HUNTING FOR PEACE

Captain Janeway sat in her ready room, padd in hand, staring vacantly into space. Memories surged across her mind like pictures on a screen, with subtext from the letter in her hand.

Her mother, her sister Phoebe and herself sitting at the kitchen table, each with a cup of coffee, sharing the Janeway addiction. Your mother and sister are fine, greatly relieved to hear about you. Phoebe married James Graham (remember him?), and now has a two-year-old daughter named Elizabeth Kathryn, and is four months pregnant with number two.

She, Mark and her dog Molly playing in the park one sunny Indiana afternoon. Molly safely delivered her puppies, two females and three males. I was able to find them all homes.

Mark kissing her goodbye at the door of her house the evening before Voyager departed. She was expected on board by 2000 hours. I can't tell you how devastated I was when Voyager was reported lost. I refused to believe that anything could overcome Kathryn Janeway.

Mark, she and both their families at a restaurant, smiling, laughing, sharing old memories during their engagement dinner. I held on longer than most, but eventually even I had to get on with my life. I knew you wouldn't want me, or any of us, to be stuck in the past. I changed jobs, began meeting new people. I guess there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. About four months ago I married a woman I work with. Her name is Caroline, and although she's very different from you, somehow I think you'd like each other.

She and Mark walking through the corn field in back of her mother's house, him taking her hand and telling her for the first time that he loved her, that he'd loved her forever and always would. Kathryn, the real reason I'm writing to you and not your family is that I know you, and I know all about Starfleet protocols. I'm happy, Kathryn, happier than I could have believed possible, and I wish that for you. You have a long journey ahead of you. Please, Kathryn, please let someone in.

The mental viewscreen slipped to New Earth, Chakotay laughing at her dirt-smudged face from weeding the garden. There has to be someone on your ship worthy of you, of your love..

The shuttle with her father and Justin sinking through the ice into the black water. Find that person, Kathryn, and don't let anything stop you - not protocol, not your rank, not your ship and not your fear. I'll always love you, so I want the best for you.

Always love you. "Well," she said out loud in her empty ready room. "I guess that's that."

Chakotay's words from earlier at the senior staff meeting came back to her mind. "I'd guess a lot of people had given up on us, done their mourning, gone on with their lives, found some kind of resolution. Now they get word that we're alive, but so far away that we might as well be dead."

She tossed the padd on her desk and sighed. These letters from home were a double-edged sword. There was a bittersweet nature to them. She wondered how the rest of her crew were doing, especially the married ones. She made a mental note to herself to check on Lieutenants Carey and Ayala, Ensign Wildman and some of the others. Signing again, she pulled her console across her desk and tried to focus on some research on the relay station.

Sometime later she'd discovered some interesting information just as her chime sounded. "Come in." She looked up as her first officer and friend entered. It was impossible to miss the somber expression on his handsome face. Not good news.

"The mission has proven successful. The reinforcement of the containment field is holding and the letters are coming through more easily now," he told her.

"So that's good news, then." Whatever was troubling him was not their current situation.

He nodded, but still looked subdued. "What are you working on?"

"I've learned a few interesting things about that relay station," she answered. It's generating as much energy every minute as a typical star puts out in a year."

"What's amazing to me is that someone 100,000 years ago was harvesting microsingularities," Chakotay noted.

She nodded. "If nobody shows up to protest I'd like to stay here for a while, try to find the answers to some of these questions. This is the kind of archeological puzzle that's always fascinated me."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay closely; he was way too quiet, almost withdrawn. No, not withdrawn, more shell-shocked. Someone who didn't know him as well as she did, who hadn't spent as much time as she had observing him might not notice much more than his serious expression, but she knew there was more. She finally noticed in the padd in his hand. "Is that a report I'm not going to like, or is that your letter?"

Chakotay dropped into the chair by her desk and silently slid the padd across to her. She picked it up, saw what it was and looked back at him. He was looking to the side, staring out her viewport. Since he had trusted her with his private correspondence, she would do likewise, even with Mark's very personal remarks. She slid her letter across to him before beginning to read.

When Chakotay saw who her letter was from, he glanced up at her. She was frowning as she turned on his padd. He wondered if Mark was writing because of bad news regarding her mother or sister. As he read, he heard a gasp from across the desk. He looked up again to see Kathryn's pale, shocked face as she stared at his padd. He knew all too well what the padd said, so he returned to her letter. It didn't take long to get through it. He felt a complex surge of emotions course through him as he completed it.

"Oh, Chakotay." She was on her knees beside his chair, spontaneously wrapping her arms around him.

He closed his eyes and slowly brought his arms up to return the hug. This was not Kathryn Janeway, Captain; this was Kathryn Janeway, friend. He finally let in the sorrow that he'd held at bay while seeking out and informing all his former crew about the loss of the Maquis. Behind his closed eyelids he could see the faces of the many he'd known, now dead, slaughtered, massacred, destroyed… The litany went on and on. Somehow she seemed to sense him spiraling and eased back from him. Their faces were on an even level.

"How awful. I'm so sorry." Her hands came up to cup his face. It was the first time ever she'd touched him like that. Her thumbs were stroking his cheekbones and it was only then that he realized he was crying. It seemed a little ironic that she, firm upholder of the Starfleet principles that were partly responsible for this devastation, should be the one to comfort him. But this wasn't the Starfleet captain, this was his friend kneeling beside him.

He managed a wavering, sad grin. "Who would think it would be a good thing to get thrown into the Delta Quadrant?"

She studied his hollow eyes, wondering what else he was seeing in his mind. "How do you feel about that?"

"About being alive?" He drew a shaky breath. "It'll take a while to work through it, but right now, relieved and guilty all at the same time."

Kathryn well understood that strange juxtaposition of emotion. She'd felt that way when her father and Justin had died. She looked at the padd still in her hand. "This Sveta, was she the one who recruited you into the Maquis?"

He nodded. "She's one of the lucky few in prison. Or more specifically, a Federation prison. Any of those in Cardassian prisons are better off dead." His expression was bleak, haunted.

Kathryn shuddered, remembering all too well her experience there. She'd gotten off easily, only because of the short length of time she'd been the Cardassian's "guest," as well as the fact that they'd been too busy torturing Admiral Paris. A lowly ensign had been insignificant in comparison.

Her movement drew his attention. "What about you? How do you feel about this?" he asked softly, gesturing with the padd still in his hand.

She shook her head. "It's nothing compared to your news."

"Kathryn."

Typical. More concerned about her than his own pain, and not allowing her to dodge away from it. She sighed. "Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life."

"But?"

She looked away from those dark, probing eyes. "But there was such a finality to that letter," she whispered.

It was his turn to draw her into his arms for a consoling hug. In silence they offered and received comfort from one another. They both became aware how close the other was, how warm.

"Kim to the captain. Can you come to the bridge?"

Kathryn grinned ruefully at him. "Well, once again, duty calls." She stood and held her hand out to him and tugged him up. His hand was warm in hers. "Chakotay?" She wasn't going to let him hide behind just helping her. "Let's talk later, okay?"

He squeezed her hand once before letting go. "I'd like that."

It was two friends consoling each other inside the ready room, but it was the captain and first officer who exited to hear Harry's report. "We picked up a distress signal from Tuvok's shuttle. Sensors show there's no one on board."

Tuvok finished delivering his chilling report to Janeway and left when the first officer arrived to report on repairs. Chakotay chided her for her endless coffee drinking and she teased him that she'd beaten the Borg with it.

"If they ever drank that stuff, it would probably rust their body armor. Maybe next time we should forget about phasers and just spray them with it," he teased back. "How are you doing?" She opened her mouth, but he jumped in. "And don't tell me, 'fine'. You'd say that if your legs had just been torn off by a Tracon beast."

She sighed. "It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me, considering the circumstances. It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net. You know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else."

His eyes were gentle. "You don't have that safety net anymore."

"That's right," she agreed, glancing at him. "Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship even if I had realized I was alone."

He held his hand out to her as she had to him earlier. "You're not alone."

Their eyes connected and she felt the warmth of his support that stirred her heart like it had so many times before. This time she didn't have to tamp those feelings down. Now she could carefully bring them out and examine them. She took his hand with a small smile. "No, I'm not, am I?"

They sat together quietly sharing a connection of respect, care and affection forged over nearly four years of trials. The future now lay before them full of new possibilities.

Kathryn was loath to break this quiet moment, and although she didn't drop his hand, the captain was intruding in her mind. "Chakotay, I think you should expect the carpet to get a little worn on the way to your office."

He nodded. "There's going to be a lot of ups and downs for everyone."

"And the former Maquis probably have a double whammy to deal with," she added. "Not only do they have their own messages to process, but also the loss of their friends and comrades. It could be a rough ride for a while for some of them." She wasn't just concerned about all the Maquis, but one Maquis in particular, who was growing dearer to her by the day.

Before he could respond, Neelix called them to the impromptu party he'd organized.

"Chakotay, let's talk again about how we can help them through this. We're all family, and it's even more apparent we're all we have out here. We need to care for and support each other through tough times."

He held out his arm to her. "Spirits know, we've got enough of those out here."

They both circulated at the party, trying to rejoice with those who were rejoicing and commiserate with those in sorrow. For most people, there was a little of both. The first person Janeway encountered was Ensign Kim. She knew he was one of the last to receive a letter and expected him to be bouncing with joy. So she was surprised when he seemed a little subdued.

"Harry," she put her hand on his shoulder, "not bad news about your parents, I hope?"

The young man smiled, "No, Captain, they're fine, thanks for asking. They're thrilled to hear we're still alive."

"But?"

Harry looked down at the table. "It's nothing unexpected really. I don't even know why it's bothering me. I knew it would happen."

Suddenly she knew. "Your fiancée - Libby, wasn't it? She's moved on."

