ONLY HUMAN

"This isn't the first time you've left your station over the past few days. Holodeck two? You've logged a lot of time in there. Mind if I ask why?" Janeway received no immediate response, so she persisted. "Well, it must be something important, Seven. Forty-nine hours in six days?"

"I was...running a simulation." Her reply was hesitant.

"Of what?" The command tone was alive and well.

"A new gravimetric array I've been developing. I wanted to perfect the design before I brought it to you."

Janeway sighed inwardly. There was something in Seven's manner that was reminiscent of a child trying to please a parent. She said a little more gently, "I appreciate your efforts to improve our systems. But I can't have you dividing your time right now. When the ship's on alert I expect you to perform your duties. If you need to leave your post, inform Commander Chakotay. Understood?" It was important to reinforce the chain of command; Chakotay was in charge of personnel.

The young woman's eyes seemed to shift. "Yes, Captain. I apologize for my lapse in judgment."

Janeway spoke more kindly to her protégéé and gave a wry grin. "We all make mistakes, Seven. I've even been known to make a few myself."

Just before Seven exited the ready room, Janeway commented, "It sounds intriguing." Seven looked a little confused, almost as though she had forgotten what the conversation was about. "Your new gravimetric array. When this crisis is over, I'd be happy to take a look. Maybe I can lend a hand."

*****

Mistakes. To err is human, to forgive divine, so they say. Whoever they are. There were mistakes, and then there were mistakes. Make one while playing pool, and you lose the game; make one on the bridge and people die. Make one regarding a relationship and you can end up embarrassed, hurt and alone, and so can the other person.

Kathryn sighed and rubbed her forehead as her line of thought shifted slightly. Some mistakes were simply about misinformation. It was a general belief that Vulcans couldn't lie. Having known Tuvok for many years, she was well aware of that misunderstanding held by so many people, and had actually used it to her advantage on occasion. Like when Tuvok infiltrated Chakotay's cell within the Maquis and became a part of his crew.

Sighing again, she recalled her tongue-in-cheek comment to Seven in her ready room. Oh, yes indeed, she'd made a few mistakes in her time. More than a few, and it appeared that one of them had been to mistakenly assume it was not within the former Borg's makeup to lie. Well, it seemed that Seven was more human than Kathryn had given her credit.

She should have realized something was amiss when the gravimetric simulation was not mentioned again after Voyager's escape from the testing range they'd been trapped in. At least, not until she herself brought it up with Seven. There had been a slight hesitation before the tall blonde replied that her suppositions had failed and that she had deleted the program. Then the young woman quickly asked to be excused.

It hadn't taken a Starfleet counselor to figure out that something was off, and nothing grabbed Janeway's attention like a puzzle, so she went digging. Sure enough, there was the recently deleted program, vaguely entitled, "Seven of Nine, Alpha 3." Tom Paris wasn't the only hacker onboard, and Janeway quickly had the program restored and running again.

To say she was shocked was a major understatement. The rush of emotions had left her standing, gaping like a fish out of water in what appeared to be a holoprogram of extensive personal quarters, even nicer than her own as the captain. And then the Chakotay figure walked in and asked where Seven was, and if she was okay. Apparently the last time he had seen her, she had collapsed during an argument they had had, and Seven had summoned the doctor just before she lost consciousness.

Anger - more like outrage - offence, and so much more roared through Kathryn's mind in a flash flood that left her reeling. She ordered the computer to freeze the program and sat on the couch to sort through the deluge of thoughts careening through her mind.

This was what Seven had been doing while the ship was in danger. How could she?

There was a regulation against making holoimages of real people. How could she?

Seven knew of the special relationship shared between Chakotay and herself. Damn her, how could she?

How could she?

After several minutes of struggling to settle her thoughts, Kathryn had eventually sighed and left the holodeck, ending and resaving the program under an equally vague title, Janeway Delta 001. Really and truly, deep down she was forced to admit that she could understand all too clearly the emotions that motivated Seven to do such a thing.

