TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON

First Officer's personal log: Today, for those who celebrate it, is Christmas Day. It's said to be a day of miracles and gifts, and earlier I saw an amazing sight, one I'd never expected. Contrary to my own spiritual nature, I always knew that Kathryn Janeway was not a religious person. But today I saw Kathryn pray. Oh, and one other interesting thing happened today. I died.

Six days prior

"Well, people," Janeway began, "we've received our first assignment from Starfleet in almost seven years."

The senior staff regarded her with interest and anticipation. She pressed a button, and a voice recording sounded. "We, the people of Earth, greet you in the spirit of peace and humility. As we venture out of our solar system, we hope to earn the trust and friendship of other worlds."

"Friendship One," Harry said with a smile. "I had to memorize that recording in third grade."

"Me too," Tom added. "I even built a model of the probe."

"What was it designed to do?" Neelix asked. As a non-Federation citizen, he had no knowledge of the historic probe.

"Reach out to other species," Chakotay replied. "Pave the way for all the manned missions that would follow. Our ancestors had no idea what was out here."

Seven raised an eyebrow. "Obviously before your Prime Directive."

"Actually," Tuvok informed her, "the probe was launched before Starfleet existed."

Harry continued. "It was packed with all kinds of information, scientific and cultural databases -"

"Computer chip designs, instructions for building transceivers," B'Elanna interrupted. "It's practically a how-to manual. Let me guess…we happen to be in the neighborhood?" She smiled at her commanding officer. The two women shared a love of scientific puzzles.

"That's correct," Janeway responded with a nod. "Starfleet has mapped out a search grid. It'll take us a little off course, but if the probe is still intact, and we're lucky enough to find it, we'll be retrieving a little piece of history."

The day of Christmas Eve

"Harry sure did his homework to track the readings down to this planet," Chakotay commented to Janeway as they exited the lift to head to Astrometrics. "He extrapolated the probe's trajectory, and took into considering the solar winds, ionic interference, and the local anomalies that only we would know about. It was nothing short of brilliant."

"It certainly was. He may as well have been looking for a needle in a haystack, but Harry managed to do it. Somebody really ought to give that young man a promotion," Janeway responded with a smile.

"I totally agree. Somebody should." The commander emphasized the word as he leaned a little toward her.

Once in Astrometrics, Seven was able to narrow the readings to the northern subcontinent of the planet in question. High levels of antimatter radiation in the atmosphere scattered the probe's signature, making it impossible to localize the readings any further.

"Any lifesigns?" Chakotay asked.

Seven tapped her console. "None".

Janeway shook her head. "I don't like the look of that much radiation. With levels that high, our inoculations will last less than a day. However, we have our assignment, so Commander, assemble an away team, and take the Flyer down for a quick look tomorrow morning."

As they exited Astrometrics, Janeway stopped Chakotay with a hand on his arm, looking up into his face. "Chakotay, as much as it would be a real triumph for us to retrieve Friendship One, particularly on Christmas day, I'm concerned about those levels. The doctor can issue you extra hyposprays if you get delayed, but I mean it when I say make it just a quick look. Besides," Janeway added with a grin, "I've got your Christmas present ready for you, and I hear Neelix has been working on a traditional feast."

Chakotay flashed her a smile. "Don't worry, Kathryn. We'll be back before Christmas dinner, I promise."

Janeway laughed, then shook her finger at him sternly. "See that you do, otherwise I'll personally make sure all you get is leola root casserole."

He held up his hands in mock horror. "I'll be back, I swear it, I'll be back."

As they stepped into the lift, she pondered aloud. "I wonder what Neelix is going to use in place of turkey?"

Chakotay grinned down at her. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"You're right; probably not. How about Sandrine's tonight? It's Christmas Eve and I feel like thrashing Tom at pool again."

The lift doors opened and just before they stepped out on the bridge, Chakotay murmured, "I thought this holiday was all about peace and goodwill toward men."

As she turned her head to whisper back to him, their faces were inches apart. "Oh it is. But I'm sure there's a rule somewhere that excludes uppity chief pilots."

The bridge crew was looking to see what was delaying the command team in the lift, but Chakotay held her back a moment longer with a hand in her elbow. "Kathryn Janeway, you have a decidedly wicked and perverse streak. I've always liked that in a woman."

His hand pressed her forward, and there was no opportunity for any response from her except an arched eyebrow.

*****

Later that evening, the command team walked arm in arm from the holodeck back toward their quarters.

"I'm not sure if it was kind of you or whether you were just dangling the proverbial carrot in front of Tom by letting him win the first two games," Chakotay chided her.

Kathryn slanted her eyes up at him slyly. "How do you know that I let him win? Maybe I'm just getting rusty in my old age."

Chakotay snorted in response. "Woman, the only thing rusty about you is your hair. You were taunting him, admit it."

She shrugged a shoulder, trying to look nonchalant. "I'll plead the fifth."

"I think Tom's theme song should be, 'To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe'."

Crooking her eyebrow at him, she commented caustically, "Well, tonight aren't you just full of-"

"Kathryn, be nice," he chided her with a frown.

She stopped in the hallway, hands on hips, expression playfully indignant. "Excuse me! Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say, 'Aren't you just full of old sayings tonight?' I think you've been hanging around Tom too much lately."

