Ratings and disclaimers: See Part 1
When Chakotay left his room the following morning, he spotted Tom casting a line at the end of the dock and B'Elanna sitting in the living room with Miral asleep in her lap.
"Hey," he greeted her.
"Hey, yourself. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thanks. You?"
"Sure. Until about two. And then to about four. And then to about…"
"I get the picture." He shook his head, "Well, you know what they say - no rest for the wicked."
"You're not funny, you know that? There's coffee if you're interested."
He got a cup and then settled himself in a chair near her. He cocked his head to listen. "No sign of Kathryn yet?" It still felt a little odd to use her first name before other crewmembers.
"Not yet." B'Elanna looked at him intently. "What happened, Chakotay? Did she have a meltdown?"
"A little one, yes," he admitted. He knew she and Tom cared deeply for Kathryn as well, so he told her of the meeting with the Carey family.
B'Elanna had been close to Carey, and his cold-blooded murder had hit her hard. She shook her head. "I'm not surprised. She's been so busy taking care of the Maquis, the Doctor, Seven and Icheb, the Equinox crew, the families, plus dealing with the death of her older self, she must be physically and emotionally wiped. She's been through a hell of a lot, and as much as she's an amazing human being, she is just a human being."
He nodded back at her. It was what Chakotay had been trying to convince Kathryn of for seven years. "I really appreciate that you and Tom agreed to this at such short notice."
B'Elanna snorted. "You welcome, but do you really think either of us minded getting away from that insanity for a break? This is good for us too, you know." She looked out the window toward the dock. "Tom's had a lot of pressure on him coming back home as the former black sheep of the family."
"How are you both adjusting?" he asked.
"Okay, so far. Actually, the Paris's have been pretty sweet. Of course, the brownie points were multiplied exponentially by presenting them with a grandchild." The two friends smiled at each other.
"This has been very good for Kathryn, being with you two. You represent probably her greatest success on this voyage and Miral affirms to her that life does go on."
B'Elanna regarded him, "And you, Chakotay? What do you represent to her?"
He looked down for a moment and then replied with a slight smile, "I'm part of her future."
"Distant future?"
"Distant and immediate future."
"I hope so for both your sakes, especially yours, Chakotay. I want to see my oldest friend truly happy."
"Who are you calling old, you young whippersnapper?"
"Not old as in age. Old as in long time. Getting a little overly sensitive, there, Chak?"
"Watch your mouth, kid."
"Of course, if the shoe fits. You do also happen to be my 'oldest' friend as well."
"Shows how many friends you have, smart aleck."
"Takes one to know one."
"Sure your bantering skills are up to the test?"
"I've learned from the best."
"You've been hanging out with that Tom Paris guy too much. Look what it got you."
She looked down at Miral with a tender smile. "Yeah, look what it got me. Speaking of that Tom Paris guy, I'd like to do a little more hanging out while all is quiet." She pushed herself to her feet and brought Miral to him. "You quickly learn as a new parent to catch your moments where you can. Do you mind taking her, Chakotay? She's been fed and had her diaper changed, so she should sleep for some time. I'd really like to join my husband for cup of coffee on the dock."
"No problem. I've babysat many nieces and nephews in my day."
"Okay, here you go." She settled the infant in his arm. "Just holler if you need rescuing, old man."
"Smart-mouthed kid."
She left with a cup of coffee in each hand and a smirk on her face. B'Elanna knew that the sight of a man comfortably holding a sleeping baby was one of the hardest for any woman to resist and she had heard some stirrings in Kathryn's room. She grinned as a certain Borg phrase came to mind: Resistance is futile.
It was true. When Kathryn entered the living room a short time later, the sight that greeted her was like a phaser shot. Chakotay sat casually with one ankle crossed over his knee, the still sleeping Miral tucked into one elbow at his side while he read from a PADD in his other hand. He hadn't heard her so she took the opportunity to observe him. He looked contented, relaxed and at ease with himself and the situation. As well as outrageously handsome. He must have sensed her presence because he looked up and then smiled at her. She sucked in a breath. If the first phaser shot had been on stun, the second one from that smile was definitely on kill. Too much, and she hadn't even had any fortifying coffee yet.
"Good morning," she said quietly for the baby's sake.
"Good morning to you, sleepyhead." There were still shadows under her eyes, but she looked rested, and that pleased him. "Feeling better?"
"Yes, much, thanks," she smiled back. "Where are the parents?"
"Enjoying a few moments of coffee and quiet on the dock."
"Ah. Speaking of coffee, I'll be right back."
"She did very well. She carried on an intelligent conversation for almost sixty seconds before heading for the coffee pot," Chakotay murmured to the sleeping Miral as Kathryn disappeared into the kitchen. "I heard that," she sang back at him. When she returned with a steaming mug, she sat across from him in a big easy chair and tucked her feet in. They were bare, and he somehow found that very endearing. Here was the toughest captain in the DQ looking not much more than a teenager in her blue jeans, simple fitted blue shirt, face bare of makeup and hair in a short ponytail. One piece had slipped from behind her ear to curve around her cheek and he itched to tuck it back.
"What are you reading?"
"Huh?" Her question drew him back from his musings. "Oh. 'Mutiny on the Bounty'."
Her eyebrows shot up. "You're kidding, right?" At his grin and negative headshake, "You're not kidding. I see. Doing research for your next voyage, Commander?"
"No thank you. I just got a pardon from Starfleet and the Federation, plus I think I've had quite enough adventure on the high seas, or in our case, the high skies, to last me for a while." He smiled as he said this, but she knew he was serious.
"Does that mean no Starfleet or just no flying?" They'd had little opportunity to discuss any future plans in the flurry of activity since arriving in the Alpha Quadrant.
He looked thoughtfully at Miral as though the answers might be there. "I don't know. I have started thinking, but I need time. Whatever I do will depend."
"On?" She was holding her breath.
"You." Their eyes locked and the air suddenly seemed charged. His bold response caused a little spring of happiness to well up in Kathryn. Miral chose that moment to wiggle and sigh. Both their attentions snapped to the baby, but she settled.
Chakotay put down the PADD and tucked an edge of the blanket in around her. "I was telling Miral Kathryn here that she's named after two very strong and brave, albeit stubborn women."