Harry's eyes snapped up in surprise. "How did you…?" Recognition registered on his face. "Oh, Captain, I'm sorry. Your letter from your fiancé."

Janeway patted his hand. Who'd have thought? A point of identification with the youngest member of her senior staff. "I know, not unexpected, but so final."

Harry nodded. "Exactly."

She smiled at him. "If you want to talk, Harry, my door's open any time."

"Same to you, Captain. After all, misery loves company."

She laughed and patted his shoulder as she rose to move on. She spied Lieutenant Joe Carey sitting alone in the back of the mess hall, still holding his padd. His expression was bleak to the point that she would have said he looked on the point of tears. She wondered if she would be disturbing his privacy as she approached him, but reasoned he was here rather than in his quarters.

"Lieutenant, bad news from home?"

He looked up, startled to see her there. "No, actually Captain, everything is fine. Yes, fine. It's just…" He seemed at a loss for words.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

"I'm sorry, of course. Can I get you something to drink, Captain?"

She held up her glass to indicate she was set. "Are your wife and children okay? I don't mean to pry, if you don't want to talk about it."

"No, no, it's not that. The boys are fine, growing, of course. Marie never gave up, so she's still waiting. It's just that…" He looked down at the still full glass in his hand. "I'd reached a measure of, well, not closure, but acceptance, I guess. I was…" Again, he seemed to look for words. He took a breath and when he looked up, his eyes were shining. "I can't say I was happy, but I had become content, you know? Now, I miss them all over again."

Kathryn's eyes teared. There was nothing to say, so she just silently put her hand over his and nodded her head.

On she went, speaking with this one, patting that one's shoulder, aware that across the room Chakotay was doing the same. When she sat next to Lieutenant Ayala, the former Maquis was openly distraught. He covered his face with his hands, lowering his head to his knees. Kathryn rubbed his back as his shoulders shook. His children were fine, but unlike Carey's wife, Mike's wife had remarried. That, added to the loss of his Maquis friends was more than the big, quiet man could take.

When Neelix finally called on the captain to speak, she wondered how she was going to manage. The emotions flowing in the room were overpowering. Her eyes sought out her own source of stability and Chakotay came to her side. She laid her hand on his arm for a moment as she lowered her head to gather some control.

"We're family here. We're not just Maquis or Starfleet. We're Voyager's crew and family. Some of us have received good news from home. Some of us have received sad news. Many of us received both, while others received no news at all." She glanced at Tom Paris.

"It's actually hard to know which is the more painful - the good news, the bad news, or the no news." There were understanding, sad smiles at her comment. "We need to be sensitive to one another at this time, to support one another. I've never served with a finer crew, and the many obstacles we've overcome to get this far, give me hope for the future. Take time for each other. If any of you want to talk to either the commander or myself, please know that we are available to you."

The captain and commander prepared to leave shortly after.

"Captain." Janeway turned back just inside the mess hall doors. It was Ensign Samantha Wildman. "Captain, I don't mean to be nosy, but you've been so busy looking after all of us. Are you okay? Did you get a letter?"

Kathryn was touched at the young woman's concern and took her hand. Samantha had already told her that her husband had not remarried, but was in a relationship with someone else. "Thank you, Sam. It's okay, I know you're not nosy. Yes, I got a letter and it was mixed. It was from the man I was engaged to. My family and my dog are alive and well, but Mark got married a short while ago." She saw the compassion on Samantha's face and was surprised when she was enveloped in a hug.

"Maybe you'd like to come over and spend some time with Naomi and me? She wants to be just like you when she grows up."

Kathryn laughed slightly. "Hopefully her circumstances will be a little different. I'd like that Sam, thank you. Let's set up a play day and run a Flotter program on the holodeck. I miss them, Flotter, Trevis and all."

Once in the lift, Chakotay turned to her. "You did a good thing today, Kathryn."

The emotion of the day had taken its toll and she turned to him, leaning her forehead against his chest, taking comfort in the solidness of his strength. "I felt so inadequate. What in the world could I say to those people to make this better?"

She'd never been this open with him before. He stroked his hand down her arm. "Kathryn, it's not about making things better. Sometimes that's just not possible. It's about being there and listening, and that's what you did. Remember that in the days to come."

If she had taken a bet as to who would be the first person who wanted to talk with her, she would have lost. The next morning B'Elanna Torres sat nervously, padd in hand, before the captain's desk in her ready room.

B'Elanna looked surprised when the captain ordered two Klingon coffees from the replicator. "I didn't know you liked Klingon coffee, Captain."

Kathryn grimaced. "There are some days, B'Elanna, that regular coffee just doesn't cut it. I have a feeling this could be one of them." She nodded toward the padd in the lieutenant's hand. "Is this about your letter?"

B'Elanna shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Well, no. It's about someone else's letter, although it's actually not a whole letter, really just parts of one…" She knew she was babbling and trailed off. The captain was waiting so she took a breath and wriggled once more. "Specifically Lieutenant Paris's letter. From his father."

The captain's eyebrows shot up. She didn't know B'Elanna all that well, but could not believe she would withhold a letter from someone. She held out her hand.

B'Elanna rushed on. "It isn't complete, it came in bits and pieces. Tom was really uneasy about what his father would say in the letter and, well, I just wondered if I did the right thing in not giving it to him."

As Janeway began to peruse the partial letter, B'Elanna carefully watched her captain's face, wondering if she was going to wind up busted down to crewman. Her commanding officer's expression became increasingly thunderous, causing B'Elanna to pray to every Klingon god she knew that the wrath she felt sure was coming would not land on her.

Janeway exploded, flinging the padd with all her might at the ready room doors. It hit with a resounding crack and thumped to the floor. "The stupid p'tak! What the hell was he thinking!"

B'Elanna had hardly ever heard Captain Janeway swear, much less in Klingon. It was her turn for raised eyebrows as she watched the captain rake a hand through her hair and start pacing agitatedly back and forth. Janeway's comm badge sounded.

"Captain." Tuvok's calm tones were heard. "Is everything all right?"

Janeway rubbed both hands over her face. "Yes. No. Tuvok, is Commander Chakotay there?"

"He is, Captain."

"Ask him to join me here."

Janeway still hadn't looked at B'Elanna and the lieutenant wondered whether she was about to become a stain on the carpet. Food for the airlock. Fuel for the warp core. The door chime sounded, cutting off her dire thoughts as her old friend and former captain entered. He stopped just inside the door, looking bemusedly at the padd lying on the floor. He picked it up. "I take it this is the cause of your ire, Captain?"

Janeway didn't stop her pacing, just gestured at the offensive padd. "Chakotay, you're in charge of personnel. Read that and tell me if I'm about to do the right thing."

As he read, B'Elanna saw her friend's face darken. His lips were set in a line as he handed the padd back to the captain. Their eyes connected and he said nothing, just nodded. B'Elanna wondered what kind of communication she had just witnessed. Then she watched as Janeway pressed the delete button on the padd. She finally looked up. "Well done, B'Elanna."

She felt like she could breath again and stood up. Chakotay squeezed her shoulder. "What did you tell Paris?" he asked.

B'Elanna expelled a big breath of air. "Just that I was unable to get his letter in time, which wasn't a total lie. I couldn't get all of it in time." They were still watching her. Her eyes slid away. She hated being mushy, so it was with reluctance that she added, "And to believe that his father said he loved him and missed him."

Chakotay smiled. "Ya done good, girl." His approving expression lifted the tension from her.

Janeway drew her attention. She was sitting on her desk. The casual stance surprised B'Elanna. "How are you doing, B'E?"

The short form of her name threw her. "I'm fine, thanks Captain." As Janeway and Chakotay exchanged amused smiles, she again wondered at what level they were communicating on.

"Thank you for bringing this to me. You showed great discretion and sensitivity." It was the last thing that B'Elanna ever expected to hear said about her. It gave her courage.

"Thank you, Captain. How are you doing? You also got a letter, didn't you?"

Janeway sighed. "Yes, I did. It was mixed. Nothing awful, but not totally pleasant."

"Well, if you want to talk sometime…" B'Elanna cringed. Where the heck had that come from? What was she thinking?

"Actually, I'd like that. How about a game of hoverball tonight if the holodeck is free?"

B'Elanna's jaw dropped open. It was obviously her day for surprises. "Um, sure, that would be great. I'll book it and get back to you with a time, okay?"

After the door closed behind the chief engineer, Kathryn and Chakotay regarded one another in silence for a moment before beginning to chuckle. "Have to keep the crew on their toes, you know," she murmured.

He shook his head at her with a grin. "You also made a good connection there, Kathryn."

She sobered, looking at the now empty padd in her hand. "What could he have been thinking, Chakotay? His first communication with his son in years." They both knew there really was no answer. "I know Owen was never the same after we got back from that Cardassian prison, but his own son?"

Chakotay's features stilled. "That kind of experience changes a person."

She sighed. "Got a hug for a friend? The day's hardly begun and I'm already weary."

It was an unusual request from her, but he could see the tired, discouraged slump of her shoulders and moved beside her where she still sat on the desk. She was too small in his arms. He decided to take a chance and lifted one hand to touch the edges of her hair. He'd not touched her hair since New Earth. It was still silky smooth, although the ends just met her collar now. He wished he could run his hand through it.

She must have felt his light touch because she complained, "And on top of everything, I hate my haircut."

He couldn't help his grin. "Well, at least that can be remedied. Hair grows, even here in the Delta Quadrant. Besides, I think it's kind of cute."

"Oh, great. Just what this ship needs with all the hostile aliens we meet - a 'cute' captain. That sounds really intimidating." She felt his chuckle through his jacket. She lifted her head. "Do you remember that time you came to my quarters to deliver B'Elanna's report on the repairs after one of the Kazon's attacks when my hair was still long and I was brushing it?"