They continued on, but their walk had slowed to a mere stroll as they approached the senior officers' quarters. She glanced at him hesitantly. "Do you really think of me as a foe, Chakotay?"

He could tell from her tone, the question was only half in jest. "To Tom at pool, yes. To any hostile alien, definitely. To me, no. Not from the moment I met you. Even when we've been arguing, the last thing I've thought of you as is a foe. Brilliant, stubborn, creative, hardheaded - certainly, but never a foe."

They had reached the door to her quarters. She looked up at him and smiled. "Want to come in for a while? It's still early."

Chakotay leaned against the wall. "I'd like that very much, but my boss has sent me off on this mission tomorrow, so we launch at 0500. We all had our shots tonight, and have extra hyposprays stored on the shuttle."

Janeway pursed her lips. "Tsk, tsk. A mission on Christmas day? That boss sounds like a real slave driver to me."

"Maybe you could speak to her, put in a good word for me?"

She turned to him and took his hands in hers. "I'll do that. But if she has any brains at all, I'm sure she already knows just how valuable you are. I happen to know that she'd never find a better first officer, a better friend, or a better man." Then, in a move that surprised them both, she stretched up and kissed his cheek. "In case I don't see you before you leave, Merry Christmas, Chakotay. It's almost impossible for me to remember that there was a time when I didn't know you, let alone that we were foes."

Without breaking eye contact, he raised one of her hands and kissed the back of it. "Merry Christmas to you too, Kathryn. I'm glad I wound up in the Delta Quadrant, because you've enriched my life in more ways than I could ever say."

A smile lit her face, and she placed one hand on his chest. "Amazing the good things that can be found, even in the Delta Quadrant. Don't forget to be back before dinner; you did promise."

With a grin and a wink, he turned to head to his own quarters. "That I did. As the old song says, 'I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me'. Besides, that slave-driver of a boss has kept me so busy, I've had no time to do anything about a present for you, so I have to get home in time."

Janeway leaned her head back out the door and called after him, "Just get yourself here, and that'll be present enough."

Without looking back, he mock saluted and sang out, "Oui, mon capitaine. I hear and obey."

"Smart aleck."

Christmas day

Although the thermal eddies and gravimetric shear challenged even Tom's prodigious piloting talents, the Delta Flyer landed safely. Scattered buildings told them that at some point, there had been a civilization there, but toxic radiation levels had plunged the planet into a nuclear wasteland. With his cultural interests, Chakotay wondered what had happened to this planet to cause such extreme devastation.

Chakotay, Tom Paris, and Joe Carey found remnants of the Friendship One probe in a cave - along with a group of angry humanoids, all suffering from the deformities of severe radiation poisoning. The natives had surprise on their side and they quickly outnumbered the shocked Voyager officers in a violent hand-to-hand battle.

"Look, you're making a mistake," Carey tried to tell the attackers. The response was a violent swing of a weapon toward his head.

Chakotay shoved away the alien he was struggling with, and yanked on the arm that descended toward Carey. He successfully wrenched the weapon from the alien, only to be struck by a hard blow to the back of his head. Falling to the floor, he fought to stay conscious. He heard someone call off the attack, followed by Tom introducing them all. Chakotay's head felt like it would explode, but he managed to sit up just as Tom explained they were carrying transport enhancers, not weapons, and that they were going to use them to retrieve their probe.

The leader snarled at them. "Your probe? Too bad you didn't come for it sooner. It would have saved us a lot of suffering."

*****

Janeway sat at her desk, head propped in one hand, fingers of the other hand drumming rhythmically. She had just finished reading Ensign Kim's report on the away mission, detailing how he and Neelix had discovered one of the aliens hiding on the Delta Flyer. Before they could remove the stowaway, the shuttle had come under attack from antimatter weapons. With their shields rendered inoperable, Harry had wisely decided to make an emergency liftoff and return to Voyager.

The Doctor had also sent a report on the stowaway, a scientist named Otrin, who was currently undergoing treatment in Sickbay for radiation sickness. Otrin had been searching the shuttle for technology to augment his attempts to neutralize the toxic radiation.

Adding in the final ingredient of her decidedly less than successful first contact over the comm with Verin, the aliens' leader, and this first mission from Starfleet was turning into one gigantic disaster. With a sigh, she assessed the facts she knew as her fingers kept time.

The aliens had previously been undetectable because their tissues were completely saturated with antimatter radiation. Thrum.

To the people on the planet, it was a simple logic equation. The information on the Friendship One probe for a nuclear reactor inadvertently led to the disaster. The probe came from Earth, as did Voyager. Therefore, Voyager's crew was being blamed for their current horrendous situation. Thrum.

The aliens were holding captive three of her officers, including her first officer and closest friend. Thrum.

Verin had threatened to kill them if his demands for evacuation of his entire planet were not met. Joe Carey, husband and father of two sons, Tom Paris, husband and expecting his first child, and her Chakotay. "My Chakotay," she whispered. The rhythm of her fingers faltered. "Merry Christmas, Kathryn," she muttered to herself.

