HOPES AND DREAMS

Disclaimers and ratings, see part 1

No. No. No.

Alone.

Chakotay, walking away from her. Chakotay, holding her hand. Chakotay, passionately loving her. Chakotay, flat eyes, assimilating her.

No. Chakotay.

Let's have dinner.

Face hurts. Hands hurt. Don't leave me alone.

Alone.

Never got to tell you…

Pinder, dead. Just like all the rest.

Alone.

Let's have dinner.

"Commander, she's beginning to come out of it."

Alone.

Hands hurt.

"Kathryn, can you hear me? Come back to me. I - we need you."

Chakotay, dead. Just like all the rest.

Alone. Never got to tell you…

"Kathryn, please."

Hands hurt. Head hurts. Face hurts. Throat hurts. Chest h…

Cough. Choking, choking. Cough. Never got to tell you…

Head hurts. Blinding light.

"Captain, it's time to wake up. Come on now, you can do it. Computer, dim sickbay lights 20%."

Alone.

"Kathryn, I'm here. Tom and the doctor are here as well."

Hands hurt.

"Commander, I suggest you loosen your grip on her hands. They are probably still quite tender after the dermal regeneration."

Face hurts.

"And it might not be good to stroke her face either, for the same reason."

Light, still bright. Throat hurts.

"Then what the hell can I do?"

Chakotay. Never got to tell you, to tell you…

"Just talk to her."

Chakotay. Gone.

"No, Kathryn, I'm not gone. I'm here. What did you want to tell me?"

Chakotay. Voyager…

"Wake up, Kathryn. Voyager is fine, but nothing's getting done around here without you to keep us in line. We need our captain. I need…I need my friend. Come on, where's that death glare of yours?"

Death glare. All dead. All gone. Alone.

"No, Kathryn, we're all here, all safe. Open your eyes, and you'll see it's true. Please, open your eyes for me."

Let's have dinner.

"We will, as soon as you wake up."

Chakotay, I have to tell you... I have to tell you... I have to tell you...

Kathryn blinked her eyes and squinted against the bright light. The movement hurt her face and she closed her eyes again.

"Computer, lower sickbay lights another 20%."

The pain in her face subsided a bit, and she tried again. There were six heads above her, no, three, no it was six again. She blinked and three sets of anxious eyes came into focus, peering down at her. She tried to speak, only to wind up coughing. A terrible taste was in her mouth. An arm around her shoulders assisted her to roll to the side.

"That's good, Captain. Coughing will actually help to get rid of the residual gases from your lungs. I imagine you feel pretty much like one of the commander's punching bags right about now."

The world spun for a moment when she tried to sit up, and she lay on her back again. Her eyes swept around her. She was in sickbay, surrounded by Chakotay, the doctor, and Tom Paris. The other biobeds appeared empty.

"Pinder?" Her voice was a small croak.

"The ensign is in his quarters, resting as comfortably as can be expected after having a dislocated shoulder and a double break in his arm, both the radius and the ulna bones. He'll be very pleased to hear that you're back with us."

Tom smiled and backed away. "Speaking of which, I've got to tell B'Elanna. While she's happy as a pig in," he paused, casting a glance at his commanding officer, "well, you know, with the particles she's processing, she's been kicking herself for missing the defect in that receptor, and has been terrorizing everyone down in engineering all day."

Pinder was safe. Kathryn tried again and managed with Chakotay's assistance to sit up. Was this real, or was this another nightmare? How would she know? Tom had said B'Elanna had been upset all day. "What date is it?"

The doctor glanced at Chakotay with concern before supplying her with the information. It was the same day of the mission. This was feeling a little like a macabre version of "A Christmas Carol" where the three spirits all visited Scrooge in one night.

Her eyes searched the face of her friend and first officer, his concern for her evident. So handsome he was, skin so warm and golden, so alive compared to his Borg-self. She knew he'd rather be dead than assimilated by the Borg. Shivering at the memory of her senior staff as drones, she rasped, "The ship?"

Chakotay responded. "Voyager is fine, Captain. There were sufficient particles in the receptors that B'Elanna figures we've got a little over a year's supply. We took some damage from the intense turbulence, but nothing substantial. The tractor beam is already online again."

