RESOLUTIONS OF NEW EARTH

In the end, they were defeated.

All of their powerful arsenals, the best minds and the best technology could not overcome their enemy and the cost to Voyager was overwhelming. Both members of the ship's command team were lost, the heart and spirit of what Voyager had become - a family forged from two seemingly irreconcilable factions. The command team were now prisoners, and the key to releasing them was impossibly elusive to discover. Worst of all, there was no one to negotiate with, no one even to bombard or invade. The level of sorrow at the loss was equal to the level of frustration, because it was not superior weaponry that had defeated them. It wasn't a more powerful ship or an evil and cunning foe.

It was a bug. And the prison that held the command team in such an unbreakable grip was a beautiful planet. The planet's atmosphere somehow provided immunity to the effects of the bug bite that would kill the captain and commander if they remained on board ship.

The day they were sent down in stasis pods, Commander Chakotay asked the Captain whether she wanted the beige or the gray side of the panels for the shelter on the inside. She first informed him that there was no point in using rank titles here, and then told him to pick whatever he thought best for the color. She got her first taste of his peculiar sense of humor when he suggested alternating the panels for a patchwork effect. She replied that she didn't think that decorating scheme would help her tendency toward headaches.

Since she had the scientific background, it fell to her to coordinate with those on the ship to find them a cure and return them to their ship. She'd promised to get her crew home and she had no intentions of allowing a mere bug to stop her from fulfilling that promise. However, after prolonged efforts were unsuccessful, Voyager was forced to break orbit and sadly continue its journey homeward under the leadership of Acting Captain Tuvok. Voyager's best shuttle was left on the planet with the command team to enable them to catch up should they discover the cure.

When Voyager left them, Kathryn became even more desperate and worked even harder. It was now entirely up to her to find the solution, to find the key that would release them from their paradise prison, and with every passing second, Voyager and their family got further and further away. While Chakotay understood to a degree what was driving her, it concerned him all the same, and he told her that even the eagle needed to know when to sleep. She replied that she wasn't ready to give up yet.

Gradually, they began to get to know each other outside of the command setting. Kathryn found that Chakotay had a wicked sense of humor that would peek out at various times, usually accompanied by his rather devastating dimpled grin. He worked to make their living quarters more comfortable and the first thing he put his skills to was building a bathtub for her. They were comfortable, at ease with each other until the night the monkey first appeared. When Kathryn called from her bath saying that something was out there, Chakotay came running with a phaser. It had only been the inquisitive primate, but both Chakotay and Kathryn were suddenly aware that she was wrapped only in a towel. He looked at her the way a man looks at a desirable woman, not his commanding officer, and although she'd told him to forget about titles, it still unsettled her. It was a sudden and startling mental wrench for her since she'd spent the last two years being only the captain. In fact, during that time, she'd hardly ever heard her given name spoken by anyone. The most it was ever sounded was from her own lips, introducing herself to alien ships and planets in endless first contacts.

On one of her visits to her insect traps, the monkey warned her of the impending plasma storm. Even with the warming, and Chakotay's help, they barely managed to get to the shelter in time. They'd hidden together under the table for protection while the storm raged around them. The results had been devastating. When they inspected the damage, Chakotay could sense the discouragement and defeat emanating from Kathryn. All her equipment had been destroyed. Her comment was a bleak, "Well, that's one way of giving up."

The hard physical labor of clearing the debris from around their shelter caused her neck and shoulder muscles to tighten. It was fine at first when Chakotay began to massage them for her, until she became aware of the warm, gentle strength of his hands and that he was again seeing her as an attractive woman. A sense of panic welled up within her. She didn't even know where the woman Kathryn was any more, and if she wasn't the captain, then who was she? She suggested parameters and in return got the most beautiful story she'd ever heard, about an angry warrior who found peace in committing himself to a woman warrior. She questioned him, "Is that really an ancient legend?"

He looked a little sheepish but confessed, "No, but it made it easier to say."

She was profoundly touched, overwhelmed actually, and completely unable to respond. She held her hand out to him and they touched palms, then laced their fingers together. She realized that this wonderfully complex man had always seen her as more than just the captain, not just since arriving on the planet. He seemed to know Kathryn, when she wasn't sure she knew herself any more. She stood and moved around the table, still keeping their hands linked and managed to find her voice.

"I need time, Chakotay. I need to change my whole way of thinking about…" She looked away from those dark eyes for a moment. "Well, about a whole lot of things."

He still sat in his chair, looking up at her and smiled. "Time is something we seem to have in abundance here."

Over the next few days, Chakotay was frequently aware of Kathryn watching him. Sometimes he would smile at her and continue with what he was doing, but mostly he let her observe in privacy. She was often quiet so he knew she was doing a lot of thinking, which was good. In order to give her as much space as she needed, he would occasionally go off on short journeys to explore their surroundings.

Without her concentrating every moment on her scientific experiments, their evenings were free for more relaxing projects, which gave them opportunity to share details of their lives. He'd laughed at her tale of stubbornly walking miles home in the pouring rain after losing a tennis match as a child, and held her hand while she tearfully told him how both her first fiancé Justin and her father had died before her eyes in a shuttle crash. He made her laugh with his story of the heavy-handed Starfleet trainer Nimembeh, who had made him run 20 laps in his uniform and boots for not assembling his phaser quickly enough. They both shared stories of Boothby, the Starfleet gardener, who in spite of his irascible personality, had become a friend to Kathryn and Chakotay's boxing coach. Chakotay spoke of the loss of almost his entire family and community to the Cardassians, and Kathryn told him about her short time as a prisoner of the Cardassians, her horror and yet guilty relief that it was Admiral Paris who was subject to their torture, not her.