She was concerned for them all, but as the leader of the away team, she knew Chakotay could well come under greater assault. Thrusting aside the fear that welled up in her, she pushed her chair away from her desk, to stand and pace. She had less than three hours to come up with something, some way out of this. Some plan to get her people back, and a way to help these people, if possible. Not a lot of time, and not a moment to waste. But before she could begin, there was something she had to do first. Janeway exited her ready room, and waved Tuvok back to the command chair.

Tuvok's gaze followed her as she proceeded to the lift. "Captain, may I inquire as to where you'll be?"

Janeway looked back at him as the doors swished open. "Engineering." At his raised eyebrow, she added, "Informing our pregnant Chief Engineer that her husband is a hostage. Then, I'm going to Sickbay to talk to Mr. Otrin about his scientific experiments."

*****

Chakotay closed his eyes against a wave of nausea.

"How are you feeling?"

He opened his eyes to meet Tom's concerned gaze. "Like I took a rifle butt upside the head."

Tom grimaced at his weak humor. "Smart aleck."

Chakotay started to laugh, then groaned at the pain.

"What's so funny?" Tom looked at the commander as though he might be more than physically hurt.

"That's what the captain called me when we left Sandrine's last night." Was it really only last night? "I can imagine what she's going to say when we're late for dinner."

Joe huffed and said, "I think we should be more worried about what Tom's pregnant half-Klingon wife - who's also my boss - will say when we're late for dinner."

A look of almost fear crossed Tom's face. "Oh God. I don't want to think about that." He looked back at the commander. "Do you have blurry vision? Nausea?" As Chakotay nodded at each question, Tom continued. "Without my med kit, it's impossible to say for sure, but it's very likely you have a concussion."

Chakotay rubbed his forehead, then wiped his hand over his face. "Probably. It's also possible that the anti-radiation medication is wearing off already."

"It may have metabolized faster because of the fight," Tom said. "Try to rest, but don't go to sleep."

"Not likely, the way my head's pounding," Chakotay responded "Tom, Joe, keep in mind that in any abduction scenario, an important tactic is to make personal contact, to try and get the abductors to see you as people - not just items for barter."

"Right," Tom nodded. Looking about, he called to a woman nearby. "My friend may have a concussion. Could I have my med kit, please?"

The woman left the room for a minute, then returned. Her features were deformed, her hair thin and matted. "I was told not let you use your equipment," she said, "but I can give you this." In her damaged hands she held a bowl of water and a rag.

Tom took the items from her, and thanked her. Just before she left, Chakotay caught Tom's attention and nodded toward the woman's stomach.

Tom addressed her again. "My name's Tom. What's your name?"

The woman hesitated a moment, then replied, "Shonrin."

"I see you're expecting, Shonrin," Tom continued. "My wife is pregnant too, with a little girl."

Shonrin looked startled. "You can tell it's a girl?"

Tom smiled. "Yes. We have technology that can tell us that. Is this your first?"

Her face fell, and she looked away. "No. The others…" Her lips trembled a slightly before she finished, "All stillborn."

"I'm so sorry," Tom said sincerely.

The woman eyed him again. "Are you a doctor?"

"No, I'm just a medic. But we have terrific doctor onboard, and technology that could help you."

Her eyes flicked at him hopefully for a second before she turned away. "I shouldn't be talking to you."

Tom looked at the others and shrugged sadly.

"It's a start," Chakotay encouraged him.

As time passed, Chakotay studied the people as they entered and left the cave. Every single one of them showed evidence of long term radiation poisoning. They had obviously experienced much suffering, and by their angry glances, held the Alpha Quadrant residents responsible for the pain and death that had come to their homeland. While his heart ached for them, his number one priority as Voyager's first officer was the safety of the men under his command. He recognized from his own worsening condition and the strain he could see on Tom and Joe, that the anti-radiation medication had worn off.

He also recognized that it was the leader, Verin, they needed reach if there was any hope of peacefully settling this situation. "Verin," he called.

The alien leader turned to look at him.

"What are you doing?" Tom hissed at him.

"Trying to make a connection," Chakotay whispered back. He raised his voice. "May I have a word with you?"

The male said nothing, but did not prevent Chakotay from unsteadily approaching him. "I can understand your wariness over Starfleet," Chakotay began.

"What do you mean?" the man growled. "You're one of their leaders."

Chakotay tried to focus his mind away from his nausea and choose his words carefully. "You're right; I am a leader on this ship, but before that, I was considered an enemy of Starfleet and the Federation."

Verin's interest was peaked. "Why?"

How could he briefly, yet adequately describe the hurt and death of so many, the desecration of lives and worlds? "Through lack of foresight, the Federation and Starfleet made a treaty with a violent enemy who destroyed my homeworld, and most of my people. Almost my entire family died in that attack. I was angry and hurt, so I decided to fight back, avenge my people, and try to prevent other worlds suffering the same fate."

"But you trust them enough to work for them now?" Verin looked at him incredulously.

"The Starfleet system? No, not all of it," Chakotay acknowledged. "But I trust Captain Janeway, the person. We both wound up here in the Delta Quadrant by accident, and we're just trying to get back to our own home."

The man's expression hardened. "Well, you're going to get us to a new home first." Then he shoved Chakotay back toward the others, making him stumble from his dizziness.

*****

Janeway had Harry hail the planet. "Mr. Verin, before we talk, I would like to speak with my first officer."