"To say nothing of her own mother." Kathryn laid aside her now empty mug and scooted across the floor on all fours until she was leaning against the side of the chair, peering into the baby's face. She didn't seem to notice that she was also half leaning against Chakotay's thigh, but he did. He looked at her rapt expression.
"I wonder what life will bring her way," she mused. "Her journey is just beginning."
"Sunshine and rain. Joy and sorrow. Good times and bad. Just like any and every life," he replied.
"Hopefully weighing in on the scales more heavily on the former than the latter."
Chakotay continued studying her face. Still so beautiful in spite of all that had come her way, especially the last seven years. He gave into his desire and moved his hand to tuck back that stray piece of hair, only to watch it promptly slide back to its original position. Stubborn, just like its owner.
She felt his light touch and looked up, realizing how close their faces were. She was suddenly aware of her position half against his thigh but felt disinclined to move. Her focus moved up a bit and she slowly raised a finger and stroked one line of his tattoo on his forehead, then lowered her hand.
"Don't stop." His deep voice was a breath on her cheek.
Her eyes flicked back to his and then her finger slowly returned to trace the rest of the blue lines. His skin was warm. As she lowered her hand it stroked along his cheek to his jaw before dropping to lightly caress along the side of the baby's face in the same fashion.
As her eyes returned to his, Chakotay's breath stopped. The connection between the two gestures was unmistakable.
When Tom and B'Elanna entered the cottage, they found Chakotay and the baby still in the chair. Kathryn sat propped on one of the chair's arms with her arm resting along the back of the chair and Chakotay's shoulders, while his free arm was around her waist helping to balance her. Kathryn's other hand held the PADD of the old novel in a position so that they could both read from it. Tom and B'Elanna exchanged glances, hers decidedly of an "I-told-you-so" nature.
The rest of the day spent with the new family was the rejuvenation that Kathryn needed, such that upon return to HQ, she was able to sail through the final stages of the debriefings. There were more meetings with family members of those lost, and although there were tears each time, it didn't shatter her. However, because of the thirty-six hour break, it meant that debriefings did not finish for them until noon on the Saturday of the celebration ball, which left her little time to prepare.
They had agreed that Chakotay would walk the short distance from his assigned quarters to her V.I.P. guest quarters to be met there by their driver. Chakotay arrived promptly on time, but Kathryn was running late. She called a hurried, "Come in," from her bedroom, and came flying out as he entered. "I'm sorry, Chakotay," she bustled breathlessly. She was struggling to put a pearl earring in. "I couldn't find one of my shoes and had to replicate another one, and then my earrings had walked away somewhere and I spilled toothpaste on my dress, oh, and thank you for the roses, they're beautiful, I…" She stopped abruptly, realizing that he was silently standing frozen just inside the doorway with an odd expression on his face. "Chakotay, what is it? What's wrong?"
Chakotay took a deep breath and tried to shake off the paralysis that had enveloped him at the sight of her. Such a far cry from the strong military captain, or the broken woman of a few days ago or even the casual "teenager" of the cottage. Her hair was elegantly pinned up with small wisps falling softly around her face. She wore a ball gown of navy blue satin that was strapless on one side and had a flat triangular shaped strap over the other shoulder. The dress fell in a long sleek line to her ankles, flaring just enough to allow for ease of movement. A single strand of pearls nestled at the base her throat. She was exquisite.
He took in her concerned expression so he opened his mouth to speak, only to find his mouth dry. He swallowed and tried again. "Kathryn," he finally managed, "you take my breath away."
She smiled almost shyly. "You clean up pretty good yourself, Commander." He was in full traditional tux of black pants and jacket with a brilliantly white pleated shirt and white bow tie.
"Just give me another minute, Chakotay. I need to put my lipstick on and then I'll be ready." She turned, intending to return to her bedroom.
"Kathryn, before you do that..."
She looked quizzically over her shoulder at him.
He knew what he wanted, so he took a breath and plunged in, "I want, that is, - permission to kiss the captain?"
He watched as those blue eyes that had held him captive since first seeing them on his viewscreen seven years ago grew round and her lips parted with surprise. As she turned more fully to face him, his heart lurched momentarily as she slowly shook her head negatively until she whispered, "No. Not the captain, but Kathryn."
From that point, time moved in slow motion. When he stood in front of her, he was so close that all he had to do was lift his hand to touch her. He felt the cool of the satin become warm from the heat of her body as he put his hand on her waist. Kathryn rested one hand against lapel of his jacket before slowly sliding it up around his neck. She arched her neck up as he lowered his head to her.
It was everything he hadn't been able to do that night in her quarters on Voyager. The light, tentative touches, learning the texture of each other, slowly, so slowly increasing in pressure. It was languid, savoring, each knowing there could only ever be one first time, one first real kiss. This was not a kiss to breathe life into one who was drowning, not the kiss of a rescuer, but now, this time, definitely, undeniably, a lover's kiss. When she raised both arms around his neck, he did what he had wanted to do that night and wrapped his arms around her, one hand going to the small of her back, the other sliding up her spine to the nape of her neck, and then he pressed her against his body. A soft moan - his? Hers? As her mouth opened against his, he allowed that which he had forbidden himself then, and slipped his tongue inside. A shudder rippled through her.
Breathing accelerated, hands pressed, lips and tongues softly explored. They kissed like there was no hurry, like there was no driver arriving in a few minutes, no ballroom full of friends with family and Starfleet hierarchy awaiting them. The desire spiraled upwards as seven years of starving hunger began to be fed. Mouths separated just enough to change angles before coming together again on breathless sighs.
Long minutes passed before their kisses slowed and they stood pressed together, jaw to temple as they fought to regain control of ragged breathing. It had been soul shattering.
Kathryn was shaking as they continued to hold one another close. Somehow she'd known that kissing Chakotay would be nothing short of overwhelming and now she knew the reality was even more powerful than she'd imagined. She wanted more, but an excited touch of fear shivered through her. If kissing him was this devastating, how would she even remain conscious if they made love?
