Rated PG
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager (sad, but true). I own my story (not sad and definitely true).
Code: It's unbelievable but it's a fact. I've written a story that's PG.
Summary: A chronicle of the friendship of Janeway and Chakotay through the years. Lots of spoilers, lots of episodes.
Much gratitude to Jim Wright's Delta Blues site for the comprehensive episode reviews.
Captain Janeway sat in her living room staring at the picture in her hands. She'd given up trying to sleep an hour ago, and there was so much work she could be - should be - doing, yet she felt stuck, unable to really move either physically or mentally. She tried listening to music, but it wasn't helping to relax her the way it usually did. She realized on a certain level that she was still in denial. How could it possibly be true? Pulled to the other side of the galaxy on the whim of a powerful being and abandoned. Her brain seemed to bounce around erratically from thought to thought.
Seventy thousand light years from home. She stared at the picture of Mark and Molly and tried to force back the tears that sprang forward.
A good number of her crew was dead, including her first officer, Cavitt. A felon was now her helmsman. Terrorists were now a part of her crew, including her new first officer. A strange, exuberant alien possessed the only knowledge of the quadrant.
She felt panic threaten to overwhelm her. "Get a grip, Janeway," she muttered to herself, only to have tears arise again as her mind brought up thoughts of her mother, her sister. She closed her eyes, trying to force her mind to calm like Tuvok had taught her. Thank God for Tuvok. He was all that was familiar to her, and she reached out like grasping for a lifeline. But even there, emotion lay in wait for her as she recalled their conversation in her ready room just a few hours ago. He had admitted he missed his family and she had promised to get him home to them.
Seventy thousand light years from home. No support. Unknown enemies and dangers before them. Where would they find the supplies to survive? How would this motley crew ever work together? She looked down at the picture again, and instead of feeling strengthened by it, felt herself sinking even more. Seventy thousand light years.
Her door chime sounded and she looked up in surprise. Who would be calling on her in the middle of the night at her quarters? "Computer, who is at the door?"
"Commander Chakotay," came the mechanical reply.
Nothing but questions surged through her already tired mind. The chime sounded again, so she called out, "Come."
She stood as the door swished open, and the tall, broad shouldered form of the Maquis captain entered her quarters. There was a solidness about the man that made her want to trust him, but in truth, he was one more unknown factor. She'd been sent to capture him, and now he was closest in rank to her. She was utterly dependent upon him for the almost impossible task of melding this crew into one, and one they must be if they were to have any hope at all of even surviving, much less actually getting home.
"Commander, is there a problem?" She couldn't think of any other reason he would be here, but then, why had he not just contacted her by comm signal?
He was a handsome man, tall, strong, the blue lines of his tattoo lending him an exotic air. He moved powerfully, yet smoothly with grace. Her thoughts bounced again. 'Will you be my friend or my foe, I wonder?'
He was smiling at her, and it was truly a beautiful smile. "A problem, Captain? You mean other than being stranded seventy thousand light years from home, with unknown crew members, in an unknown quadrant, no possible contact with home for support or supplies, and nothing familiar around us? You want more problems than that?"
She couldn't help grinning back at him. He had just echoed all her thoughts of the last hour. "Thanks, but I think that's enough to start with. Would you like some coffee?"
He grimaced. "At this hour? No, thanks, Captain. If I'm going to have any hope of getting any sleep at all tonight, I'll stay away from it. I suppose you're addicted to the stuff?"
She glanced back at him from the replicator. "Guilty as charged. I made it through the academy on coffee and never got over it. Would you like anything else? I believe we have some herbal teas programmed in as well."
"How about chamomile?"
She indicated the couch and as she handed the cup to him, she studied him. He was still in his uniform, his new rank bar in place. "Speaking of sleep, why are you still up, Commander, and what brings you to my quarters?" May as well be forthright and forget about beating around the bush.
He sipped his tea before replying. "Why am I still up? Well, your EMH did a fine job fixing my leg, but it aches when I'm inactive for any length of time, and why I'm here is because I could hear your music and so I checked with the computer to see if you were still awake. I thought you might want to talk about our situation, if you were unable to sleep."
She felt a little touch of chagrin. She'd forgotten that he'd broken his leg while leaving the planet and had been rescued by Tom Paris, of all people. She noted that the commander had referred to the holographic doctor as her EMH. "Sorry about the music. So, how do you feel about owing your life to Tom Paris?"
He grimaced again and tugged on his earlobe. "Well, I'm not really happy about it, but given the choice of being dead, or that, well…"
She couldn't help but laugh. Just a few minutes ago, she'd been on the verge of breaking down and now she felt a renewed sense of, what - hope? Life? She watched as he picked up the picture sitting on her coffee table.
"Husband?" he asked.
"No. My fiancé, Mark." The sadness touched her again, but this time didn't crush her. "And my dog Molly."
He nodded as he studied the picture. They were quiet for a moment before she asked. "Do you have family back in the Alpha Quadrant, Commander?"
"A sister and a cousin. Everyone else was killed by the Cardassians."