Another plasma storm hit them, less violent than the first, yet they still dove under the table, clinging together as their small shelter rocked around them. Clean up was a little less physically taxing this time. The storm had broken the humidity and the evening was clear and quiet. As usual, Chakotay had cooked, so Kathryn tidied up. She stepped out of the shelter to see Chakotay sitting on a rock with his feet on a smaller one in front of him, gazing at the bright sky. She approached with a little trepidation. "Can I join you?"

He smiled. "It's a free country. Pull up a rock," he gestured next to him. He returned to gazing at the stars.

"What are you looking at?" She settled herself on the rock next to his.

"Well, I thought since we've called this planet New Earth, perhaps there might be similar constellations we could name here." He grinned at her. "We might find 'Kathryn's Dipper.'"

"Or instead of Orion's Belt, maybe Chakotay's Belt," she tossed back.

"Maybe."

"Perhaps instead of The Scorpion, we'll find The Beetle."

"There's a wonderful thought."

A few minutes of looking up had made her neck start cramping and she lowered her head. She bit her lip as she considered something. "Chakotay?"

"M-hmm?" He was still looking heavenward.

"Could you rub my neck for me, please?"

He looked at her, saw the hesitancy, saw the effort she was making to break out of her mold, to change her own parameters. He took his feet off the small rock in front of him. "Why don't you sit here?"

The position put her somewhat between his legs, which at first made her uneasy, but his firm, yet gentle touch began to relax her. He talked about one of the long treks his father had made him take as a youth that he had hated at the time, yet now all those skills he'd absorbed without knowing were proving useful. He suddenly bent his head beside hers, viewing the sky from her perspective. "Look." He pointed along their line of sight.

Kathryn watched a falling star briefly whiz through the sky before winking out. She became aware of the closeness of Chakotay's face beside hers and felt something stir within her. She wasn't willing to put a name to what she was feeling just yet, and decided not to analyze it. The time for that would be soon, but not right now.

The scent of Kathryn's soap or shampoo reached Chakotay as he bent near her. All it would take would be for him to turn his head and… He straightened up and resumed his massage of her tight muscles. He wasn't going to push. She had opened up this much, and as he had said to her, there was plenty of time.

It shattered the dam. She turned to wrap her arms around his waist and buried her face against his chest as the sobs broke from her. He closed his arms around her shoulders and held her gently, stroking her back, letting the storm play out. When she began to calm, he reached into his pocket for the tissues he'd replicated. She accepted them gratefully, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. "Still being the good first officer." Her voice was husky.

He shook his head. "No. Just a good friend."

She looked ruefully at his saturated shirt front. "I'm sorry. I cried all over you."

He undid the clasp that held her hair and pocketed it before running his hands through her hair. He rubbed gently at her temples, being pretty sure that the bout of weeping, however much needed, had probably given her a headache. "Do you think all the long walks I take are just to explore our planet? Replicated tissues have become standard equipment for me."

She was dismayed she'd been so caught up in herself that she hadn't recognized his grief. "You should have told me. I'd have helped you."

He shook his head again. "You were busy trying to find us a cure, plus you needed to get to this point yourself."

Her lips started to tremble again as she whispered, "I can see all their faces, not just our senior staff, but all of them, even the difficult ones. Plus, I just plain miss Voyager." The tears were flowing again so he wordlessly handed her another tissue.

Her grin was shaky. "Thanks." She looked aside, reflective. "You know, when we were on Voyager, there was always the possibility of getting home. Now there's nothing. I…" She wiped at her face again and took a deep breath. "This will sound stupid coming from a grown woman, but I miss my mom." Her face crumpled again and he pulled her back against him. "I miss Phoebe. I miss my dog, Molly. And I miss Mark."

She could feel his chest move under her face and heard a strange sound from him. She looked up and was astonished to see him unsuccessfully trying to stifle laughter.

He couldn't stop chuckling. "I'm sorry, Kathryn," he apologized at her shocked expression. "I don't mean to be insensitive. But you listed your dog before your fiancé."

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in amazement. The ridiculousness of the situation crept over her and she clapped her hand over her mouth as the laughter began to bubble up. Soon there were more tears, but this time because she was laughing so hard. He laughed back at her and handed her another tissue, which just made her laugh more. Still smiling, she stretched up and kissed his cheek. "Thank you. I needed that."

He smiled down at her. "You're welcome."

She became quiet again. "You know, I've had a lot of time to consider things over the last two years. I'd probably be married now had it not been for the caretaker, and while it might just be sour grapes, I'm really not sure that our marriage would have lasted."

He resisted the urge to hold his breath. "Why do you think that?"

She shrugged. "Mark and I had known each other almost all our lives. He was safe to turn to after my father and Justin died. It was a comfortable relationship, no surprises, no lows, but no highs either. No challenges. Except when it came to my commitment to Starfleet. Mark's a philosopher, so his explorations are all internal, while my drive was to explore the galaxy." She grimaced a little. "I didn't know I was going to wind up exploring quite so much as this. But he could never understand that and although I think part of his appeal was the very fact that he wasn't involved in Starfleet, which meant less chance of losing him like I lost Justin, I still think that difference would have eventually became a real issue for us." She studied the mangled tissues in her hand. "I think part of the reason I've hung onto Mark for so long was that letting go of him seemed like letting go of the whole idea of getting home."

He hoped he wasn't pushing it. "Well, I see one good thing about getting tossed into the Delta Quadrant." At her inquiring look he took her hand. "We became friends." He looked around him. "This could have been worse, Kathryn."

"How so?"

He grinned at her. "You could have wound up sharing quarters for life with a Bolian."

