Dear Kathryn,

I know you haven't seen my handwriting often, only on your birthday cards and such things, but you can easily have the computer verify that this really is my handwriting. I'm going to leave this letter in the desk drawer in your ready room where you keep your pictures from home tucked away, and that should also help to prove it really is from me, but I know you'll still want to check it out. And now I've got you wondering, not only why I'm writing a letter to you with old-fashioned pen and paper, but why you should have my writing verified. The whole thing will seem pretty incredible since neither you nor even I will remember anything that I'm about to tell you in this letter. In fact, I'm not sure just how much time I have, but if I don't get this down quickly, I may forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence!

Have I peaked your curiosity yet? The scientist in you should love this, Kathryn. Well, I'll try to be succinct, but you know quite well how I can ramble when I'm telling a story. Yes, yes, I can hear you saying, just like I'm rambling now. Anyway, we encountered someone from a planet called Ramura. Don't bother to check the records, you won't find anything. I know that was a stupid thing to say, and if this was a normal recording, I would erase that part, but being pen and paper, I can't. Of course, I know you'll check the records - you are Kathryn Janeway, after all. And you'll check the sensor logs too, but you won't find anything there either. At least, that's what Kellin said and I'm sure she's not lying about this.

See what I mean about rambling? Okay, as I was saying, we encountered someone from a planet called Ramura, specifically a female named Kellin. She's what they call a tracer, the equivalent of an old Earth bounty hunter. Ramura is an extremely xenophobic planet; they wish to remain completely unknown to outsiders and they don't even allow their people to leave their homeworld. Sad, isn't it? Think of how much our lives have been enriched by contact with other worlds, and they miss all that. It's so opposite to Starfleet's basic guiding principle of exploration that it's a little hard to grasp.

Anyone who leaves Ramura is hunted down by a tracer and brought back, and the memories of their experiences are erased with a neurolytic emitter. So intensely do they guard their privacy that they have developed a cloaking method, both for their ships as well as a personal cloak, that the Romulans would envy. It utilizes a polarization technique that causes our scans to pass right through them like they're not even there - even B'Elanna can't figure out how it works. They have different computer viruses that are able to eradicate absolutely every ship's record of all their encounters. In addition, something in their body chemistry means that after they leave, the actual memories of the people they have been with will disappear in a few hours.

Hence the reason for this handwritten letter. The log you wrote on the holodeck after we met up with the Borg and Species 8472 gave me the idea. I'm sure both of our traditionalist parents would appreciate this; the old ways triumphing over technology.

Well, Kathryn, you're not going to like this but it seems we picked up a stowaway. And, until Kellin arrived to reclaim him, we didn't even know it. Furthermore, if Kellin's own cloak hadn't failed, we would never have known about it at all. She'd been chasing this fugitive for almost a year, so you can see how determined these people are. The runaway - Resket was his name - never asked us for asylum and, as much as we might sympathize with his desire to leave Ramura, we had to abide by the Prime Directive. The idea came to me of using a magnetron sweep, which worked to disrupt his polarization cloak. I think you were ticked at your ship being used as a getaway vehicle without your permission, and I also think you were a little unnerved that this could happen again without our sensors picking up anything. I'll bet that's what you're thinking right now, isn't it? I can't say I blame you, considering the way things have gone lately, between the Hirogen using us as prey, and those other aliens who turned Voyager into a laboratory. It's left us all just a little edgy at the idea of unknown beings waltzing onboard so easily.

All the same, the old freedom fighter in me was somewhat stirred at the plight of the Ramurans, a people so controlled and so cut off from other societies. But whatever the original reasons their closed society developed, nothing they've seen of the tempestuous and violent quadrant since then has made the authorities want to open up to the outside world again. Having lived through nearly four years of the Delta Quadrant, I can sympathize a little bit, and I'm sure you can too.

Anyway, back to Kellin. She's a bit of a dichotomy - not at all what you would expect in a bounty hunter. She is utterly determined and very dedicated (rather like someone else I know). Determined and dedicated - obviously, you would say, since she'd been tracking that fugitive on her own for almost a year. She's an expert in weaponry surveillance and has fighting skills to rival Tuvok's. Yet, she's very cultured, and in some ways, her pixie-like ears and soothing voice made me think of a more mature Kes. Quite simply put, Kellin is very beautiful. Strong, but feminine. I'm good at carving, but not drawing, or I'd do a sketch to show you. And before you ask, yes, she's a blonde. Just be quiet, you. Remember, all of my people have dark coloring, and I think that's why I'm drawn to light hair and eyes. You know what they say about opposites attracting, although my father would say it's just my contrary nature.

Harry just brought me a PADD containing details of a possible explanation and solution for the inadequacies of our shields against weapons and transports like the Ramurans', so I'm going to take a quick break to scribble this down on a separate piece of paper. You should have him look into this again. It appears that the Ramurans' weapons are very tightly focussed proton-based particle beams. Harry's idea is to scatter the beams a little by tying the baryon sensors into the deflector controls. Who knows? If it can prevent another visitor from the Delta Quadrant dropping in unannounced, I'm all for it. Hopefully, I'll still remember what I was talking about when I resume this letter!

Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yes, talking about Kellin. You probably think it sounds like I was attracted to her. I'll be honest; in a way, yes, I was. I'm not dead. When her cloak failed onboard, I was the one who caught her, which made me her primary contact, and I wound up spending a fair bit of time with her. In light of what amounts to her people's oppression of their own, I fully expected to dislike her. I was almost disappointed when I realized that I enjoyed her company.

