but the captain was seated on her couch, coffee mug in hand, staring out the viewport at the speckled blackness streaking by.

Looking up, she sighed, then held out her hand. "Not you too. What is it, Commander?"

Instead of giving her the PADD in his hand, he tossed it onto the coffee table. "This was just an excuse to come in here. I actually want to talk about a crewmember I'm concerned for."

Nothing was more important to Janeway than her crew, and she straightened up, then gestured to the couch beside her. "Who is it? What's wrong, Chakotay?"

He seated himself, then skipped the first question to launch into the second one. "This crewmember is working too many hours, too many double shifts, becoming obsessive about work. Yet, the extra long hours are actually having a detrimental effect, decreasing productivity and clear thinking. Proper rest and food have been neglected, and they've cut themselves off socially. They haven't been seen in the mess hall or holodeck in over two weeks. Their friends have begun to express concern for their mental wellbeing."

Janeway took a final sip of her coffee, leaning forward to place the mug on the table before replying. "I see. I suppose this individual has a history of this sort of thing?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

Chagrin showed on her face when she finally looked up. "I've been doing it again, haven't I?"

His reply was a simple nod, then he shifted in his seat to face her more fully. "What's going on, Kathryn? Talk to me."

Janeway sighed. Right after her depression while they were in the void, she had given him permission to challenge her whenever he observed the symptoms of her downward spiral on that particular slippery road. "How many people have noticed?"

"I've seen the worried looks from the senior staff, but I've only had one person express verbal concern."

"Who's that?"

"Tuvok," he answered.

"Tuvok?" she echoed in surprise. It was worse than she'd realized if her Vulcan security chief had approached the first officer.

Chakotay shrugged. "Although he'll deny emotions, Tuvok is not only your tactical officer, he is also your friend."

Kathryn looked down at her hands, then rose to pace. Finally she stopped and stood with her back to Chakotay. "I was the one who made the decision to destroy the Caretaker's array which stranded us all out here."

Frowning, Chakotay also stood. Now he was really concerned because he'd thought they had cleared up this issue long ago, yet it seemed to be rearing its ugly head again. "Kathryn, that was a decision that had to be made, and any of us would have made the same one."

She finally faced him, gesturing with both hands for emphasis. "That's just it, Chakotay. Don't you see? It wasn't one of you who made that decision, it was me. Every day, I make decisions that affect over one hundred and forty people. Big decisions, small decisions - I make them." When he opened his mouth to protest, she cut him off. "Oh, I know I'm not alone, but ultimately, I'm the one who passes approval on requests for marriage like Jones and Dennely, a social planned by Neelix or whether to fire on an alien vessel. And before you say anything, I know it comes with the territory of being a captain. It's just…" She trailed off and pushed a hand through her hair.

Understanding dawned. "The joy and curse of command, of being in charge," he murmured.

The replicator was a good distraction for the moment, before she returned to the upper level with a tea for him and a fresh coffee for herself. It was a several seconds before she spoke. They had never talked about this - not once. Even now, it was hard, and she looked away. "There are times I wish…" A strange lump in her throat cut off her voice.

There was a look of yearning on her face he observed that was an odd combination of sorrow and guilt, a longing for something that could never be. "You wish what?" It was a relief that she was talking and he encouraged her to continue. This was obviously an admission she felt somewhat embarrassed about, and he watched her open and close her mouth a couple of times before she finally spoke.

"Sometimes I wish Tuvok had never come back for us."

The simple sentence was a jolt of lightning through him, and he understood exactly what she was referring to. New Earth. Of course. The most difficult decisions they had faced on that idyllic planet were what time to get up and what to have for lunch. He took a chance and reached for her hand. "I miss it too, Kathryn."

She took a shuddering breath and blinked a few times. "I miss sunshine on my face every day. I miss the freedom of not having to decide who risks their lives on away missions. I miss my garden. I miss sitting with you on the bench you made and watching the sunset." Kathryn finally looked him full in the face with a watery grin. "And I miss the monkey. Silly, huh?"

It touched Chakotay deeply on so many levels that she would talk about that precious time, even after so many years, but he kept it light and raised his eyebrows. "The monkey? All he ever did was swear at us most of the time."

Kathryn laughed. "Well, he did save my life before that first plasma storm."

"And here all this time I thought it was me who saved you then," he pouted playfully.

Serious once more, she looked down at their joined hands. Her hand looked small and pale in his large, strong one. A capable hand, a kind hand, one that could be trusted and relied upon. Always there when she needed, even when she wasn't aware of her need. She finally looked up again into his eyes that held a bottomless pool of support and friendship. "That you did. Then, and so many times since."

Chakotay's breath stopped for a moment. The acknowledgement was more than he'd heard from her in a long time, but he would not let it go unreciprocated. "No more than you have for me, many times. It's what friends do for each other." He ran his thumb over her knuckles, noting with surprise and interest the sharp intake of her breath.