"Tractor beam?"

He nodded. "Yes. As soon as the wavefront hit and B'Elanna reported the disruption of communications with the shuttle, we tried to tractor you out, but found the beam had been knocked offline. I sent Paris out in the Delta Flyer, and he was able to tractor the shuttle out of the nebula faster, so we could beam you and Pinder directly here to sickbay."

The doctor added, "You've been unconscious for several hours, ever since you and Ensign Pinder were beamed here. That was very quick thinking on your part, Captain, to use the wound sealant from the medkit to stop the receptor from leaking. Nice to know that medical science can be of assistance even to wounded mechanical devices."

Kathryn glanced sharply at the EMH. Medkit? That had been from the first dream. Or had that one been a dream at all? Her head was hurting and she pressed her hand against her forehead, only to wince at the pain in both her head and her hand.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Captain. You had some pretty nasty chemical burns, and although I've regenerated your skin, it will take a day or two for the new skin to settle down. It seemed that once the particles you collected came in contact with oxygen, they became somewhat corrosive. I've given you an antitoxin neutralizer, but only time will completely remove the gases from your system and totally heal your lungs."

Chakotay observed his captain and friend. While it was a great relief to have her back, something was definitely not right. She seemed somehow hesitant, as though she wasn't quite sure where she was. He turned to the EMH. "Doctor, you mentioned something earlier about there being psychotropic properties in the gases of the nebula."

"Yes, and the effect was similar to that of when we encountered the aliens and their neurogenic field that put the crew into a dream state. Only in this case, it was just the captain, since the forcefield protected Ensign Pinder from the gases. The psychotropic elements put her into what would have been a very realistic dream world, as evidenced by her brain waves, and her highly agitated REM state."

Kathryn perked up at this information, but that still didn't tell her for sure if she was really awake now, or still dreaming. "I did dream, several times, actually. And each time I was sure I was awake, that's how real it seemed. But they always started off ordinarily and ended up," she glanced at Chakotay, "like nightmares. Did you find anything else, Doctor?" The way the doctor was eyeing her made her wonder if he'd somehow been aware of the intimate nature of parts of her dreams. She had to resist the urge to look at Chakotay again and hoped that the redness of her regenerated skin would explain her blush.

"Yes," the EMH responded. "It was obvious from your agitated state that your dreams were not always of a pleasant nature. Upon further checking, I discovered that these psychotropic properties held a base element similar to an illegal hallucinogenic drug in the twentieth century known as lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. This drug was popular during the 1960s and 70s and produced what were colloquially known as 'trips.' And sometimes, they were very 'bad trips.'"

Kathryn muttered to herself, "That's for sure." The skin on her face was starting to itch, but she knew if she touched it, it would hurt. She took a deep breath; they were going to think she was crazy, but she tapped the back of her hand three times, the same signal Chakotay had used to wake himself up when they encountered the dreamers. All that happened was her hand hurt.

Chakotay shoved aside the temptation to laugh at the sight of his captain tapping the back of her hand. He knew what she was trying to do. "Captain, are you afraid that you're still asleep?" The expression on her face of almost helpless fear answered his question. Thinking for a moment, he asked her, "Is there anything that has happened here that never happened in any of your dreams?" It wasn't correct protocol, but he couldn't prevent himself from taking her hand to reassure her.

Although his grip was gentle, it stung, and the pain was like a wake up call of its own. "Pain," she said.

"I'm sorry." He moved to drop her hand, but she gripped his fingers tighter, the hint of a smile gracing her face.

"I never felt pain in my dreams." Her smile faded. "At least, not physical pain."

Chakotay couldn't help wonder what that meant as her eyes darted away, her expression uneasy again. "Kathryn," he spoke, using her first name again to try and reassure her, "I don't know what to say to convince you, but this is real. You are awake." The look on her face was of someone who desperately wanted to believe but hardly dared to hope any more after seeing too many mirages on the desert horizon. He turned to the EMH.

"Doctor, can the captain be discharged to her quarters? It may help her to be in her own place."

