AWAKENINGS

"Captain on the bridge!" Harry's voice called everyone to attention.

The captain walked slowly down to the lower level and looked around her. Her gaze took in not just each of her officers standing at attention for her but the bridge itself, as if seeing it for the first time. She didn't say a word and it wasn't until she and the first officer sat in their chairs that everyone relaxed.

Chakotay looked across the console at her. Her expression was a little bleak as she looked out the view screen at the planet. "Ready to go?" he inquired.

"It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me, I never would have known that I had another life."

He knew she was hurting. "Are you sorry I showed up?"

She finally looked at him fully. "Not for a second."

He expected her to withdraw for a time and was prepared to give her space to adjust, even to grieve a little. So he was surprised when she suggested lunch in the mess hall, and although at times her attention drifted, she talked with him and spoke to a number of others as well. The next day, Tom invited several people, including the captain and the commander, to his and B'Elanna's quarters to watch ancient cartoons on the rigged television set. He privately told the commander he thought the casual silliness was just what everyone needed, and Chakotay agreed with him. Chakotay was further surprised when the captain not only accepted the invitation, but also asked him to stop by for her so that they could go together. They sat on the floor with a number of others and shared a bowl of popcorn. Kathryn actually laughed occasionally, but he could sense from her overall quietness, that although her eyes were on the screen, at times her mind was far away.

He knew it would take time. He was just relieved she wasn't shutting him and everyone out to try and do it alone. He knew she and B'Elanna had met a couple of times over the first week, and he was pretty sure it wasn't all talking shop. She actually seemed to seek him out at times, although occasionally when they were reading reports together he would catch her, padd in hand, staring into the distance at nothing in particular.

He'd wondered at first if she was only comfortable with him in group settings so he was pleased when she accepted his invitation to dinner. There was a small, fleeting sign of the old captain he knew when she teasingly verified that he was doing the cooking, and not Neelix. It had been very brief, but it still encouraged him. Unfortunately, one of the repairs, juryrigged in Engineering while the doctor had been hiding the ship in the nebula, decided to come undone, and Kathryn's expertise had been needed to help abort another potential warp core overload. It had taken the whole evening. Kathryn had assisted B'Elanna by crawling into some of the spaces the very pregnant Chief Engineer could no longer navigate.

Still, Kathryn was very quiet. It was as though all of her reactions were tempered by an overriding sadness. She spoke, she interacted, even laughed, but everything she did was somehow muted. Almost as though Tom's television had suddenly gone from color to black and white. She spent a fair bit of time in her ready room, but not exclusively. He briefly offered to listen to her anytime, and she actually smiled and thanked him, so he left it at that. She either would or she wouldn't take him up on his offer, and he had a feeling it would be the latter.

So he was again very surprised when in the middle of going over reports together in her ready room one afternoon, she asked if his offer to talk was still open. He assured her it was, so she asked him to meet her that evening in Holodeck 1 at 2000 hours.

The program was one of hers he'd never seen. It was a beautiful meadow of white flowers, blowing in a gentle breeze. It appeared to be late afternoon in the program, although the sky was still a beautiful blue. Much like a certain captain's eyes. There was a pathway through the meadow that led up a hill to a copse of trees, so he followed it.

He found her there, clad in a pair of blue jeans and a plaid shirt, sitting on the ground looking over the valley. She hadn't said anything about dress, so he was glad he'd gone for casual as well. He sat beside her. "This is beautiful. Is it anywhere specific?"

She didn't look at him but continued gazing out at the scene before her. "Yes. It's Indiana. Actually, about 50 miles from my mother's home. Tom gave me this for one of my birthdays. I haven't used it often. Sometimes I just can't bear it and other times it's exactly what I need."

She paused. "Listen." They were both silent. Chakotay could hear the breeze through the trees and the chirping of birds. He watched her. Her eyes were closed as she listened and the fading simulated sunlight washed over her face. She looked pale and tired and he wondered if she was sleeping. Considering her problem with insomnia under normal circumstances, he would bet not.