There was a moment's silence. "I don't see why not."

In a moment, Chakotay's tired voice was heard. "Captain, Chakotay here."

The relief that surged through her weakened her knees, and Janeway sank into her chair. "How are you all doing, Commander?"

The connection crackled for a moment, but she was able to pick out, "Not too badly."

"That's enough," Verin interrupted.

It wasn't much, but it was enough to tell her that while they were not being mistreated, they were not totally well. She pushed away the idea of them suffering, and concentrated on the all-important task at hand. "Thank you for that gesture, Mr. Verin. Let me tell you what we've found. We have scanned the region and discovered that the nearest planet with a safe atmosphere is too far away. I'd like to propose an alternative."

"There is no alternative," the alien countered.

"Please hear me out." Janeway continued quickly. "We have one of your people onboard, a Mr. Otrin. He has some excellent ideas that hold real merit for cleansing your atmosphere. What he's lacked until now is the ability to carry them out. With our technology, we can-"

Verin exploded in anger. "Your technology has already done more than enough! This isn't a negotiation!"

Janeway tried to reign in her impatience. "You don't seem to understand. It will take years to evacuate your planet. If you will release my officers as a gesture of goodwill, we can work together, and undo most, if not all, the damage."

Verin hesitated before responding. "If I release them, what is to prevent you from leaving, or attacking us?"

A tiny glimmer of hope. Janeway seized it. "Why don't we take a small step? You release one of the hostages, and I'll send you a supply of food and medicine."

*****

On the planet, the three listened intently to the negotiations. Chakotay could tell Kathryn was getting exasperated, but what concerned him more was the look on Verin's face. The leader had gone from extreme agitation to an unnatural, cold control. Verin picked up one of the transport enhancers. His gaze swept around the room before settling on Joe.

"You," he called. "What's your name?"

Joe glanced at the others before replying, "Joe Carey."

Verin waved the instrument in his hand. "Set up your…transport enhancers, as you call them."

Joe rose and complied. All the while, a prickling sensation increased steadily in Chakotay. He could see Tom and Joe looked hopeful, but instinctively he knew something was terribly, dreadfully wrong.

Verin picked up an automatic weapon, and gestured for Joe to stand inside the triangle of the enhancers. He moved to do so.

An overwhelming sense of urgency gripped Chakotay. "No!" he called out. Everyone turned to look at him. He struggled to stand, using Tom's shoulder for leverage. "I'll go."

Verin hesitated, shrugged indifferently, and gestured with his weapon.

"It's probably a good idea, Chakotay," Tom said. "You're the worst injured of us three. The Doctor can take care of you better up there."

Chakotay looked at the young man who had started out as his enemy, and become a friend over the years. He squeezed his shoulder, then carefully stepped in between the enhancers. He blinked to clear his vision, and stared straight into Verin's cold, empty eyes.

He knew it was often said that at a time like this, a person's life would flash before their eyes, but all Chakotay could see was one face - just one dear, beautiful face. He'd sworn to always be by her side and make her burdens lighter, and now, he was going to fail. Regret and grief tore at his soul. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I'm sorry too, Mr. Chakotay," Verin said, and raised his weapon. "Your crewman's ready, Captain."

*****

Janeway sighed in relief. Finally, a break in the stalemate. She nodded at Harry. "Beam him directly to Sickbay."

Suddenly, Tom's voice could be heard shouting. "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Then the awful sound of weapon's fire.

"Tom, what's happening?" Janeway called out, but she knew. The terrible creeping cold within her, the slash of deep cutting pain in her heart, and she knew.

The hail from the Doctor was no surprise. "Sickbay to Bridge. They've killed Commander Chakotay."

*****

Five minutes. She would allow herself five minutes, and then she would get on with what needed to be done next.

Janeway stood in the center of her ready room, eyes closed, fists clenched against the pain. Five minutes, five years, or five decades would make no difference to the depth of emptiness, the bottomless well of pain and grief from one senseless act. But five minutes was all she could spare right now; the lives of two crewmen were still in jeopardy.

She raged against the frustration that very fact caused, because what she wanted to do right now was unleash every photon torpedo Voyager had down on that squat, ugly little planet that had stolen her whole world, her whole life. But she couldn't do that, because of her people stuck down there.

And she knew Chakotay wouldn't want that anyway. To condemn a whole planet because of the actions of one angry, wounded man - that was not his way. Nor was it hers. Part of her mind was shocked at herself, but on another level it felt so fitting, so right, to take up a phaser, head down to Sickbay, and blast Otrin to smithereens. Eye for an eye. She could almost see Chakotay shaking his head at her.

Thoughts tumbled erratically through her mind. Just a few hours ago, she'd watched the flurry of emotions on B'Elanna's face when she told her that Tom was a hostage. Fear, anger, and back to fear again. Her hands had instinctively gone to her swollen belly. Janeway had never been more proud of the young woman than the moment she took a deep breath, blew it out slowly and calmly said, "Okay. What next?"

Now Janeway was going to have to tell B'Elanna that her best friend was dead. She wouldn't have to add that there was a very real possibility that her husband could be next.