When Janeway consulted the doctor, he refused to impart any information, citing doctor/patient confidentiality, so she went to the source. The confrontation had not begun well. Seven was offended and embarrassed, but as they talked the young woman calmed down somewhat. The regulation was obscurely cloaked in typically obtuse Starfleet lingo under the 'Miscellaneous' category, and the former drone had misunderstood both its meaning and application. Here was another error, and this one was owned equally by Janeway and Seven. They had both assumed that after all these years, the young woman fully understood all the Starfleet regulations.

Janeway suggested that if she wanted to explore social situations and relationships, that she compose fictitious holocharacters with whom to do so. She also recommended that the ex-Borg arrange some time with Commander Tuvok, a former instructor at the Academy, who would insure that Seven was clear in her understanding of all the lengthy Starfleet regulations so that this sort of thing would never occur again. As her friend and mentor, Kathryn could understand Seven's actions. As her captain, Janeway warned her that disciplinary action would be forthcoming.

When Janeway told Seven of her intention to inform Commander Chakotay, the young woman had been mortified and almost pleaded with the captain not to do so. Although appreciating Seven's embarrassment, Janeway knew she could not withhold this information from him, either from the personal viewpoint, or the professional. She had learned early in Voyager's journey through the incident of the traitor onboard, and again later with the Omega particles, that it was a mistake to exclude her first officer from matters pertaining to both ship and crew.

Kathryn knew that Chakotay was a very private man, and the big question was how would he react? While her relationship with him was still friendly, between one thing and another, they had not been spending the same amount of time together as they used to. What would he think? What was he feeling now? Kathryn admitted to herself that she was a little nervous, actually more than just a little. How would he respond to what she needed to tell him?

***** Angry.

That was how he responded, so much at first, that she briefly wondered if it was a mistake to tell him. He stood, hands on hips, glowering at the frozen figure of Seven's holo-Chakotay.

"What the hell was she thinking? Why…how could she…didn't she understand…?" The heat of his wrath was causing his sentences to fry, short-circuited before they could be fully uttered.

In spite of the intensity of the situation, Kathryn had felt a perverse urge to giggle at the initial exchange between the two Chakotays. Seven's figure had frowned dangerously and growled, "Who the hell are you?" just before the other Chakotay had snapped, "Computer, freeze program."

"Why would she do such a thing? Spirits know, I've tried to be friendly to her, but I've never given her any indication that I held those kinds of feelings for her!"

The strident voice brought Kathryn back to the present. She tried to explain. "Seven told me it was because of what happened in Unimatrix Zero. She's been feeling incomplete ever since being with Axum, and wanted to experience and understand more. She's lonely, Chakotay." Kathryn knew she didn't need to add the obvious, that both she and Chakotay were all too familiar with that emotion. "And I too must accept partial responsibility. I wrongly assumed that she understood the regulations. The problem was, so did she."

There was still heat in his glare but the rigid stance of his back relaxed somewhat. "All right. Fine. But why didn't she just make an image of Axum then?"

Kathryn shrugged. "I suppose because he's so far away on the other side of the Beta Quadrant, that first of all, it would emphasize the impossibility of a relationship ever becoming reality, and second, the very impossibility of it would make her feel even lonelier. Seven is still very uncertain in personal interactions."

His look told her he wasn't convinced. She tried to reassure him. "Of course, she didn't have access to all the data to create a real hologram of you, so she only created a romanticized version. She didn't sleep with your hologram - well, actually, she did, but only in the literal sense. She didn't have sex with the hologram."

"And is that supposed to make me feel better?" Chakotay shook his head in disgust. "She must have known that a real version of me would have told her exactly what she could do with all of this." The intense level of anger was gone but the edge was still there as he waved his arm around to indicate the program of Seven's fictitious quarters. He sighed. "Okay, so she didn't understand that you're not supposed to make holograms of real people and she wanted to safely explore personal relations. But why me? Why not someone closer to her in age, someone who's actually interested in her? Why not Harry?"