"There were no birds on Quarren. No animals of any kind that I saw, not even a pet. There was no grass, no trees, just concrete and steel and belching smokestacks. The sun hardly ever shone there, it was always cold. And I was happy." She shook her head in disbelief and finally glanced at him. "Obviously I was brainwashed."

He grinned at her. "Obviously."

"Can you imagine me being satisfied monitoring reactor coils?" She snorted indelicately. "That's as ridiculous as suggesting that B'Elanna would be content planting tulip bulbs for the rest of her life."

He laughed outright. "No, I can't imagine either of those things."

Her expression sobered. "The really terrifying thing is that if you hadn't come for me, if you hadn't succeeded, I would have been content doing just that and never known any difference. It's incredible what kind of manipulation can be done to the mind."

He shrugged. "Think of what happened to Tuvok, myself and the other Maquis with Teero. B'Elanna didn't even care that I shot Tom right in front of her. Think of what happened with me and the Vori. The mind is a powerful thing and can be used for great good but it can also be used to effect great evil. And there's little that is more evil than controlling others for selfish gain."

She watched the sun begin its descent for a minute before finally looking at him fully. "I haven't thanked you properly for getting us all out of there - for getting me out of there."

"You're welcome, but the credit has to be shared by a number of people, including Jaffen." He watched her to see her reaction but her eyes flickered only for a moment. "If he hadn't helped, neither of us would be here now."

She nodded slowly. "Yes. And a lot of people would still be trapped in lives that weren't their own, including almost our whole crew."

"And potentially many more lives as well," he added.

"How do you think everyone is adjusting?" She knew he was as good as Neelix at having a finger on the pulse of the crew.

"Very well. Everyone seems tremendously relieved to be back home on Voyager."

She looked back at the changing sky. "Ironic, isn't it? Jaffen helped to free me and in so doing, caused the end of our relationship."

"He's a good man."

"Yes. He is." She was silent for a long while. "Did you know that I offered him a position on board?"

He hadn't known and something stung within him. He forced it down; this was not about him. "Obviously he didn't accept."

"He's one of the ones who actually did go there for a better life. Considering how ugly that planet is, I hate to think what he came from." She paused. "In the end, our being there benefited him as well. Due to all the suddenly empty positions, he got a nice big promotion."

"He also got to know Kathryn Janeway. That's a pretty big benefit."

Kathryn swiveled her whole body around to face him. "But that's just it, Chakotay, don't you see? That wasn't me! It was a memory-wiped, brainwashed, programmed me. He never really got to know me," she tapped her chest with both hands. "The way my memories were altered predisposed me to respond to someone like him, effectively keeping me content. You know me, Chakotay. Since when am I likely to move in with someone I've known for a little over two weeks?"

Her agitation evaporated and she sighed. "He was so much like Mark, really almost his exact duplicate. It was comfortable, easy. No stress, no responsibilities. I felt safe." She sighed again and looked away. "I miss that, being that relaxed."

Chakotay leaned forward to take her hand. "Kathryn, it's okay to miss him. The feelings were real. Like you said on the bridge, it felt real to you and that's what counts."

Her face crumbled and she took a shuddering breath as she pressed trembling fingers against her lips. She swallowed and took another breath before answering. "I'm not really sure if I miss him or just being that close to someone. It's nice, you know, to be that close. Very comforting."

He nodded. He did know. "Did you know there's a term called 'skin hunger?' We need to be held, to be touched. Something in us shrivels when we don't get that. In fact, centuries ago, a study was started on some orphan infants to see how they would develop as they grew if they were given no more touching than just to supply their basic needs."

Kathryn looked horrified. "How awful! How did they develop?"