I'm not immune to the attentions of a good looking woman. But more than that, the differences in our approach to life made for some very spirited conversations, and we both scored points that left the other thinking. I was disappointed when she informed me that within hours of her leaving, I wouldn't remember any of it, because I saw it as another opportunity to learn about a different culture. And that's all it was for me; a temporary diversion from the daily routine.

So, you'll understand that I was surprised - shocked, really - when just before she left today, Kellin came to see me and said she'd fallen in love with me. I could tell from the time she'd spent around all of us on Voyager that she was reassessing her people's covert society, but I really hadn't expected this. Hadn't seen it coming at all. I don't flatter myself that she's really in love with me. It's just infatuation as a result of being so isolated, between her homeworld's position and the year she spent alone tracking Resket. She wanted to know if I did - or if I could - return her feelings. She wanted to know if she came back again, was there an opportunity for us.

As much as I didn't want to hurt her, and as much as I enjoyed her company, I had to tell her no. I said that if she returned asking for asylum, that my captain would undoubtedly give it but that she needed to make the decision for herself, not based on any hope for a relationship with me. Because I couldn't give that to her. Because my heart already belonged to another.

You know what Kellin said to that? "Does your captain return your feelings?" Can you believe it? She was on our ship for only a short time and she already knew it was you that I care for. Makes me wonder what the crew sees, or if they're just used to it.

Does my captain return my feelings? How many times have I asked myself that? Sometimes I'm absolutely sure that you do, and at other times I hesitate. But today, as Kellin asked that question, I answered her with total confidence, "Yes, she does." Brazen of me, wasn't it? Yet, at that moment, I was filled with conviction that what I said was the truth, even though you've never said or done anything to specifically make me think that. And I also understand that maybe you never will.

So why am I telling you this, you ask? Well, for a couple of reasons. First, although Kellin appeared to accept what I said, there was a look in her eye that told me she may try something. Like coming back again, perhaps with a story about her and I falling in love. As I said before, she's a very determined individual - a tracer has to be - and she's used to getting her own way. So, that is a possibility you should be aware of.

The second reason has to do with protocol. Amazing isn't it? Me talking to you about protocol. Back when the Maquis first joined Voyager, I brushed up on the latest and greatest edicts from Starfleet, figuring I needed to be sure of them myself before I could enforce them with my former crew. I haven't looked at them again until today. I know I'm not telling you anything new when I say that I still have some lingering doubts about Seven of Nine joining "our collective." In the last several days I saw a few things in her that inspired me to sharpen up on the rules and regulations again, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to come down hard on her sooner rather than later regarding her attitudes and highhanded behavior. I've already figured out that the best way to get through to Seven of Nine is simply by the book. Since you and I haven't been spending as much free time together lately, I've had more spare time than I used to - and yes, that was a dig so feel free to take it as such.

And what's that got to do with anything, you ask? It's just that I'm not sure how precise the memory wipe will be, and it was only this evening, right before Kellin came to speak to me, that I got to the section covering fraternization within ranks. I thought I knew all about this, but I saw something I'd never seen before. Maybe this is why I answered her with such confidence.

It very clearly indicates that a superior officer is never to attempt to initiate a personal intimate relationship with a direct subordinate. But it doesn't say anything about a subordinate attempting to initiate an intimate relationship with a superior.

All this time, I've been waiting for you to move, to give me a sign, to say something. I don't know - ladies first, you're the captain - I just don't know why I felt it should be you. And of course, all this time nothing happened. So here I go, Kathryn. Brace yourself. Ready or not, here it comes.

I love you. And in case that's not clear enough for you, how about this? Even when I don't like you, I love you. Even when we're barely talking, I love you. Even if we never become more than friends, I still love you. But as much as I treasure our friendship - and believe me, I do - I want more than that.

I want to be your mate. If you don't feel you can marry me, then I want to be your lover. I want to go to sleep with you, to wake with you, to laugh and cry and fight with you. I've loved some women in the past and who knows, I may love others in my future, especially depending on how you respond to this letter. But I can assure you of this one thing - I will only ever have one soul mate, Kathryn, and that's you. You and I are knit together in ways I never dreamed possible for me. You complete me. Knowing you, sharing life with you is the most satisfying experience I've ever had.

I want you. I hunger for you. To touch you, to make love with you would be heaven. I do think you're beautiful, but that word doesn't do justice in covering how I really feel about you. I admire and respect you. You're one of the bravest persons I've ever met. When I'm with you everything is more intense, the focus sharper, the colors brighter. I know you're trying so hard to get us all back to Earth, but I'll tell you the honest truth, it's not home to me, and not because of Dorvan either. You are my home. I look forward to getting up every morning simply because I know I'm going to see you. The only thing that could make my life better would be seeing you even sooner each day. Like rolling over in bed to find you lying next to me.

I want to grow old with you. If we don't have children, I can live with that, but I would love to have a child with you. Hey, I'm not going to remember writing this letter, so I may as well go for broke, right? Seriously, I think you'd be a wonderful mother, and yes, I think - no, I KNOW - we could do it. We can have it all, if we want. If you want.

So, there it is, Kathryn. The ball is well and truly in your court. By putting this letter in the drawer with your pictures from home, I know that you'll find it sooner or later. And by then, I won't remember anything about this whole episode, not even writing this letter. So, you can pretend you never found it and I'll never be the wiser. Or, you can reach out and take what I'm offering.

My heart, my love, my body. My soul. All of me. It's all yours, Kathryn. If you want. No matter what you decide to do, always remember that I love you.

Chakotay

P.S. Just for the record, it's actually not blondes that I have a thing for. It's redheads.