He certainly did. It had only been a few of weeks into their journey, late one evening, but she had insisted she wanted to see the report before morning. He'd suspected then that it was because she still didn't completely trust B'Elanna. Kathryn had been preparing for bed when he arrived, and she emerged from her bedroom, hairbrush in hand as he entered at her summons. It was back when Kathryn's hair had been at its longest and it streamed half way down her back like a beautiful golden red river. Later that night he'd had his first dream about her.

At his nod, she continued. "You looked at me for a moment like you were seeing someone else."

"I just remember being amazed at what a beautiful woman my fearless, powerful captain was."

She blushed. "Thank you, Chakotay, but fearless isn't a word that really applies to me. Especially not these days." She rested her head against him once more, feeling rather disinclined to move.

"Did you not sleep well?" he inquired. She made an ambivalent sound against his shoulder. "I see. I should just shorten that sentence. Did you not sleep?"

He heard her murmur, "What else is new?" She drew back and took in the dark circles under his eyes. "You don't look too perky yourself. Rough night?"

His eyes slid away from hers and he stepped back. "I had some dreams."

He was obviously reluctant to say more, but she knew she should press. "Want to talk about it?"

Chakotay knew she was trying to offer to him what he had often given to her. "Thanks, but not yet. Things are still muddled."

She reached out and took his hand. "I'm here for you, okay?" She didn't like the shuttered look in those usually open eyes. She wondered what resurrected memories were causing his distress.

When lunchtime arrived, they braved Neelix's fare in the mess hall, feeling the need to connect with the crew. The atmosphere was subdued, until Ensign Wildman brought Naomi in. Just the sight of the happy child brightened up everyone.

As the command team stood to take their trays to the recycler, Kathryn felt a tug on her sleeve. "Captain!" She looked down at Naomi. Her little face was brimming with joy. "Mom says you want to go see Flotter. Want to come this afternoon? Mom has the afternoon off."

Kathryn hated to disappoint the child. "I'd love to, Naomi, but I have to work." The face before her drooped.

"Honey, we have to give the captain some more notice than this. She's a very busy lady." Ensign Wildman stroked her daughter's long hair.

"Actually, Captain," Chakotay broke in, "repairs are well underway, and things appear otherwise quiet at the moment. Why don't you take a couple of hours this afternoon before the situation changes? I promise not to take any wormholes back to the Alpha Quadrant without notifying you first." His face broadened into a full smile.

Kathryn sucked in her breath at the sight of that devastating smile. She realized that it had been a few days since she'd seen it, and she determined to make sure he got some down time for himself as well. "Well, Commander, since you put it like that, why not, if that's okay with you, Samantha? Did you have any prior plans?"

Naomi was hopping from one foot to the other. "Please, please, Mom, can we, can we, can we? Please say yes!"

"Well, if you're sure Captain. All I'd specifically planned on, was giving Naomi's hair a trim, and I can do that later."

Naomi spun in a circle. "Yea!" She grabbed the captain's hand. "Let's go!"

Janeway laughed. "Hold on there, young lady. You need to give me a few minutes with Commander Chakotay. How about I meet you on the holodeck in about ten minutes?"

Samantha looked at her daughter's messy smock. "Make it twenty and you're on." Mollified, Naomi headed off with her mother.

Kathryn turned to her friend. "Chakotay, thank you for this."

Chakotay smiled down at her. "Just being a good first officer, making sure the captain takes some recreational time. After all, a happy, relaxed captain makes my life easier."

She laughed. "I see. Ultimately looking out for number one, huh?"

He grinned back at her. "Of course."

Chakotay's back was to the rest of the mess hall, his height and broad shoulders completely blocking her from view, so she laid her hand on his chest and said quietly, "Chakotay, I want you to promise me that you'll do the same. You need it just as much, probably more at this point, than I do." He lowered his face so she ducked her head to enable her to still look him in the eye. "Chakotay?"

He actually preferred to keep busy right now, to keep his thoughts focussed, but he'd always been hard pressed to deny her anything, so he just nodded.

She shook her head at him. "Not good enough. I know you. You're almost as much a workaholic as I am when you're trying to avoid something, like I know you are. I want you to say it out loud. Come on, promise me."

He looked at her, surprised. She knew him better than he thought. He curled his hand around hers on his chest. "Okay, I promise. Satisfied? Or should I swear as well?" In light of her upcoming visit with Naomi, he added the childlike oath, "Cross my heart and hope to die."

She gasped as the words plunged into her heart. It was just a common childish oath, but for some reason, she was shaking inside. "You'd better not, mister. It would really piss me off if you died, and you don't want to sic that on the crew for the rest of this journey, do you?"

He knew she was trying to hide her distress and he stroked his thumb across her fingers. "No, I definitely wouldn't want to do that. It would be totally irresponsible on my part, wouldn't it?"

She knew he was teasing her to break her out of the strange mood that had overcome her. "A definite dereliction of duty." Their eyes connected as they grinned at each other. There was their longstanding bond of friendship and something more that was waiting to be recognized. Standing as they were, it gave a feeling of isolation, as if they were alone in their own world. Her breath froze as the look in his eyes changed and his other hand came up to briefly stroke her chin.

Behind them someone dropped a tray and it snapped them back into the real world. Kathryn's brain scrambled to latch onto what she'd wanted to speak to him about. "Chakotay, could we sit again for a few minutes? I was going to talk to you about this back on duty. But since I'll be indulging for a bit, I'd like it if you could be thinking about this and get back to me when I return to the bridge later."

Once they'd taken their seats again, she continued. "I wondered about holding an open meeting with all our former Maquis. Normally, I would tend to steer clear of anything that could smack of an 'us and them' attitude, but I think in this case, the former Maquis have a lot more to cope with right now."

"How would you see this meeting?"

"I think it should be in an unofficial location, like the holodeck, and that attendance would be strictly voluntary. I would like to be there initially and say a few things, but then I'd leave it up to the rest of you. You'd be free to discuss anything at all, no censorship. Just talk over old times, or hurts from the past or our current status or whatever. Or nothing at all. Turn it into another holoprogram, if you want. She glanced at him. "I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you haven't already figured out, but I've been amazed at how well every one of them has done in the almost four years we've been together, and I'd hate for hurt and anger to jeopardize that now. People who are hurt can say and do things that they wouldn't normally."

"It's not just amazing that the Maquis have fit in as well as they have, it's an absolute miracle," he countered.

Kathryn was shocked. She would have bet he held a much higher opinion of his former crew.

Chakotay knew what she was thinking and shook his head. "You misunderstand me, Kathryn. I'm not commenting on their abilities, only on their orientation. This is a Starfleet ship, with a Starfleet crew, run by a Starfleet captain holding to Starfleet principles and regulations. Considering what every member of my old crew suffered either directly or indirectly as a result of the decisions made by the Federation and enforced by Starfleet, in their eyes, joining this crew is tantamount to, well…"

"Sleeping with the enemy," she finished for him. "I understand."

He shook his head again. "With all due respect, Kathryn, no, you don't understand. That's not an insult, it's just simply not possible. Even I don't know all of their experiences - there are some things no one wants to talk about. But I know enough to know this. My family and community were lucky; they were merely incinerated. Yes, their deaths were horrible, but at least they were quick."

Later that evening, she lost two games to one to a very vigorous B'Elanna. Kathryn had the feeling the young woman was pouring some of her pain into the game, and was happy to provide a positive outlet for her. Perhaps it would help stem off something more drastic later. They finished playing before their allotted time was up, so they sat on the floor with their towels and bottles of water to do post game stretches and talk. Kathryn told her about her own letter, and was able to draw out of her reticent chief engineer that her emotions were tangled at best, being primarily channeled into anger for the moment.

The workout was what Kathryn needed to release some of the tension of the past few days, and after indulging in a bath, she went to bed early. After the exercise, sleep came quickly.

In the middle of the night, she awakened suddenly, sure that something specific had happened, some sound. She lay very still, listening. A short, hoarse cry came from the other side of the wall separating her quarters from Chakotay's. There was a thump on the wall, followed by silence. She wondered if she ought to contact him, but when she heard no further sound, decided to leave it.

She thought about the man on the other side of the wall. A private, yet open man. A man of integrity and solid dependability. Peaceful, yet intense. The differing terms did not seem contradictory when describing Chakotay. She grinned ruefully to herself. He was also a very, very handsome man. A powerfully sensual man, who still seemed attracted to her, even after all they'd been through together, including their difficulties over the Borg alliance and the taking on of Seven of Nine. She sighed. Words from Mark's letter came back to her. I'm happy, Kathryn, happier than I could have believed possible, and I wish that for you. Please, Kathryn, please let someone in. There has to be someone on your ship worthy of you, of your love. Find that person, Kathryn, and don't let anything stop you - not protocol, not your rank, not your ship and not your fear.

She flopped onto her back. Mark knew her well, knew she was quite capable of hiding behind protocols and her responsibilities as captain, when in fact the biggest thing holding her back from committing her heart was fear. Fear of once again losing someone dear to her. She didn't like to think of herself as a coward, but there was Chakotay, who had lost so much, and yet early on, had made his care for her known. What was it he'd said to her while they were on New Earth? Not sacrificing the present for a future that may never happen. It put her in mind of the old Earth phrase, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

She saw the two of them standing in the mess hall earlier today, well, yesterday actually, the pang in her heart at his teasing words, "cross my heart and hope to die." If he did die, what would she be left with? A great big empty hole in her heart that nobody else would ever completely fill. She smiled to herself - he was a big man, so he took up a lot of space. But more than that, something she would never, ever recover from. She would be faced with unending, unchangeable, unadulterated regret. It was a future that she could easily avoid simply by what actions she chose now.

Simply. She rolled over and shut her eyes. One thing for sure in the Delta Quadrant, nothing was ever simple.