He shook his head. "They never found out. Every single child died. I believe the term is, 'failure to thrive.' That's how essential touching is to us. As young, we can't survive without it; as adults, it leaves an aching hole that nothing else will fill, no matter how much booze, drugs or possessions we try to substitute."

Kathryn bit her lip and looked down. He was still holding her hand. That ache was within, lonely, hollow and empty. "Chakotay," she began uncertainly, "would you…?" She couldn't look at him.

He could see her hesitation. She had opened up more than he would have expected, and while he didn't want to push her, he didn't want her to stop either. "What, Kathryn? Would I what?" He'd said long ago he would make her burden lighter and if it was within his power to do so, he would.

"Would you hold me?" She looked up in time to catch the stunned expression on his face and stood up quickly. "I'm sorry. I've overstepped. Forget it. I…"

He still had a hold on her hand and wouldn't let her go. He tugged until she reluctantly looked down at him still seated on the ground. He rose to stand beside her. "Kathryn, I need that too." He tugged some more and then his arms were wrapped around her shoulders, hers around his waist. It was a safe, friendly gesture, less intimate than if he'd put his arms around her waist, which would have left her arms to go to his shoulders. They stood there, still and silent, both of them drawing and giving comfort. He could almost feel his soul sighing with relief. He did need it too, but he knew that providing her with a need to fill would allow her to open the door to seeing her own need met.

Her head was pressed against his chest and he murmured against her hair. "You can't know what it was like, Kathryn, to arrive back at the co-ordinates and find no Voyager. We searched and searched and when we finally found the ship in the nebula, it was obviously severely damaged, had been in a serious battle. Then we got on board to find the entire crew gone. No life support. No one there at all except the doctor. By the way," he glanced down at her briefly, "he really does deserve a commendation for how he handled himself. The ship would have been taken had it not been for him."

She nuzzled her face closer into his chest. "I know. I've already made a note on his record."

"I was almost frantic. We had no idea where all of you were, whether you were still traveling in the escape pods, if you'd been taken prisoner, if you were still alive, if you were being tortured, if you were on board some ship flying further and further away from us. And we couldn't move anywhere with the ship in such damaged condition."

His fear and his frustration came through in his tone and she felt his arms tighten around her. "When we finally got underway, we could only hope we were going in the right direction. It took days to finally find you and then when we did, we met with more obstacles. They refused to let us see any of you, talk with you. When Neelix and I finally made contact we discovered no one remembered us, or anything about their lives on Voyager. It seemed like an unending line of roadblocks. We'd overcome one, only to be faced with another more difficult one." He recalled the awful sinking feeling inside when he'd first made contact with Kathryn, only to realize she didn't know him at all. He'd felt almost desperate. He smoothed his hands up and down her back, unsure if the comforting gesture was for her or for him.

"You did it, though," she soothed him. "You got us back."

He held her a little closer, allowing the release of the agitation he'd felt just in the retelling of his side of things. He allowed his hand to stroke the back of her head, feeling the silky strands slide through his fingers. "There were a couple of times, just for a fleeting moment mind you, when I was tempted to leave you there."

Her head pulled back sharply and she frowned up at him. "Chakotay! Why? When was that?"

It was his turn to soothe her. "It was just for a moment each time. The first time was when Neelix and I first saw you and Jaffen in the bar. Neelix commented on how happy you seemed and I could see it was true. You were more relaxed than I had seen you since New Earth."

The mention of that brief idyll where so much had nearly happened between them caused a stabbing ache inside her and she leaned her forehead back against his chest. "And the other?"

"The other time was when you told me you and Jaffen were moving in together." The pain in his heart when she'd told him had been worse than the physical pain from the wound in his shoulder, but her joy had been evident, and for a split second he'd thought of just slipping away. "You seemed so happy, so content."

"What made you change your mind?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Selfishness, stubbornness partly. You are the captain, the life of this ship, and I couldn't imagine being without you. It just seemed all wrong, somehow. Plus, at the time, I had no idea just where Jaffen fit in all of it, if he was also a victim or part of the scheme."

