THE BORG'S NEW CLOTHES

The moment Chakotay caught sight of the former Borg calmly awaiting inspection, he knew there was going to be trouble. Actually, trouble was too small a word to adequately describe what was about to happen. Trouble was the gel packs having an infection. Trouble was the Kazon or the Vidians showing up. No, this would be a catastrophe on the scale of Krakatau's eruption, or the Q Continuum's civil war. Or the captain with no coffee.

Glancing at the security officer standing nearby, he could see that he was not alone in his concern. Chakotay had never seen Jenkins look nervous before, but the ensign appeared decidedly jittery, his eyes flicking back and forth from his captain to the former drone.

Speaking of drone, the doctor droned on, oblivious to the disaster about to befall him. Chakotay shook his head in wonder. If anything proved to him the EMH's lack of sentience, this surely did. The hologram preened as he proudly explained that, despite not being a designer, he was sure he had managed to combine esthetics with functionality.

As a man, Chakotay could appreciate the statuesque female in the skintight silver catsuit, but as an officer, he knew this outfit was entirely inappropriate. It was merely a matter of time before the captain let loose with her opinion, and he just knew that a warp core breach was going to seem mild in comparison.

The EMH finally wound down and an uneasy silence reigned for a moment. Then the captain cleared her throat, and it sounded like the rumble of an earthquake. Both Chakotay and Jenkins stepped back, unwilling to be too near the eruption of the Janeway Irish temper.

"Where's the rest of them?" Her voice sounded like the grinding of bones.

The doctor looked at her with a confused expression on his face. "Captain?"

"I said," she spat, not taking her eyes from the tall blonde, "Where's. The. Rest. Of. Them?" Each word broke off like falling ice chips.

The hologram was starting to look apprehensive. "The rest of what, Captain?"

Her head whipped around, and now Chakotay knew for sure that the doctor couldn't possibly be sentient, because if he had been, the laser of the famous death glare would have fried him to a crisp. As it was, Chakotay took another step back, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jenkins do the same.

"THE REST OF HER CLOTHES, DOCTOR!" The captain took a deep breath and lowered her voice. "The girl is wearing her underwear, for crying out loud."

"But, Captain, her exoskeleton…"

With a karate chop of her hand, Janeway cut him off. "Exoskeleton, schmexoskeleton. THE GIRL IS WEARING LONG UNDERWEAR IN PUBLIC."

"But, but, captain…" The EMH stammered.

One captainly finger poked the hologram in the chest so hard he staggered back a step. She growled at him, "It's Ma'am to you, mister, because believe me, it's crunch time!" She continued walking forward, punctuating various words with more pokes until the doctor was finally backed up against the bulkhead.

"Just what the hell were you THINKING, mister? If I didn't know that you were computer generated, I'd SWEAR you were a mere TEENAGER operating under overactive hormones!"

"But Cap…Ma'am!" The doctor's eyes were bugging out of his holographic face.

The raspy intensity in Janeway's voice made the Borg Collective's standard greeting sound like an invitation to tea. "May I remind you, DOCTOR, that this is a STARFLEET vessel, not a bordello, and I WILL NOT allow you to fulfill your puerile fantasies on this young woman, who is too innocent to know she's being used like that. Of all the JUVENILE, IMMATURE, and UNPROFESSIONAL behavior! I WILL NOT have half my crew tripping over their jaws every time she struts down the corridor! If she needs to wear a garment like that, she can wear it UNDERNEATH regular clothes, understood?"

"But Ma'am…"

The captain grabbed the EHM's face. "Have you also become hard of hearing, Doctor? I said, UNDERSTOOD? Just nod and say, 'Yes, Ma'am.'"

The hologram nodded and said, "Yes, Ma'am." His head kept on bobbing, and his voice sounded slightly strangled.

When the captain looked over her shoulder, Chakotay followed her gaze to where the former Borg stood coolly watching the proceedings with a raised eyebrow. Her blonde head was tilted to one side, as though trying to grasp what was transpiring.

The doctor had relaxed slightly until the captain pinned him with another glare. "You have one hour to fix this…fiasco." At the last word, the captain's expression looked like she had bitten into a chunk of leola root.

The doctor sputtered. "You've got to be kidding! One hour? That's impossible!"

The air in the cargo bay suddenly dropped twenty degrees as the captain's voice lowered to a near whisper. "Tell me, do I look like I'm kidding?" She continued on after the barest pause. "You know, Doctor, your program takes up a lot of computer space and energy to run. Tell me, did you know that, DOCTOR?

"Yes, Ma'am. I mean, no, Ma'am." The doctor's eyes were glazed, not sure which question he should be answering.

Janeway flicked another glance at the former drone. "And two more things. Lose the high heels. She's plenty tall enough without those spikes, and this is NOT a fashion runway on Risa, for gods' sakes. I can't have her spraining her ankle every time she has to run from an alien, nor endangering the life of another crewman who has to try to rescue her. And speaking of running…" Janeway leaned into the doctor's space and hissed, "Ditch the 44DD padded bra. She could give herself a black eye if she had to run wearing that thing."