Something of the same must have been in his mind, for his hands slid back to her waist to ease her away from him a couple of inches. His eyes remained closed for another moment before opening to reveal the depth of his longing and his struggle for control. "Kathryn," his voice was husky. He swallowed and slowly tried again. "Kathryn, I think maybe you'd better go put your lipstick on now."
As if on cue, the door chime sounded, announcing the arrival of their chauffeur. "Saved by the bell," he murmured.
We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
Upon arriving at the ballroom, they separated and circulated, greeting crew and Starfleet brass. It was an evening of high gloss and glitter as Starfleet paraded its pomp and finery. There had been little occasion for doing so during the last few years of war, so Starfleet was taking full advantage of the opportunity. Tuvok and his dignified, elegant wife T'Pel were there, as were a beautifully gowned, although slightly uncertain looking Seven and her escort, the Doctor.
Across the room, Chakotay saw Kathryn conversing with Harry, his date Megan, and B'Elanna who looked amazing in her red formal considering she'd just given birth two weeks earlier. Wondering where Tom was, he scanned the room, and spied the younger man behind the head table. As he watched curiously, he saw Tom scrutinize the name placings and then surreptitiously swap several of them. As he nonchalantly sauntered away, Chakotay sidled up behind him.
"Lieutenant, report," he commanded in a quasi-serious tone.
He was satisfied to see Tom jump and straighten up until he turned to see who was addressing him.
"Geez, Chakotay, you trying to cause me to have an accident here, or what?"
"What were you up to over there, Paris?"
"Preventing another war, or at the very least, death by boredom."
Chakotay quirked an eyebrow at him. "Explain."
"Well, when I saw that the captain, that is, Kathryn, had been seated between my dad and Admiral Holding…"
"Holding! Spirits!" Chakotay knew the man had a reputation of trying to live up to his name.
" - and B'E was on the other side of Holding…"
"I see what you mean about war."
" - and you and I were seated on either side of Necheyev…"
Chakotay groaned.
" - well, I just figured once again, the future needed a little changing."
"Good work, Tom. I see you didn't forget all your Maquis instincts."
"Hell, Chakotay, that was pure Starfleet. You forget I'm a true 'Fleet brat. I know how these shindigs are run, which was why I went and checked the seating arrangements in the first place. I'm not sure which would have made B'Elanna madder, her sitting beside Holding or me sitting beside Necheyev."
The two men laughed together.
"What are you two carrying on about?" They turned to see B'Elanna and Kathryn coming up behind them.
After Chakotay filled the two women in on Tom's actions, B'Elanna was fuming and Kathryn was shaking her head. "Tom, you are a wonder. Thank you for rescuing us all. Excuse me, B'Elanna, but he deserves this." She reached up and kissed an astonished Tom on the cheek.
"You're right. He does." And his wife planted a kiss on his other cheek.
Tom was actually blushing but managed to recover with, "Wow, tonight must be my lucky night. A kiss from two beautiful women."
"Well, don't expect anything from me," quipped Chakotay. "By the way, where is everybody seated now?"
"Harry and Megan start the row off, then my dad, Kathryn and you, next is B'E, then me, then Seven and the Doctor, T'Pel and Tuvok, then Admirals Necheyev and Holding safely at the end of the row."
"Necheyev between Tuvok and Holding! That should for make for some interesting conversation," Kathryn observed.
"Well, I'm sure that old goat Holding won't have any trouble keeping his hands to himself in that spot," B'Elanna smirked. Another thought came to her, and she started to laugh.
The other three turned to her, "What?"
It took her a few seconds to regain control. "Kahless, knowing how Necheyev despises Kathryn, can you imagine if Admiral Janeway had made it back with us?"
Tom joined his wife laughing, but Chakotay looked anxiously at Kathryn to gauge her reaction. He was relieved to see her chortling along with them. In fact she added to the laughter with her comment, "Meow! What a hissy fit that would have been! There would have been fur flying everywhere." Kathryn looked around for a moment, "Speaking of another of Necheyev's fans, you didn't mention your mother at the head table, Tom. Where is she?"
Tom grinned, "Taking advantage of the excuse of a new granddaughter to avoid one more Starfleet dinner. Although the reason for this one is pretty unique, all the same, Mom's probably attended a couple of thousand of these sort of functions during Dad's career."
A bell sounded to indicate it was time to be seated for dinner. As they began to move across the floor, Tom pulled them all back for a moment. "Have you all heard the latest? The Doctor has finally picked a name."
"Really! What did he chose?"
"Joe Smith."
They all roared with laughter that seven years of angst and debate had produced a final decision of Joe Smith. They had all expected something much more exotic from the flamboyant doctor.
During the inevitable post dinner speeches, Kathryn was called upon to speak. Chakotay saw her barely control her grimace, and squeezed her hand under the table for support. As she took her place behind the microphone, it was with embarrassed surprise that she saw her entire crew stand to their feet and applaud. Chakotay watched her struggle for control, seeing the glimmer of tears. She bit the corner of her lip and looked down for a few moments as the applause went on and on. Finally she spoke into the microphone.
"Thank you, all of you, but sit down. That's an order." They all laughed and obediently took their seats.
"This is a tremendous evening for everything that it represents. The love and support of a family of nearly one hundred and fifty people, the efforts of everyone and the supreme sacrifices of so many who never got to see this day. We would not be here without each one of them." She looked out at the sea of faces so dear to her.
"There are many names I could and should mention here tonight, so many that we'd be here all night, so I'm sure you're relieved that I'm only going to mention one. Someone who has become an honorary crewmember of Voyager, without whom the trip would have been much harder and lonelier. I give you, Lieutenant Reginald Barclay." Once again, the crew of Voyager rose to their feet in acknowledgement of the extraordinary efforts of a now blushing Lieutenant Barclay.
When everyone settled again, Kathryn continued. "So many adventures, battles, and so many wonderful people who went out of their way and gave so much to assist us on our journey." She shrugged a little ruefully, "Of course there were just a few we could have done without meeting, but who's counting?" Laughter sounded throughout the room. "It's been my honor to serve with the most incredibly loyal, resourceful crew imaginable. We've lived through so much together, shared so much, so many hardships and so many wonderful, happy memories that it's hard to believe there's more awaiting each of us, but it's true, there is. More sunshine and rain, more joy and sorrow, more good and bad, more to each of our journeys." She looked straight at Chakotay and saw in his answering smile that he recognized the words.