She was touched by his declaration and looked up into his face. "I'm glad you didn't leave me there, Chakotay. I meant what I said on the bridge. I don't regret for a second that you showed up."

He looked down into that beautiful face he cared so much for and felt his heart stir in a way he hadn't allowed for a long time. He bent his head and lightly kissed her temple. It might be skirting the perimeter of friendship but he figured it should still be within the border. Just. He moved away and tugged on her hands again to sit. "How long did you book the holodeck for?"

"Computer," she inquired, "how much time is left?"

"There is one hour and thirteen minutes left on this booking," came the disembodied voice.

The sun was just a faint glow on the horizon and the temperature had dropped. "Kathryn, do you mind if I make one temporary addition to your program?"

"Be my guest."

"Computer, create a medium sized bonfire, continuous burning," he commanded. The bonfire appeared, providing instant heat and light. He leaned back against a nearby log and Kathryn sat next to him, shoulders touching, both of them stretching their legs before them toward the fire. This was the most that they had talked in such a long time. "I haven't told you, have I, that I've had a feeling recently that we're going to get home soon."

She looked at him. "Really?"

He nodded. "It's not based on any particular thing, just this sense that our journey isn't going to last much longer. I've done a couple of vision quests about it, and again, although there was nothing specific, I came away with a definite sense of hope, unlike I've felt on this whole trip so far, even when we've had what we thought were real opportunities."

Kathryn regarded him seriously. She'd known him long enough to trust his instincts, and in fact, his instincts had often made the difference between life and death for her and the crew. "Well, you know the old Earth saying, 'From your mouth to God's ear'."

He grinned at her. "Who knows. Maybe sometime soon you'll be able to visit this place for real."

She grinned back, the first real smile he'd seen since her return. "That would be great. Want to join me? We could have a real bonfire there and watch the sun go down. Of course, that's assuming we don't get back in wintertime. Indiana winters can be pretty brutal."

"Great. Just the thing for a boy from a hot climate."

"Softie." She hadn't teased him in so long, it felt wonderful. They sat quietly regarding the flames for a couple of minutes. "You're right, you know." She picked up their earlier conversation. "It was all wrong. The foundation of everything, my relationship with Jaffen, our satisfaction with our jobs, our lives there. It was all a based on a lie, based on life-histories that never happened."

"Kathryn," he chided her gently, "there's no point in denying the feelings you had for Jaffen. You said it yourself; it felt real."

She turned to him and laid her hand on his wrist. "Chakotay, I'm not denying I had real feelings for him. It's just that…" She paused and looked away for a second as though trying to figure out how to describe her thoughts to him. "The first night I was with Jaffen, we sat in the living room."

He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this, but carefully made no move that would stop her talking.

"He asked me if I felt comfortable with him. I told him I couldn't remember being as comfortable before." They both chuckled at the idea of a person with a stripped memory making such a statement. "Actually, when I think back now to a number of the things I said during that time, considering the circumstances, they seem downright funny. Anyway," she bit the corner of her lip. "When I told him that, I did this." She leaned forward and stroked her fingers over his tattoo and down the side of his face.

Chakotay's breath froze in his chest. She had never touched him like that in the seven years they'd known each other. She'd patted his arm, his hand, sometimes his chest or shoulder. She'd even touched his chin when she'd been trying to comfort and encourage him during his strange boxing vision while trying to communicate with the aliens to figure out how to get the ship out of chaotic space. But she'd never touched him with that kind of intimacy, never, ever touched his tattoo.

Her hand still cupped his face. "Don't you see, Chakotay?" she whispered. "I was looking for you."

A thought flickered through his mind and heat enveloped him. Before he could dwell on it, she dropped her hand and continued. "I don't know what to call what happened to us. Assimilation?" With lifted eyebrow she looked at him, inviting suggestions.