A couple of days later Chakotay told her he was going for a walk. He took a com badge with him in case she needed to get in touch with him. Kathryn decided the time had come for some serious thinking and went outside to sit on her rock. She drew her legs up, pulling her dress over them like a tent. With her arms wrapped around her legs, she set to the task at hand, a little self-analysis. They hadn't even had a counselor on board ship, much less here. The monkey wouldn't be much help to her and although she knew Chakotay would be willing to listen, part of this concerned him so she needed to do this herself.

The biggest question as she saw it was, who was she? All her life had been dominated by Starfleet, what with an Admiral for a father, and her intent had always been to join the organization. After about 20 years of hard work, who was she now that she wasn't a Starfleet captain any more? Unlike most of her peers who would grow older, receive any advancements and commendations coming their way and then eventually retire, her captaincy, her career had been unexpectedly wrenched from her. She laughed out loud a little bitterly at the irony of it. She hadn't died on the "battlefield" at the hand of an enemy. No, she'd been destroyed because of a bug.

So, once again, who was she?

There was no one to command here. Nothing to control. Maybe that was the real issue. The complete lack of control over what had happened to bring her to this point, and if there was one thing she was well aware of about herself, she hated being out of control, and so far the Delta Quadrant had rendered her life nothing but that.

She wondered about Chakotay. What an extraordinary individual he was. He too had lost his command, his ship. He'd even lost the cause that had made him so radically change his life. What he'd done in leaving Starfleet and joining the Maquis had been for principles, a measure of his own integrity. More sacrifices on his part, yet in the Alpha Quadrant he was considered a criminal. He'd already lost his family, his home, his friends, all his possessions, and now, it had happened once again. Yet he accepted it gracefully. What was that ancient terran phrase? Something about making lemonade if you're handed lemons. He'd admitted to having his own times of grieving at what he'd lost, yet he was adapting to what was handed to him and not fighting it. Hence his life bore an overriding sense of peace, something she'd already learned to value in him as her first officer.

Her first officer. Like she owned him. Her ship. Her crew. Something hit her and it wasn't a pleasant realization about herself. There was a large, rather ugly slab of pride that was fighting a slow death, like something pinned. Like one of her elusive bugs. What was she here? A pioneer. A companion and, all right, may as well say it, potential lover to another individual in exactly the same situation. What was her purpose in life now that it was no longer to get her crew home? Just the satisfaction of living life well to its fullest simply for its own sake. No one to commend or criticize her actions except the one individual who was sharing this fate.

Fate. If you believed in that. At times Kathryn was sure that if there was a higher power, it was having a good old laugh at her expense, because her life certainly seemed like one big joke. Only she wasn't laughing. She knew that Voyager and her crew would have been declared lost long ago, and undoubtedly most of the families and loved ones were on their way to working through their grief. The impossibility of leaving this planet meant she had no choice but to accept the impossibility of ever getting home, and that meant she was going to have to go through that process too, as much as if her loved ones had died. She ached with her own pain and for theirs as well.

What of Chakotay? The only possibility for her in terms of a friend, a companion, a lover, was him. She could certainly have done worse, she smiled wryly to herself. He was gorgeous, kind, funny, strong in so many ways. He was capable, in fact, in his element here, which in a lot of ways, made him the leader. There was that inner serenity to him that was palpable, juxtaposed with an equally discernable passion, which was amazing considering the things she knew of his background, of what he had suffered and lost. That powerful passion had come through the view screen when she first encountered him and had the force of a physical blow in person. To say nothing of an incredible sexual magnetism. She'd hardly let herself acknowledge it at the time, but he was a very attractive man. Subsequently she had also learned to respect him as a leader and as a human being.

Kathryn shifted on the rock and stretched her legs out before her. Should have picked a more comfortable spot for long navel gazing. She thought back to his "ancient legend." He was incredibly brave, had made himself vulnerable to her and acknowledged deep feelings for her with no guarantee of her reaction. Now the ball was decidedly in her park. What did she feel for him?

Was she attracted to him? That was an easy yes. Did she like him? Yes, again. Did she admire and respect him, even rely on him? Absolutely. Did she enjoy his company? Certainly. She smiled to herself as Chakotay's words popped into her head about sharing quarters with a Bolian. But did she love him? Her smile faded. She was old fashioned enough that she wouldn't consider sex with someone just because it was convenient, or because she was lonely, or even because he was the only other person on an entire planet, and it might be that way for life.

She knew that although she still loved Mark, she was no longer "in love" with him. The alien they had encountered had been correct when he had said to her in the guise of Mark that another was in her thoughts. Although she had not been physically unfaithful to Mark, her heart no longer belonged to him. In fact, if it were Mark she were stranded with at this point and Chakotay were still on Voyager, she would desperately miss him, far more than she was missing Mark now. If she were still on Voyager and they were both not in command, would she be willing for a relationship with him? Willing? Hell, she'd seek it out. She realized that she really could not imagine being without him beside her, seeing him daily, sharing the ironies of life with him. Did she love him? It may have crept up on her from a peculiar, unexpected angle and she may have been forced by the circumstances to acknowledge something that on Voyager could have remained dormant for who knows how long, but the short answer, the simple answer was yes, she did.

She straightened her spine. Somehow the acknowledgement lifted a tremendous weight from her and she actually felt lighter. She eased herself off the rock and stood, rubbing her backside. She stretched her arms over her head and arched her back. As she turned to begin to walk back to the shelter, she stopped.

Chakotay sat on a rock a short distance away. Kathryn smiled. How like him, staying close enough to be there in case she needed him, but far enough away to give her privacy. She walked over to him.

He was relieved at the slight smile on her face when she saw him. As she approached, it seemed that something was different, but he couldn't say what. Something was settled within her. When she stood before him he asked, "Has that become your 'thinking rock'?"