He'd said it unemotionally and without any tone of bitterness or accusation. Somehow, sitting with this man made the reason for the Maquis much more real. She wondered what he'd seen and what experiences he'd had. She'd read his file, of his Starfleet training and career that he'd turned his back on to become a renegade, a wanted man, for the sake of principles that he'd obviously believed in strongly.
"I've never been to Dorvan V. Is it beautiful?" She knew from his file that was his homeworld.
"It was. It isn't any more." Again, he spoke unemotionally, but she'd seen something flash through his eyes.
"I'm sorry." She was, truly, even though she had no way of really understanding what he'd gone through.
He looked back at her, openly studying her, taking stock of her. The fingerprints smudging the glass of the picture and her red rimmed eyes told him plenty. "Captain, I'm here because I guess I wanted you to know that I realize we're going to need to support one another through this journey, and to let you know that you're not alone."
She looked down quickly, not wanting him to see how much his words touched her. She'd been feeling overwhelmed and completely alone, and this unknown man appeared and reassured her. Maybe, hopefully they could form a true team, and as he said, support one another.
"Tell me, Commander. Are you feeling a little overwhelmed by what faces us?" She looked up at him to see his face.
"No. Not a little. A whole hell of a lot."
She smiled, greatly relieved to hear it. "Me too."
He nodded at her. "Frankly, I'm glad to hear it." At her quirked eyebrow, he continued. "I know it's not considered good form for a captain to admit or show weakness of any kind, but if you weren't feeling daunted by what's happened and what's before us, I'd be concerned that you were operating a few bricks short of a load."
She laughed outright at the old fashioned phrase. "I guess you're right. Anyone not feeling the pressure would have to be loony."
He grinned at her. "Totally crackers."
"Ready for Bedlam."
He cocked his head. "Bedlam?"
She smiled. "Hah. Gotcha. Bedlam was an insane asylum in old England centuries ago."
He conceded defeat with a laugh and held his hand out to her. As she shook it, he rose. "I'll look it up in the database. Thanks for the tea, Captain. If you ever want to talk," he grinned, "you know where to find me."
"It is rather hard to hide on ship this size." She walked him to the door. "Commander." She briefly put her hand on his arm and he looked down at her. She was aware of his size, yet felt comfortable beside him. "Thank you for stopping by. It's going to be a challenge, but we'll make it."
His gaze was gentle, but full of confidence. "Yes, we will."
*****
It had been a disappointing visit. First, to have their hopes lifted so high by the possibility of leaping forty thousand light years in one move, and then the huge let down of discovering that the Sikarans had their own version of the Prime Directive that forbade them from sharing technology with outsiders. Interesting to have the shoe on the other foot and to experience the frustration others often felt when dealing with Voyager.
Hard on its heels had come the shocking revelation that a member of the crew had gone ahead and illegally acquired the device. Unfortunately, not only had it not worked, it had nearly destroyed the warp core, and the ship.
Chakotay watched first Torres, then later Tuvok leave Captain Janeway's ready room, and he was pretty sure what had happened. He felt oddly proud of B'Elanna, despite the circumstances, knowing she had taken the lumps that had been deservedly forthcoming. She was growing up, accepting responsibility for her actions. He waited a few minutes, turned the bridge over, then approached the captain's doors, PADD in hand. He entered at her summons. "Here's a report on the repairs, Captain."
Janeway sat at her desk, and the usual captain's mask wasn't cutting it today. And she knew he knew it. She sighed, and gestured to the chair before her desk. He was her first officer, after all. "It was Tuvok who acquired the device."
He nodded. It was as he thought. She looked very pale, totally rocked to her very core.
She glanced at him. "I hardly know what to say, what to think. This is the last thing I would ever have imagined. I feel like my last solid piece of ground to stand on just crumbled beneath me." She looked away.
He had a feeling that normally at a time like this she would be pacing, but it looked like all her energy had been siphoned away. "You've known Tuvok for a long time."
She nodded a little bleakly. "He's the last person I would ever have expected to try something like this. I need his constancy, his guidance, now more than ever." She realized what she'd just said and looked at him, "I'm sorry, Commander, it's just…"
"I understand," he interrupted. "I'm still pretty much an unknown to you. All I can say to you is, nobody's perfect, and everybody's going to fail now and then. The situation we are in has never been faced by any of us, so we're all stumbling along, trying to find our feet. Even Tuvok."
She managed a tiny smile. "Thank you, Commander." Maybe Tuvok wasn't the only person she had to rely on out here.
Commander Chakotay chuckled. "You know what they say; to err is human. Well, it looks like Mr. Tuvok just displayed a little humanity."
This brought a real smile from her. "Ooh. That's hitting below the belt, Commander!"
He rose. "I promise not to tell if you won't."
"Deal."
He paused just before her door. "Just remember, Captain. To thine own self be true…"
She picked up the saying, "…and it must follow, as the night the day…"
"…thou canst not then be false to any man," he finished.
She looked at him thoughtfully. A renegade and a poet. "I'll remember, Commander."
He turned to leave.
"Chakotay? Thank you."
It was first time she ever addressed him only by his name.