He nodded. "It's as good a word as any. Although on Quarren, no one was physically mutilated nor forced to perpetrate evil against anyone else, still, both with the Borg and with them, you were forced into a life not of your own choosing."

She seemed to change directions. "When Jaffen came on board to say goodbye, he brought me a couple of things to remember our time together. I told him I didn't need souvenirs to remember him, and I do want to remember him."

Chakotay felt like he was poised at the edge of a precipice, ready to either plunge to his death or fly like an eagle. "Why?" His voice was a little hoarse.

She took both his hands in hers, looking into his face earnestly. "Because that memory will remind me how close I came to losing us and not even knowing it. You know how Tom and B'Elanna were naturally drawn to each other? Well, I believe that had you been on board when we were all assimilated, Jaffen would never have happened."

He was soaring, gliding, swooping among the heavens. With their uncanny ability shown over the years to tune into each other, she had just given voice to his thought. "Kathryn," he breathed and she was falling into his arms again, only this time her arms were around his neck and his around her waist, pulling her tightly to him. She half lay along his body and there was no way of hiding from her how he was feeling.

Her face was so close to his, all he had to do was turn his head. Finally, after all these years, he was going to kiss her. When he turned to her, he met her fingers on his lips. A brief surge of frustration flowed over him, but was immediately washed away when he realized she wasn't stopping their kiss; she was kissing him. The look of longing in her eyes was unmistakable as they focussed on his mouth. Her fingers glided lightly over his lips, touching, exploring, outlining. It tickled slightly and he captured one finger in his mouth and nipped it. He was rewarded with her gasp and the flare of passion in her eyes.

"When I offered Jaffen a job, I told him I couldn't have a relationship with one of my crew." Her voice was a little breathless.

He took hold of her hand, stilling her fingers for a moment. "Did you want him to accept your offer?"

"No, not really."

"Then why did you?"

She slipped her hand away from his and returned to stroking his lips. The urge to kiss him was overpowering, almost overwhelming. "Because after what he'd done to help all of us, if he had wanted to leave Quarren, I felt we owed him the opportunity. Chakotay?"

"M-hmm?"

The sound was a buzz against her fingers that made her shiver. "Did your feeling about us getting home soon happen to come with a time frame?"

A slow smile spread over his face and his own fingers came up to "kiss" her lips. "Not specifically."

"Two years?" He felt her lips move against his fingers.

"Less than that."

"A year?"

"Sooner than that."

"Six months?" The anticipation in her voice was impossible to miss.

"Certainly within six months."

She closed her eyes on a sigh and lowered her head to his chest, content to lay along side of him. "I'm tired, Chakotay." He tightened his arms around her and stroked her back. He knew she didn't mean only right now, but overall, and it was amazing to hear Kathryn Janeway admit such a thing.

She continued. "I'm tired of fighting, of wondering who next is going to shoot first and ask questions later."

"Or not bother with asking questions at all."

She sighed again. "Right. I'm tired of worrying about where we're going to find the supplies to continue to survive and whether the next mission will fail, the next trade agreement will go sour or come with hidden agendas, trying to figure out who can or can't be trusted. I'm tired of worrying and wondering which of our people will next be injured or lost."

She pushed against him enough that she was able to sit up. She plucked at the holographic grass beside her. "I love them all, you know. Not the best thing for a Starfleet captain to feel, but I do."

He grinned at her. "Even Mortimer Harren?"

She glanced at him briefly, her classic Janeway half smile peeking through. "Even Mortimer. I truly love Tuvok. I would never have made it so far in my career without him. I love B'Elanna and Tom. I'm so proud of who he's become. I love Harry."

"When are you going to give that boy a promotion, Kathryn?" he interrupted. She just smiled. "And Seven? Do you love her too?"

She nodded. "Yes, I do." She wrinkled her nose. "In truth, there are times I don't like her much, but I do love her. I guess it's a little like a parent who loves their child, but at various times doesn't like their behavior. Although, I've always respected her brilliance and she's proven herself over and over by saving this crew many times."