She smiled. "I guess it has. Back home in Indiana on my parents' property there was a particular tree I always went to when I needed to think."

He looked at her carefully. "You okay?"

She grinned ruefully, "Yes, except for a case of 'numb bum.'" At his raised eyebrow and slow grin she added, "And don't even think about offering to massage it for me."

A full smile broke out on his face. "Did I say anything?" he protested innocently.

"You didn't need to," she retorted, still grinning. "Your smirk gave you away."

"I'll have you know I was not smirking," he smirked. "I just like to be useful and help out wherever I can."

"Yeah, right." Her expression became more serious and she held her hand out to him. "Actually, Chakotay, I was wondering if you would be able to help me with something."

He took her hand. "Anything."

She looked at their hands and then back at his face. "I need help saying goodbye."

Kathryn took one of the flowers and let it fall into the river. The current picked it up and began swirling it away. "Goodbye, Mom," she murmured. Her eyes began to prick with stinging tears. She let another flower fall. "Goodbye, Phoebe." The tear trailed down her cheek.

Another flower. "Goodbye, Molly."

And another. "Goodbye, Earth."

She slowly allowed the remaining flowers to fall to the water, all but one. "Goodbye, Voyager." Her breath caught on a small sob.

One last flower. She held her hand over the water and opened her fingers, watching the flower fall. "Goodbye, Mark."

Chakotay stepped forward and one by one, said his good-byes, to his sister, his cousin, his friends in the Maquis, Dorvan, and finally Voyager, his last home. When he looked at Kathryn, her eyes were shining with tears, but she seemed calm and met his gaze easily. He was pleased and touched that she had wanted to do this and allowed him to share it with her. He extended his hand to her and she took it. They turned in silence and began the walk back to what was now home.

The setting of the sun barely seemed to make a dint in the heat. The emotional evening and the unrelenting humidity had taken its toll, and after a subdued dinner, they both retired early.

Chakotay awoke part way through the night soaked in sweat, the air still and breathless. The blind at his small screened window was open to try to catch any breeze that might be drifting by. There was an occasional puff of air, almost like a small exhalation, but the breeze felt hot, so it did nothing to cool him. Even his boxers seemed like too much and he wished he could sleep nude, but that wasn't possible while sharing space with Kathryn. He hoped she was able to sleep. Perhaps her side of the shelter was picking up more of the breeze.

Feeling the slight buzz of a headache, he got up and quietly navigated his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. He didn't usually get headaches, so he was certain this was simply from the heat and slight dehydration. With all he had perspired, it wouldn't be surprising. He moved soundlessly on bare feet, careful to make no noise in case Kathryn was actually sleeping. After a couple of glasses of water, he heard a small sound from behind her partition that he couldn't identify. He knew she often had headaches, and if he was afflicted, it stood to reason she might be, so he stepped towards her sleeping area.

The small sound reached his ears once more. Was she crying again? He knew she had to make the adjustments herself, but while he didn't want to invade her privacy, he also didn't want her to feel alone. He moved around the edge of the partition to check on her.

The reason for the sound was that indeed there was a bit more of a breeze coming through Kathryn's small window. Like him, she'd opened the blind and it was this that was tapping on the window edge. Not only was the breeze coming in, but the open blind allowed the moonlight to stream though, and although everything was washed in colors of black, white and silver, the vision that lay before him was as clear as if it had been daylight.

The unexpected sight hit him so hard he had to lean against the partition for support. He felt like someone had punched him in the solar plexus and completely knocked the wind out of him. His knees didn't want to hold him up.

Kathryn's nightgown was tossed in a heap at the foot of the bed. She lay on her side at the edge of the bed facing him, the sheet having slipped to her waist. She was naked. Her head rested on her one arm, while the other lay across her breasts, just obscuring them from his eyes. Her long hair streamed backwards across the pillow. He'd never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

He could see from the even rise and fall of her shoulders that she was asleep and some part of his mind began to scream at him to move, get out of there and get back to his own bed. The message had almost reached his feet when with a small sound she rolled onto her back and her arm slid to her side. His breath strangled in his throat and he was immobilized again. The sheet had slipped further, almost to her hip bones and her upper body was totally exposed to view. Her breasts were small, high, the tips dusky against her creamy skin. Her shoulders were narrow, arms slender and waist tiny. The desire that slammed into him had the force of a shuttle crash.

Something in her breathing changed and once more his brain screamed at him to leave, NOW! He had turned to go when he heard her voice. "Chakotay."

Caught.

He would have to apologize, explain somehow without turning around again or there'd be no hope of him getting out of there. He would apologize, any moment now, if only he could find his voice, make his mouth form the words.

"Don't go."

Her words penetrated his scrambling brain, stopping him. Had he really heard that, or was it only what he wanted to hear?

"Chakotay, don't go. Please."

There was no doubt now, but he could still hardly believe what he was hearing. His head seemed to move on ungreased gears as he looked back over his shoulder. She was back on her side, only this time propped up on her elbow, looking like some ancient Grecian goddess, hair streaming around her shoulders, one lock tantalizingly touching her breast, the sheet barely covering anything now. Her expression was of shy desire and when she raised her arm to hold her hand out to him, he knew he was lost.

Somehow his body turned. Somehow his feet moved and somehow he made it across the room. He saw his own arm reach out from his body toward her hand like he was watching something foreign. When he took her hand, the heat of the contact seemed to return him to his body with a rush. He sank to his knees beside the bed.

Lying at the edge of the bed, she was only inches from him. Her eyes were huge in her face, silver in the moonlight. Her tongue peeked out to lick her lips nervously and the sight stabbed at his groin. He knew she'd been engaged twice, but he wondered about the extent of her experience. His hand moved slowly to her hip on top of the sheet, feeling the heat of her body through it. He watched her face for any hesitancy as his hand began to slid down her thigh, taking the sheet with it. The slight rustle of the sheet was loud in the quiet of the night.