The next day, after the morning staff meeting, Kathryn asked Chakotay to stay behind. Every former Maquis had agreed to the meeting, which Chakotay had arranged to be held that evening on the holodeck. She was truly pleased, but what concerned her was her friend and first officer. He was clearly exhausted, tense and on edge, and worst of all, he wouldn't look her in the eye. When she asked him about it, he brushed it aside, saying he was fine. Under other circumstances she would have laughed. He requested to spend the day in his office to catch up on reports. While undoubtedly true, she knew he was avoiding her and wondered why. Just what were these dreams that had been stirred up that were so deeply affecting him, and how was she involved?

Kathryn arrived at the holodeck to discover Chakotay had chosen an evening beach program. There was a crackling bonfire, and the sound of ocean waves nearby leant a soothing, intimate atmosphere. She was glad she had chosen casual clothes for this, as had everyone else. She deliberately took a seat next to Chakotay. A gentle breeze was blowing, bringing with it the scent of tropical flowers. She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "It's a beautiful program, Chakotay."

He looked surprised at her taking his hand publicly like that, and nodded his thanks to her. He finally looked at her properly and she tried to convey her support and care to him. He managed a small smile and squeezed her hand back before she let go.

Once everyone had arrived, Kathryn began as she and Chakotay had arranged. "I want to thank you all for agreeing to come this evening. I'd like to take this opportunity to express my appreciation for the contributions each of you have made to this crew over the last three plus years. I owe my life to you, as does every person outside those doors." She indicated the direction of the holodeck doors with her head. "And each of you also owe each other your lives, as well as owing every person who originated with Voyager. It's just this. Although we operate as a Starfleet crew, we aren't so much Starfleet or Maquis any more; we're Voyager. We're more than a crew, we're family. And it's to that end that I consulted Commander Chakotay about holding this meeting.

"I want to assure you right up front, that the commander has told me nothing of your personal stories or your backgrounds. He has upheld your privacy." She saw a few individuals relax a notch. "And I want to encourage each of you to do the same. Whatever is said here, stays here. Please don't talk about this with others or even amongst yourselves, except when you want to share things with each other, and then do so only in the privacy of your own quarters." She smiled a little. "This is a small ship, and things have a way of getting overheard and we don't want to add to anyone's hurt or create misunderstanding. But do encourage one another. Care for one another. I also want to reassure you that tomorrow when I ask the commander how the rest of the meeting went, what I'll be looking for from him will be, was there further discussion, how long did the meeting last, did he think it was productive? That sort of thing. I'm not looking for who said what."

She leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees, steepling her hands under her chin. "If you want to talk to either Commander Chakotay or myself, please know that our doors are open to you, and everything you say will be held in the strictest confidence. We may not have the answers for you, but we can listen." She glanced at Chakotay, and saw his slight smile.

She took a breath. "People who are hurting sometimes say and do things that they normally wouldn't. The commander and I want to see that avoided as much as possible, because we are all a team and we need each other. Out here, we're all we have. Please understand, I'm not saying that your hurt is not legitimate or that it should be merely suppressed. That won't work, and it's dangerous. I won't insult you by saying I understand what you're feeling about what you've heard from the commander's letter or what you experienced in the past, because I'm not you, and I've not experienced all that you have. I can only say how sorry I am for your losses and your pain. I had my own brief run in with the Cardassians and if any of you want to hear about that, come and talk to me privately."

She saw the looks of surprise from around the room. She continued. "I realize that I'm the most prominent representative of Starfleet on this ship, in this quadrant, actually. If the memories of the injustices suffered by you and your loved ones as a result of ignorant and foolish official decisions threaten to overwhelm you, I'm asking you, imploring you, please don't lash out at your fellow crewmates. I want you to come to me." She studied each face before her. Chell, Jor, Yosa, and on. Some expressions were skeptical. "I mean it. If you need to yell at someone from Starfleet, I'm your person. It will remain totally confidential, and I won't record any of it in my logs. It will not affect my opinion of you as my crew, nor my treatment of you."

Chakotay was shocked. He knew better than the others did what a step Kathryn was taking by agreeing to leave any such conversations out of her logs.

She grinned slightly at them. "Now, if you want to take a swing at me, well, I'd just have to demonstrate to you how much extra training we captains get." There were chuckles all around. "I would encourage you to work out your anger on the holodeck. I'm sure Commander Chakotay would be happy to share his boxing program with you." She smiled. "Or if you like, I have a program of a ballet class that would leave even the most macho of you dripping with sweat."

There was open laughter. Tabor spoke up. "So Commander, when do we get to see you do The Dance of Lumbering Ox?"

Chakotay grinned and tossed back at him, "After I go a few rounds with you in the ring, Tabor."

Kathryn was pleased the way things were going and straightened up. "If you do decide to use the holodeck," she pointed her finger to admonish them, "keep the safeties on. We're too small a crew to afford unnecessary accidents. I don't want any reports coming to me from the doctor about foolish, risky behavior. Understood?"

She looked at each one and took in their nods, although it was slow in coming from B'Elanna. "All right people, I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of the commander." She put her hand on Chakotay's shoulder, levering herself to her feet. "From this point, you're free to leave, to stay and talk, or to cancel this program and start up Sandrines if that's what you want. It's totally up to you. I'll say goodnight to you all."

She was about to exit when a voice called her back. "Captain." She turned. It was Ayala, standing facing her. "Thank you."

Tears sprang to her eyes and she just nodded.

It wasn't very late when Chakotay stopped by her quarters. He'd decided not to wait until the next day for his report. Besides, he wanted to see her and express his appreciation for what she'd done that evening. He figured the line to his office door for counseling would be shorter simply because of her actions. The discussions had mostly centered on the words she'd had to say, and had been very positive. Kathryn was sitting with a book, her perpetual cup of coffee at hand, and some quiet orchestral music playing in the background. She offered him some tea, which he declined, and after they talked briefly, he headed for his quarters. He felt lighter than he had all day, and hoped he'd be able to sleep free of the strange dream that had been plaguing him.

That decided her. She reached for her comm badge beside the bed. "Janeway to Chakotay." The sounds coming from beyond the wall were slow in stilling. No response. She was about to try again when a tired, shattered voice came back over the open line.

"Chakotay here." His voice was slow, and his labored breathing obvious. She knew he wouldn't want to discuss this over an open comm line. "Chakotay, do you want to talk about it?"

He paused so long, only his ragged breathing told her he was still awake. "No. I'll be fine now. I'm sorry I disturbed you, Captain."

"This isn't the captain calling, this is your friend. It's the same dream isn't it? Talking about it could break the cycle." Silence. She knew she was pushing, but she was deeply concerned for him. "I'm involved somehow, aren't I?"

His gasp was all she needed. "Chakotay, I'm coming over." She closed the comm line before he had a chance to refuse. She threw off her nightgown and quickly changed into a pair of leggings and a loose tunic. It wouldn't do to be caught outside her first officer's quarters in the dead of night in a satin nightgown. He didn't need that kind of hassle from the crew right now.

She didn't want to stand waiting in the hall, so she keyed in her override. He was just emerging from his bedroom. The sweatpants drooping around his hips and the tee shirt he was pulling over his head told her he probably slept nude. At any other time she'd have appreciated the brief sight of the expanse of strongly muscled chest and abdomen, but now she was only concerned with his wellbeing. When his head emerged from the shirt, she was shocked at the haunted look on his face.

"Kathryn, go home. You can't help me." His voice sounded dry and cracked. He headed for the replicator and she saw his hands shaking as he picked up the glass of water he called for. She noticed he didn't offer her anything.

She stood in the middle of the room. "How do you know that? You haven't let me try. You won't even look at me." He glanced at her briefly, but turned away to look out his viewport. She tried to reach him again. "Chakotay, I know that a dream that involves me is tormenting you." She saw his shoulders tense. "Surely I would be the best one for you to talk with."

He turned on her almost angrily. "That's exactly why I can't talk to you. Go home, Kathryn. Leave it alone."

She'd never seen him like this. "So am I the enemy now?"

He raked his hand through his tousled hair. Frustration flowed off him. "No, of course not! You don't understand!" He wasn't quite yelling at her, but almost.

She held her hands out before her. "You're right, I don't. Explain it to me. Help me to understand. What have I done to cause you so much anguish? Talk to me!"

He stood with his back to her, silent and tense for so long that she finally sighed in exasperation and frustration and turned to the door.

A strong hand firmly gripping her upper arm whirled her around, shocking her. He grabbed both her arms and pushed her roughly toward the couch. His expression was furious and she briefly wondered if this was what the Maquis warrior unleashed looked like.

"You want to understand? Fine," he snarled. "Sit. You're going to need it."

She did as she was told, amazed at the man striding back and forth before her. She had no fear that he would hurt her, but this was someone she'd never seen before, not even during the worst of their disagreements, not even over their encounter with the Borg. Even with his soft sweat pants, tee shirt, bare feet and sleep-mussed hair, he was still a formidable sight.

A terrifying thought struck her. "Chakotay," she whispered, "were you ever a prisoner of the Cardassians?"

"No. I just got to clean up their messes." He was obviously working for some control, because he was silent for some time. At last he began. "I'm going to tell you about Kailon. He was a part of my first crew."

She was surprised. "You're first crew?"

He didn't seem bothered by her interruption. "When I first joined the Maquis, most of what we were assigned was raiding Cardassian holdings and rescuing prisoners. At least, what was left of them." The coldness of his tone was jarring. "We were called retrievers. Kailon had good reason to want to be a part of it and had requested to become a retriever. After a year of that, I was injured pretty badly. Head injury. We didn't have the fancy medical facilities we have here, so it took a long time for me to heal, and I had to be left at a medical outpost, such as it was."

She didn't like the images conjured up by the idea of him seriously hurt and getting makeshift medical care. As much as the EMH aggravated her at times, his abilities were excellent, even if his bedside manner wasn't.