Memories spiraled through her mind. The first time she'd seen Chakotay through the view screen. Laughing together on New Earth. Sharing a sail on holographic Lake George. Holding his hand and listening to him talk after his brainwashing by the Vori. Their argument over the Borg three years ago. Then, just a few months ago, he'd held her hand when she'd headed off to deliberately allow herself to be assimilated by them.

"Oh God," she groaned aloud. "How can I go on without him?" She would, she knew, because she had to, but how? Raising one shaking hand to her mouth, she bit the knuckle to stop herself from screaming. A short sob burst from her as she realized it was the same hand Chakotay had kissed less than twenty-four hours ago.

She thought of the night they'd come as close as they ever had to acknowledging the feelings that had simmered between them for years. They had talked about the likelihood that one of them would not survive the entire trip home. It had been a solemn, honest, open moment when they had faced each other and promised that, no matter what happened, the survivor would continue on and see the crew home.

It had been a lot easier to make such a promise then.

The arms of grief extended, waiting to enfold her to its cloying bosom. Ruthlessly, she pushed it aside, scrubbing at her eyes. She had no time for that now. All the same, she was forced to acknowledge the falsity of a belief that until now, she hadn't realized she held.

She had known what it was to lose someone she openly loved, and shared an intimate relationship with. And now, she knew that it was no easier to lose someone she loved, but had never even acknowledged her feelings for.

One Christmas a few years ago, after the usual party, she and Chakotay had stopped at her quarters for another drink. They'd shared stories and laughed, probably more from the drinks than the actual humor of their conversation. When Chakotay was about to leave, Janeway waved her glass at him.

"You know, I never thanked you for sacrificing your ship for Voyager, so I sincerely, deeply thank you, Chakotay." She raised her glass in a boozy salute to him.

He'd turned from the door, and weaved his way unsteadily over to her. Propping his hands on the arms of her chair, he bent carefully until they were nose to nose. "I didn't do it for Voyager." Then he pushed himself upright and walked in something less than a straight line out the door.

Now, like B'Elanna, Janeway took a deep breath, and blew it out slowly. She held her hands before her; the trembling had stopped. She spoke out loud in the emptiness of her ready room. "I promise you my friend, my…love." There, she'd finally said it. "I promise, I will get them home. For you." Turning, she strode back onto the bridge.

The doors to her ready room had barely swished shut behind her when the hail came. "Sickbay to Bridge."

Several things struck her at once: the overwhelming sense of gloom on the bridge, that she still had to speak to B'Elanna, and she had to make the announcement to her entire crew. As soon as the Doctor posted Chakotay's death notice, she would have to hear his final message. But worst of all, right now, she still had to go down to Sickbay and see him. Every fiber of her soul dreaded it, railed against it, but she owed it to him.

With a sigh, she acknowledged the hail. "Janeway here, Doctor." Even to her, her voice sounded exhausted.

"I, uh, Captain, I…" The EMH sounded uncharacteristically flustered, even confused.

"Doctor, I'll be on my way shortly, alright?" She wasn't in the mood to be hounded right now.

"No, no. It's alright, it's fine. Any time. Although, I, uh, think you might want to come soon, Captain. You see, I can't explain it, but…" His voice faded away.

Her hands went to her hips, and with her tightly strung emotions, exasperation built quickly. "But what, Doctor? Spit it out!"

"As I said, I don't understand it, but Commander Chakotay has a heartbeat, and he's breathing again."

*****

"Here. Drink this." Shonrin handed the two officers cups of liquid. "You're suffering from radiation poisoning."

The men hesitated, then accepted the offered cups. They felt too ill - physically and emotionally - to care much any more.

"Thank you, but why are you helping us?" Tom inquired.

"Your daughter is going to need a father, isn't she?" The woman dropped her eyes. "And…I'm sorry about your friend."

Joe looked away for a moment at the mention of the commander. Hurt anger spilled from his voice. "How could Verin just deliberately murder someone like that?"

"Please try to understand," Shonrin pleaded. "This used to be a beautiful place. Verin's wife, child, parents, and so many friends died slowly and horribly because of the radiation."

"Look," Tom said, "we're genuinely sorry this happened to you. But you also need to understand that this was not our fault. It was never the intention of our ancestors who sent this probe that anything like this would happen."

The woman nodded slowly. "I do underst-oh!" She cried in pain, and gripped her belly. Water soaked her lap. "It's the baby!" she wailed.

Tom took her arm. "Let me help you." He and Joe assisted her to lie down, and began an examination. Long, long minutes dragged by as the woman's cries increased. Tom finally rose and called Verin to come over.

Tom whispered out of Shonrin's hearing. "The baby is breach and both aren't going to make it if you don't let me take her to our ship. We have technology that can help her there."

"Your technology has helped us quite enough," Verin snarled, and turned to walk away.

Urgency spurred Tom to take a chance and he grabbed the leader's arm. "Look man, not all technology is bad. Are you going to let hurts from the past cause this woman and her child to die needlessly? Our doctor can save them both."

Joe had joined the discussion. "I'll stay here. Our captain would never leave, whether there's one hostage or three."

Verin hesitated, but at the agonized cry from Shonrin, he conceded. "Alright. Take her. But understand this, if they die, he dies." He jerked his head toward Joe.