Kathryn looked away for a moment. She had wondered that herself, and had specifically asked Seven that very question. "She said that with me being her primary mentor, and you being my friend, that told her that you were a person - how did she phrase it?" Her eyes closed to better recall the exact words. "A person worthy of note, with many commendable qualities." She opened her eyes at his snort. "I think my relationship with you also said to her that if I trusted you, then you are indeed trustworthy and would treat her kindly. She was right about that, you know. Even if she'd had access to all the data available - your Starfleet file, your official and personal logs - to make a real hologram of you, I know that you - it would have let her down gently. Probably even taken the time to counsel her and help her in the right direction."

Chakotay shook his head and sighed again. "Spirits, I'm such a sucker. I probably would have, when I really should have been taking her head off. Sometimes I swear I still wish I'd spaced her along with all the rest of her Borg pals."

Kathryn laughed. "You know you don't mean that. And no, you are not a sucker, Chakotay, just a very kind, wonderful man."

Her first officer and friend looked at her in tender amusement. "So you're saying that I should feel honored by this. If so, then so should you." At her quizzical look, he elaborated. "If, as you say, she created an image of the friend of her mentor, that says the opinion of the mentor means a lot to her."

Kathryn shrugged. "I guess this felt safe to her.

They were silent for a few moments before Chakotay asked, "So what punishment did you give her?"

"Nothing."

"What! Kathryn, how could you not? Wait - let me guess. She's your precious protégéé and I'm just good old Chakotay. Do I really matter that little to you?" There was fury in his eyes and bitterness in his voice.

His words stabbed her. "No, Chakotay, no!" she exclaimed. "Exactly the opposite!"

"Explain."

He was using his command voice, and normally she would have remonstrated with him for taking that attitude with her. She was reminded that despite the kindness of this man, he was still the Maquis warrior. It had been her hope that wearing casual clothes would help ease the tension of this meeting, but no one, seeing his straight back, wide stance and the bristling, crackling authority would ever mistake him for anything but a powerful military man. "Chakotay, how could I discipline her without first consulting with you? It was you she…"

" - violated."

She winced at his sharp tone. "I know. And you and I can decide together what's a fair discipline for her. But she didn't do it maliciously. It was done unknowingly out of insecurity and fear. That's why she hid all this." Looking away for a moment, she added quietly, "And I'm no better."

He looked at her, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and blew it out. "Could we sit? Please?" At her gesture, he took a seat in the chair near the couch. She lowered herself to sit on its edge, trying to relax, trying to marshal her thoughts.

"I…" She stopped and sighed, her shoulders slumping at the impossible task of pulling all her ramblings into some kind of cohesive, logical unit. A wry chuckle escaped her. Logical. Right. A characteristic that aptly described Tuvok or Seven, even in light of this broken regulation. And how unlike what she was attempting to explain.

"Just talk to me, Kathryn. I know we haven't talked much lately, but surely we can still do that." His expression was intent, open, and his tone calm once again.

Leaning forward, elbows on her knees, her hands clasped tightly before her. "Okay. This is going to wander a bit, so…" She trailed off for a moment. Glancing at his still face, she began again. "When I first realized what Seven had done, I was angry and offended."

"Why?"

"For all the reasons that you said before, plus…" He stayed still, waiting, so she finally continued. "Plus I assumed she understood that you and I have a special…friendship." She looked briefly at his face; he was wearing his own version of the command mask.

"Go on."

Why was this so difficult? It shouldn't be this hard. Maybe a different angle would be easier. "You know how we've often referred to Seven as being a child or a teenager in so many ways?" She saw his nod. "Well, I realized it's even more than that. A teenager, or even a child, has a basis of normal relationship skills built up over time for their foundation. Seven never had that. Even before she was assimilated as a youngster, her parents spent years alone on their little ship, away from all contact with civilization. In a lot of ways, I can understand her anger and resentment toward them. She was robbed of any opportunity to develop normal childhood relationships. She's literally starting from scratch. This is the toughest, biggest, and scariest aspect of becoming human again. That's why she hid."

"Why did you say that you're no better than her?"