He watched her continuing to poke at the grass. She'd gone through almost the entire senior staff. Almost. "You seemed to have missed someone."

She didn't look up. "Really? Who might that be?" She was being deliberately coy and she knew he knew it.

"Yes. You missed your first officer."

"Oh." It was just a whisper. "That was indeed an oversight."

He took her hand, stilling its work. "So Kathryn, what about it? Do you love me?" He'd never been so forthright before, but then, they'd never before remotely come close to having a conversation like this.

She was aware that although her answer could be safely couched in the context of her general feelings for the whole crew, they both knew her words were going to contain a much more specific meaning than that, much more personal. How ironic that she, who could face down the Borg, the Hirogen and the Kazon, could be so nervous, so fearful when it came to things of the heart. Maybe because they were so much more important. She looked from her small white hand resting in his large darker one, up to his face. His expression was reposed, but he was waiting. Just like he had been waiting for so long.

"Yes. I do."

Although his face didn't change, the light of joy in his eyes was unmistakable.

"What about you, Chakotay? Do you love our crew?"

He knew she had just taken a huge step for her and his heart was full because of her words. It wasn't hard to allow her this little dodge. "Some of them. I definitely loved Kes."

"Who didn't?"

He shrugged. "Who couldn't? I love Naomi and Sam. I can say I love Neelix."

"They kind of come as a packaged deal, don't they? Who else?"

"I love B'Elanna. Like you with Tom, I'm so proud of who she's become."

"Speaking of Tom, how about him?"

"That's tougher. Our history is, well, complex, and he's been such a pain in the butt to me over the years. Plus, I dislike owing my life to him as much as I do." He grinned at her. "Although I think I got him back on this mission."

She sensed there was more. "But?"

He reluctantly admitted, "But, incredibly enough, he's become a good friend that I value and appreciate. I've always liked Harry, and he's become an excellent officer. Now Tuvok, well," he seemed to search for words. Kathryn knew his relationship with Tuvok was complicated and often rocky. He continued, "I guess I would say there's no one I respect more, no one whose honesty and loyalty I trust more. That's the best I can do."

She tried to keep her face neutral but her grin was threatening to escape. She knew she was being mischievous. "What about Seven?"

He snorted. "Please, Kathryn. At least I no longer want to throw her out an air lock."

Kathryn laughed and wrapped her arms around her knees. There was a sparkling tension between them that was oh so delightful to play with right now. It was a balm to her, healing to her, after almost losing herself, almost losing everything that had become dear to her, including this wonderful man before her.

"Okay," he admitted, "there are occasional times I almost like her. Note, I said almost. When she's not being so damned supercilious and pompous, she can almost be pleasant. I think she and the doctor would be a good match considering both of their attitudes toward the rest of us mere mortals."

"You're right. They would be." She paused. She had a breathless sense of anticipation. "What about your captain?"

His gaze warmed her and his voice was like liquid honey. "That's easy. I definitely love her."

She closed her eyes at the sudden prick of tears, only to open them when she felt the stroke of his knuckles along her cheek. "I do love you, Kathryn. I always have."

She felt the surge of emotion in her heart and took his hand, pressing it against her face. "I've hurt you so many times, Chakotay. I'm so sorry. I thought I'd killed your love for me."

He shook his head. "It wasn't dead, just asleep. And I've hurt you just as many times." He bent his head to look straight into her eyes. "Kathryn, will you let me in now?"

"Yes. As much as I can." She rubbed her face against his hand. "I don't deserve you."

He appeared to consider her words. "Maybe not. But you definitely caught the Maquis rebel you were sent to capture."

Her full beautiful smile shone forth like sunshine. "Within six months, you said?"

He smiled back, their eyes connecting, the possibilities dancing between them.

"There is one minute left of holodeck time."