*****
It was almost a schizophrenic experience. To be so relieved and happy at being released from life on the planet they'd named New Earth and reunited with everyone heading home again, while at the same time, feeling like they were being forced back into roles that now more resembled a pair of ill-fitting shoes.
Speaking of shoes, he carefully tried to wiggle his toes inside his boots. He'd all but forgotten how damned uncomfortable these things were. Right now they felt about as bad as they had that day back at the academy when he'd had to run twenty laps in his uniform and boots for his trainer Nimembeh.
He surreptitiously tugged at his turtleneck. Even his uniform was uncomfortable, and he knew he hadn't gained weight on the planet. All the physical labor had trimmed him to a level of fitness he hadn't experienced for years. Probably not since Nimembeh.
He glanced carefully at Kathryn. She was doing her best to resurrect her captain's mask, but he knew she was struggling. He'd seen it in her eyes when they first received Tuvok's slightly garbled hail, and also just before they'd beamed back to Voyager when she had held his gaze. It had been the last time she openly looked at him. In fact, she'd hardly spoken to him since they arrived back, and just a couple of minutes ago, she'd coldly issued her orders to him like he was a recalcitrant cadet. They'd been so comfortable together on New Earth, so at ease, and now this. He could tell the bridge crew was feeling just a little confused.
She must have felt his eyes on her because she looked up and caught his gaze. There was pain there, and something else. Something much like regret. She stood abruptly. "Commander, my ready room." She strode off without a backward glance. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."
The doors had barely shut before she flew into his arms. He wasn't prepared and it almost sent him stumbling. He closed his arms around her to hold them both up.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she was repeating over and over. He could hear the tears in her voice. "I don't know how to do this any more. I've forgotten how to be the captain. I just want to be Kathryn."
He rubbed her back soothingly and shushed her. "It's okay, Kathryn. It'll be all right. You'll find the balance and get your feet back, you'll see. Just give it time." He expected her to move away, but she didn't.
"I don't want to seem ungrateful for the hard work everyone put into saving us, but Chakotay," she finally looked up at him, "part of me wishes we were back there right now."
He wiped away the lone tear that trickled down her cheek. "It's a strange feeling isn't it? Rejoicing and grieving at the same time."
She nodded and leaned her head against his chest, her arms tight around his waist. They stood together like that for a long time.
*****
He had been very quiet ever since they regained the ship. She knew he had gone to Sickbay to - how could it be described? Pay his last respects? Whatever. He had gone to see both Seska and Suder. She wondered how he felt about finding out that Seska's baby was not his after all. At least he knew from the Doctor that Seska had been genuinely surprised when she'd been informed of the child's true father.
She found him on the holodeck, and since the privacy lock was not engaged, she entered. It was a boxing program so she settled herself in a chair against the wall to watch. Chakotay was in the ring. She was torn between watching his muscular form pounding his opponent, or watching Boothby shouting encouragement and instructions to him from ringside.
It was quite a while before they took a break. Boothby tossed Chakotay a towel and his water bottle and left him to get his own gloves off. The old gardener of Starfleet Academy walked over to her. "Well, if it isn't Kathryn Janeway. You have managed to surprise me, young lady, and that doesn't happen often, I'll have you know. I never expected to see you in my training hall. I thought tennis was more your game. Thinking of taking up a new sport?"
She smiled. So, Chakotay had downloaded all of Boothby's parameters. "I don't think I'm suited for this particular sport, Boothby."
Chakotay had joined them. "I don't know, Kathryn. You seem pretty good at pounding the heck out of most of our enemies."
Boothby looked from one to the other. "Found yourself a cute groupie, eh son? Well, I'll leave you two young people to it." He marched away before either of them could protest.
Chakotay was tugging on his earlobe, a sure sign that he was uncomfortable. "I need a shower, Kathryn."
She sniffed. "Yes, you certainly do." They eyed each other sideways and then started snickering.
Chakotay ended the program and they exited the holodeck. As they walked the hall, she continued. "I just wanted to see how you were doing after all this."
He sighed. "My feelings are," he paused, "I guess complex would be the best word. I'm both relieved and disappointed that the child isn't mine. I'm embarrassed that Suder, a member of my old crew, murdered a fellow crewman, and thrilled that he aided in the rescue of Voyager before he died."
Kathryn nodded. "Ironic, isn't it? A hologram, a convicted felon and a sociopath wind up saving us all."
He hit the button, calling for the turbolift. Wiping some more sweat from his face with his towel, he turned to her. "You sure you don't want to wait for the next one? It could be a bit whiffy in there."
The doors opened and she stepped confidently through. "After our experiences of roughing it on Hanon, I'm sure I can handle it."
Chakotay leaned against the far wall. "My former crew seem to be dropping like flies. Seska turns out to be a Cardassian spy. At least I have the consolation that even Tuvok didn't see it. Then Hogan dies on Hanon, and now Suder. At least Seska won't be troubling us any more."