*****

Pain was the first thing Chakotay was aware of. It wasn't screaming pain, but all the same, every fiber of his body hurt, especially his chest. Mentally pushing past that overriding sensation, the next thing he became aware of was something tickling the fingers of one of his hands. He really didn't feel like opening his eyes, but curiosity forced him to crack his eyelids a bit. The sight that met his bewildered eyes was so unbelievable, that it was only the mechanical sounds and distinctive smell of Sickbay which confirmed to him this was indeed reality.

Kathryn sat holding one of his hands between both of hers, her eyes closed. Her head was bent, and she had raised his hand so her lips brushed his fingers over and over.

The idea that she was kissing his fingers was shocking enough, but another thought stunned him even more. He blinked, looked again, and became more convinced that what he saw was true.

Kathryn Janeway - scientist, Starfleet captain extraordinaire - was praying.

His voice was a croaky whisper. "Did I make it in time, or is it leola root casserole for me?"

Her eyes flew open, and an expression of delight spread over her pale features, before she called over her shoulder. "Doctor, the commander is awake."

The EMH appeared at his shoulder, tricorder in hand. "Ah Commander, nice of you to join us in the land of the living again. How are you feeling?"

Chakotay tried to sit up, but with a painful grunt, subsided back to the biobed. "I hurt everywhere, especially my chest. I feel like I was kicked by a horse."

"Not surprising, considering every neuro pathway in your body was overloaded to the point of being fried." The doctor pressed a hypospray against his neck. "There. That should ease your discomfort somewhat."

This time, Chakotay was able to sit up with their assistance. "I take it this means the mission didn't go well. Are the others alright?" On the other side of Sickbay, he saw an alien male talking quietly with a female, who held what appeared to be a newborn infant. The woman's face showed minor evidence of radiation damage.

"You don't remember anything at all?" The captain glanced uneasily at the doctor, concerned about how much to tell him.

Chakotay rubbed at his temple, grimacing slightly as the movement pulled at his chest muscle. "I remember starting out on the Delta Flyer. It was a rough ride because of the turbulence, then…nothing. Did we crash? How are the others?" He searched their faces for some kind of clue. Horror began to creep over him. "They're not…dead, are they?"

Janeway hastened to reassure him, "No, Chakotay, the others are okay."

"That's right, Commander," the Doctor chimed in, "you're the only one who's died so far."

Chakotay started to laugh, but the serious expressions on the faces of both Kathryn and the Doctor stopped him. The picture of Kathryn praying rose in his mind. He swallowed slowly. "Well, this doesn't look anything like the spirit realm, so I assume I have you, Doctor, to thank for another medical miracle in saving my life."

The Doctor harrumphed disgustedly. The perpetual scowl lines in his holographic face deepened. "I wish I could take credit for reviving you, Commander, but I'm sorry to have to report that your thanks should be directed to my so-called colleague, Dr. Riley Fraser." The way the EMH spat the name of the woman who had assimilated Chakotay, then forced him to reactivate a Borg cube almost five years previous, left no doubt as to his opinion of her.

It was a day of shocks for Chakotay. "Riley Fraser? How…? What…?"

"Nanoprobes," Janeway told him, almost apologetically. She, better than anyone, knew his hatred for the Borg, and specifically for how Riley Fraser had betrayed him. "They've been dormant all this time, but when you were shot on the planet, they activated and began repairing the damage."

The commander gave a short laugh and shook his head slowly. "If anyone had ever said I'd be grateful to Riley Fraser for anything, I would never have believed it."

The captain's expression turned hard. "Me neither," she muttered stonily.

"Is everyone back from the surface?" Chakotay asked.

Janeway shook her head. "Lieutenant Carey is still a hostage."

The commander swung his legs over the edge of the biobed, with the obvious intention of hopping off. He grunted through his pain, "We have to organize a mission to get him back."

"What do you think you're doing?" The Doctor grabbed his arm. "May I remind you that a short while ago you were clinically dead? I was half a minute from posting your death notice. You are in no shape to be mounting rescue expeditions!" The EMH looked to the captain for support.

Janeway toyed with her comm badge, glancing from the commander to the trio of aliens in the corner, and back to the commander. "Hmm," was all she said.

"Captain!" the EMH exclaimed, outraged. "You can't possibly be thinking of allowing the Commander to go back to that planet. As Chief Medical Officer, I absolutely forbid it!"

Janeway seemed to awaken from her musing, and her eyes returned to the Doctor. "Back to the planet? No, of course not. But I believe there is a way the commander could be instrumental in seeing Lieutenant Carey back safe and sound, and a total resolution to this whole mess." She tapped her comm badge. "Janeway to senior staff. Meet me in Sickbay in five minutes."

*****

The natives in the cave heard a strange sound and turned to see what it was. They exclaimed with amazement and joy because before their stunned eyes, Otrin and Shonrin appeared - totally healed. "Look at Shonrin!" someone shouted. Her tummy was almost flat, and in her arms she carried a beautiful baby.

"Everyone, listen to me!" Otrin called. "The people on Voyager have modified their transporters to compensate for the atmospheric conditions so that they can now beam directly here. And they're sending enough food and medicine for us all!"

He tapped a comm badge on his chest and said, "Captain, you can send the first allotment." At that moment, a stack of barrels and boxes appeared in the cave.

Several of the men ran toward them until Verin shouted. "Stop! It could be a trap. Who knows what's in those containers!"