The holographic physician shrugged. "I don't see why not. She'll need someone to stay with her tonight, to wake her every few hours to check her vision because of that concussion, but I have a hypospray that can allow her to be awakened, yet sleep without dreams from the residual gases. Captain," he turned to her, "you are off duty for the next forty-eight hours. As if the concussion wasn't enough, you acquired an assortment of bashes and scrapes, including some bruised ribs. I've done my best, but you're going to be uncomfortable for a while. Some light food, rest, and nothing more strenuous than report reading." He waited, as though expecting an argument, looking almost disappointed when none was forthcoming.

Still a little woozy as she slid from the biobed, Kathryn willingly let Chakotay circle his arm around her. He felt so solid, so real, but then, he had before too. The doctor transported them directly to her quarters. She looked around to find everything the same as when she had left the morning of the mission; piles of PADDs on the coffee table, an ancient novel with a paintbrush acting as its bookmark, and a half empty cup of coffee still on the dining table.

The table. Knowing Chakotay was watching her, she could feel the blush starting on her face. She couldn't stop her fingers from trailing over its surface. Their lovemaking had felt so real, but it hadn't been. For one thing, the table was lower than the one in her dream, and in fact, knowing how long Chakotay's legs were, the whole scenario simply wasn't possible. Instead of disappointing her, it gave her a tiny measure of relief, of hope, that maybe this time what felt real, actually was.

Chakotay watched her, wondering what was going on in her head as her fingertips touched the tabletop and she stood pondering, a slight hint of pink spreading across her cheeks that was more than freshly regenerated skin. He shook himself. "If you're all right," he said, "I should get to the bridge and arrange for someone to be with you toni…"

"No!" She cut him off, unable to keep the panic from her voice. "Don't go, please."

Chakotay wasn't sure he'd ever seen Kathryn like this before. She was suddenly very pale, her eyes wide and uncertain. "I'll stay as long as you need," he reassured her.

"Thank you." She gestured behind her to the bedroom. "I need to change. This uniform is rather worse for wear."

He nodded. "I'll wait right here."

Kathryn shook her head, then winced at the movement. "No. Come with me. Please," she added at his look of consternation. Aware that he'd never been in her bedroom before, never been present when she'd changed her clothes, not even on New Earth, she added, "You can turn your back to me, but I…" Hating this shaky feeling inside, she just couldn't seem to squash the thought that if he was out of her sight, he would disappear, and it would all turn out to be just another nightmare. She couldn't lose him again, she just couldn't. "I just need to see you, that's all."

Chakotay took a deep breath. To be in her bedroom, among her intimate things, while she undressed behind him… He took another breath. "All right."

He sat on the side of her bed, staring straight ahead. The scent of her was everywhere - what was it? Roses and something else. She came into his line of vision when she opened a drawer, removed something, then slid it shut with her leg. It didn't close all the way, and the splash of color drew his attention. He nearly groaned. It was her lingerie drawer. The subtle sound of cloth moving against skin was loud in the quiet, and his blood roared in his ears. He wrenched his eyes away, only to find them caught by a movement.

It was the reflection in her mirror. Her hair was loose, tousled from the removal of her turtleneck. She was doing up a front-clasp bra, pale blue in color. He could only see from her waist up, but it was enough; it was more than enough. She was slender, beautiful, even when she raised a hand to the red of the regenerated skin on her cheek. Trim muscles were visible in her arms and narrow waist, strength and delicacy combined. Soft looking material, soft looking skin, except for a couple of marks on her ribs and arms that looked like the tail-end of bruises. Arousal hit him like a punch in the stomach. Talk about a nightmare. He closed his eyes, but couldn't close his ears or his nose. A pummeling of the senses, every bit as much as his workout in the ring pummeled his body.

Kathryn knew from Chakotay's stiff back that he was uncomfortable so she didn't linger. It felt odd to undress so close to him, here in her bedroom, and still be so separated. It wasn't right. That had to change, and if this was reality, she was going to do it. Her hands shook as the decision took hold. Finished changing into casual clothes, she approached him. Tension was evident in his tightly closed eyes, his fist clenched on his thigh, his jaw working. She touched his shoulder. "Chakotay."

He jumped at her touch, which startled her into a backwards step. She banged her leg against something and because of her concussion, it threw her off balance. Only Chakotay quickly standing and grabbing her prevented her from winding up in a spill on the floor.