It sounded callused, but she knew better. "Chakotay, take consolation that she hadn't been lying when she said the baby was yours. She truly believed it was. And Suder's final acts were nothing short of heroic. I'm sorry about Hogan. He was a good man and a good officer." She peeked out the corner of her eye at her first officer. He was a fine looking man and she wasn't completely immune. 'Get a grip,' she admonished herself.
"How do you feel about Tom's rescuing us?" she asked.
He groaned. "Swooping in like the cavalry. He's got ba - ah, guts, I'll say that for him."
She tried to hide her grin at his near slip up. She wasn't sure which amused her more, the slip, or him feeling the need to modify his language around her. "Maybe you should spend some time getting to know Tom. He's not the indifferent opportunist you think." She knew their relationship had been rocky at best.
He nodded. "I beginning to see that. However," he grinned, "I think the place I'd most like to spend time with Paris, is in the boxing ring."
"Chakotay! You're bad."
The turbolift doors opened and they exited. He winked at her. "I do try."
*****
When Chakotay strode away down the hall, she let him go and returned to Sickbay, playing the polite diplomatic host until Ambassador Treen was ready return to the Kradin's ongoing conflict with their nemesis, the Vori. It was sometime later when she finally made her way to Chakotay's door. She wondered if she was going to have to badger him to let her in, but he bade her to enter on her first ring.
"Captain, I know I should apologize, but I just can't right now." He was turning from his replicator, cup of tea in hand.
"Chakotay, I'm not here as the captain. I'm here as your friend. Believe it or not, Ambassador Treen understood." She looked at his medicine bundle where it rested on his side table. "Have you contacted your animal guide?"
He shook his head. "I know my mind is too agitated, too filled, to be able to do a vision quest right now."
She helped herself at his replicator. When she turned, she took in his look. "Don't worry, I used my own rations. Now," she seated herself beside him on his couch, "let's see if we can empty that overstuffed mind of yours a little bit. Talk to me. Tell me what happened."
So he did. He knew it had all been holographic, but it had felt so real. He told her about Brone, Namon and fresh-faced Rafin, who struggled with what the young man had called the coward's trembles, afraid, yet so earnest. He told her of what the Vori considered to be the greatest desecration, of being left face up when nullified and therefore, not able to go to the Wayafter. Told her of the village, of Marna, of the old man and the little girl whose brother Daryo had been part of the destroyed Seventh Contingent. He had no idea how long he talked, but his voice turned raspy, and he became aware that a fresh cup of tea with honey was in his hand. He hadn't even noticed her move to the replicator. And on he talked…
*****
He sat alone in his quarters, wondering if their relationship was totally over. He'd shouted at her. Called her self-indulgent and lazy, that she wasn't the only person on board suffering. He'd accused her of abusing her position as captain and insisted that if any other crewmember had behaved in such a fashion, she would never have tolerated it. That she would have ordered them to get treatment from the Doctor for their depression and to stop shirking their duties and expecting everyone else to do their work. He told her he'd never seen such uncaptainly behavior, and that the problem wasn't her stranding them in the Delta Quadrant over four years ago, the problem was her attitude now, that this was what was hurting the crew.
She'd stared at him, shocked, open-mouthed, and then began yelling herself. Called him a bastard, an insensitive clod, screamed that he was out of line and that she should have stuck him in the brig way back at the beginning of the journey. Then her voice became deadly calm and she told him to get out. He had, and sneered at her, "Aye, Captain," in the most insolent tone he could summon.
He had done it deliberately. Calculated exactly what to say to hurt the most, to slice through the shroud that had increasingly mummified her over the last two months. It had been the hardest thing he had ever done, to dump a verbal bucket of cold water on her like that, but it seemed to have worked. Later, he'd still had to stand in her way and prevent her from sacrificing herself to close the vortex to protect the residents of the void from the radioactive dumping of the Malon, but all the same, the captain was back.
He just wondered if his friend Kathryn ever would be. His console beeped and he went to check the message.
Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away. George Eliot
You are that kind of friend to me, Chakotay. Breakfast in the mess hall tomorrow? love, K
First, he sent an affirmative reply and second, he saved and archived the message. This was one he was going to want to reread often.
*****
"So, how is Seven?" Chakotay walked around the pool table to take his shot.
She stood leaning on her cue. "All right. She's regenerating for the next thirty-six hours as per orders from the Doctor. Which she argued against, I might add."
"Sounds familiar. I wonder who she learned that trait from?"
Kathryn swung her cue around and lightly whacked him on the butt just as he bent to take his shot.
"Hey!"
"Hey, yourself, smart-mouth. You should be nice to your captain. She's had a hard day."
"Why do you think I'm in an empty pool hall at midnight when I'm on Alpha shift tomorrow, when I could be sawing logs in my quarters? You could say thank you."
"Thank you, Chakotay," she said sweetly. She smiled inwardly at the old phrase, 'sawing logs.' "So, does that mean you still snore?"
It was the first reference Kathryn had made to New Earth in a long while. She'd complained regularly back then about his snoring and had threatened to banish him outside to sleep in her bathtub. "I have no way of knowing whether I do or not, but I assume I still do if I roll onto my back."