Even now he had that unerring ability to read her, to zero in on the crux of any issue pertaining to her. Biting her lip, she began slowly. "I knew I had no right, but at first, my anger was primarily because…" Kathryn looked down. Just get it out. She inhaled and the words galloped away before she had a chance to reign them in. "Because I felt like she was taking something that was mine." She couldn't look at him, but continued quickly at the sound of his movement in the chair. "I know, I know. Like I said, I have no right to feel that way. But I did. At least for a while. Then later, what I mostly felt was shame."

Kathryn became aware that she had been clasping her fingers so tightly that they were numb. She loosened them, and rubbed her palms back and forth across each other. The overhead light cast the shadow of her splayed fingers on the floor between her feet, reminding her of the games she used to play with her sister late at night when they were supposed to be sleeping. "Look, Phoebe, it's a rabbit. Now it's a chicken." Chicken. How apt. She stood and walked to the other side of the room, keeping her back to him. But that placed her facing Seven's holocharacter. The sight left her wondering if the scowl on its face was matched by one on the other Chakotay's. She couldn't bring herself to look. Chicken.

"I was ashamed because I've been hiding too, for the same reasons. Insecure, uncertain and afraid. Only I don't have the excuse that Seven has of no foundational knowledge of relationships to refer to." The sound of movement behind her told her he had risen. Her breath was coming in short gasps, and in spite of the fact that she knew she was in danger of hyperventilating, she couldn't seem to slow her breathing down. She closed her eyes. "I…don't want to…I can't…continue…anymore…like this. I care so…much…for you." The words seemed to squeeze out of her. "I…love you."

There. She'd said it. Tears seeped out from under her eyelids. A tiny voice that didn't sound at all like hers whispered, "I know you used to…care for me. Am I…too late?"

The feeling of his hands on her waist startled her slightly. She hadn't sensed him like she normally could.

"Hush, now." His voice was gravelly. One hand slid around and rubbed soothingly across her diaphragm. "Slow your breathing down." His lips were against her ear. "Kathryn, how could you ask such a thing? If you could only read my personal logs, you'd never question my love for you again." He kissed her neck, causing her to gasp. His arm encircled her waist, drawing her back against his chest. "Even last night, I recorded how it's you. It's always been you."

His other hand shifted the scoop neck of her blouse so his lips could find a certain spot. The warm touch sent a flame of fire through her and she couldn't prevent the small moan that escaped.

He murmured against the skin of her neck. "It's you that I want, have always wanted. It's you that I love."

The relief and joy that washed over her were so intense that she felt lightheaded. Her head fell back against his shoulder, exposing the column of her neck to those questing lips. They found the spot just behind her ear and she gave a small cry.

"Did you like that, love?" His voice was like black velvet.

She licked her lips and shuddered as his tongue touched that same spot. "No, I…" her voice wavered.

He paused. "No?"

"No, I love - ah, Chakotay." His teeth had nipped her earlobe.

He kissed it better, then swirled his hot tongue around it. "You love it? Tell me, Kathryn. Say it. I want to hear you say it."

Her fevered brain worked to form the words. "I love…Chakotay. I love Chakotay."

Her words acted like oil on fire and he spun her around, spread his feet and hauled her flush up against him. His mouth descended on hers almost violently, devouring her, all the pent up desire of nearly seven years crashing through. His tongue was between her lips, toying, mating with hers. It was a supernova charge to her senses. Some small part of her brain told her she should stop before things spun completely out of control, but she couldn't have stopped if she wanted to, and she definitely didn't want to. In spite of all the things she'd done wrong in her life, somehow she'd found heaven and didn't want to leave.

He drew back just enough to softly brush his lips over hers. "Say it again." His voice was husky.

She was breathing hard like she'd been running, gasping between kisses. "I…love…Chakotay."

That hot mouth of his crushed hers again, this time sucking on her lower lip, her tongue, sealing her mouth, claiming her as his. He pulled away once more. "Say it again."

It was impossible to prevent the small smile that pulled at her swollen lips. He was like a kid in a candy shop. "I love Chakotay." She could feel the curve of his lips as they swept against hers again and again.