Although she looked a little shy, she made no move to stop him or to hide from his gaze when he finally slid the sheet all the way off her. His heart was pounding and it felt like all the oxygen had been drained from his lungs. She was small, delicate looking and beautiful. When his hand returned to her hip, her heard her breath catch in a small gasp. His hand slid along the smooth skin of her inner thigh and pressed her leg until it lifted up, knee bent, foot flat on the mattress behind her. She was totally exposed to him now. Moving slowly, he began to lean forward toward her center. When he was close enough to feel the heat coming off her, to smell her arousal, he glanced up. Her eyes were wide, lips parted and her breath shallow as she realized his intent.

When he pressed his lips against her, a small cry came from her. Their first kiss, the most intimate kind of all. She felt the brush of his hair against her thighs as he angled his head to almost chastely kiss her, repeatedly brushing his lips against her rapidly moistening folds. When his tongue joined in to explore her, she began to shake and he slid his hand from her thigh between her legs to cup her bottom and hold her to his mouth. He began to pleasure her in earnest, sliding his tongue around and through and in, the wet sounds increasing along with her shuddering breaths. His finger lightly stroking at her slick opening and the swirl of his tongue at her point sent her over the edge. Her cry seemed to come from deep inside and went on and on. He slid one finger inside her to feel the pulsing grip.

He lifted his head from her, his finger still inside as he let her come down. She was small and tight inside and he could feel the aftershocks rippling through her. When he looked up at her, he knew the picture of her arched back and throat, breasts heaving with gasps would stay with him for life. He slid his hand from her and eased her onto her back. He lay his head against her belly, her damp spring of curls touching his chin. Pressing open mouth kisses against her flat stomach, he murmured soothingly to her, "Sweet, Kathryn. So sweet." It was the first he had spoken since arising from his bed what seemed like hours, or a lifetime ago.

His hands were at her sides, cradling her. As he continued to press slow kisses against her, her hands came down to stroke his hot face and damp hair. Never had she climaxed that quickly or intensely. Maybe it was the two-year abstinence, the power of this giving man or both, she didn't know. As she felt him tenderly kiss his way up her body, she knew he wasn't finished yet, and wondered how she could take more. When he reached her breasts, he didn't go for the nipples, but kissed the soft skin of her fullness, almost nipping her as he gently squeezed his lips together. His forearms rested on the mattress against her body, thumbs lightly brushing the sides of her breasts.

He began to lick her breast like an ice cream cone, starting at the full base, slowly upward to the already pointing tip, to flick his tongue off it, and then lifted his mouth to begin again at a different spot until he had licked all around her breast. It was almost agonizing stimulation and the sounds pulled from her seemed to come from someone else. As he kissed between her breasts and began the same assault on the other one, she almost exploded. She had never had anyone take such time with her, nor had she ever been so close to coming just from having her breasts kissed. He slid one hand between them to brush her damp curls and then lower to stroke her heat. He wanted to prepare her for him, so when he closed his lips around her nipple, sucking hard, he slid first one, then a second finger inside her. The sudden jolt sent her into an even more powerful climax, bringing a cry from her that was almost a scream.

Before she came down, Chakotay moved between her legs, having shed his boxers, pressing slowly, slowly into her. He wasn't going to last; it had been too long for him and he wanted her too much, but he desperately tried to go easily for her. Two years was a long time and he knew she'd be sore in the morning no matter what he did, but he wanted to make that discomfort as little as possible. But her heat and her responsiveness to him were shattering his control. He drew in ragged breaths as his head rested beside hers on the pillow. When she closed her arms around him, stroking down his back to his buttocks and murmured in his ear, "Just let go, Chakotay," he lost it. He began to thrust into her, groaning as he felt his control completely break and the release come from somewhere deep inside. Her hips were arching to meet his and he felt her spasms continue around him.

An eternity later, her heart rate was only beginning to return to normal when she heard him whisper, "Are you alright?"

It took all her energy to reply, "If I'm still in the land of the living, yes."

Somehow he found the strength to lift his head and look down at her. So beautiful, hair damp at her forehead, long lashes resting on cheeks he could see were flushed even in the semi-darkness. Her tongue poked out to lick her lips and a realization struck him that caused a chuckle to rise in his throat.

Her eyes opened at the sound. "What's so funny?"

He grinned at her ruefully. "I just realized I made a grave omission."

She looked a little confused. "How so?"

He shook his head. "I haven't even kissed you yet."

She smiled a little slyly. "Well, not these lips, anyway."

A slow smile spread across his face, "Perhaps I should remedy that."

"Perhaps you should."

She could still taste herself on him when his lips touched hers. He made love to her mouth the same as her lower lips, light gentle kisses, deepening to open mouths, tongues tangling, sucking, again and again. He lightly nipped her lower lip before plundering her mouth some more, seeming unable to get enough.

She was amazed to feel him stirring within her again. "So soon?" she murmured.

He grinned at her. "You inspire me."

She was surprised that he didn't begin to move but seemed content to stay still inside her, lightly kissing her. Sensing her wonder, he pulled back enough to look down at her. "Kathryn, I know it's been a very long time for you and you're going to be uncomfortable in the morning. Tonight has been a precious gift, more than I expected, but I'm in no hurry. We have the rest of our lives here together."

She was beginning to realize what a special man Chakotay was and her hand came up to cup his face. Her thumb stroked his cheekbone and then her fingers traced his tattoo.