Otrin rounded on him. "Verin, don't you get it? Although Voyager still needs the enhancers to beam out of the cave, with the modifications they've made, they could have sent a dozen armed officers here, killed us, and taken back Mr. Carey. But they didn't."

"Look at my child." Shonrin declared. "He's alive, he's healthy, and he's beautiful! Their doctor used a transporter to deliver my baby, and then healed us both - without asking for anything. They just want to help us."

Verin turned to see that the people had already opened several of the crates, and were withdrawing packages. Suddenly someone called out, "What's this?"

As Otrin retrieved the strange round device, Verin yelled, "You see! It was just a ruse, after all. It's probably a bomb. Get it out of here!"

The scientist shook his head. "It's a viewer transmitter, Verin. They showed me how it works, and it's perfectly safe. I can have it working in only a couple of minutes so you can talk face to face with Captain Janeway. Don't you think that would be a better way to communicate?"

In minutes, although still suspicious, Verin sat before the viewer and hailed the ship orbiting around his stricken planet. The picture crackled occasionally, but clearly showed the bridge of a ship, and a number of uniformed people. In the center was a woman who rose from her chair to stand directly before him.

"Mr. Verin?" she inquired.

At his nod, she continued.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway. My senior staff was able to modify our transporters to allow us to beam directly to you, so I wanted you to see that technology isn't always bad. We've been working with Mr. Otrin's ideas of recombining the nucleonic particles in the atmosphere, and we believe we have a way of dispersing the agent widespread over your planet."

"No, the only solution is to get off -" Verin started, but a burst of happy laughter to his right cut him off. Shonrin was joyfully showing off her baby to a group of woman gathered around the perfectly healthy mother and child. He finally looked back at the viewer and sighed. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"To help you trust us, I'm willing to make a concession, despite the fact that you cold-bloodedly murdered my first officer," Janeway said. "Lieutenant Carey will remain with you for the duration of the procedure we developed with Mr. Otrin, so long as you agree to share with the lieutenant some of the food and medicine we sent. Oh, and in case you require any more convincing that our technology can accomplish very positive things…"

Janeway looked to her left and a tall, dark-haired male stepped into view. Verin's jaw dropped at the sight of the man he had shot at pointblank range. He'd heard over the comm link when Voyager's doctor had pronounced him dead, yet there he stood, pale, yet alive and apparently healthy. The first officer's expression looked equally shocked as he stared back at Verin.

"I'm sure you recognize Commander Chakotay," Janeway spoke. "Mr. Verin, are you willing to try things our way now?"

Unable to tear his eyes away from the commander, Verin could only nod.

*****

"First officer's personal log: Today, for those who celebrate it, is Christmas Day. It's said to be a day of miracles and gifts, and earlier I saw an amazing sight, one I'd never expected. Contrary to my own spiritual nature, I always knew that Kathryn Janeway was not a religious person. But today I saw Kathryn pray. Oh, and one other interesting thing happened today. I died. Surprisingly, I have the Borg to thank that I'm still here. Somehow it seems fitting that on Christmas day, I had the pleasure of seeing a planet's radioactive atmosphere restored to normal, so that its people can start rebuilding. On top of that, I learned something unexpected about myself today. End recording."

A wave of exhaustion swept over Chakotay, and he rubbed his eyes. "Computer, time?"

"The time is 2338."

No wonder he was so tired. He'd awakened at 0400, been beaten up, taken hostage, subjected to radiation poisoning, murdered, and brought back to life. "All in all, a pretty busy day," he murmured. The Doctor would not be happy to know he was still up.

His door chime sounded, and he bid the person enter. He'd already received visits from Joe, Tom and B'Elanna - who had embarrassed herself by crying all over him, Harry, and lastly Neelix. There was only one person this would be.

Kathryn stood just far enough inside that the door could shut. "The computer said that you were still awake, so I wanted to see how you were doing. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

He motioned her over to the couch, and left his desk to join her there. "I haven't tried, actually. My body is tired, but my brain won't shut up. I'm sorry, would you like some coffee?" He made a motion to get up.

"Just sit, Chakotay; I'll get it. Herbal tea for you? I'll even pay." She rose and headed across the room to the replicator. "By the way, I brought your Christmas present. It's a holodeck program I hope you'll enjoy once you've had a chance to fully recover."

"As long as you join me, I'm sure I will enjoy it. Thank you." He accepted the cup from her, but didn't take a sip, just stared blankly over the rim at the computer chip she slid onto the coffee table. The touch of her hand on his leg drew his attention back.

Her expression was one of deep concern. "Want to talk about it?" she invited.

"Yes. No. I don't know." Chakotay blew out a long breath, and stared at her hand, warm and small on his thigh. He could see the blue veins, the fragile bones. The back of her hand was dotted with freckles, making her seem softer, less the indomitable captain.

He covered her hand with his and spoke before he could edit his own words. "Kathryn, when I woke up in Sickbay, were you…praying?" He looked up quickly to catch her expression.

She too regarded their hands together for such a long time, he wondered if she was going to reply. He considered if he should offer another topic for conversation when she finally spoke.