They both spoke at once. "I'm sorry." A tentative smile seeped away as they became aware of their positions, his hold on one of her arms, her chest pressed against his, her legs straddling one his thighs. He released her and she stepped back.

"Well, that was really graceful of me." She smiled nervously, tucking her already tidy hair behind her ear.

He looked behind her. "That's the would-be assassin right there. I think you need to get that drawer fixed."

Her eyes followed his. She swallowed. It was her lingerie drawer, stuck partially open just like always, the colorful silks, satins, and lace peeking out.

Chakotay tried to joke. "It's no wonder you're always short of coffee rations, Kathryn, considering how many credits all that stuff must cost you."

The stricken look on her face and her suddenly pale pallor made the regenerated patches stand out like red blotches. He watched her turn on her heel and stride out into her living room, hand thrust through her hair.

Following behind her, he tried to make sense of this, feeling a little like he was the one stuck in a nightmare. "Kathryn, what is it? I'm sorry, I..."

She whirled back to him. "You said that same thing to me in one of the dreams, about my rations and my underwear. Oh gods, Chakotay," she gasped, tears stinging her eyes, "I want this to be real, I need this to be real." Feeling lightheaded, she sank onto her couch, fighting to stay alert. Every time she passed out, she awoke to yet another dream.

Chakotay knelt beside her, gently pressing her head between her knees. "Breath slowly, Kathryn. You've been through a physically and emotionally draining experience, plus you haven't eaten since this morning. In fact, knowing you, you probably just had coffee and haven't actually eaten since we had dinner last night."

They'd had dinner last night. Slowly, she lifted her head to see his handsome face so close to hers, the gentle smile trying to make her feel better, to lift the heavy intensity. That beautifully shaped mouth was only inches away from hers, and her fingers rose to touch the corner of his lips. "Did you ever have a scar here?" she murmured.

"No." Her fingers were tickling his lips so he reached up to take hold of her hand. She grimaced at the contact. He stood. "Kathryn, I have some replicated aloe vera gel in my quarters that can help your skin. Why don't I just go get…?"

"Can I come with you?" she interrupted, rising to her feet.

It was evident she really didn't want to be left alone, so he nodded. "Sure. We can get some dinner too, and keep the doctor off our backs."

"I like that idea."

"I thought you might."

Once in his quarters, Chakotay made her sit on the couch while he washed his hands, then brought a small tube over to her. Removing the cap, he carefully spread a thin layer of the green goo on her hands and face. "My mother always kept a couple of these plants in the house. Pretty well every day, one of us was scraping ourselves somehow."

Once again their faces were close together, and she watched him as he concentrated on applying the healing gel to her skin. All she would have to do would be to lean forward just a little and…

Using his little finger, he spread a very small amount on her lips. "Don't lick you lips for a while; this stuff works great, but it tastes terrible. By the time we eat, it should have absorbed. Now just sit here like a good little captain while I get dinner."

Kathryn stuck her tongue out at him, only to find he was correct; it did taste terrible. She saw the flare of heat in Chakotay's eyes at the sight of her darting tongue before he rose and turned away. The corresponding hunger that rose up within her had nothing to do with lack of food, and she had to close her eyes.

While Chakotay organized their meal, he cast occasional glances across the room at Kathryn. He had decided against changing his clothes, since she didn't seem to want him out of her sight, and there was no way he was having her in his bedroom while he undressed, so he just removed his jacket and pushed up the sleeves of his turtleneck. He directed the computer to play a collage of quiet music that he hoped would be soothing for her.

Her silence worried him. The only time she spoke during the whole meal was to inquire whether he knew if Ensign Pinder had any relatives in Starfleet. He could recall a Commodore Pinder at the Academy in his senior year, but wasn't sure if they were related. The reason for her question was unclear, but his answer seemed to satisfy her.

Studying her without being obvious about it, he noted that the aloe gel had already made a difference in the redness of her skin. Still concerned about her, it was a relief when she perked up part way through one of the songs the computer played. He listened to discover what had caught her attention. The musical collection was one of his favorites, a birthday gift from B'Elanna early in the journey, and he had listened to it so many times over the years, he could almost play it without really hearing it.