"Do you feel how good we are together, Kathryn?" he murmured. "I was made for you and you for me." Their kisses were soft and gentle, not enflaming. Eventually his erection diminished and he withdrew from her. "Back in a minute." She watched as he walked around the partition to her sleeping area, unconcerned about his nakedness. She heard him moving in the main area and he returned with a damp cloth. He sat beside her on the bed and pressed it gently between her legs. She was touched at his thoughtfulness.

When he was done, he handed the cloth to her, saying, "Here, hold this." He easily swept her into his arms and carried her out of her sleeping area.

Surprised, Kathryn quickly wrapped her arms around his neck.. She'd never been carried naked by an equally naked man before. The feeling of their skin against one another and his arms around her nakedness was exotic. She could feel his chest muscles pressed against her breast, his arms under her thighs and around her back "Where are we going?"

"My bed. I think yours is one big wet spot."

"Good thinking."

He paused in the kitchen area for her to toss the cloth into the recycler before proceeding around the partition to his sleeping area. They settled against each other, spooned, her back to his chest.

"Chakotay?"

"M-hmm?"

"That was absolutely incredible."

He slid his hand down the back of her arm, lacing his fingers with hers. "For me too, love."

"I had no idea it would be like that."

He swept her hair aside and kissed the back of her neck. "I did," he whispered. "Rest now. It'll start getting light soon."

There was the weight of a hand at her waist so she rolled carefully and came face to face with her new lover. Her mate. The dark eyes were on hers, and although she saw tenderness in that gaze, there was also wariness.

She reached a hand to brush his hair from his forehead. "Hi." Her voice seemed a little croaky.

He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "Hi, yourself. How are you feeling?"

"Okay right now. Guess I'll find out more when I go to sit up. Have you been awake long?"

He shook his head. "Just a few minutes." He wondered how she was feeling about all this.

Kathryn slid her hand from his and brushed his lips with her fingers. The sensation caused his tongue to flick over them. There was a new heat in that gaze. "You have very beautiful lips, Chakotay."

A grin tugged at the lips in question. "The better to kiss you with, Red Riding Hood," and leaned forward the couple of inches to do just that. He rolled back to his spot and took her hand again. "Are you okay with what we've done?"

How like him, don't leave things hanging, just get things straight and clear. "Yes. As long as you are," she replied. The wary look being replaced by a leaping flame and the hand that caressed her cheek told her what she needed to know. She leaned her head into his hand for a moment before speaking again. "You weren't the only one to make an omission last night."

He quirked his eyebrow to her, "What did you miss?"

She watched him carefully. "I forgot to tell you," she paused.

"What?" The slightly wary look was back, and she couldn't allow that, couldn't let him be unsure.

"I forgot to tell you that I love you."

He closed his eyes briefly as a full smile broke over his face. When his eyes opened, the look there was one of joy and love. "And I love you."

She felt something nudging her stomach and looked down at his beautiful strong body. The sight of his morning erection caused her to sit up for a better look. She regretted the sudden movement as her body made its protest known about the night's unusual activity and she slid back down to her elbow. Her eyebrows shot up and she continued to stare. "Wow. That's impressive." She was surprised when a glance at his face proved he was blushing. "I didn't get a chance to really look at you last night. How the heck did you get that in me? You're huge!"

Chakotay shook his head with a slightly embarrassed laugh. "Kathryn, you're amazing." He kissed her cheek. "Actually, I was very afraid of hurting you."

"I'm okay."

He'd seen the way she'd quickly lain back down after briefly sitting up. "Not as okay as you'd like me to believe. Why don't you stay here and I'll go get some water in your bathtub so you can have a soak."

She smiled. "Now there's an offer I can't refuse."

In the days that followed, they learned each other in new ways. Chakotay discovered that Kathryn had an unexpectedly playful side. She would tease him or sometimes ambush him with a water fight while they worked. Kathryn expanded her spiritual experience with Chakotay's help in a couple of vision quests. On the home front, they rearranged the shelter to push the two small beds together until Chakotay could build them one big one. He was already talking about building a proper house sometime in the future.

The days slid by smoothly while Chakotay worked on projects and Kathryn expanded their garden since they knew the replicator would give out eventually and needed to be preserved as long as possible. She also set about cataloguing the flora of the planet and recording the weather patterns. Kathryn found a type of grass that was soft, yet very strong and worked well for weaving. They took occasional shuttle trips around the planet, checking out the world that was now theirs. On a rare rainy afternoon, they sat at the table working on indoor projects. Chakotay rose to go to the kitchen with his empty mug, and she handed her coffee cup to him with a smile. As he returned her replenished mug before her, he bent to kiss her thoroughly before returning to his own work. No words had been uttered, but so much had been said.

Their evenings were quiet, talking, sharing their lives, Chakotay sometimes working a sand painting or a wood carving. And their nights were spent loving, touching, physically exploring and learning each other. At times their loving was wild and tempestuous, leaving both of them exhausted and dripping with sweat. Other times it was so heartbreakingly gentle and tender that one or both of them ended up in tears.

One afternoon as Chakotay bathed in the river after working on their new bed all day, he surfaced and smoothed his hair back out of his eyes. It was growing out of the regulation military cut he'd always worn and Kathryn had said she liked it longer. As he cleared the water from his eyes, he saw her carefully picking her way in bare feet across the stones to the water's edge. She caught his eye and slowly began to disrobe. The cool of the stream lost its effect on his body and his breath caught as he realized what she was doing and that she was doing it for him. Although she looked a little shy and a blush spread over her face and neck, she held his gaze and continued until she was naked. She carefully entered the water and walked toward him until they were inches apart. "Kathryn," he breathed, just before his mouth took hers in a searing kiss. Their hands skimmed over each other, caressing, pleasuring until they were both breathing hard. He eased them deeper in the water until it was easy to pick her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. The buoyancy of the water made it easy to hold her and he slid into her. They moved together, thrusting against each other, creating their own waves by their passion.