"No, not at that point. But I had certainly prayed before - fervently begging and pleading." She looked up and smiled wryly, but her eyes glimmered brightly. "My father had a favorite saying: there are no atheists in foxholes, meaning that in times of extreme crisis, even non-religious people will call for divine assistance. And I certainly couldn't think of anything more critical than you on a biobed, just barely alive."

She looked behind him out his viewport. "Right after the doctor discovered you were breathing and had a heartbeat, he wasn't sure just how much repair those lovely little nanoprobes could do. You see, your brain had been without oxygen for a quite a while when you were…" Her voiced trailed away, as though she couldn't bring herself to say the word.

"Dead?" he supplied, and she looked back at him and nodded.

"Like your parents, Chakotay, mine were traditionalists, and went as far as holding to a fairly traditional faith. Even though my dad was a Starfleet admiral and my mother was a mathematician, they saw no dichotomy between their belief in science, and their belief in the divine. In fact, if anything, their understanding of science seemed to deepen their faith."

She chuckled disparagingly and shrugged a shoulder. "Now I, on the other hand, in my arrogance, was one hundred and ten percent positive that science held the answers to absolutely everything. However, the more exposure I had to the universe as I rose through the ranks of Starfleet, the more I encountered things that defied a neat, tidy, scientific explanation."

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. "And I'll bet that annoyed the hell out of you."

With a short laugh, she acknowledged, "Yes indeed, it did. Then I got tossed to the other side of the universe, and made the acquaintance of an amazing shaman." Her hand moved slightly on his leg.

Chakotay shook his head at her. "I'm no shaman, Kathryn."

"Aren't you?"

Two little words that sent a prickle running over his scalp, down his neck, and across his back. It reminded him of the first time he successfully took a vision quest. He didn't have the energy to pursue this idea now, but knew he would have to soon. Not everyone came back from the dead to have a second chance at destiny. "Go on with what you were saying."

"By the time you woke up, I wasn't actually praying, as in, asking for help. I was actually giving thanks."

It had been a day of constant surprises. "Really?"

She nodded. "We knew by that point that you were going to make it. All your brain scans were normal, and even if you'd lost some memory, we knew it would be minimal. My mother also had a favorite saying, that everything happens for a reason."

By her expression, Chakotay felt Kathryn was a becoming uncomfortable, and that was confirmed when she withdrew her hand and stood to pace. "Four and a half years ago, I was so angry, so incredibly angry at what Riley Fraser did to you. I wanted to blow that damned cube into tiny pieces of shrapnel. And…" She paused, and ran a hand through her hair.

"And?" he encouraged.

Hands on hips, she blew out a breath. "And…I was Irish green with jealousy of her for experiencing with you what I never had, and what I wanted."

His heart sang within him, and he held his hand out to her. She took it and returned to sit beside him, leaning forward with an earnest expression on her face.

"I don't know exactly what my spiritual beliefs are. My faith isn't like my parents', nor like yours. But I am convinced that there's more to life than meets the eye. Chakotay, if Riley hadn't injected you with nanoprobes four and half years ago, I would have lost you forever today. And if Verin had shot Joe or Tom, they would have died, as neither of them have any nanoprobes in their systems. So, yes, by the time you woke up, I was giving thanks."

That prickling was back, expanding to a full humming through his heart and soul, and he felt a little short of breath. The word 'destiny' kept resounding through his mind, over and over like the swinging pendulum of a ticking grandfather clock. He had to hold her, felt totally compelled to, so he hauled her into his arms, closing his eyes as he pressed his cheek against hers. It was gratifying to feel her arms instantly encircle his waist, as though she were equally desperate.

After a few moments, he drew back just enough to be able to speak to her. "There are a couple of things I'd like to talk to you about." Almost beyond his control, his fingers were drawn to a burnished curl of hair by her ear, captivating him the way it glimmered both light and dark.

Where to start, he wondered? She was watching him, waiting patiently - an unusual thing for her - so he simply opened his mouth, and let the words flow.

"When I saw Verin over the viewer, everything came back. All the memories rushed in so strongly, I thought I might black out. I saw myself again in that cave, standing in the middle of the transport enhancers, staring at Verin, exactly the same way I was right then."

Kathryn touched his cheek briefly in a soothing manner. "It's not every day that someone looks into the eyes of the person who killed them."

"That's for sure. I knew what he was going to do, and all I could think of was you, and how desperately I didn't want to leave you. This angry warrior, who's not so angry any more," he smiled, "is very happy to be back with his warrior woman. I've been given another opportunity, and I have to tell you that I never want to be away from you. Not ever again. You're in my heart, Kathryn." He shrugged ruefully. "I've tried to change that over the years, but I learned today, it hasn't happened, and I know now it never will."

If it had been anyone else, he would have said she looked close to tears, but Kathryn Janeway never cried, so he knew he had to be wrong. Even so, to lighten the intense emotions a bit he quickly added, "And the second thing I have to tell you, is that I still don't have a Christmas present to give you."

This day of revelations continued for Chakotay, for he watched in amazement as a single tear trickled slowly down her cheek. Kathryn gave him a watery smile, and leaned forward to take his face in her hands. Her thumbs brushed his cheeks, her fingers slid behind his ears into his hair. Delight shimmered through him when she lightly brushed his lips with hers and murmured, "You already did, my love."

The End

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© Brianna Thomas, December 2005 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.