The doctor had the grace to look chagrined. "How did you know…?"

"One hour, Doctor." Janeway spun on her heel and strode out the cargo bay doors.

The EMH seemed in a state of shock as though someone had frozen his program. Chakotay almost felt sorry for him. Almost. He leaned over and whispered, "Doctor, I wouldn't stand there gawking, if I were you. The clock is ticking."

He caught up with Janeway before the lift doors. They faced forward, silently awaiting the lift's arrival. A peek out the corner of his eye showed the captain's features to be perfectly composed, no trace of the vitriol that had just poured out of her. In fact, Chakotay could swear there was a tiny twitch at the corner of her mouth. He cleared his throat. "Well. You certainly told him."

That did it. Her eyes sparkled and her shoulders began to shake with suppressed laughter. She shook her head. "If I believed in reincarnation, I would say I must have been very bad in a former life to be beset with this kind of harassment." She pinched the bridge of her nose, like a headache was hovering. "Can you believe it? I can't even imagine Tom Paris pulling something so juvenile."

"Well, I don't know about that one," Chakotay responded. There was a pause as he once again pictured that skintight silver garment.

Janeway turned her head in time to catch his expression. "Don't tell me you approved of that outfit?"

"Approved of it? No, but…" His eyes slid sideways to her before he bowed his head.

"But what? Out with it, mister." She was starting to sound like she was talking to the EMH again.

He sighed. "Just remember, you asked. I would like to…" Chakotay blew out a breath. She was probably going to take his head off.

"To what?" Janeway turned to face him, curiosity written on her face.

Lifting his eyes from the floor, he looked her in the face. "I'd like to see you wearing something like that."

Her eyes widened and pink stained her cheeks. The lift arrived and they stepped in, settling against the back wall. A stiff silence draped over them like a heavy cloak.

Without taking her eyes from the doors, Janeway said quietly, "You'd have to change the parameters a little. For one thing, her legs are longer than mine."

Chakotay swallowed, his eyes also glued to the doors. "I'm sure I could manage that bit of programming."

"And while you're at it, I look better in blue than silver."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Silence. Chakotay stole another quick look at her. She looked like she was fighting a grin. "What?" he asked.

"Actually…" She seemed a little embarrassed. "I wouldn't mind having that 44DD bra. I've always wondered what it would be like to have…" She trailed off, and glanced toward him as though to assess his reaction.

He snapped his eyes forward. Somehow, the air in the lift seemed hotter than before. "I'm sure the Doctor would be willing to, uh, save it for you."

More silence. "It would just be for on the holodeck."

"Of course."

"I would never wear such a thing on the bridge."

The image seared his mind, and his voice sounded a little choked. "Of course."

"Besides, my uniforms wouldn't fit."

He coughed. "Of course." Another look told him she was frowning slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Well, it's just that the Doctor is the biggest gossip onboard, and I'm not sure I want him to…" The lift doors opened to the bridge.

As he followed her to their chairs, Chakotay murmured, "I'm sure you could think of something, Captain."

One hour later, they were back in Cargo Bay Two. It felt a little like deja vu, only this time, the former Borg wore a plain all-black pantsuit of a similar design to the regular Starfleet uniforms. The silver turtleneck of her catsuit was visible over the jacket's neckline. Simple boots made her about three inches shorter.

The Doctor anxiously watched the captain's reaction. "Well, Cap…uh, Ma'am, what do you think?"

Janeway's face was expressionless. Then she turned to the EMH with a smile. "This is fine, Doctor, just fine. And 'captain' will do as well."

The EMH sagged, nearly melting into a puddle of relief. Chakotay watched as Janeway sidled up to the hologram.

"Actually, Doctor, there is one little thing." She leaned in and whispered in his ear.

The Doctor threw a startled look toward Chakotay, swallowed once, then nodded briskly to the captain. She smiled again, then patted the hologram on the arm. "Thank you, Doctor."

Once again, Chakotay stood beside his captain awaiting the lift. When the doors opened and they stepped inside, he inquired, "Were you able to acquire the, uh, item you were interested in?"

Janeway just nodded and kept staring straight forward. She obviously didn't intend to say anything more, but curiosity got the better of him. "Did you think of something to stop him gossiping about you?"

She nodded again, still staring at the doors. He felt a warning prickle run up his neck, that same sensation he'd often had in the Maquis that had alerted him of danger. He recalled the strange look the EMH had given him in the cargo bay. "Kathryn, just what did you tell him?"

Janeway bit the corner of her lip, and he knew he wasn't going to like whatever she said. He turned to face her. "Kathryn?"

She waited until the lift came to a halt. "I just told him you wanted it, Chakotay." The doors opened and she darted out.

"KATHRYN!!!"

The End

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© Brianna Thomas, April 2003 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.