"I would like to propose a toast. Commander, one last duty for you - would you mind bringing me my glass, please?" There was light laughter when Chakotay bowed formally as he handed the champagne flute to her. "I ask you to rise and toast with me, the crew of Voyager and the future."
The formal section was concluded shortly thereafter, and the stewards cleared tables as the band began to set up. When the dancing commenced, the captain and the commander were invited to lead off, but at their encouragement, were joined by their senior staff. After that, everyone intermingled, changing partners regularly. Even Tuvok took a brief turn on the floor, surprising Kathryn by proving to be an able partner.
"You are well, Captain?"
"It's just Kathryn, now, Tuvok, but yes, thank you, I am. More importantly, are you?"
"Yes. My wife and family thank you. It is the desire of us all that you would join us on Vulcan for a visit at your convenience."
"I'd be honored. I've always enjoyed time with you and T'Pel. I'm sure we can arrange something."
"Perhaps the commander would care to join us as well?"
Kathryn scrutinized his face, and had she not known him as well as she did, it would have appeared impassive. But she knew that she also saw acceptance and even approval there. "He may, but you'll have to ask him yourself."
"I shall." After a few moments he added, "It is a time of new beginnings, is it not…Kathryn?"
She smiled brightly at him. In all their years of friendship she could not recall him ever using her name. "Indeed it is, Tuvok."
Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
Wonderful journey
When the newly promoted Lieutenant Kim led her out to the floor for a dance, Janeway couldn't help teasing him a little. "So Lieutenant," she leaned a little on the title, and he grinned, "tell me what's happening with you and Ms Delaney?" She had to stop herself from laughing at the sight of his blush. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Chakotay dancing with a thrilled Naomi Wildman.
Harry was a little surprised, but realized he shouldn't have been. There didn't seem to be much that missed his former captain's attention. "Well, uh, actually, I was going to ask Megan to marry me while we were still on Voyager, but what with the Admiral showing up and everything else, well, we were all a little busy, so, I, uh…" He knew he was rambling and wished he didn't still feel like a kid around her.
"Harry! That's wonderful! Have you asked her since we've been back?" At his happy nod, she continued. "And? Did she say 'yes'? What am I saying? She's a bright girl, of course she said 'yes.' Am I right?" His huge grin said it all.
Kathryn delighted the young man by stopping in the middle of the dance floor to hug him. "Harry, I'm so happy for you. Have you set a date?"
"Actually, we wanted to talk to you." At her questioning look, he continued. "I don't think Megan will mind me asking you now. We're hoping you'll marry us."
"Oh, Harry. I would love to. Let me know what you both decide and I'll be there."
Part way through the evening, Chakotay and Kathryn found themselves standing together off to the side of the dance floor. Without a word, they linked arms and headed out a set of double doors to one of the balconies.
"Much cooler out here."
"You're not cold, are you? You can have my jacket if you like."
"No thanks. I'm fine so far. It's a relief, actually."
"Yes, it is pretty warm in there."
They stood close together leaning against the balcony wall looking down at the gardens. "Did you hear Boothby died?" she asked.
"Yes. Just a little while ago, wasn't it? I thought he was going to live forever," he replied.
"I'm sure he did too."
"Funny to think that the last time I spoke to him was in my vision when he was my boxing coach."
Kathryn grinned at him. "Well, the last time I spoke to 'Boothby,' it was really an over-sized grasshopper."
He laughed. "Well, how do you think I feel? The last time I was in 'San Francisco,' I was on a date with one of those over-sized grasshoppers."
"Ah, yes. You and your string of Delta Quadrant babes." She continued in spite of his sputtering. "There was the aforementioned giant grasshopper, the Borg bitch…"
"Kathryn…"
" - the bounty hunter…I'm sure I've missed some. Oh, let's not forget the Cardassian. That little dalliance cost me some hair while you struggled to start a fire."
Chakotay turned his body to face her and laughed. "Seska doesn't truly qualify in that list. She didn't originate in the Delta quadrant. And about your hair, what are you complaining about? You cut it all off later on."
"I didn't cut it ALL off, Chakotay," she corrected mildly, "just shorter."
"May as well have been all. But then, no matter how well I thought I knew you, you always did have the ability to surprise me."
"Chakotay, I didn't know you cared about my hairstyles. Besides, it's grown out a lot now. But that's right, all your women had long hair didn't they?"
He wore an enigmatic look. "Not all. But, back to Boothby, the gardener…"
"Nice dodge, Commander."
He nodded to acknowledge her compliment and continued without a break. " - isn't there an old phrase, 'those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones'?"
She turned to face him now. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, how about your friendly telepath murderer?"
"That was just a kiss to convince him…"
" - or you shacking up with that guy on Quarra after knowing him for what, a week or so?"
"I was brainwashed into it."
" - or Tom?"
"That wasn't Tom! We were both lizards and neither of us even remem…"
" - or how about your hologram?"
"At least I could end the program when he talked too much," she mock glared at his grinning face. After a moment of quiet, she sighed, "You're right. The Delta Quadrant was definitely hard on romance."
"It must have been just us. Tom and B'Elanna did okay. And then there's Harry and Megan." He leaned his elbow on the railing, which brought his face to her level. He looked over at the trees and bushes below. "Do you think now that we're back in the Alpha Quadrant our luck might change?"
She studied his face in the moonlight, seeing what the last seven years had cost him, knowing those changes were evident in her as well. He turned back to her as she whispered, "I'm counting on it." Her eyes dropped to his lips and she leaned forward. A moment of uncertainty caused her to hesitate and her eyes flicked up to his.
The look she saw there reassured her and he slowly closed the gap to brush his lips over hers. It was just the barest of touches, over and over. Her upper lip, then the lower, both, and the corners. He drew back slowly. Even that little bit had quickened both of their breathing.
"Consider that a down payment," he murmured. "I don't want to mess your lipstick what with all the big brass hanging out right next door." He indicated with his head back inside the ballroom where they could hear the music continuing.
"There's so much brass in that room I'm surprised the floor can sustain the weight."
He grinned at her response and then it was totally wiped out in amazement at her next statement.