"Say it again," he whispered against her lips.

They were both laughing softly, leaning against each other, heads together, breathing each other's airspace. "I love Chakotay." Her lips grazed his with the formation of each word.

"There," he murmured, "that wasn't so difficult, was it?"

It was more than she had expected, even more than she had hoped for. One of his hands skimmed down her back to cup her buttocks and press her to him, and their playful bantering tone shattered. "I want you, Kathryn." His lips were on her temple, his hands moved to her hips to pull her hard against him.

Oh, it was tempting, so very tempting, feeling the power of his desire for her, to not wait another minute, to grab it all now. It took everything in her to whisper with a shaky voice. "No. Not here. Not like this."

Chakotay took a shuddering breath to try to bring himself under control. He glanced over his shoulder at Seven's holo-Chakotay. "You're right. Not with that thing here. Although," he grinned wickedly and waggled his eyebrows at her, "it could be kind of interesting. Make him watch."

Kathryn leaned against him and laughed shakily. "You're bad."

He kissed her temple and cradled her against his body. "Bad enough for you. But you're right again. That's a little too kinky for our first time. Maybe later."

"Chakotay!"

He laughed outright. "It's alright, Kathryn. I want you all to myself, now and always. I'm sure I can keep things interesting enough for you without resorting to something like that." His voice was deep and sultry.

There was a sizzling tension in their teasing that ached to be explored. She rubbed her forehead against his shirt. "Pretty confident, aren't you?"

His hand ran up her back causing a shiver to course through her. "I've never had any complaints."

She had no trouble believing that. "How do you know I'll be able to keep things interesting enough for you?" Her tone was equally teasing, but the question was from her heart.

Chakotay cupped her chin and smoothed his thumb over her lips. His expression was of tender amusement. "Kathryn, you've kept me more than interested for nearly seven years. It's never been just about sex; it's about us having a life together."

The deep, thorough kiss he bestowed on her and the strong gentle arms holding her against his body reassured her once again. It would be so easy just to stay here and forget all about the reality of her ship, her crew and the journey.

"Well, Kathryn," he smirked, "it seems that you're about to break your last protocol by starting a relationship with a crew member." The tilt of his head indicated Seven's hologram, the ferocious frown still solidified on its face. "At least you still have one regulation intact. You've never created a hologram of a real person."

A dozen expressions flitted across Kathryn's face as she edged out of his arms. "You're right. I never have - until now. Computer freeze program."

The gentle, teasing expression on his face instantly became just as still as the frown on the other hologram. Reality crashed in on Kathryn with the words of the hologram before her, his face so dear. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Opening them again, she looked from the one hologram to the other. Her Chakotay. But not her Chakotay. It had been by overlaying her creation on top of Seven's program that had allowed him the ability to freeze the other hologram.

"Janeway, you are such a coward," she condemned herself. Hands clasped tightly before her mouth, her elbows and forearms came together in a long line of supplication. Yes, she had just broken her last regulation. A desperate giggle escaped her. At least she'd be able to tell the brass back home that she'd done a very thorough job. But as to the last protocol waiting to be shattered, well, that remained to be seen. But now she knew for sure where things stood; there were no more excuses or uncertainties to hide behind.

Did the end justify the means? With a sigh, she ran her hand through her hair as a quote from Thomas Hardy's, Jude the Obscure came to mind. "Do not do an immoral thing for moral reasons." Her lips pressed together as fear once again tried to creep in.

The frozen hologram stared blankly at her. "To err is human," she murmured out loud. "What will you say, Chakotay, about this very human captain of yours?" She looked down. No, he was already well aware of her weaknesses as a captain. This was about her weaknesses as a person, as a woman. As an insecure, and yes, fearful woman.

The rest of the proverb came to mind. To forgive, divine. Chakotay was such a spiritual man - how divine was he feeling tonight? The foundations of her life had always been grounded in science but tonight she was going to have confess a lot of wrong doings to the handsome man who had shared this strange journey with her for almost seven years. She grimaced slightly. The sins of omission as well as commission.