Heart suddenly pounding, she couldn't prevent the tremble in her hand that she knew he must feel. How could he stir such feelings in her with such a simple touch? She would do just about anything for this man, and the idea of ever not having him by her side was almost terrifying. Before she could think of what to do or say, he stood and tugged on her hand.

"Come on, Kathryn, you've got one more decision to make. Let's go get some lunch."

Shaking her head, she tried unsuccessfully to disengage her hand. "I'm not hungry. I don't want--"

"Kathryn," was all he said.

She looked up into his face, those beguiling dimples somewhat masking the utter determination to route her from her self-imposed exile. "You're right, as usual. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?" He just shrugged. "Mess hall, I suppose?"

"Mess hall," he confirmed, then laughed at the face she made.

In the dining hall, the captain was greeted by many of the crew, who were obviously delighted to see their commanding officer outside the ready room. When the tenth person left their table, Kathryn raised her eyebrow at Chakotay. "Okay, enough. You've made your point. I need to show up here more often."

"I had nothing to do with this, Captain." Chakotay grinned at her, and indicated with his fork the approach of another crewmember.

Part way through the meal, Chakotay rose to replenish their drinks. Janeway observed him casually speaking to a number of the crew, and as always, she admired the easy way he had with people.

"Captain?"

Janeway turned to see B'Elanna standing at her elbow. "Yes, Lieutenant?" She expected to receive another greeting, and although groaning inside somewhat, she composed her features in what she hoped was a pleasant expression.

"I'm wondering if you could spare some time this afternoon and help with the diagnostic on the engines. Something's not quite right and I could do with another set of eyes."

The second most important thing to Kathryn Janeway was her ship, and her eyes lit up at the prospect of an afternoon doting on her engines. Not to mention away from her ready room and the endless reports and requisitions. "I don't have anything specific lined up, so that would be fine."

B'Elanna was already turning to leave. "Great. Whenever you're ready. Oh, and by the way," she tossed over her shoulder, "it's good to see you here, Captain."

Kathryn made a face at B'Elanna's retreating back just as Chakotay sat and placed her drink before her.

"What was that expression for?" he asked.

"You set her up to that, didn't you? You're a sneaky targ," she remonstrated with him.

Chakotay just shrugged and sipped his cup. "Drink your coffee, Kathryn. I paid for it with my rations - like usual, I might add - so you'd better enjoy it."

Kathryn sniffed the aroma of her favorite substance. "I think it's an equitable division of tasks. I drink the coffee and you pay for it." Chakotay shocked her by sticking his tongue out at her and the sight sent a sizzle through her. What would it be like to…? She shoved the wayward thought aside.

A burst of laughter across the room drew her attention. Henley and Albright were playing a card game with Burnstein and Trevor. Neelix was busy at the galley, dispensing food and enthusiasm, while over in the corner, one of the Delaney twins was whispering to Chell, who was listening with rapt attention. Kathryn's eyes drifted over the room, noting the conversations and camaraderie, and something occurred to her that was startling, almost shocking. Something she'd not recognized before but had probably been there for a long time.

Her crew was happy.

The knowledge slowly seeped into her like the stroke of a paint brush, staining her soul with the brightness of its import. Something indescribable lifted inside her heart, and she turned back to look at the man sitting across from her.

Chakotay couldn't fathom the expression on Kathryn's face, and after a moment under her scrutiny, finally asked, "What?"

She looked around the room once more before standing to her feet. Giving his shoulder a squeeze, she leaned down to whisper in his ear, "Thank you, Chakotay."

She was gone before he could respond, leaving a slight tingling where her lips had brushed his skin.

A couple of hours elapsed before she returned to the bridge. It had been satisfying work, assisting B'Elanna in wrestling the engines into obedience. "They just need to be told who's boss sometimes," B'E had commented more than once, and Kathryn knew that in engineering, no one - not flesh nor machine - would dare risk rebelling for very long against the decree of the chief engineer.

Chakotay wasn't on the bridge, so Kathryn waved Tuvok back to the command seat. The respite from the ready room had been wonderful, but there was nothing for it, except to wrestle her own demons into submission. She wasn't looking forward to it, so she did what she almost always did. Tucked her chin in and strode determinedly through the door.

And stopped abruptly at the sight before her.

She blinked at the sudden sting of tears, and shook her head. Damn Chakotay. Damn that man. How annoying could any one person get? Now she was faced with yet more decisions, perhaps even a life changing one.

Sitting on her desk was a bouquet of flowers and a toy. A stuffed toy. Specifically, a stuffed toy monkey. Its tail was curled around itself and it looked at her with impudent eyes, just like a certain first officer friend.

She approached slowly and picked up the monkey, running her hand over its softness. "What am I going to do with you?" Her voice was huskier than usual. A tear splashed on the upturned nose of the toy.

Damn him.

It was a given that she was going to hit him. Oh yes, that issue was settled for sure. The decision she had to make now was whether to hit him before or after she hugged him.

"Commander Chakotay, report to the ready room."

The End

Feedback? Please.

© Brianna Thomas, April 2004 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.