"I love you," he cried out as he exploded inside her, feeling her clench around him as her back arched. He felt like he'd been given the most precious gift in the universe.

Later that night as they lay together, Kathryn's hand stroked his shoulder. "Chakotay, do we have the equipment to do a tattoo?"

He looked at her in surprise. "I don't believe so. Why?"

She glanced at him and then back to her stroking fingers. "Well, I was thinking I would like your tattoo on my shoulder. If you don't mind, that is."

"Kathryn." He was immeasurably touched. He tipped her chin up so their eyes met. "Do you understand what that means?"

"I think so. Partly, at least. It's taking your tribal symbol and says that I belong to you. That we are bonded. Am I right?"

He nodded. "There's more, but that's mostly it. You would want to do that?"

"Yes. We can't be legally married as we know it, but I thought something would be appropriate. If you agree." She looked at him a little uncertainly. She hoped she hadn't insulted him or his traditions.

He kissed her and smiled gently. "I would be deeply honored to have you share this symbol. As I said, I don't think there's anything, but we can check the medical supplies on the shuttle tomorrow to be sure. And if there isn't, we can do something else by way of our own joining ceremony."

The next morning they headed for the shuttle. They didn't find what they were looking for, but Kathryn came across a case that caused her to sink to the floor in silence. Chakotay turned to see what had caught her attention. He looked at the open container sitting beside her. "Kathryn? What is it?"

She didn't answer him at first, just held her hand out to him. He took it and sat on the floor beside her. She finally looked at him. Her expression seemed a little sad. "Chakotay, when is your next booster due?"

His booster? Her question came so out of the blue that it took him a moment to figure out what she was talking about. His contraceptive booster. "Two more months. What about you? Are you on the booster?"

She nodded. "Oh yes. Female officers are encouraged to be on the booster wherever possible. Unfortunately, sexual assault and its consequences are a reality for women officers who come in contact with alien and often hostile species. I've got a month left."

She pulled the container over to him and he looked inside. Among other medical supplies were a number of male and female boosters. She clarified for him. "I don't know who packed this, but there's 12 for each of us - 6 years worth. Since we're not having sex with anyone else, we could make them last 12 years if only one of us uses them at a time."

He began to see where she was going with this and his heart began to sink. It hadn't occurred to him, but it should have. She met his eyes and her face was immeasurably sad.

"I always thought I would have children at some point. And I know you'd be a wonderful father, but…" her voice caught and she looked away. "I just don't see how we can here, Chakotay. I…"

She was biting her lip and he wrapped his arms around her. He felt the sorrow engulf him. "I understand. I don't like it, but I agree."

She pulled back to look at him, "You do?" He nodded slowly.

Kathryn looked close to tears. "Both my mother and my aunt had difficult pregnancies and deliveries. Mom had an emergency delivery with Phoebe. She actually lost a baby after Phoebe, so the doctor told her, no more." She glanced sadly at Chakotay. "It could be very dangerous for me, Chakotay. I'm sorry."

He hugged her close. "I would never take a chance risking you, but it's more than that. What kind of a life would there be for children here? The way I was raised, it's more than just the parents involved, the whole community is. Any child or children we might have would only have us and themselves for companionship and education. Here, there would be no possibility of them finding mates for them to have their own offspring, plus we would be consigning them to the same fate as us."

She looked at him, not understanding. "What do you mean?"

"We weren't immediately aware of what had bitten us that trapped us on this planet. There would probably be little hope in preventing that from happening to our children. It's one thing for us to be here and completely another to deliberately put others in this situation."

She leaned her head against his chest in despair. It seemed the two of them would truly be living out their lives here in solitude, unless unexpectedly joined by some outsiders, who would in turn become trapped if also bitten. Something else living on this planet had cost them.

They took another trip to the outcropping over the river. This time they carried only one flower each. Without words, Chakotay and then Kathryn tossed their flower into the moving water, sadly watching them float away.

In the days that followed, Chakotay continued to muse on a joining ceremony with Kathryn. Even though they could not be parents here, he knew regardless, she was his mate. He began a new project in the evenings, carving something very small from a circle of wood. When he approached her about the ceremony, she smiled the first real smile he'd seen in a few days.

"Actually," she looked up at him, "I've been working on something for you."

He was surprised. "You have? What is it?"

Kathryn grinned. "I'm not telling. It's for our ceremony. When shall we do this? And where?"

Two nights later they stood in the clearing before their shelter under a full moon. Chakotay began. "I love you, Kathryn. I've never known the kind of peace that I have when I'm with you. All the streams of my life have led me to this point, have led me to you. You are my mate, my soul mate. You complete me. I am yours, body and soul. I will love you, honor you, protect and support you all the days of my life. My life will be complete so long as I can live it with you." He took her left hand and slid something on her third finger.

Kathryn gasped as she looked at the carefully crafted, delicately carved wooden ring that bore the symbol of his tattoo on it. She took his left hand and held it against her heart. "Feel my heart beating. It is for you. I love you, Chakotay. I am more because of you. I am a better person because of you. I am yours, body and soul. You are my mate, my husband. No matter what life brings us, I will share it with you. I want my life to be spent with yours." She tied something around his wrist. When he held it to the moonlight, he could see it was an intricately woven bracelet made from the grasses she had found. He took her face in both his hands and kissed her.

About a week later, Chakotay came to Kathryn when she was weeding the vegetable garden. "I have something I want to show you."

She dusted the dirt off her hands as she rose to follow him to the shelter. "What is it?" He seemed rather excited, and it was infectious.