"Anyway, they couldn't have a whole crew of seasoned retrievers sitting around, so the crew was reassigned. I found out later that Kailon was killed on a raid, so I'm not violating a confidence by telling you this."

He was standing still before her, his side turned to her, staring at the wall. "Kailon was seventeen when the Cardassians showed up on his homeworld. He'd been offworld at school and had only been home for a few days when the attack occurred. He was the middle son, and his father, his two brothers and he were all taken captive. His father was a draftsman, and they broke every one of his fingers and then smashed the bones in his hands trying to get him to talk. When that didn't work, they used the disrupters on the three boys. They quickly realized that Kailon knew nothing, having only just returned. Instead of letting him go, they taunted him on his bad timing, and decided to use him for sport. They recorded how long it took for him to start screaming and how long it was before he passed out. They were all raped."

Chakotay's voice was quiet now, impersonal as though he was merely reciting a factual report on ship repairs. Kathryn's vision was becoming blurry with tears.

"The Cardassians were frustrated that the information they gained was inconsequential, so they beat the other three to death in front of Kailon. He was a very attractive youth, so he was kept for their personal entertainment." She saw his jaw clench. "One thing to be said for the Cardassians, they never discriminate. They'll torture and rape any species, any gender, any age." He rubbed his hand down his face, lost in memories for a moment. "The only reason Kailon survived was that he was rescued by a retrieval team, hence his desire to participate in the same work. He was passionate about it, to the point of being obsessive. He knew all too well how much it was needed."

He turned to her and his expression was of rage, almost hatred. "You want to understand, Kathryn? Well, understand this. I'm only one man, and I could tell you dozens and dozens of stories equally disgusting. And each and every member of my crew here on Voyager could do the same. As could every member of the Maquis, the ones in prison and the thousands that have been slaughtered. That's the enormity of the scale of evil that your precious Starfleet unleashed when they went whoring with the Cardassians. You cling so tightly to Starfleet principles as though they're the Holy Grail, when it was Starfleet and the Federation who are directly responsible for allowing the butchering of thousands and thousands of people." He shook his head in disbelief. "And they call us criminals."

He closed his eyes and sighed, his anger spent. He was weary beyond measure. "Go home, Kathryn." And he walked into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

He heard the sound as soon as he crawled into his bed. The sound of weeping coming from the other side of the wall. He didn't know when Kathryn had let herself out, but she was in her bed now and sobbing. And it was because of him. The guilt he'd expected from his wasteful shower was a drop compared to the tidal wave that struck him now. He could tell that she was trying to muffle the sound, probably crying into her pillow.

He had done this to her and she didn't deserve it. She'd only been trying to help, to understand. She'd been right that people who are hurt sometimes hurt others and that's exactly what he had done. What was worse, he was no better than the Cardassians he professed to despise so much, because he'd wanted to hurt her. The phrase ran through his mind, you always hurt the ones you love the most, and there was no one alive in the entire galaxy that he cared for more than the woman crying alone next door.

When he stood at her door, he raised his hand to the chime, hesitated a moment and then used his override on the keypad as she had earlier at his door. The lights were off inside, but he was familiar enough with her quarters that he crossed straight to her bedroom doorway.

The sounds coming from the bed were heartbreaking. He could see her fairly clearly from the starlight through the viewport, huddled in a ball, still wearing the tunic and leggings. He wondered briefly if she always slept with the blinds open like that. He needed to warn her of his presence.

"Kathryn." His voice was very quiet, but he heard her gasp. He crossed to the bed and sat on the side. He could tell she was struggling to get herself under control, probably embarrassed at being caught so vulnerable. "Kathryn, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I know what happened isn't your fault. I'm sorry."

When he put his hand on her back, she began crying afresh. He couldn't stand that he had done this to her when he'd sworn to make her burden lighter, and he pulled her into his lap, holding her close. He finally got to slide his hand through her hair, but it held no significance to him other than his need to comfort her.

He was glad she didn't pull away from him, but pressed into him. "Chakotay," she whispered. "It's not what you said. It's my father." He frowned and looked down at her, not understanding.

"The story of Kailon was horrible, awful. But what you said about Starfleet whoring with the Cardassians and unleashing so much destruction. That was my father…" She had to stop, and he waited, stroking her back.

Her arms were around his waist, her head against his chest, drawing comfort from his strength, the familiar scent of him. She spoke slowly, almost hesitantly. "When Phoebe and I were young, Daddy was around quite a lot, like a regular father. But that changed after a while. Daddy was away more and more often, and for longer periods each time. When he was home, he wasn't the same. He was distracted, seemed worried and tired all the time. Like a typical child whose world centers on itself, I was sure it was because of me, that I'd disappointed him somehow, that he was displeased with me. As I got a little older I could understand more, that there was trouble regarding some people called Cardassians. He explained to me one day how much he hated being away from Mom, Phoebe and me, saying we were the most important part of his life, and that we were the primary reason for what he was doing. Part of the motivation for my joining Starfleet was because I figured whatever it was that took Daddy from home for so long, had to be very, very important, and I wanted to be involved in something as worthwhile as that."

She paused, and Chakotay could tell that memories were sweeping her mind. "I knew how serious it was when I realized that Daddy was afraid of those people. He couldn't talk about it much, but just before I joined the academy he said that while on the surface the Cardassians appeared friendly and agreeable, he sensed an implacable, deadly cold cruelty about them. I don't remember exactly how he described it but it was similar to Tuvok's report on the Hirogen, that they lacked any moral center."

She rubbed her face against his tee shirt. Her voice was rough from crying, so he reached for the glass of water he could see on her nightstand in the dim light. He returned it after she'd taken a couple of sips. "Thanks. He told me he was afraid that war was almost a certainty and that if it started immediately, the Federation was not prepared enough to withstand it, and that everything would be lost, destroyed. He was doing what he was doing in order to buy time."

He could feel her start to shake and her hand came up to her mouth. "Oh, God, Chakotay, such a waste! He really did love us and it hurt him to be away from us so much, and it was all for what? The work of the last several years of his life, for what? He would be so horrified, so ashamed if he knew how things had turned out, the devastation, the destruction of life, of…" She couldn't continue and Chakotay could only hold her while she shook. He could barely make out her next words. "For the first time in my life, I'm glad he died when he did, because knowing this would have killed him."

All he could do was hold her and rock her, stroking her back, her hair, until she stilled. He couldn't keep himself from pressing a kiss against her temple and she turned, blindly seeking his mouth.

He had wanted to kiss her for so long, dreamed of it, yearned for it. Yet he was reluctant. He really didn't want their first kiss to stem out of emotional pain, but he was the one who had hurt her, and she needed him now. If she needed his mouth to breathe fresh life into her wounded soul, he would give it to her.

A small sound came from her at the first contact of his lips with hers. Her one hand moved from his waist, over his chest and around his neck. He slid his hand up her back to thread through her hair and cup her head. She tugged at him, hungry, trying to deepen the kiss, but he kept it soft, tender. Her initial desperation calmed as he continued to gently brush her lips, exploring her, letting her explore him. It gained a passion of its own, different and far stronger than anything either had ever experienced, yet at times their lips barely touched, just breathing each other's air.

He lifted his head, resting his chin against her hair, eyes closed, and concentrated on regulating his breathing. He tightened his arms around her slight frame, even though he knew she'd be able to feel the pounding of his heart under her ear.

He eased them back against the headboard, drawing his arm around her. He didn't want to tell her about his dream, but knew he needed to. Sitting together in the dark, not looking at her face made it easier. "You were right," he began. "I've been getting the same dream for the last several nights. It's nothing I've ever experienced, and it makes no sense because you're there, twice actually, and yet so is my first crew, including Kailon. It's bizarre and I don't understand why I keep having it over and over."

She waited, wondering if he would say more. She wrapped her arm around his waist to give him support. He was quiet for so long she thought he'd decided against actually telling her the dream. He finally spoke.

"The dream is a retrieval raid on a Cardassian prison. I'm even aware of the smells - the sweat, the blood, the vomit, the urine. But mostly the smell of fear. We burst into a room where it's obvious someone is being assaulted. There's no sound from the victim at all, no cries of pain, no pleas, only the sounds of the guards, taunting, jeering. Two guards stand watching, while another is on top of the person on the floor. And you are standing to the side, in your uniform, leaning against a table, arms folded, calmly watching. I hear you say, "Starfleet obviously didn't care about you since they virtually handed all of you over to us." Then you look over and see us and start to pull a weapon. I shoot you and you fall. A couple of the team fire on the other two who are standing, and I shoot the last one as he gets up from his victim. Then I see the person on the floor. It's you, but not you. You're smaller than you are, and your hair is even longer than it was when I first met you. The shift you are wearing is in tatters. You're bruised and bleeding everywhere, terribly gaunt, no more than skin and bones. And your eyes are open, but utterly empty, vacant, like there's no soul there. I put a couple of the female team members in charge of you and they do what they can to stop the bleeding. I give them my shirt to dress you in, and then I carry you as the rest of the team gathers the other prisoners to return to the ship. You are so light in my arms, you probably weigh less than Kes. You stare at my face, but you don't seem to see me, so I try to reassure you that you're safe now. And you never make a sound."

He'd recited the whole thing rapidly, almost in one breath, so when he fell silent again, she was certain that was everything. Just to make sure, she asked, "That's the end?" At his nod, she murmured, "I can understand why you might see me standing and observing, not doing anything to stop it, since I'm the closest thing to a representative of Starfleet out here, but I don't understand why you would also see me as the victim. It's not like I was raped when I was their prisoner, although had I been there much longer, I'm sure it would have happened."

He shifted one of her pillows behind his back and closed his eyes, exhausted. "Told you it was bizarre."