Kathryn stood and held her hand out to him to pull him up. "Well, let's hope it's the fastest six months on record, Commander."

He took a chance and bent to brush his lips against her cheek. "Aye, Captain. Can't be too fast for me."

She regarded their joined hands and thought of all that had almost been lost, the promise of which now lay before them, stronger than ever. She looked up into his beautiful dark eyes. "Me neither."

Epilogue: Six Months Later

He was late.

And she was nervous.

It wasn't just because he was late that she was nervous, but it wasn't helping any. The way her emotions were ping ponging back and forth, it felt like an internal game of velocity. Excited, nervous, relieved, happy, angry. She wasn't angry because of him. Well, actually, it was because of him, but it wasn't his fault.

So relieved to be home, to finally be finished at HQ. The thought of the last few months at Starfleet started to get her angry again so she diverted her thoughts. Where was he? What if he didn't come? What if those stupid idiots at HQ changed their minds again and…? No, no. She shook the paranoid speculation away.

The scenery before her was lovely but she closed her eyes to try to calm her thoughts. She could see his face in her mind. The beautiful dark hair and eyes, the devastating dimpled smile, the exotic tattoo. She could picture them both together on the bridge that day when Admiral Janeway had appeared on the view screen, shocking the hell out of everyone. She recalled her reaction to the Admiral's words that she'd come to bring Voyager home. She'd whipped around to look at Chakotay, eyes wide with astonishment and fearful hope. He'd risen to stand beside her, his expression intense. They'd stared at each other, for a moment oblivious to their surroundings. Right there in front of her entire bridge crew, she'd taken his hand and clung to it with both of hers. Hungry desire had risen within her. Longing. She felt it again now. Where was he?

A slight rustling sound caused her to open her eyes. He stood beside her, looking down at her and the longing redoubled within her. She knew he would be able to see it in her eyes and couldn't, didn't want to hide it. It had been over four months since she'd seen him, the longest break they'd had in seven years. She could hardly keep from throwing herself into his arms.

Chakotay had been watching her for a few seconds, recalling the first time of sitting on this hill before the field of white flowers. As then, she was wearing blue jeans and a plaid shirt. Her eyes had been closed that time too. When she opened them now, the look of love and desire directed toward him was all he'd ever hoped and longed for.

"Tom did a fine job with your program, but like usual, the real thing is infinitely better. That's new," he indicated the bench she sat on. He looked around him. "So's the cabin. Are we trespassing?"

God, she'd missed him, missed his voice. "No. The cabin is a part of the park. It's a rental."

"Are we going to be disturbing someone by sitting in their front yard?" He looked around at the panoramic view.

She shook her head. "It's mine for the rest of the week."

"Really?" The air seemed to sizzle. At her answering nod, he asked, "Is it nice inside?"

Her voice sounded a little breathless. "Do you want to see it?"

The naked look of desire in his eyes was almost overwhelming. "Yes, but in a little while." He dropped his knapsack to the ground and sat on the bench at the other end. He stretched one arm along the back of it, letting his hand rest on her shoulder.

It felt wonderful to have the freedom for such a small thing. Each of them was aware of the infinite possibilities open before them. Every gesture was new because of the total lifting of all constraint.

"How were your visits to your sister and your cousin?

His smile was contented and she could see the memories of the visits reflected in his face. "Very good, but too short. I only had a few days with each of them before going on to Tom and B'E's yesterday. Both my sister and my cousin have produced a crop of kids in the last seven years, so I'm an uncle again, several times over. I'd like you to meet them."

She could picture him tussling with the youngsters on the floor. "I'd like that." Kathryn looked across the valley into the distance. The breeze tossed the field flowers making it look like a giant hand had caressed the valley.

He gestured in front of them. "I guess it'll be a lot more work to get a bonfire going here."

She grinned at him. "And I'm not about to lend you any hair to help you get it started. A phaser would work well, though."