So many questions
Still left unanswered
So much, I've never broken through.
And when I feel you near me
Sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known
Is me and you

Kathryn pushed away from the table, moving to stand before his viewport, blinking at the sting of tears. Knowing he had followed her, she wasn't surprised to hear him speak right behind her.

"Kathryn, tell me about these dreams. You need to talk about them, and it may as well be me." His voice was like soothing warm oil.

She knew he was right, but what to say?

"Talk to me," he prompted. "What happened?"

A lump rose in her throat. What happened? Nothing much. She lost him to another woman. She lost him and everyone else to death, and then to worse than death, that's all.

His touch on her shoulder turned her. So solid, so real looking he was, so much caring in those dark eyes. "I lost you," she whispered. "I lost you all."

"Tell me."

So she did. Eyes locked to his, she began. "We got home." She could see the question in his eyes; what was so nightmarish about that? Heat touched her cheeks and she had to make herself maintain eye contact. "And you had moved on." His eyes blinked and she saw the moment he registered what she was saying. She hurried on. "The next dream, we held hands, and we nearly kissed, but…" The awfulness of what followed made her pause.

"Let me guess. Tuvok interrupted us."

A short laugh escaped her, and she couldn't help her smile. Gods, she loved this man. Always lightening her burden, always making things easier for her. "No. The turbolift doors opened at the shuttle bay floor and we got out."

"Ah," he smiled, gently teasing. "The turbolift, eh? What happened then?"

"You asked me to have dinner with you when I got back and I said yes. I was going to tell you…" She couldn't stop the shudder that ran through her at the memory of what came next.

"Kathryn?"

It felt like the words were ripped from her. "A wavefront hit while we were on the shuttle. Voyager blew up."

"Pinder?"

"Dead. I figured all I needed after that was the Borg to show up."

Chakotay felt the shock she must have experienced. Now he understood what she'd been saying while she was waking up. Alone. All dead. "Was that the last one?" Her hand had scrunched her pant leg in a fist as though to provide her with something real to hold onto.

Kathryn swallowed; this one was the hardest. "One more. In the next dream, the mission went fine. You and I had dinner that evening. You told me you had also been having dreams of disasters. We…" Damn it, she was a grown woman and a Starfleet captain; she shouldn't be blushing like a schoolgirl. "We…made love. I…" she trailed off, pinned by the heat in his eyes.

"We made love," he repeated. His voice sounded a little hoarse.

"Yes." She should just continue relating this dream, but she was frozen, watching the play of hungry emotions across his features. Then, a tiny grin appeared on his face and she knew he was going to say something audacious.

"So, was I any good?"

Kathryn burst out laughing. Tension shimmered, danced between them like heat waves in a desert. "Oh, yes, very. It was perfect, everything I'd ever imagined."

"Then you've imagined us making love?"

Those eyes, those dark, dark eyes, touching her like a hand. "Yes."

"Is that something you would want?"

There it was, on the line. Kathryn swallowed. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't let another opportunity slip away. He stood just a couple of feet from her, hovering on being eons away or joined to her for life, the instantaneous transportation in one direction or the other hinging on her response. Was it something that she wanted? To make love with him, to be one with him, truly, really joined, heart, soul, and body? The answer was simple, all she had to do was say it.

"Yes."

Chakotay had to close his eyes at the torrent of emotions - relief, joy, desire, and most of all, love. Everything he'd wanted, longed for, dreamed of for years, stood before him now. His eyes opened at her next words.

"And you? Is it something you would want?" Her voice was only a whisper. "Have you thought of us making love?"

Her expression was a combination of hesitation and longing. The open desire on her face and her words were like a flash fire over his skin. Had he imagined making love to her? How could she even ask such a question? "In every location on this ship, every shore leave, and nearly every dream I've had since I came onboard Voyager." At her wince, he apologized. "Sorry. Bad choice of words." It reminded him, and he asked, "What made this one a nightmare?"

The memory poured over her like cold water and she couldn't suppress her tremble. "In the morning, you were gone. The Borg and taken over the ship, and it was you who…" She closed her eyes at the recollection of those expressive eyes rendered so devoid of life and emotion.