Many years ago as a child, she had studied Blaise Pascal, a man far ahead of his time in both mathematics and philosophy. An amazingly gifted life, sadly ended too soon by cancer at the age of 39 in 1662. A quote from his Pensées popped into her mind. "The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of."

Mocking herself, she uttered aloud, "My, aren't you just the philosophical one tonight, Janeway?" The quote re-echoed through her mind, flowing like calligraphy behind her eyes. "The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of." She thought of Pascal, his life unexpectedly cut short. Unpredictable things that you have no control over have a way of happening that can suddenly end life as you know it. What was that ancient poem? Something like, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that's why it's called 'the present.'"

Decision made, she lifted her head and called out, "Computer, location of Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

"Status?"

"Commander Chakotay is awake."

Kathryn bit her lip. "Is he alone?"

"Affirmative."

She closed her eyes, recalling her comment to Fear so long ago when she had confronted his clown image through the trio of people in stasis from that frozen planet. "Fear exists for one purpose - to be conquered." She laughed inwardly at the continuation of that thought. And Starfleet captains rarely succumb to fear.

Tonight she'd clearly heard what Chakotay's feelings for her were; there were no more excuses to hide behind. Taking a deep breath, she firmly hit her comm badge. "Janeway to Chakotay." Take that, Fear.

"Chakotay here. What can I do for you, Captain?"

Much, hopefully. She knew he had addressed her as captain in case she wasn't alone. "It's just Kathryn calling, Chakotay."

"Even better."

Hearing the smile in his voice, it drew a corresponding one from her. She could imagine those appealing dimples of his, the grin that she loved. "Are you busy? I know it's late, Chakotay, but I was…wondering if you would mind some company?"

"Not if it's you." He had heard the hesitation in her voice. "What's the matter, Kathryn?"

Her head lowered. Oh yes, he could always read her so well. There was concern evident in his tone and she felt the prick of tears. "Oh Chakotay, what did I ever do to deserve you?" She gasped slightly, realizing she'd spoken her thought out loud.

His voice was gentle. "Is it a Delta Quadrant Night?" They had comforted each other so many times over the last almost seven years, through what they had sardonically come to refer to as 'Delta Quadrant Nights.' Held each other's hands and shared the tissue box on those nights when the trials, the pain of the unending struggle to survive, the losses of friends and co-workers, and the stark isolation of this daunting journey seemed too much to bear alone.

"No, actually, it's a good evening. At least, I think it is. I hope it is." She could almost see his bowed head, pondering, wondering.

"Why don't you just come on over? Or do you want me to come to you?"

Closing her eyes, she lay hold of his voice like a lifeline. So often he had been just that to her, and now, hopefully, he would be so much more. In answer to him, she shook her head, as though he could see her. "No. I'm not in my quarters. I'll come to you."

"Where are you?"

"The holodeck."

"The holodeck? Well, you'd better hurry up and get here because I'm walking over to my replicator right now to order you a cup of coffee. Or is this a whole pot-visit and not just a cup-visit?" The teasing tone was back in his voice.

Deciding to throw him a real curve ball, she replied, "Just a cup will do for now. But who knows? Maybe after that I'll share some tea with you."

There was a pause. "Are you really the Captain Kathryn Janeway we all know and love?"

Once more, tears threatened. "I hope so," she whispered.

"Kathryn?"

It was time. Time to hit the road. Time to face the music. To face her destiny. Yes, as much of a cliché as it was, this was her destiny. "Keep my coffee warm, Chakotay. I'll see you shortly."

"Come on up. And Kathryn," he hesitated for a moment. "I've missed you. I'm looking forward to this."

Thinking of all she was going to tell him, she whispered again, "I hope so." A deep breath in. Just do it. Just say it. "I've missed you too." She heard his startled inhalation just before she closed the connection.

Kathryn slowly turned one full circle in the middle of the fake quarters, stopping to take in the two holographic Chakotays. "Computer end program." Everything shimmered away, and she walked out the exit without looking back.

The End

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© Brianna Thomas, October 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.