"Something I've been working on." They entered the shelter to the open area where he swiveled the console around to face them. "I'm pretty sure I can build this."

Kathryn realized she was looking at the schematics for a boat. "Oh, Chakotay, we could explore the river. This is wonderf-"

A strange crackle cut off her last word. A sound they'd not heard for a long time, so long a time that they hardly recognized it. Chakotay recovered first and lifted both their com badges down from the shelf and placed them before Kathryn. They no longer knew which one was which.

An antidote had been found. Voyager was returning for them and would arrive in thirty-two hours. Their solitude was over. So was the life they had built for themselves on this planet, their planet. Hardly knowing how to feel, Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay.

The expression on his face was stricken, almost horrified. He met her gaze with an unreadable look, turned and left the shelter. Kathryn let him go, knowing he would have to work this through on his own. He'd loved this place, had settled himself to making a life here, and to suddenly be expected to return to the demands of command on board a starship full of individuals depending on them was a huge adjustment. She could give him the space he needed to do that. After taking a few deep breaths to settle herself, she began packing. She could use the time to begin her own mental adjustments.

She felt numb, could hardly even think. The packing was a nice mindless activity so gradually her brain began to thaw. At first she felt torn. It had taken her so long to accept that her life was now here, but had eventually rejoiced to find Kathryn again. A new, revitalized Kathryn who had emerged from the shroud of two years of being buried under the captain. Now she was being called upon to return to that role. It was tempting to run and hide, but that was impossible. Just as it was impossible that she could ever be just the captain again. Now she had Chakotay and together they would make sure the captain never again usurped Kathryn.

She wasn't surprised when he did not appear for lunch so she ate lightly and continued packing. The possibilities and positive aspects of returning to Voyager began to surpass all she would be losing in leaving New Earth and she felt anticipation begin to bubble up within her. However, something kept niggling at her, so late in the afternoon she finally went to sit on her rock, her "thinking rock," as Chakotay called it, and let her mind focus.

It was Chakotay, his reaction. His beautiful face, the one she loved so well. She could see his expression in her mind just before he'd turned to leave the shelter. She tried to define what she'd seen there. It had been full of despair, like something precious had been lost. Dinner time was approaching and he still had not returned. She stood and began to pace. Again she saw his expression clearly in her mind and suddenly she understood. She quickly returned to the shelter to get her shoes and headed out. If only she'd thought it through earlier. All these hours…

She knew exactly where he'd gone. At the small rise above the river, she found him sprawled at the foot of a tree, a mangled flower beside him. He was despondently fingering the woven bracelet she'd tied there, the symbol of their love and commitment.

As she crouched beside him, he raised hollow eyes to her. The sorrow in those eyes caused her eyes to fill and choked the words of comfort she'd meant to speak. He gestured feebly to the lily-like flower beside him. "I'm trying, Kathryn. But I don't know how to do it. I don't think I can say goodbye to everything we have here and go back to…"

She watched him turn away and struggle for control. She had to end his torment and right now. "Chakotay, you made vows to me. Are you going back on them now? Are you divorcing me?" She gave him a wobbly grin.

His eyes snapped to her, the confusion evident. "But, Voyager is returning. We have to go back to command…" he trailed off.

She reached and touched the bracelet around his wrist. "Chakotay, I promised to share life with you no matter what it brought us. Yes, we have to go back to command Voyager but I know I can't do it without you wholly in my life. I'll lose Kathryn again if I don't have you there to balance me. I need my husband," she whispered.

Chakotay's face now bore the look of a drowning man who had been offered a rescue he could hardly believe was real. "Kathryn, are you saying…" he couldn't finish.

Kathryn took his face in her hands, searching his eyes. "Chakotay, don't you see? We can have everything by returning to Voyager. Yes, it'll be hard at times. I'll always be terrified of sending you off on dangerous missions, and you'll probably always be overprotective of me, but we can handle it if we're together. We can have Tuvok properly marry us before he turns over command, if you want." She brushed her fingers over his forehead. "You can give me that tattoo. The doctor's there so we can have children and sure, it's not the ideal place for them, but they'll have that community you spoke of and -"

She didn't get a chance to finish for with a cry, Chakotay threw himself into her arms, tumbling them to the ground. He wept, releasing the shadows of empty despair for the joy that lay before him. Kathryn held him, her own tears dripping on his hair as she bent her head to kiss him. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay. If only I'd realized sooner what you were thinking, I could have spared you all this pain." She stroked his face and when he finally stilled, she murmured, "All better now?"

He took her hand and kissed it. "Spirits, Kathryn, I thought I'd lost you." His voice was thick. "I couldn't see how I was going to sit beside you on that bridge every day and never be able to touch you again."

She kissed his eyes, swollen from crying. "I couldn't do that either, love. I've grown mighty fond of that big beautiful body of yours and I rather enjoy being able to have my wicked way with you any night I choose." She'd succeeded in making him smile, which was what she wanted, so she pushed at him. "Come on. You left me to do all the packing, so the least you can do is make me dinner," she teased gently.

Chakotay stood and held his hand out to her to pull her up. "My pleasure, Captain."

She kissed him quickly. "The pleasure part comes later, Commander."

As they walked down the hill together, Kathryn speculated, "What kind of a betting pool do you suppose Mr. Paris has running about our return?"

Chakotay put his arm around her and pulled her close. "Whatever it is, he's going to collect big time, probably more than he ever expected. Maybe we should bet on ourselves as soon as we get back so we can cash in too."

Kathryn pulled him close for another kiss. "I'm definitely betting on us, and I'd say it's a sure thing."

The End

Feedback? Please.

Back to Blue Alert Back to Brianna's J/C Fiction

© Brianna Thomas, October 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.