"Spirits," he breathed, the horror shivering over his skin like cold fingers. A thought came to him. "So, in your second dream, you thought about the Borg, and in the next one, the Borg appeared. That would be a natural progression, I suppose. Do you think…?"

"I love you, Chakotay." Kathryn could see the shock on his face at her interruption. The words poured out of her like a long-suppressed geyser exploding forth. "I was going to tell you, and then it was too late, over and over I was too late. I can't lose you again, I just can't" She pressed her lips together to keep the sob inside. Head shaking slowly, she forced herself to continue. Had to say all of it now. "I'm still not absolutely sure this is real. But like that song at dinner, I don't know much right now, but even if this is just another dream, I do know that I love you. And maybe, right now, that's all that I need to know."

Chakotay took a step closer to her, extending his hand. Just before taking her hand, he hesitated. "How are you hands feeling?"

"They're fine." It wouldn't matter how much it hurt, there was no way she was going to stop him from touching her.

Her hand was small in his, the warmth of his touch spreading through her. He took another step closer, now standing right in front of her. "What about your face?" His breath was a puff of warm air on her cheek.

"It's okay." His other hand came up to cup her cheek, and in truth, it was still a little tender, but it was impossible to deny herself this.

"Kathryn." Chakotay waited until she was looking up at him. Beautiful blue eyes looked to him, trusting yet wary, hoping yet hesitant. And more. There was love and longing in those eyes. For him. Now he didn't have to hide his feelings from her any more. "Kathryn, I haven't moved on. I realized a long time ago that simply wasn't going to be possible for me, so I gave up trying." He smiled gently at her. "Tuvok is off duty, and we're not in a turbolift, so we won't be interrupted. And long range scanners indicate no trace of Borg activity, so…" His eyes dropped to her mouth. "How's the skin on your lips?"

"I don't know," she breathed.

"Let's try, shall we?" He kissed her lightly. "How was that?"

"That was…nice."

His hand moved into her hair. "How about this?" Changing the angle, his lips pressed hers more firmly.

"Mmm."

Taking that as a positive response, he dropped her hand to slide his arm around her back. "And this?" His mouth settled on hers fully and he pushed his tongue into her mouth.

She had no opportunity to respond to his question because his tongue was full in her mouth, and she was burning with fire. Flames licked over her at every stroke of his tongue against hers. With a nudge of his big body, he walked her backwards without lifting his mouth from hers. It didn't matter, because her ability to speak, to even think beyond what she was feeling was decimated. Something pressed at the back of her legs, then she was being lowered, and all around her, under and over, she was surrounded by the scent of Chakotay.

On and on, starving mouths fed each other, lips and tongues, tasting, playing. Gentle and tender, bruising and demanding. Making up for lost time. His weight shifted until he rested fully between her legs, making her damaged ribs protest at the pressure.

Chakotay lifted his head at her tiny sound of pain. "I'm sorry."

Looking down at her, he marveled at the small smile and slight shake of her head. It was as though she welcomed the sharp reality of the discomfort. Her hands were cool against the flushed heat of his face. Catching her hand, he pressed a kiss to her palm, her wrist. This time the sound she made was not one of pain and he felt the flutter of her pulse under his lips like a tiny bird ready to break free.

The sight of her, the look on her face, the feel of her slender body underneath him, pressed into the covers of his bed, simply amazed him. It was the fulfillment of so many fantasies and dreams, it was almost impossible to believe. Could he trust her with his words now, with the declaration of his heart? Would she hear it, accept it all? She'd given him more than he'd really ever believed possible, and was here with him, under him, on his bed, but it wasn't enough. He took a breath. "I feel like I've known you forever, and loved you from before I ever met you. Can you understand what I'm saying?"

There were tears in her eyes as she nodded mutely.

"But as much as I love you, I will not have a one night stand with you. I don't want just sex with you; I want it all, not just your body. When I sit beside you on that bridge, I want to know that you're mine and I'm yours in every way. I need you like I need water to drink, but I need all of you. Can you give me that, Kathryn? Are you ready for us? Tell me now, or I'll go take a cold shower and sleep on the couch; you can have the bed."