"I love you, Chakotay."
The sudden cascade of emotions roared through him like a flash flood. Shock, delight, overwhelming relief, joy, along with a sizeable jolt of arousal. So like Kathryn Janeway. Change directions on the run, take no prisoners, lay it all on the line. Just, out there. She was truly the bravest woman he'd ever known. He couldn't stop his smile or the sting of tears. "And I have always loved you, Kathryn. Even when I didn't want to. Even when I tried not to." He saw the sheen of tears in her eyes.
"I certainly gave you lots of reasons not to," she whispered.
He took the hand that rested on the railing near his and kissed the back of it. Then he turned their hands and brushed a kiss against the inside of her wrist. He relished the slight intake of breath from her. He stroked his thumb over hers, studying their hands for a moment, hers small, soft and white, his larger, callused and darker in tone. He took a breath. May as well be right "out there" too.
"Kathryn…"
"Chakotay…"
They had both spoken at the same time. He smiled. "You first."
Kathryn shook her head, declining quietly. "I've been telling people what I want almost everyday for seven years. What did you want to say?"
He looked down at their joined hands again for a moment. As he watched, she turned her hand to lace her fingers through his and his eyes flew up to meet hers, recognizing the deliberate replay of the gesture from so long ago.
"Kathryn, will you stay with me tonight?"
He saw a small smile touch her lips as she glanced away for a second. "I was going to tell you that…" She paused before returning her eyes to lock with his, "that I want to be with you tonight."
He expelled a sigh of relief, only then realizing he had been holding his breath. He brought his other hand up to her waist and drew her body close to his. Foreheads together, they stayed close, quiet, savoring the newness, the release in their mutual acknowledgment. As he turned his head to brush his lips against her cheek, she pulled back and swore.
"Damn."
He quirked his eyebrow at her in a good Tuvok imitation. "You know, Kathryn, a man could quickly develop a terminal case of insecurity when the woman he's just told he loves curses at him when he tries to kiss her."
"I'm sorry. It's just that I remembered we agreed to go to Indiana tomorrow. So, whether I'm with you tonight, or you're with me, one of us…"
"- is stuck with eveningwear in the morning," he completed her thought. "I have an idea how to fix that." He looked to the side just as the doors burst open to release a few more people to the balcony. "But first, I believe we have a ball to finish. Shall we, Captain?" He extended his arm to her with a smile.
I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart
Chakotay looked over to the passenger seat of the hovercraft he was driving, to where Kathryn reclined, eyes closed. Since he had never been to Indiana, she had suggested they transport into a more distant station than necessary and drive the rest of the way so he could see some sights. But no sooner had she got him settled with directions, than she had leaned her head back and dozed off.
He smiled ruefully at sight of the scarf around her neck. He had discovered to his chagrin, that not only was her throat very sensitive, but that her pale Irish skin marked very easily in spite of how careful he had tried to be with her. Considering who they were going to visit, he actually wished for the EMH who would have been able to quickly take care of those tell-tale bruises with a dermal regenerator, albeit undoubtedly with a few snide remarks thrown in for good measure.
Memories of last night rose like a heat wave in his mind. So many firsts. The first time of undoing her hair and running his fingers through it. The first time of sliding his thumbs along the delicate line of her collarbones as his fingers dipped under the straps of her nightgown, watching it shimmer like a falling curtain. The paradox of gliding his hand over taut, trim muscle that was sheathed in satiny soft skin. The unexpected delight of realizing the pleasure it gave her to simply look at and touch him. The first time of looking down at her flushed face beneath his, feeling the long length of skin against skin. The first time of feeling her small hands tugging at him, urging him on. The joy of hearing her breath quickening along with his, and the first time of hearing her cry of completion, the sense of triumph it gave him, knowing he had given that to her. That first realization that the small niggling pain in his soul was gone, that he was whole and unified as never before, that she had given that to him. And best of all, waking for the first time to discover that this time, it wasn't a dream, that she was still there in his arms, and then to start all over again.
He heard her shift in her seat.
"That was quite the move you made last night, Commander."
He glanced at her to see that although she was obviously awake, her eyes were still closed. She raised a hand to brush her hair back. "And specifically which move would you be referring to, Captain?"
She finally opened her eyes and swatted him at the sight of his smug expression. "Just stop, you peacock, you."
"Hey, watch it. Remember, I'm driving."
"Right. We wouldn't want your reputation with shuttles to expand to include hovercraft, now would we?"
"Play nice, Kathryn. Back to the question, which move would you be referring to?"
"I meant ducking our inquisitive chauffeur last night."
"Ah, that move. Well, when I saw the nod our driver gave one of the press still lingering around outside the ballroom, I had a feeling that a little collusion was taking place. Dropping my captain off at her quarters with a formal, protocol-correct good night and then having the driver deliver me to mine took care of the nosy press as well as the little problem you'd mentioned earlier on. I'd already walked over to your quarters once that evening; it was certainly no hardship to do it again." They exchanged slow smiles remembering what had followed when he'd arrived back at her quarters. The interval had given her a chance for a bath and a change into a new silk nightgown, one of her first purchases back in the Alpha Quadrant.
"The rewards were worth the extra effort, were they?"
"Fishing for a compliment, Captain?" he teased. "Yes, I'd say definitely worth the extra effort. In fact, I would travel a whole quadrant or two to get to you." They had reached an intersection so he reached over to stroke her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "I don't think I told you though, that driver was no fool. He was still sitting across the road a little down the street ten minutes later after I'd had my shower. It wasn't until I put my light out that he left. I had to pack my bag in the dark.
She stretched in her seat. "Must have been a former Maquis."
"That was a nice little addition you made to the equation yourself just as you got out of the vehicle."
"You mean about suggesting we get together in a couple of weeks for a game of hoverball like a couple of old buds."
"M-hmm." His glance took in her arching back as she stretched again and ran her fingers through her hair.
She grinned up at him as she placed her hand on his shoulder, but unlike on Voyager, she let it remain there. He wondered if she knew what it did to him every time she did that. "And then you asked him whether people still play hoverball on Earth anymore."
"Just wanted to make sure he was paying attention."
A comfortable quiet lay between them as they traveled along for a few minutes.