She looked up at his tired face; he appeared utterly drained. She laid her hand alongside his face, and although he didn't open his eyes, he leaned his head into her hand. "Chakotay, I want you to take the day off. Harry will love being in charge on the late shift and you need the rest." The fact that he didn't protest showed how tired he really was. She twisted to look at the chronometer. She had to be up in a couple of hours. "We need some sleep, Chakotay." He made a move to swing his legs off the bed when she stopped him. "Stay here. I'll just worry about you if you go back to your quarters. And if you dream again, I'll be able to wake you quicker here." Again, he didn't argue, just pulled his tee shirt off. They both moved to slide under the covers. As they turned back to back, she asked him, "Would you consider letting Tuvok help you? The fact that you've had this dream repeatedly says there's more to this than meets the eye. You can't go on like this much longer."

He paused for a few seconds, considering. "Since the captain was kind enough to give me the day off, I'd like to take the time to try a vision quest. But you're right. I can't continue like this. If nothing else, I can't keep disturbing you in the middle of the night." He sighed. He really didn't want Tuvok involved, but might have no choice. "If I don't make any headway, we'll talk about it, okay?"

"Okay." She heard a tired chuckle from him, and was glad that he could find anything amusing at this point. "What?"

"As wonderful as it was, I certainly never thought our first kiss would be like this."

"This is the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay. Nothing out here is ever normal, so why should our relationship be any different?"

At some point in time he knew he would find great joy in her statement which indicated she agreed that they had a relationship, but right now he was just too darned tired. "Here I am in your bed as I've dreamed so many times, and I'm too exhausted to do anything about it."

He felt the brush of her hand as she reached back to lightly touch his hip. "Soon, Chakotay." The music of her words in his soul sang him to sleep.

Back in her ready room, it wasn't long before her mind traveled back to awakening that morning to the unusual sound of a light snore resonating behind her back. She'd woken two minutes before her alarm was set to go off and was able to slip from the bed without disturbing Chakotay. In the washroom, she'd quietly told the computer to reset the alarm for twenty-four hours, and began her day. As she'd brushed her hair and put on her scant amount of makeup, she could see in her mirror the reflection of the large form still slumbering in her bed. The way he'd curled into the warmth of the spot she'd vacated had made a surge of tenderness go through her, even as it did now, recalling it. It hadn't felt strange at all to have him there. It had felt right, actually quite wonderful. She'd been very tempted to kiss those beautiful sleep-softened lips goodbye, but had decided against it in favor of letting him sleep more.

She closed her eyes remembering the power of his light, tender kiss, more devastating in its gentleness than anything she'd previously known. What would it be like to wake to him every morning, sharing more than just a gentle kiss, but their whole selves, their whole lives? She knew he wanted her, had wanted her for a long time, but she also knew he wanted more than just her body. And as hokey as it sounded even to her, the more she knew of him, the more words like "fate" and "destiny" were coming to mind.

Such a long road they'd traveled together, so many ups and downs, so many dangers and obstacles. Yet here they were. She thought of the last thing she'd said to him before they'd slept, and knew that despite how tired he'd been, he'd heard her, and would remember. Besides that, she realized she was not inclined to let him forget. Such a long way they'd come from when he'd first appeared on her viewscreen, and it could be measured in far more than light years. She recalled that first day how there had been an odd expression on his face at that initial sight of her, and again when she had introduced herself as Captain Kathryn Janeway, and she had wondered at the time if he'd somehow heard of her.

Her mind back in the present, she wondered if he'd managed to get unseen from her quarters to his, and grinned at the thought of the expressions of any crew who might have spied the first officer exiting the captain's quarters, barefoot, clad in sweats and with obviously sleep-messed hair. She shook her head at herself, knowing that a mere few days ago she'd have been having kittens at the very idea, whereas now she just found it funny.

Eyes closed, she touched her lips with her fingers, reliving their kiss all over again. "Well, Mark," she said out loud, "you got your wish." Whatever it was that Chakotay was dealing with, they'd get through it together.

"Chakotay to the Captain."

She couldn't help her smile. "Janeway here. Were your ears burning, Chakotay?"

"Why, were you talking about me?"

His voice sounded tired, but at least he was responding to her humor. "No, but I was thinking about you. How are you doing, Chakotay? Any progress?" She heard his sigh.

"Yes and no. That's why I'm contacting you. Could I speak with you for a while?"

She sat up straighter at her desk. That was an ambiguous response if ever there was one. "Of course. Since you're the one off duty, where would you like me to meet you? Your quarters? The holodeck?"

"Are you in your ready room? And is Tuvok on the bridge?" Receiving the affirmative to both questions, he continued. "Then if it's all right, I'd prefer to come to you."

She wondered about his questions, but laid them aside until his arrival. When he walked through the doors of her ready room, she wasn't surprised to see that he'd donned his uniform to come to the bridge, even though he was off duty. She gestured to the couch and handed him the cup of tea she'd already replicated for him. He smiled his thanks at her over the rim. As he sipped the hot liquid, she tried to assess him, but for once was completely unable to read him.

He set the cup aside. "Kathryn, thank you for letting me sleep in your bed. It was the best sleep I've had in several days." It had been wonderful waking up, aware of her lingering presence, the scent of her, even before he opened his eyes.

She looked at him impishly. "Were you able to safely sneak back to your quarters?"

He grinned back at her. "Piece of cake. I just had the computer let me know when the hallway was empty. By the way, thanks for breakfast. I don't know why you keep complaining about that replicator; it worked fine for me."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "You used my replicator and my rations?"

"Considering the hundreds of times I've forked out for your coffee, you probably owe me at least a meal a day all the way back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"Hundreds?" She shook her head at him. "Chakotay, I've told you a thousand times never to exaggerate." The two friends laughed with each other. There was an ease in their relating, a smoothness and lack of friction that was soothing to them both.

Chakotay looked down at his hands, his expression becoming serious. He wanted to, needed to touch her, but she was always the one who initiated contact, so he hesitated. He watched as her hand came into his line of vision to clasp one of his. He looked up, surprised. How had she known?

She grinned her crooked Janeway smile at him, the one that always went straight to his heart. "Talk to me," she said.

He took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "I lied to you, Kathryn." She just stroked his hand and waited. "I said that you couldn't help me. That was a lie." He looked her in the eye. "The truth is, I can't do this without your support. I know it was just a dream but…" He looked away, almost whispering, "it felt so real. It was almost unbearable seeing you like that, both the callused observer and the broken, unresponsive victim. I…" He broke off and ran his hand down his face over his mouth.

For the second time in just a few days, Kathryn put her arms around him in her ready room. "Chakotay," she reassured him, "it was just a dream. We're both here and safe and we'll figure this out, okay?"

Chakotay closed his eyes as the same scent he'd awoken to enveloped him, bringing him peace. He felt her hand against his check and opened his eyes to see that her face was very close, and becoming closer. He realized with a shock that she was going to kiss him.

It was the tiniest brush of lips, almost more a promise of a kiss, yet there it was, once and then again. It spoke of encouragement, support and deep tender care. Her hand stroked his cheek gently and then she drew back to put her hand back over his, same position as before. Only the slight tingling in his lips told him it hadn't been his imagination.

"Chakotay," she began, "I know you don't usually discuss vision quests, but can you tell me anything? You said yes and no when I asked if you'd made progress."

He nodded. "My animal guide wasn't there initially. At first, the events played out exactly as I described the dream to you last night. Uh," he looked at the chronometer and shrugged his shoulders. "This morning, I guess. Whenever it was. Anyway, there's more. It was like Act II of the same play. The team seemed to be at a shelter, and you walked by like you were sleepwalking, without speaking, into a room and shut the door. I asked one of the other prisoners how long you'd been like that and he told me you became silent when the Cardassians finally killed your father."

Chakotay paused as he heard Kathryn inhale sharply. She made no further sound, so he continued. "I asked one of the women to check on you. The door wouldn't open, it was stuck. I asked the prisoner if he knew your name and he told me that it was Kathryn Janeway, so I called to you, but there was no answer. I went to try the door, but it was suddenly a long distance away, like it was down a long hallway, and I started feeling uneasy. My animal guide appeared at this point, encouraging me to go to the door, but the closer I got to it, the more I frightened I felt. By the time I stood before it, I was absolutely terrified, unlike anything I can recall, almost more than my mind could endure."

He looked at her with intensity. "I could not open that door, could not even make myself reach out to the door handle. I just couldn't. That's when I came out of the vision."

Kathryn took a deep breath, grasping both of his hands in hers. She could almost feel the fear that he described like a huge, jagged-toothed monster. Chakotay was one of the bravest men she'd ever known and she wondered what could possibly cause that overwhelming naked terror in him. "Is that why you asked if Tuvok was on the bridge?"

He dropped her hands and stood up, raking a hand through his hair. He stood with his back to her for a moment, hands on hips before finally turning back with a sigh. He shook his head ruefully. "I really don't want that Vulcan in my head, Kathryn, but I don't know what else I can do. I know I can't do this myself."

She smiled gently at him. "We could always call on Vorik."

He knew she was teasing. "It's not that I don't trust Tuvok's capabilities. I know he studied with a Vulcan master. It's just that my grandfather lost his mind and it's something I've always feared," he admitted. He looked a little sheepish. "Besides, there's stuff in my head that's just not appropriate for a junior officer like Vorik to know."

When he looked at her again, her breath caught. He was talking about his thoughts of her, his feelings for her. He was a private man, and she knew he must be desperate to even consider allowing Tuvok access to that kind of personal knowledge. She tapped her communicator. "Janeway to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here," came the steady voice.

"Would you report to my ready room, please." She voiced it half way between a request and an order.

"Aye, Captain."

After Tuvok arrived and accepted a Vulcan spice tea from her, Kathryn had Chakotay explain everything that had happened so far.

The Vulcan was quiet for a few moments before he addressed Chakotay. "Commander, barring the involvement of the captain, to your knowledge, you have not experienced this particular scenario?"