She felt a perverse pleasure knowing that no one shared his bed to inform him of his noisy habit. She chided herself, knowing it was none of her business and besides, she had no hold on him. She sighed with a mixture of exhaustion and sadness.
Hearing her sigh snapped his concentration and he missed his shot. He'd known and accepted from the beginning that he had no hope of winning a game of pool against Kathryn. He straightened up. "So Seven is fine, or going to be after obeying the Doctor's orders. How are you?"
Kathryn surveyed the table before walking to the other side. "Well, it sure was an interesting experience watching her flit from one personality to the next. I found it exhausting to watch, so I hate to think what it was like for her." She laughed. "You weren't there when she manifested a Ferengi. What was his name? Damon Torrot, I think. Tried to buy half the ship and offered to fix up Sickbay for a mere 30% commission." She sank her shot. "If it hadn't been for real, it would have been hilarious."
She paused before her next shot, remembering. "And then she became a distraught mother looking for her missing son who served on the Melbourne."
Chakotay went still beside her, knowing as well as she did that the Melbourne had been destroyed by the Borg at Wolf 359, along with so many other ships.
Kathryn took her next shot. "It was impossible to know if each personality was one actually assimilated by Seven herself, or just a part of the collective, perhaps assimilated as much as centuries ago. But the awful reality was," she straightened and leaned against the table, "every single one of those people had been individuals who's plans and hopes and aspirations for their lives were brought to a horrible, abrupt end. It was mind crushing to think of it."
Chakotay nodded. "Sad to say, but at least for a few moments, they got to live again through Seven."
She took the last shot and it hit the pocket with a satisfying rattle. "I guess." Even though it was holographic, she still put the cue back in its proper stand. She looked at her friend beside her as he also settled his cue in the rack. He was just as tired as she was, but he was here for her, just like he always was. His support and care for her meant more than she would ever be able to tell him.
"Thank you, Chakotay. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here."
He just smiled at her. "Are you finally ready to go to bed?"
'If only,' she thought to herself. "Yes, I think I'll turn in now."
He nodded. "Computer, end program." Sandrines disappeared in a shimmer, leaving the bare black and yellow grid of the holodeck. Just before the exit, he stopped. "Kathryn, I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
He pointed his finger to admonish her. "No more coffee, and go straight to bed."
She pretended to pout. "You drive a hard bargain, mister." He was waiting, refusing to take another step. "Oh, all right. I promise."
He patted her shoulder. "There's a good captain."
"Watch it, buster."
*****
Chakotay exited the turbolift and crossed the bridge to the captain's ready room. He waved the young lieutenant back to her seat and pressed the chime on the door.
"Come in, Chakotay."
He hadn't been surprised when the computer had answered his query on the captain's whereabouts that she was in her ready room. Neither was he surprised that she had known it was he at her ready room door at nearly 2330. However, he was surprised as the door swished shut behind him to find her not at her desk, buried under endless piles of PADDs, but sitting on her couch. He'd come prepared to do battle to pry her fingers off her work and get her to retire to her quarters for the night.
It had been a tough, emotional day for her, and he'd figured that she would try to bury some of her hurt in work. To find her sitting on her couch, and from her position, just staring out her view port, somewhat took the wind out of his sails. From the litter of cups on the coffee table, she'd been in that position for a while.
Unsure of what approach to take, he waited. She finally looked up at him, the pain and uncertainty evident in her eyes. "Did I do the right thing, Chakotay?"
He sat on the couch and turned to face her. "Yes, you did, Kathryn," he answered unequivocally. "There was no way you could not address Tom's behavior with strong action."
"He believes he did the right thing," she replied, shaking her head.
"Well, he's wrong. And hopefully the next thirty days and being without that pip for however long will give him time to consider his actions. This is a Starfleet vessel, and he is a Starfleet officer, and you are a Starfleet captain. While his principals were commendable, his methods weren't."
"I nearly killed him." She pressed a hand over her mouth, the tears in her eyes telling him what it had cost her to fire at Tom's shuttle. "I think that's what upsets me the most, that he put me in that kind of a position."
He took her hand. "I understand, but we're also very lucky that it didn't force us into an open conflict with the Moneans. His actions could have cost this ship and all the lives of this crew." He knew he wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know.
She looked down at their joined hands and nodded. "You may need to remind me of this conversation a few times over the next thirty days."
He shrugged. "I'm not going anywhere. The job market in the neighborhood seems a little slow these days." He indicated with a tilt of his head the stars streaking by her view port.
She sighed and her half grin appeared. "Lucky for me."
He stood and pulled her to her feet. "Now will you please go to bed, Kathryn, so that I can?"
Tonight she wished they were headed for the same bed, not for sex, but just to have someone hold her. Her gaze was a little watery as she looked at her hand in his. "I don't deserve you."
He looked down at his usually tough, spirited senior officer. It had been a hard day for the intrepid captain of the U.S.S. Voyager, but she'd never looked more beautiful to him. "Probably. But I have to say, my life has certainly not been boring ever since I hooked up with you."