"Chakotay?"
"Yes, love?"
She liked the sound of that. "Just for the record, your other moves were pretty impressive too."
"Katie, honey, it's so good to have you back home." Chakotay looked on as Kathryn was enveloped in a hug like no other, that of her mother. "Come in, Commander. It's a pleasure to see you again." Mrs. Janeway unwrapped her daughter long enough to extend her hand to Chakotay.
"Thank you, Mrs. Janeway. It's nice to see you again, too. And it's Chakotay."
"Fine. Just Gretchen will do here. 'Mrs. Janeway' makes me feel old." Chakotay smiled down at the small woman with mostly gray hair. Kathryn had obviously inherited her small stature and bright blue eyes from her mother, whose mouth was currently hanging open. She looked back at her daughter still in the circle of her arm.
"Kathryn Marie Janeway!"
"What!" Kathryn looked at her mother with startled eyes. She only ever heard her full name when she was in trouble, and here she'd just walked in the door after a seven-year absence. How could she be in trouble that fast?
"I never took you for a fool before."
"Mom?" Kathryn just looked at her mother with greater confusion, who was again staring at Chakotay's smiling face.
"You were alone on that planet with this gorgeous man for, how long was it? And you did nothing? How did you resist that smile? Those dimples. Those shoulders. Those…"
"Mother!" Kathryn squawked.
Chakotay was laughing outright now, watching the now famous captain of Starfleet blushing and squirming like a six-year-old.
"God, I'm in the door for less than ten seconds and you're already embarrassing me! And how the heck did you know about New Earth? We only just finished debriefing!"
Gretchen airily brushed away her comments. "Oh, I still have connections, you know." She stepped over to Chakotay and linked her arm through his as she drew him further into the house. "I may be old, but I'm not dead. Speaking of which…" Her look became serious. She glanced around behind them back to the door.
"Expecting someone else with us, Mom?"
Gretchen looked from Kathryn to Chakotay and back with a slightly sad, rueful smile. "I guess it's true then, that your older self didn't make it."
Kathryn sighed and looked down for a moment, her emotions still at war over that issue. "So you know about that, too."
Gretchen gestured them to seats in the comfortable traditional-style living room. "Yes, dear. Like they say, sometimes it's not what you know but who you know, and as I said, I still have connections. Although, as sad as it is to consider her loss, it would have been more than a little odd to be chatting to my daughter who would have been older than me."
"Odd is a polite way to describe it. Think how I felt working with her."
"I'm surprised that silly, wicked Borg Queen didn't high-tail it back to the other side of the galaxy when faced with two Kathryn Janeways. What a stupid female. If she'd really known you, she would have realized that while one of you is formidable, two would be indomitable."
Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and smiled at the similarity of his words to her from a couple of weeks ago.
Gretchen caught the exchange with interest and turned to Chakotay. "And what did you think of the experience of two Kathryn Janeways around?"
"It reminded me of stories I'd heard about dealing with old fashioned nitroglycerin." He ignored Kathryn's quirked eyebrow. "Equal potential for volatile danger or power." He carefully didn't look toward Kathryn but heard her indelicate snort.
"And you, my dear? Did you have any trouble accepting the admiral as you?"
"When she said she had given up coffee, I was sure she was an imposter until her DNA was confirmed. Even the Doctor double scanned her."
Gretchen looked to Chakotay, "That reminds me, would you like coffee?"
"No, thank you. Tea, please?"
Gretchen glanced at him, startled. "You mean she hasn't converted you? How is that possible?"
He grinned. "It wasn't for lack of trying, believe me. Kathryn had, how many types of coffee was it?" he looked at her, "programmed into her replicator. She offered it to me just about every time we had dinner together, and just about every time I said…"
"Tea, please. Got it." Gretchen rose to go the kitchen. "You're a strong man to stand up to my daughter. She could persuade a horse to call himself a cow."
"Hey, what about me?"
"Oh, Kathryn, I know what you want. I've already heard that the terrors of the Delta Quadrant were unable to deliver you of your life-long obsession. Black coffee, right? Tell me something I don't know. Care to help me in the kitchen, Chakotay?"
"Certainly."
"By the way, Katie, dear," Gretchen looked over her shoulder before the swinging door, "nice scarf. You have your father to thank for that delicate Janeway skin."
"Mother!" Kathryn sputtered.
Chakotay chuckled as he bent to kiss her cheek as he walked by. "I'm sorry, love."
"You might try sounding a little more repentant," she grumbled at his retreating back.
Kathryn rose from her chair and wandered about the adjoining living and dining rooms of the house she had grown up in. While there were some new pictures of Phoebe and her family, many of the pictures she looked at, and every knick-knack she touched, held memories. She looked at the piano where her sister had labored with her scales and arpeggios, while she herself had sat at the big dining room table right there by the window that overlooked the back yard, working on various science projects. She closed her eyes and inhaled. Even the smell of the house was familiar. It spoke of years of security, laughter, joy, discipline and support. The sound of Chakotay's deep laughter in the kitchen awakened her from her reverie and she went to investigate.
"What tales are you embarrassing me with now, Mom?"
"Getting a little paranoid, are we, dear? What makes you think we were talking about you?" Gretchen quirked an eyebrow at her.
"Because you've told embarrassing stories about me to every male I've brought into this house since I was sixteen," she replied caustically.
"Actually, Kathryn, you mother was telling me an embarrassing story about your sister. You were off the hook." Chakotay told her.
"Only for the moment, dear daughter. You never did say how, and for that matter, why, you resisted this delightful man on that planet."
"Well, Mom, for one thing I was still engaged at that point."
"Ah, my Katie, always so loyal. Yet you were two whole years into your journey and facing a lifetime on that planet."
"But I truly expected that either Voyager or I would discover a cure at any time. Plus, I still regarded Chakotay as my first officer. Although…" she added slowly and then hesitated. She looked up at Chakotay, noting his stillness as he leaned against the kitchen counter. They had never really discussed their experiences on New Earth.
"Although…?" Gretchen prompted, closely watching both of their expressions.
Kathryn's eyes remained on Chakotay's. "Although, had Tuvok arrived a couple of days later…" She watched Chakotay's eyes grow bigger and his jaw slacken as he took in what she was saying.