Chakotay shook his head. "Although I came across enough similar situations during that year that I was involved in retrieval work with my first crew before my head injury. Perhaps I extrapolated different elements from several of them to form this dream."

"Perhaps." Janeway glanced at Tuvok sharply. Had she not known him for as long as she had, she might have missed the slight undercurrent in the tone of her enigmatic friend's voice. "At which outpost did your recovery take place, and how long were you there?" he inquired.

"At R'taius IV, for three months. Is that significant?" Chakotay regarded him quizzically.

"Perhaps," he repeated, looking thoughtful. They listened as the lieutenant commander continued. "It was a well-known fact that retrieval work was by far the most taxing mentally and emotionally of all assignments. To participate in such work for a whole year would have been difficult in the extreme. Most individuals requested new assignments after a few months."

It was Chakotay's turn to glance intently at the Vulcan. Kathryn sensed a lessening of tension in Chakotay at the former Starfleet spy's acknowledgement. He was obviously surprised at the level of Tuvok's understanding. Kathryn noted the exchange of nods between the two men, and realized something elemental had transpired; respect, perhaps acceptance, even grudging admiration and forgiveness.

Tuvok addressed Chakotay. "You wish a mind meld to probe beyond the door."

Chakotay grimaced slightly. "Wish might be the wrong word to use, but since I am at an impasse, it would seem to be the next," a ghost of a smile danced briefly across his features, "logical step."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow and nodded. "Indeed." Janeway realized she had just witnessed something almost miraculous - an exchange of humor between her two most senior officers.

Tuvok again spoke directly to the commander. "I assume you wish to proceed this evening to avoid another possible night of dreams?" Chakotay glanced at Kathryn and then nodded. "Very well. I shall require two hours of meditation after my shift's end. I suggest we meet in your quarters, Commander, as the familiar surroundings will be best for you, especially upon the conclusion of the meld. I will initiate the meld first with yourself and then with the Captain…"

"No!" His explosive response shocked both Janeway and Tuvok. "I won't have her involved in this!"

Kathryn was confused. "Chakotay, you said you wanted my help."

He shook his head. "I need your support, but I won't allow you to participate in the meld. It's not an option."

"I agree," Tuvok interjected. "It is not an option. It is, however, in my opinion, essential."

Chakotay stood up and walked away. "Then forget it."

Kathryn glanced at her oldest friend and he raised an eyebrow to her. She stood and walked over to Chakotay, placing her hand on his tense shoulder. "Chakotay," she began quietly, "are you afraid I'll be in danger somehow?"

His eyes closed. "Captain, part of my job is to protect you. I cannot allow you to be directly involved in this."

She knew there was more. "Chakotay, I've done this before with Tuvok. I would only be there as an observer, communicating with you alone." She stepped closer to him. "Are you afraid you would harm me?" His hiss of breath told her she was at least partially correct.

When he looked down at her, his expression was intense, almost fearful. "Kathryn," he seemed unaware of the breach of protocol of using her name in front of another officer. "I shot you. And believe me, I wasn't using the stun setting."

"I will be completely removed from the actual events, you know that. What is it, really?"

He looked away, his lips pressed tightly together. His voice was an agonized whisper. "I don't want you to see it, what they do to you."

"Oh, Chakotay." She took his chin in her hand, making him look at her. "I know it will be awful to see, but it's not me. We both know that. But for some reason your psyche chose to involve me. I need to be there. We need to get you free of this." She moved her hand from his shoulder to his hand. "You've helped me so many times over the years; let me help you now."

She watched the struggle within him. Finally he sighed and reluctantly nodded. He turned and spoke to Tuvok, knowing that although they had been speaking quietly, the Vulcan's sensitive ears would have picked up everything without any attempt on his part to eavesdrop. "At the first sign of danger to her, break it."

Tuvok nodded. "Of course." The security chief knew he had just witnessed far more than the care and concern of two senior officers for each other's safety, and it reinforced to him even more the necessity for the captain's presence during the meld. As though sensing that thought, Janeway spoke up as they took their seats again.

"Tuvok, you said that my presence wasn't an option, but essential. How do you see that?"

"As you have said, Captain, the Commander's psyche has chosen to involve you, and on two very different levels. The one, of someone in control, the other, of someone who's control has been completely removed from them. They are, in essence, the antithesis of each other. The reasons are undoubtedly manifold, not just the obvious ones of you being Starfleet's representative and his superior officer, as well as his need as your first officer and your friend to protect you from harm. Besides that," he realized he could be treading beyond what they were willing to openly acknowledge, but felt it was no time for prevaricating, "you both have a long held connection, and as his closest friend, you will be his anchor and will help to direct him. You will act as his Pelora, as you did with me during my dealings with the viral parasite. I will merely be the conduit for this to transpire, only stepping in where absolutely necessary."

The fact that neither of the command team showed any sign of discomfort with his words, told the lieutenant commander much. Once they settled on the time to meet at the first officer's quarters, Tuvok requested to speak privately with the captain. When the doors closed behind Chakotay, Tuvok turned to his commanding officer. "Captain, I must caution you on two things."

He had known her for a long time and recognized the stubborn jut of her chin. "Tuvok, I'm going to help him regardless of what you say, but what is it?"

"Just this. First, that all your feelings and the commander's will be laid bare, fully known by the other, and second, there will be a residual mental connection between you both after the meld is terminated, far more specific than that which already presently exists."

Kathryn blinked. She hadn't thought of that, fully knowing and being known. It didn't matter. She was long past wanting to hide anymore. She couldn't help her slight smile. "You're very observant, Tuvok, to say nothing of discrete."

He tilted his head. "I am your chief of security; they are essential qualities."

She briefly laid her hand on her oldest friend's arm. "You are also a very wise and kind man." She focussed on the second concern. "Will the connection be permanent, as in knowing each others thoughts?"

"In the beginning it will involve specific thoughts as well as an overall awareness. It will fade with time unless it is nurtured. It could prove beneficial for you to consider reinforcing it in light of the often dangerous situations inherent to your positions. However, should you choose to continue the link, you would need instruction on how to control it. It would not do for you both to be constantly aware of each other's thoughts."

She thought of the many times her mind had strayed well beyond what fit into correct "protocol and parameters" in regard to Chakotay. She cleared her throat and nodded succinctly. "Thank you for the warning, Tuvok. The commander and I will get back to you on that."

The first thing she saw upon opening her eyes was Chakotay, dressed in his Maquis gear. His eyes locked with hers. He looked at her with open love shining from his eyes. "Now you know," he said.

"Yes. And now you know." She opened her mind and her heart to him, saw his eyes open wide in surprise.

"Kathryn." His voice shook a little as he absorbed the depth of her feelings for him. As they looked around them, his team was assembled, looking for all the world like someone had pressed the pause button. They stood frozen before a door, armed to the teeth, looking like they were waiting to be activated. She briefly wondered which one was Kailon. Chakotay looked at her once more. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do."

He searched her face again and sensing the unwavering resolve in her, he stepped over at the head of the team. His voice was very different when he spoke. "Let's do it."

It seemed to be the awaited signal, for everyone sprang to life. The door before them disintegrated into pieces and the team stormed through. Kathryn followed.

The stench in the room assaulted her, nearly causing her to gag. It was exactly as he had relayed from his dream and she had a sense of deja vu. It must have been much worse for Chakotay. The immediate awareness of the horrific events taking place before her eyes was shocking, making her want to retch. The crude jeers of the guards made it hard to maintain her emotional distance. And there, standing at the side of the room, exactly as he had said, was an unconcerned version of herself. She stood, dressed in her uniform, casually leaning against a table with her arms crossed. Her other self began to speak. "Starfleet obviously didn't care about you since they virtually handed all of you over to us."

It was here that the first crack opened in the replay of the events. Kathryn eyes opened wide as she heard her own voice begin to speak, but by the time the sentence was completed, the voice had become the deep tones of a large male. She watched as her other self spotted the team and began to pull a weapon. Intense phaser light streamed forth from Chakotay's outstretched arm, and the Janeway figure began to fall. But it was a Cardassian commandant who hit the floor with a heavy thud.

"Chakotay, did you see? It wasn't me at all!" There was no time for him to respond to her words, as the guards began to move. Team members took out the two who were standing, and Chakotay finished the one rising from the floor.

Although Kathryn steeled herself for what she would see, she pressed a hand to her mouth at the sight of the frail, broken figure lying before her. As Chakotay has said, it was too small to be her, and her hair hadn't been that long since she was a child. The sight of the bruised, bleeding, emaciated form was gut wrenching, but the blank, empty eyes were almost heartbreaking. Chakotay instructed the two women on the team to tend to the small form, and Kathryn watched as they knelt beside her, speaking quietly. She was watching so intently, she hadn't noticed Chakotay remove his shirt until he handed it to one of the women.

The rest of the team began to regather from where they had scattered to other rooms, assisting other prisoners along the way. Chakotay stooped to pick up the tiny Kathryn and they all began to head out. The deep blue eyes silently regarded him as he reassured her that she was safe now and that no one would hurt her anymore.

As they turned to exit, Kathryn saw the figure in Chakotay's arms shimmer and shift shape slightly. "Chakotay!" she exclaimed. "Look!"

It was no longer Kathryn, but a girl, probably still in her teens, who rested passively in his arms. She saw Chakotay stare in shock at the tiny heart-shaped face with the small ridge over her nose. The resemblance to Kathryn was still strong, as though the girl was a distant relative. The eyes were huge in the thin face, brilliant blue, and her red gold hair hung almost to the ground from where Chakotay held her in his arms.

The scene before her shifted to a different location, a shelter of some sort. The team was all gathered together, some cleaning weapons, some eating, some assisting with the prisoners. Chakotay seemed to be conferring with one of the prisoners when his head lifted to regard the slow walk of the silent girl into the room adjacent. Once the door was shut, he turned back to the man and inquired, "How long has she been like this?"