Sensations, wonderful authentic sensations poured over her and she catalogued each one. The salt from the tear that trailed out the corner of her eye stung her cheek. The soft firmness of Chakotay's bed under her and the solid firmness of his warm body over her. The scent that was his alone. The hard ridge of his erection pressed into her stomach. The aching reminder from her ribs when she took too deep a breath.

And those beautiful, wonderful words. Chakotay loved her, wanted her. In her dreams, he never said the words, certainly never gave her an ultimatum. Instead of dismaying her, she loved the reality of it all, loved him. He was waiting for her answer. Strange how easy it was after all the years of angst and deliberation.

"Yes."

His face crumpled and he dropped his head to her shoulder. She could feel his shoulders shaking and she wrapped her arms around him tightly, welcoming the crush of his big body.

They undressed each other, treasuring the torment of the slow unveiling, laughing together at his struggles with the front catch on her bra. The buzz of his lips between her breasts tickled her when he murmured she was going to have to give him an instruction manual for all the different lingerie she had. Her laughter turned to a gasp that had her back arching when his mouth moved to enclose one nipple and tug at it with his lips.

When he tossed aside his uniform trousers to reveal his briefs, her look of speculation amused him. Trailing his tongue along the edge of her ear, he whispered, "Did you think I went 'Commando style,' Kathryn? Starfleet uniforms are a little rough for that."

The sounds of pleasure. Skin against skin, small gasps, groans. Murmured words of love, appreciation, encouragement. They knew each other so well, yet now began the process of learning each other in a whole new unexplored realm. "Oh, yes." "Did you like that?" "More, harder." "Ah, love, yes, there." Taking each other to the edge, then easing back to draw out the anticipation.

Searing heat. Under her hands, as she explored him, tracing every muscle, every small scar from his Maquis days. Under her lips, as she kissed every mark better, under her tongue as she licked at his earlobe, his nipple, the hard length of his penis. She made him smile when she commented on the scar on the inside of his upper thigh as being a "near miss."

Burning heat. His hands, sweeping her body, every curve, every hill and valley. His mouth searching out pleasure points she never knew she had; the inside of her knee, her instep, just under her collarbone.

He surprised her when he rested her feet against his chest, then ran his hands down the backs of her legs to cup her buttocks, stroking her labia with his thumbs, increasing her arousal to an intensity almost beyond endurance. His words of adoration washed over her.

"Sweet Kathryn, look at this wonderful hollow, just here." One hand stroked just inside her hipbone, and she watched his hand on her. His words wrapped around her like a silken web. "Your skin is like satin." Lowering her legs, he bent to place his mouth in that hollow, and the jolt of pleasure wrought a gasp from her. It took just a small shift, and that hot mouth was on her, intimately licking, sucking at her, murmuring his delight to her. "Every bit of you is beautiful." Then his tongue was probing inside her, sliding up to encircle her center and the climax swept her away.

Watching her face as she came down from her release, Chakotay marveled at the sight. This was Kathryn, his captain, his friend, his love, here in his bed after so many years of denial. This was Kathryn, whom he had loved and desired for so long with an intensity that went to the depths of his soul, lying before him, naked, beautiful, slender and strong, sex swollen and wet, legs open in invitation. The taste of her on his lips, the passion in her eyes when she opened them were almost his undoing, a passion directed at him. Although he'd had fewer lovers than some people would think, he was far from a virgin, yet his hands were shaking as they skimmed up her body, over her smooth belly, skirting the bruised ribs, caressing the beautiful breasts, nipples distended with arousal.

Bracing his hands beside her, he held his body away from hers. "Put me inside you," he whispered, and felt the coolness of her hand on his penis. He watched as he slowly eased inside her heat, the tight grip of her inner muscles testing his control. When he looked up, he found her biting the corner of her lip. "Kathryn, am I hurting you?"

"It's just been a really long time since I've been with someone." Her smile was a brave one, but didn't disguise her discomfort. Still, the sound she made was one of protest when he withdrew. "Chakotay, I'll be fine, just give me a minute to…"

Chakotay pushed himself into a sitting position against the headboard. "Come here, Kathryn. You be in control."

Kathryn straddled him, then closed her eyes, slowly, slowly easing herself onto his erection. Pause, a little more, a little more. There. Opening her eyes, she found their faces close, hands free to touch, to caress.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I want you forever."