"Are you serious, Kathryn?" His voice was deep and deceptively quiet. Her eyes remained locked with his and she just nodded once. The intensity in his gaze nearly stopped her breath.
He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "Damn that Vulcan." He looked at her again. "Although, you probably would have wanted to return to a protocol-correct relationship once back onboard, and that would've surely killed me."
"Oh, no," she shook her head at him. "If our relationship had progressed by that time, nothing and no one could have persuaded me to give you up." It seemed equally strange and yet not at all, to be talking about something like this in front of her own mother.
His expression was one of regret and he signed once more. "Damn that Vulcan."
Kathryn reached over and took his hand. "A very wise man recently told me it's a waste of time and energy regretting the past, the future is unknown, so you can only live in the present." He smiled at her words.
Gretchen noted the look that passed between the two and felt deep satisfaction on behalf of her daughter. The old fashioned kettle chose that moment to boil and she turned to it. Chakotay reached around her to pick it up and filled the waiting teapot. She said over her shoulder, "Let me guess, Chakotay. Kathryn blew every protocol straight out the airlock except the stupidest one of all, which was certainly never intended for a journey of seventy thousand light years. Am I right?"
He smiled gently as he looked at the face of the one he loved. "Something like that."
"I hope she was worth the wait."
"Mother!"
"Kathryn, you keep repeating yourself. Must be all that replicated food you insist on consuming."
Chakotay laughed out loud and tugged at one earlobe. "Well, Gretchen, I've always followed the adage, 'Never kiss and tell,' but I can safely assure you, my life has never been sweeter than it is right now."
Although she was gratified by Chakotay's words, Kathryn muttered, "What was that comment that Tuvok made when he got his promotion? Something about ritual humiliation, I seem to recall."
Gretchen set the teapot on a tray with two empty mugs and another mug of coffee. "Well, dearest oldest daughter, you'd best get used to it. We have a lot of teasing to catch up on."
"We?"
"Yes, we. Your sister will be arriving in," she paused and looked at the old clock on the wall, "about fifteen minutes, so perhaps you'll want to take your bags upstairs."
Kathryn moaned and pressed the heels of her hands against her forehead. "Great. More abuse forthcoming. For this I endured the Delta Quadrant for seven years."
A slight sound brought the former command team's attention back to Gretchen. She stood with her hands pressed over her mouth, eyes full of tears. Chakotay recognized the gesture from a few days, yet a lifetime ago. "Oh, Katie," she choked out. "I thought my heart would stop the day they told me your ship was declared lost. My little stargazer gone. I couldn't believe it." Her voice cracked.
They were in each other's arms. "Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry," Kathryn's voice was husky.
"Sweetie, it wasn't your fault. It took me forever to finally accept it and decide to put up a marker for you beside your father's. It was the very next day that Owen came and told me about your EMH getting through. I threatened to beat Owen up if it wasn't true." They smiled through their tears at the image that provoked. "Your sister and I happily burned the contract for that marker. After that," she continued, "Owen would give me reports on what was happening whenever they heard from you."
Kathryn was shocked. "Admiral Paris is your source? He told you about our logs? I would have thought that information would have been classified!"
"Owen knew I would definitely have beaten him up if he hadn't told me what was happening. Besides, as a parent of someone out there, he understood what I was going through. Owen had a tough upbringing himself so he always had a hard time showing his care to his son, but he loves that boy, and it just about killed him when he thought he was gone. Oh, I knew that the version he told me was a sanitized one, yet even that was enough to give me nightmares worrying about you." Gretchen reached up to stroke her daughter's cheek. "I know you love the stars, dearest, but you darn well better keep your feet planted for a little while, young lady."
Kathryn held her mother's hand. "Not so young anymore."
"Compared to your Admiral-self, you are. Anyway, go take your bags upstairs and come back for your drinks before they get cold. I know how much you hate lukewarm coffee. You may as well use the master bedroom."
Kathryn stopped at the kitchen door, "Mom?"
"I'm using the bedroom on the main floor now. Have been for a few years, ever since I broke my ankle and couldn't climb the stairs."
Kathryn's widened in horror. "You broke your ankle! How?"
Gretchen waved her concern away. "It was a four, no, five years ago now. I'm fine. But I discovered I rather liked being on the main floor. Don't use the guest bedroom upstairs. It's right over my room and the bedsprings squeak, as I found out when your sister and her then fiancé stayed here."
Chakotay grinned at Kathryn's smirk at having some dirt on her sister.
"Go on now, you two. Go get your stuff upstairs. Phoebe and her brood will be here any minute. Oh, and Kathryn?" Kathryn paused at the door. "You may as well put both your bags in the master bedroom right from the start. You and I both know you'll end up in there together anyway."
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you
It was late evening and Kathryn and Phoebe were sitting on the verandah with their wine watching the man sitting on the back lawn looking up at the stars.
"Is he always this still, this peaceful?" Phoebe asked without turning her head.
"Mostly, yes. I depended on his centerdness so much on our journey. I never would have survived if it weren't for him," Kathryn replied, watching Chakotay stretch his legs in front and lean back on his hands. She knew he could be quite animated at times, but she wasn't going to give that kind of ammunition to her sister.
When Phoebe and her family had arrived, after enveloping her sister in a duplicate of Gretchen's earlier hug, she had startled everyone by reaching up and kissing Chakotay on the cheek. Taking in both his and Kathryn's surprise she stated nonchalantly, "I assumed from your scarf, Kath, that he's not just your first officer anymore but part of the family now."
Phoebe's husband had transported home after dinner with their daughter and twin sons to give her time alone with her sister. "Kath, I know your arrival home surprised you as much as us, and it's only been two weeks, but have you had a chance to think at all about what you want to do now?" Phoebe knew how much Kathryn had always yearned for the stars, but she also knew how much their mother needed the security of having her around for a while.
"Actually, I have. A little, at least. During the evenings and in between debriefings." Kathryn didn't add she'd even done some pondering during some of the more boring sessions when her mind had wandered. "I know they say not to make major decisions for a while, but there are certain things that I can already say for sure."
"Such as?"