She smiled a real smile and let him lead her out the ready room doors, knowing they were going to shock the hell out of the late night bridge crew, as they were about to see the command team head to the turbolift hand in hand. The rumor mill would certainly be flying tomorrow. Ah, well, give the crew something else to talk about besides the senior pilot sitting in the brig for the next month.
*****
"She what?" Chakotay was nothing short of amazed.
"You heard me. She hugged me."
Chakotay stared at his captain and friend over the rim of his post dinner drink. "Let me get this straight. B'Elanna Torres, our B'Elanna, hugged you. The feisty half Klingon who reigns supreme in Engineering?"
"I don't know of any other B'Elanna Torres on board Voyager, do you? Besides, why not? I'm not that bad a person." She didn't bother to mention that her chief engineer's action had totally blown her away, too.
"I know that. You're actually a wonderful person - most of the time." He ignored the death glare directed at him. "But I also know B'Elanna. Quite well, as a matter of fact. And if there's one thing B'Elanna is not, it's huggy."
"Maybe this experience of trying to save her mother from winding up in Gre'thor has changed her. Or maybe it was me calling her Lanna like her mother used to," she mused.
"You called her Lanna? And lived? Incredible. She must like you, Kathryn. It's only taken over five years, but your gentle personality finally won her over."
She flung a pillow at him and he caught it and put it behind his back. They sat in companionable silence for a while.
"She actually hugged you?"
"Get over it, Chakotay."
*****
It was late and he should be in bed. The captain had insisted that he return to duty right away, saying he needed to "get back on the horse that threw him." She wanted the crew to see that the command team was united to help them get over this little glitch.
Little glitch. Her words, not his. To call this a little glitch was to call Mount Everest a speed bump.
He thought back to the beginning of their journey when two of his old crew, Seska and Taylor, had come to him, indicating their willingness to follow him should he decide to take over the ship. He knew he had shocked them when he'd slapped them down hard for even suggesting it. Then three years later they'd come across Tuvok's training program, which the chief of security had designed to aid the ship in the event of just such an occurrence.
He stood and walked across the room to his replicator. "Vulcan spice tea." Thinking of Tuvok had brought it to mind. As he returned to sink tiredly onto his couch again, his mind traveled to the terrible time when they had encountered the Equinox. After Kathryn had reinstated him and released him from his quarters, they had been on the bridge together and found the nameplate of the ship amongst the rubble. It had seemed to represent the state of their relationship at the time, sifting through debris to try to find some essence to hold onto. She'd asked him then if he'd considered mutiny. He'd told her it had occurred to him, but that it would have been crossing the line.
Well, he'd done it now. Really done it. Kathryn didn't seem to hold it against him, and while his mind told him he wasn't responsible, his heart was grieved beyond belief. He'd never wanted this ship for himself. He wished that Tuvok's mind meld had erased the memories of the past few days. Instead they seemed to stand out with such sharp clarity as to almost cut.
He sighed as the door chime sounded. He really didn't want to see anyone. He figured it was one of two people. "Computer, who's at the door?"
"Captain Janeway is at the door."
Damn. He knew she'd undoubtedly already checked with the computer and ascertained that he was still awake, and knowing Kathryn, she wouldn't leave until he let her in. As though in reply to his thought, the chime sounded again. Might as well get it over with. "Come in."
She was in civvies. She'd obviously changed after Tom's double feature movie. He hadn't been able to bring himself to sit with her then, too ashamed of his actions. He knew he'd shaken her earlier in this awful event when he had handed Tuvok that phaser in the ready room.
"I figured it was either you or B'Elanna."
"Chakotay, it wasn't your fault." Trust Kathryn Janeway to skip all the preliminaries and head straight to the heart of the matter. She sat on the coffee table in front of him, taking the tea from him and setting it beside her. "I don't blame you."
"Well, maybe you should," he snapped back.
"Why? I know you've never had designs to take Voyager. If you had, you could have done it long ago, and would have, maybe even should have, over the Equinox."
His eyes flicked up to hers. It was uncanny how often their thoughts reflected each other's. "No, I've never wanted your ship, Kathryn, but…"
"But nothing, Chakotay. If I was going to blame anyone other than Teero, at the very least I should blame Tuvok, don't you think? After all, he was the conduit of this little escapade. Why would I blame you? With his stronger Vulcan physiology and having studied with a Vulcan master, even Tuvok had not been able to stop Teero's initial physical and mental assault, nor prevent that madman's schemes being unleashed here."
"Kathryn, I forced Tuvok to fire a phaser at you."
The pain in his voice was evident and she leaned forward to take his hands. She looked down for a moment. "That was a little unnerving," she acknowledged, "but as Tuvok said, it wasn't logical that you would hand him a live phaser since it was a test of his loyalty." She continued when he would have spoken. "And it's not logical for you to beat yourself up about something you had no control over."
He looked away and felt her hand on his chin directing his eyes back to hers. "It really isn't necessary," she said, "but for what it's worth, I forgive you." Her hand slid up to cup his cheek. "And now, you have to forgive yourself for merely being human."
She moved her hand slightly and very gently slapped his cheek.
"What's that for?" He knew Kathryn was full of contradictions but consoling him and hitting him at the same time seemed odd even for her.