The man was staring sadly at the closed door and replied, "She became silent when the Cardassians finally killed her father."

Chakotay looked around him. "Gianetta, go check on her, would you?" He gestured toward the room with his head.

The woman tried the door but to no avail. "It seems to be stuck, Chakotay."

Chakotay asked the prisoner, "Do you know what the girl's name is?"

"Kathryn Janeway," was the response.

"Chakotay," Kathryn whispered, "ask him again." She had no idea why she whispered, since they couldn't see or hear her, but she sensed this was a crucial element in this macabre puzzle.

He turned back to the man. "I'm sorry, what is her name, again?"

"Cadrin Gennedai."

Kathryn shivered. The resemblance was uncanny. No wonder Chakotay had interposed them. She heard Chakotay call the young girl's name, once, twice. He stepped toward the door and stopped. As he had related to her in the ready room, the door had suddenly moved a long distance away. The other people had all disappeared. All that was left was the door.

Kathryn's heart began to pound, whether from her own anticipation or the sense of dread coming from Chakotay. He stood, breathing hard, hands clenched at his sides. "Chakotay." He just stared at the door, not acknowledging her. She spoke louder. "Chakotay, this is it. You must open the door."

He took a couple of steps down the hall and stopped. "I can't. I just can't"

She felt the waves of fear flowing off him. "Chakotay, you must. This is how you'll be free of this. It's the way out." She tried to calm her mind for his sake. The tension rolled off him as he walked slowly down the hall. Kathryn stood right beside him. He raised his hand to the doorknob and stopped again. His hand was trembling. She encouraged him to continue, and he finally tried the door. It was either stuck or locked. "Chakotay, you need to get this door open for you to break free."

He closed his eyes and took a shuddering breath. She felt his resolution and knew it was probably one of the hardest things he had ever done. He stepped back for a moment and then rammed his shoulder against the door. It burst open with a crash and he stumbled into the room. He looked up and began to scream, dropping to his knees, great gasping cries coming from him. Kathryn stepped into the room, taking in the overturned stool, the tiny shadowy figure swaying from the rafter from the twisted bedsheet.

The sudden silence was almost more deafening than Chakotay's screams. She turned to him to see his mouth still open, face contorted, but no sound coming out. The area surrounding them began to disappear and blackness began to encroach.

"Captain," she heard Tuvok speaking urgently in her head, "you must act now or we will lose him."

She quickly knelt before Chakotay, taking his tortured face in her hands. "Chakotay, it's Kathryn, I'm here. Look at me. See me." All she could feel from him was agony and a need to escape that agony. "No! Chakotay, you mustn't leave me. You can't leave me. I need you. I love you. I'm here for you."

His tormented eyes seemed to slowly refocus and he finally met her gaze. "Kathryn," he breathed. Suddenly, they were back in his quarters, still seated on the floor. It was done. Chakotay's face crumpled and he collapsed sobbing, burying his face into her stomach, arms wrapped around her waist tightly. Kathryn stroked his back, his face, his hair, anything she could reach. His pain poured over her, almost breaking her and tears poured down her face. She wanted to comfort him, but couldn't get clear of his emotions. They were too strong, too overwhelming and she felt like she was being pulled under.

She felt Tuvok touch on her temple again and opened her eyes to see he was again connecting with Chakotay and herself, only this time, all she sensed was the beginning of release, and a slow invasion of calm. Chakotay gradually settled, and from the relaxed weight of his body across her lap, she knew he was either unconscious or asleep. When she looked at Tuvok, she was shocked to see his face covered with tears. "Tuvok?"

The Vulcan seemed nonplussed. "The link between you both created a backwash, if you will, such that the emotions were feeding off each of you. I acted as the conduit, the pressure release valve to break the cycle, or else we would have been in danger of losing you both. Before I leave, with your permission I will perform another meld with you so that you may act as that conduit for the commander when he awakens." He seemed completely recovered, back to his normal controlled self. "Captain, we need to transport the commander to his bed."

Kathryn shook her head, still stroking Chakotay's back. "I'm fine, Tuvok."

"You will not be. Commander Chakotay will sleep for between twelve and sixteen hours. It is during this time that his mind will begin to heal." At this, Kathryn reluctantly agreed, and Tuvok initiated the transport of Chakotay to his bed. After she had smoothed the blanket over him, she watched him for a moment. His face looked so tired.

Back in the living room, she sank onto the couch, accepting the glass of water Tuvok handed to her. "Thank you, Tuvok, for everything. Do you understand fully what happened and why? Obviously it was not just a dream, but actual events that he had repressed. It seems like an extreme form of post traumatic stress disorder."

"Yes, although he was not the initiator of the repressing of those events."

"What do you mean?" his captain inquired.

"I will explain. It seems that as a result of this event, he actually suffered a complete mental breakdown, not at all unlikely considering the nature of the commander and the work that he was doing. A year was an extremely long time to be a retriever, and as horrible as that specific tragedy was, I believe it was, as is said, the straw that broke the camel's back. The very qualities of the commander that make him a good soldier, also make him a poor soldier. He is a man of integrity, sensitivity and compassion, and those qualities nearly cost him his mind, and could have cost him his life."

Kathryn knew Chakotay would be surprised to hear Tuvok describe him like that. She thought about some of the things he had said while questioning Chakotay in the ready room. "Did you know this before we started?"

"I only suspected and began to add things together. As I said, the nature of the work and nature of the commander, plus the length of time he was involved in retrieving, added to his mention of a 'head injury,' and a three month stay on R'taius IV."

"What is significant about R'taius IV?"

"During my time with the Maquis, I did as much research as possible and discovered that the medical outpost at R'taius IV was often used for patients suffering extreme post traumatic stress disorder, although not exclusively. Their medical practitioners were often Bajoran, who used mental techniques to lock away, as it were, events that caused the breakdowns. Good warriors were too scarce and too valuable, so they were unable to completely withdraw these people from action. I ran into a number of individuals with similar stories as the commander's; a blocked door, an enclosed cave and the like. The techniques were employed to shore up those events until such time as the individual's mind knew it was safe to bring them out, in a way that the person would not lose their sanity."

"So what made it safe for Chakotay to bring this out now?" she wondered aloud.

"Your presence in his life." Kathryn looked at Tuvok, completely shocked. "The letter from Sveta may have been the trigger, but it is the depth of relationship, the connection you share that told him it was safe now. That is why I believe you figured so prominently in his dream, aside from the obvious similarity between yourself and the unfortunate young woman, physically and in name."

Suddenly the three incidents when Chakotay had looked at her strangely, as though he knew her from somewhere made sense. "So what happens now?"

"First, Captain, you must bear in mind that although this incident took place many years ago, for the commander, it will be as if it just occurred, and he will have to grieve it as such. Part of that will be dealing with his feelings of guilt for not having been able to foresee the girl's suicide and prevent it. Second, his mind, his soul will be raw, like a scab ripped off a large wound. He may be very needy." Tuvok looked significantly at her, and she realized what he was saying. She just nodded her understanding.

"Captain, Commander Chakotay will remain asleep for a very long time. When he awakens, it will most likely be for only a short period, just long enough to take sustenance before he returns to sleep, this time for a much shorter span of time. He most likely will not speak very much at all. You will not sense a lot from him on the first waking, but expect that to change with each subsequent waking. You can expect that he will, in fact, spend much time sleeping over the next three days. It will be healing for him."

He paused. Tuvok knew it was hopeless, but informed her anyway. "It will be quite safe to leave him now. He will not stir at all for at least twelve hours." She looked at him like he had two heads, and he sighed. He conceded. "If you wish to collect a few things from your quarters, I will remain here until your return."

Kathryn smiled wearily and patted his knee as she rose stiffly to stretch a little. "Thank you, Tuvok. I won't be long."

When she returned, Tuvok was just exiting Chakotay's bedroom. "He has not moved," he said to her inquiring look.

"Were you concerned?"

"No, but I knew you would ask as soon as you returned."

She smiled again. Who said Vulcans were insensitive?

Fourteen hours later, Chakotay began to stir, but it took almost another hour for him to fully awaken. He lay silently for a long period, simply watching her watch him from where she sat in a chair, her feet propped on the side of the bed.

He sat up slowly and placed a warm hand on her ankle. "Are you alright?" Tears sprang to her eyes at his words and his expression became concerned. "Kathryn?"

Her hand trembled a little as she leaned forward to stroke his face. "Oh, Chakotay! You've just had your psyche ripped apart and your first words are to inquire about my wellbeing?" She shook her head, recalling the words of one of her instructors at the academy. The man had spent his formative years in both Wales and Scotland, so his accent was an interesting combination of both backgrounds. "It's win a mon's under prrresha that the trrrue nature of a mon cooms oot." What Chakotay had just undergone definitely qualified as putting a man under pressure, and the true nature coming out of him was kindness and concern for others, specifically her.

After he showered and changed into fresh sweats, he joined her at the table. She'd been uncertain what to prepare for him, since although it was lunchtime, it was actually his breakfast, and he hadn't eaten in a long time. She settled on banana pancakes and juice.

The fork was halfway to his mouth when it paused. He glanced up at her. "You made this?"

"B'Elanna's recipe," she reassured him. As she watched the fork proceed on its journey, she added. "Your rations, though."

He eyed her. "How many of my rations did you use to poison my replicator with coffee?" All of his movements were slow, as was his speech.

She shrugged. "Just a couple. Well, okay, a few." She flicked her eyes sideways at him. "After all, you did sleep for nearly 15 hours."

He nodded carefully. "Do I have enough left for the rest of the month? The pancakes are good, by the way."

"You needn't sound so surprised. I can program a replicator, you know."

"My rations?" he persisted.

"Depends what you call enough."

"Enough to cover your coffee requirements?"

"Hmm, maybe not."

"Thought so."

© Brianna Thomas, December 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.