Kathryn studied the peaceful figure on the grass. Even now she could draw strength from him. "You heard Mom give us an open invitation to stay as long as we like, and we will for a while. There's the Voyager party here in couple of weeks for all the crew who can make it - just family without all the fancy trappings and miles of admirals to wade through. Then, Chakotay has asked me to go with him to his home on Dorvan V, and after that I'm sure we'll need a long vacation."
Phoebe looked at the thin line of Kathryn's pressed lips and recognized what she was saying. Dorvan had been devastated by the Cardassians and any trip there was bound to be difficult at best. As though knowing what Phoebe was thinking, Kathryn said, "He's given me so much Phebes. I need to be there for him then. As to the future, a lot will just depend."
"On Chakotay?"
"Yes. He too needs time to think. He loves anthropology and could become involved in that or teaching, perhaps even at the Academy. I doubt he wants to stay in Starfleet, but he could surprise me. They'd certainly be lucky to have him."
"What about you? Do you want to stay in Starfleet, Kath?"
"Honestly, I don't know yet. I've given over twenty-five years of my life to it and I'm no longer the naïve young cadet who believed Starfleet could do no wrong. I know there are noises about making me an admiral, but I don't know. I can't see sitting behind a desk making policy and arguing the finer points of protocol." She made a face thinking of her counterpart and wondered how she had managed with the likes of Necheyev.
"Do you want to command a starship again? I know Mom…"
"I know Phebes, I know." Kathryn was quiet a moment. "I know I can't decide things quickly, but, well, first off there's no way I want to be separated from Chakotay after all we've been through to get to where we are. We need time together. A lot of time."
"He loves you, Kath. It's as plain as can be."
She smiled softly. "It's incredible to me, but I know it's true. And I love him. More than I can say. He's the most amazing man I've ever met. In spite of all he has suffered, all that he has seen and experienced and lost, he is still the kindest, most giving man I've ever encountered." Her voice was shaky with emotion. The words Chakotay had spoken to her during the night had touched her soul. His willingness to be totally open and vulnerable with her had freed her to drop barriers in her own life, ones that she'd hardly known were there. Her grin was a watery one, "Hell, he even thinks I'm beautiful."
"When you're with him," Phoebe replied, "you are. Don't get me wrong - you've always been a fine looking woman. After all, I should know, same genes and all." The sisters exchanged grins before Phoebe continued. "But Mom and I both noticed it right off when we visited you in San Fran. When I first saw you and I was hugging you, I couldn't help wondering how it was that in spite of being seven years older and going through horrendously harrowing experiences, you looked more beautiful than I remembered. Then you introduced us to the handsome man standing behind you and the connection between you two was like a living thing. It had substance. Later I saw you standing off to the side talking to others, and you just looked like my sister. But then Chakotay came up to ask you a question, and wham, just like that, you were beautiful again. Definitely should hang onto him. He's obviously smart and tough to be able to keep up with you for seven years, he's gorgeous and for a bonus, he makes you better looking. Think of all the money you'll save on beauty treatments."
They poured another glass of wine and sipped quietly before Phoebe spoke again. "Think you might want to have kids? With people living easily until one hundred and twenty, forty-six isn't too old to consider it."
Kathryn's mind flicked to the picture of Chakotay comfortably holding Miral and felt the same stir she had felt then, not just to have a child, but to have his child. "It's a definite consideration. I know Chakotay would love it; he'd make a wonderful father."
Phoebe's response was quick and sharp. "Don't sell yourself short, Kath. You have a lot you can give a child."
Kathryn was touched by her sister's endorsement and reached across to grasp her hand in thanks. She was silent for a moment. "I'm tired, Phebes. I really need a break. Hell, I haven't had a real vacation in over seven years. Truthfully, just between you, me and the moon, I could probably use some counseling. As for flying again, I've experienced more, discovered more and dealt with more in seven years in the Delta Quadrant than most captains experience in their entire careers. How am I going to top that? And while the curse was being totally alone without Starfleet's support and advice, the blessing was being without their meddling and sometimes stupid orders sent from admirals who no longer remember what it's really like to be out there. I'm not sure I could go back to that again. I'm not sure I want to. And frankly, knowing first hand the dangers of space and the often long separations of families, it's not something I'd ever want to impose on any family of mine. Who knows? Maybe I'll open a Starbucks."
"You would just drink up all the profits," Phoebe retorted. "There's always your first love. You used to describe yourself as a four-pip scientist. There must be a lot of projects around, Starfleet or otherwise that would be thrilled to have the famous Captain Janeway."
Kathryn grimaced at Phoebe's description of her. "Famous. Believe me, it ain't all it's cracked up to be." She thought of the relentless reporters with their holocams, microphones, and endless questions, sometimes blatant and sometimes downright sneaky. "Besides, it only lasts for about 15 minutes until the next fad comes along."
"In your case, I'm sure it'll last at least half an hour." They laughed together. They watched Chakotay turn his head towards them at the sound. Kathryn felt her heart quicken at the sight.
Phoebe looked at the two of them. "Kath, you may not know exactly what you're going to do, but I'd say that's the direction of your future." She indicated Chakotay with her wineglass. She stood up. "Well, I'm going to enjoy being temporarily childless and turn in early. Don't forget I'll be down the hall in the guest bedroom." She winked at her sister and kissed her cheek.
"Hah. I heard about you, your fiancé and the squeaky bed springs in said guest bedroom, Phoebe Margaret, so there," Kathryn stuck her tongue out at her sister. Phoebe just laughed and opened the screen door.
"Good night, Kath. Good night, Chakotay," she sang out a little louder.
"Good night, Phoebe," came the deep reply.
Chakotay stood up from the grass and walked toward the verandah. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and he'd unfastened a few buttons to catch the evening breeze. Kathryn's heart rose in her throat as she watched him. God, he was beautiful. While she'd never been much of a spiritual person, she couldn't help wondering if her longing for the stars all those years had only been to bring her to this remarkable man. When he stood before her, he took her glass from her hand and drained the last dregs without taking his eyes from hers. She watched his throat muscles move as he swallowed. She reached out her hand to his and he pulled her to her feet. They turned to the door together and stepped forward into their future.
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on
Starting out on our journey
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you
The End
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© Brianna Thomas, October 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.