"You have me. You always have."

They kissed, long and slow, languid, tender, and loving. His hands slid down her arms to lace his fingers with hers, joining them in ever way - loins, mouths, and hands.

Chakotay held her upper arms. "Lean back, love. Yes, like that. Rest against my legs." He had bent his knees so that his thighs were behind her back. "Now I can…" One hand stroked her center and the other circled her breasts. "Keep your eyes open, Kathryn."

His hips began to undulate gently, pushing them both to a greater height, free of past fears, constraints, and expectations. The soft movements increased, each fed by the sight of the other's desire. Disappointments and denials vanished in an unrestrained ebb and flow of complete giving, satisfied receiving. Chakotay was unable to hold back any longer and exploded inside her with a deep groan. He kept his hands moving on her until he felt her spasm again.

Lying with her head on his chest, Kathryn listened to the calming of his heart. "That was amazing."

He lightly kissed her hair. "For me too, love."

"I've never heard of that position being done quite like that."

Glancing down at her, he stroked the arm that lay across his chest. "It's called the Rocking Horse. Did you like that?"

Turning her head, she nipped him lightly. "You know I did. You have no reason to feel unsure about our loving."

He shrugged. "It's a strange thing to compete with yourself. I'm sure it wasn't as perfect as your dream."

She pushed herself up to kiss him, feeling the effects of their activities in her body. "It was better than perfect, Chakotay. It was real."

Chakotay studied the face of his love. The wariness, the fear, the hesitation were gone. Just a free Kathryn shone from her eyes. A thought crossed his mind, and he couldn't prevent his smile.

"What?"

He started to chuckle. "I have a feeling this falls outside the scope of the doctor's orders of 'nothing more strenuous than reports.'"

A very uncaptainly giggle escaped her. "It's a good thing he didn't put a cortical monitor on me. He'd have blown a subroutine by now."

Having missed one of the doctor's instructions, Chakotay was careful to follow through on the rest. Before they slept, he gave Kathryn the hypospray and woke her several times during the night to check her.

In the morning, it was the smell of coffee that awakened her. Opening her eyes, she reached for the mug being waved under her nose.

"It's about time you woke up, sleepy head. How are you feeling?"

She carefully pushed herself up in the bed, wincing slightly. The scent of Chakotay and sex floated out of the sheets. "A little sore, but I'm okay." The particular tenderness of certain parts made her smile; so different from her idealistic dream.

Chakotay was looking especially handsome in a black turtleneck and gray trousers. "Aren't you on duty this morning?" she asked.

"Beta shift," he replied. "How's the head? The doctor's been inquiring."

The mug paused in mid air. "Uh-oh."

Chakotay made a face. "Yes. I reminded him about doctor/patient confidentiality, but you know our EMH."

Kathryn sighed. "Biggest gossip onboard ship. I'm sure he'll find a way to let this juicy little tidbit slip. So much for enjoying this privately for a while."

"Probably already cashing in on a bet with Paris, not that the doctor has much need of replicator rations. He'd just want to gloat about being the first to be 'in the know.'" Sitting on the bed next to her made the side dip, and a little coffee sloshed over the brim of the mug, splashing on her arm, making her gasp at the hot sting.

"Sorry." He grabbed a tissue from the bedside table. After carefully wiping up the spill, he lifted her arm to place his lips on the spot. "A kiss to make it better."

The touch of his lips on her skin made Kathryn gasp again, but for a different reason.

He gestured to the mug. "How do you like the coffee? I tried a different blend, just for a little variety."

She took a sip and smiled at the taste of the weak brew. " It tastes very, um, real."

"That bad?"

Enclosing his hand around hers, Chakotay brought the mug to his lips and took a sip. He shrugged at her waiting expression. "It tastes almost perfect to me, except it needs about two teaspoons of sugar in it."

Not sure what there was about that statement that made her burst out laughing, he smiled back anyway. It didn't matter. All of his hopes and dreams had come true and lay grinning up at him in the middle of the tangled sheets of his bed. He took the coffee mug from her and set it on the bedside table. Then leaning over, he sealed his lips over that beautiful laughing mouth.

The End

© Brianna Thomas, November 2002 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.