"That's for beating up on my best friend. I want you stop that right now or I'll be forced to take even more drastic measures."
He was finally able to smile. "And what would those be?"
"I'll consult with Neelix to see if he's got any supplies of leola root still hiding somewhere and…"
He held up his hands in surrender. "I'll stop, I'll stop."
She grinned at him. "See? You are a smart guy, after all."
*****
Everyone knew that death was a constant possibility for them. The very nature of their jobs, and the volatile nature of this quadrant combined together to make it a reality that hovered at the back of all of their minds. Considering the hostility of so many of the natives of the Delta Quadrant, they'd managed to lose surprisingly few over the years. But it still hurt every time. And this one seemed to hurt worse than most.
Maybe it was the cold-blooded way it had happened. A deliberate, calculated murder. Maybe it was all the things they had survived together for nearly seven years, but one fact remained.
Joe Carey was dead.
Maybe it was the nature of Joe, a quiet man, a family man, still holding onto the hope of getting home to his wife and two sons. He'd been with Voyager from the beginning, surviving the initial pull into the DQ by the caretaker, surviving the Kazon, the Vidians, the Hirogen and everything else that had been thrown at them. He'd even survived B'Elanna in Engineering.
B'Elanna was taking this very hard. Not only because she'd lost a good friend and colleague, but also because she knew the only reason it had been Carey who was there and not her trying to retrieve Friendship One, was because she was pregnant and needed to avoid the strong radiation of the planet.
The whole of Voyager was grieving. It seemed like even the ship itself felt it, as the engines had been sluggish the last few days, perhaps missing the gentle touch of Lieutenant Carey.
In Joe's quarters, Chakotay sat behind Kathryn as she looked at the Lieutenant's miniature Voyager-in-a bottle. Just one nacelle to go, and it would have been complete. He watched her as she toyed with that final piece.
Something had changed between them in the last few weeks, and he wasn't sure what it was. Normally he would have pursued it, worked it out with her, but lately, he just didn't seem to have the energy any more. He felt tired right down to his very soul.
"The urge to explore is pretty powerful," he'd said just a moment ago.
"But it can't justify the loss of lives, whether it's millions, or just one." She reached out a finger and stroked the edge of the bottle.
It was an odd thing for the captain of a star ship to say, whose main purpose was to explore. He had no reply for her. She finally dropped the tiny nacelle back on the table and abruptly stood. "Just how the hell am I supposed to tell his wife and sons?"
There was nothing he could say. She briefly pressed one hand over her mouth and then let it fall to her side. He watched in almost horrified fascination, as once again, Kathryn was suppressed, and the captain's mask fell securely into place. She straightened her shoulders and strode out of Carey's quarters without a backward glance.
They should have been able to comfort each other, but instead they'd become like bookends. Still working together, but separated and facing away from each other.
He thought about Mrs. Carey and her two boys, not even knowing yet that her husband and father of her children was gone. He wondered if he'd ever have the chance to meet them. He wondered if he'd ever have the chance for his own wife and children.
He picked up the nacelle from the table. Kathryn had been holding it in her hand a long time, but it was surprising how quickly it had become cold.
*****
They were now hours away from Earth. Not years, not even weeks. Hours. Chakotay looked over at his captain while she talked with Admiral Paris. She'd pulled away from him even more over the last few days, distanced herself. While he knew it had been a hectic time and she'd been holed up with her older self for a good portion of it, he knew there was more than mere busyness to it. He figured the Admiral had told her some interesting tales. He could only hope he'd have the opportunity to straighten things out before insanity descended upon them all, as it surely would the moment they landed.
As soon as the link closed, the captain was heard quietly saying, "Thank you for your help, Admiral Janeway."
Chakotay didn't think he was out of line when his arms briefly encircled his captain in a congratulatory hug. "You did it, Captain." He bent his head close and whispered, "You both did it."
His arms dropped but he still stood close. She said nothing, but her eyes seemed to search his face. She glanced momentarily over his shoulder to where he knew Seven was standing. Again, she seemed to be looking for something in his face. Shifting her position so she was primarily blocked from view by his height, with a tiny head movement, she indicated in the direction of the former Borg.
So, he'd been correct. Admiral Janeway had talked to the captain. He wasn't going to miss even this small opportunity to fix things the way they should be, if there was any possibility left at all. His eyes locked with hers and he made an equally almost imperceptible negative movement with his head.
There was only a moment, but he was sure he'd seen her expression lighten before the call from the Doctor came through. The delight of the arrival of the newest member of Voyager swept through the bridge, adding to the already barely suppressed excitement.
Janeway's smile was brilliant. "You'd better get down there, Tom."
The young man was misty eyed. "Yes Ma'am."
As he rose from the con, she stepped forward to briefly hug him. A reclamation project that had turned out even better than she'd hoped. "Congratulations, Daddy. Hug B'Elanna for me."
After Tom managed to wade through the rest of the hugs and handshakes and reach the turbolift, the captain turned to her first officer. "Mr. Chakotay," she waved at the empty con, "the helm."
When she reached out and touched his shoulder as she had so many times over the last seven years, and smiled that beautiful crooked smile that he loved so well, he couldn't help grinning back. Maybe, just maybe things were going to be okay after all.
The next few hours saw everyone scurrying. Repairs taking place, logs being organized and readied, and although shift ended, nobody left the bridge. An escort of ships had been picked up one by one en route, each with flashing lights of welcome. Just before it was time to contact HQ, the bridge doors opened and Lieutenant Paris stepped through.
"Tom!" the captain exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Did you really think B'Elanna would allow Chakotay to handle landing Voyager with his record of shuttle crashes? She said, quote, 'I want my baby to have a chance to grow old,' unquote." He grinned at the commander. "Sorry, Chakotay, no disrespect meant, but she told me to tell you to get your mitts off the con and let a real pilot land this thing. Besides, she wants to see the both of you. I think she's got a little seven pound something she wants you to admire."
It was too wonderful a day to take offence at anything. Chakotay stood up to let Tom take over. "Well, Captain, shall we?"
She smiled. "Indeed we shall. Let's play hooky for a little while, Chakotay, before all hell breaks loose around here."
Harry piped up. "I thought that already happened, Captain."
She looked up at her young ops officer. Such a difference from the green ensign who joined her staff seven years ago. If she had her way once they touched down, he'd be promoted directly to full Lieutenant, and totally skip the junior grade level. "Mr. Kim, believe me, what we saw with the Borg will seem like a picnic compared to the brouhaha that'll face us the moment we disembark. Mr. Tuvok," she looked at her oldest friend, grateful to Admiral Janeway for the healing that awaited Tuvok. "The bridge is yours. Come on, Chakotay, let's go see that new baby."
"Aye, Captain," both men replied.
Once the turbolift doors closed, silence descended for a few moments. "Computer, halt turbolift." The lift stilled at her command and she turned to him. "How long, Chakotay?"
He almost smiled. "You don't beat around the bush, do you, Kathryn?"
"I've found it to be a waste of time over the years." She was waiting, almost holding her breath.
"Since the day after the Admiral arrived."
"Really?" She was shocked. "Her choice, or yours?"
"Hers. But I totally agreed."
She hardly knew what to say. "Why? And why then?"
He looked down for a moment marshalling his thoughts. There weren't many times when one had the opportunity to hold their future in their hands, and he had a feeling this was one of them. "When the Admiral arrived and we found out about the transwarp hub, Seven said that she could see only three possibilities before us. We would all be assimilated, or destroyed or," he paused, "we would shortly get to Earth. Since there were now two Janeways on board, she believed it would be the third one." He looked up again. "She has that much faith in you, Kathryn."
It was Kathryn's turn to look down. Her voice was huskier than usual. "That answers why now, but why the break up? The admiral said…" It had been a slip of the tongue and she stopped herself quickly.
He wanted to ask, but knew she wouldn't say anything more. No wonder she had started to distance herself. "Seven said it was logical to assume that everything would be different when we reached Earth. She also said," he paused, searching her face as she had done to him earlier. "She said she didn't want to be anyone's second choice for her first serious relationship."
Kathryn's eyes flew up to meet Chakotay's and saw all the things she'd despaired of ever seeing directed at her again. "And was she right?" she whispered.
"Yes, she was," he whispered back. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. Somehow, I don't know, after Quarren, and then Joe's death, I just lost hope."
She nodded slowly. "Feeling your mortality. I can certainly understand that." Boy, could she ever. She slowly reached for his hand and he met hers with his. It looked like a handshake, but it was so much more than that. She looked at him a little slyly. "I guess that means that you've been," she paused, "let down by yet another long-haired blond."
He was losing the battle of trying to keep his expression neutral. They both remembered Riley Fraser, and although they didn't remember Kellin, his was not the only handwritten report in existence. Both Tuvok and Kathryn had had the same idea, plus Kathryn had actually done a sketch of Kellin. "I guess you could say that."
"Maybe now that we're home you might think of trying a different color."
Chakotay's breath was short. He swallowed. "Did you have a specific suggestion, Captain?"
Her smile was beautiful, and it warmed him. "Actually, Commander, I do. Computer, resume lift." As the lift recommenced, she continued. "You've never been to Indiana, have you?"
This seemed like a change of topic, but he had a feeling it was going somewhere. "No, I haven't."
The doors opened, they exited and began walking down the hallway. "Well, I was wondering if you'd consider accompanying me there whenever we get through," she waved her hand, "whatever it is we're going to have to get through."
It didn't take much consideration at all. "As long as I don't wind up with a permanent address in New Zealand, I'd like that very much."
She took his hand again outside of Sickbay's doors, stopping him. "There's no way in hell I'm going to allow that to happen, Chakotay. Neither you nor any of the Maquis are going to prison, and that's final." She thought back over the last seven years. No matter what lay in store for them, no matter what more was about to be added to their relationship, they had become friends first and would always be so.
Glancing around the hallway for a moment, Chakotay lifted their hands and kissed the back of hers. "If anyone can change the future, Kathryn, I'm sure it's you."
The End
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