"You'll have to provide that, Kathryn. I'm no longer allowed to carry one, remember?"

A string of words such as he'd never heard from her poured from her mouth, causing his eyebrows to reach Tuvok levels. "I didn't know you spoke Klingon, Kathryn. I think you spent too much time with B'Elanna in Engineering."

She was sputtering with anger. "The stupid…" Another stream of words gushed forth, this time a language he didn't recognize.

"What language was that?"

"Gaelic."

"Just how many languages can you swear in, Kathryn?"

"Quite a few."

"This is a talent you kept well hidden for seven years. Just shows you can never completely know someone."

"I've just had a lot of opportunity to practice in the last few months."

Chakotay sighed. He knew she'd been upset at the result of the trial. "Kathryn, you know as well as I do that the ultimate responsibility, and therefore accountability, lies with the captain. I accepted that. I'm just glad the rest of our Maquis were released."

She snorted in disgust and he heard what he thought was Bajoran this time. "Yeah, well, it seems our Maquis agree with me, since every single one of them resigned from Starfleet in protest, including Tom and even Tuvok." She didn't add that she'd also tried to resign, and Admiral Owen Paris had refused to accept it and told her to take a long vacation to think it over.

He grimaced. He'd had to revise his opinion about Tuvok. He'd been frankly shocked at the Vulcan's actions. Tuvok had testified on behalf of Chakotay at the trial, and then been the first to resign once the verdict came in. Considering it had happened after Tuvok's fal-tor-voh, his actions couldn't even be blamed on an unstable mind.

Chakotay had tried to reason with Tom, but the former lieutenant had shrugged it off, trying to appear nonchalant. Tom had quipped, "Hell, Chakotay, B'E and I have both been hired by the Daystrom Institute, and as civilians, we're both going to be making more than my father is as an Admiral." Although Chakotay had been very touched by the unexpected show of loyalty, he didn't want his trial to continue the feud between Tom and his father. But underlying Tom's lightheartedness, Chakotay had sensed the younger man's anger at what he believed was injustice, and Chakotay finally had to let it go for them to work out themselves.

He knew that even more than just the former Maquis had resigned. He'd barely managed to restrain Ensign Kim, now Lieutenant Kim, from doing the same. The overwhelming support had buoyed him through the long ordeal. "Kathryn, a few months in New Zealand wasn't so bad. Tom even gave me a few tips before I went," he joked.

She stood, agitatedly pacing, muttering some other words he didn't recognize. "It was wrong, Chakotay! They knew what they did with that treaty with Cardassia was wrong and they didn't even take into account what you did during your time on Voyager."

"Well, actually, they did. The sentence was eight years," he reminded her, "but they took my time on Voyager as time served and I'm now on parole after less than four months in New Zealand." He could tell from her stiff posture that she was still angry. "Kathryn," he said quietly, "they could have extradited me to Cardassia."

She gasped and whirled away from him, flinging one hand out to the side to stop his words, the other hand over her mouth. Images of her long-ago time in a Cardassian prison flooded her mind, and she fought to pull herself back from picturing Chakotay there.

He watched her with concern. She seemed on the edge of shattering. He knew how hard she'd fought for him and how devastated she'd been at the outcome. Until two weeks ago, nobody knew it would wind up being so short; they'd all anticipated the full year. Although he was aware that the rest of the crew had watched out for her, it was obvious the last four months had been hard on her. She'd lost weight, and he was not happy with her pallor or the dark circles under her eyes. He rose to stand beside her and took her hand in his.

"Kathryn, I'm fine. It's all done." When she would have spoken again, he placed his fingers on her lips to stop her words. They both stilled at the remembrance of the last time they'd touched like that. He smiled at her gently. "You'll just get your blood pressure elevated and the doctor will cluck like a mother hen when you see him next week."

"How do you know about my check up next week?"

"The doctor was visiting his goddaughter when I was there yesterday and asked me to remind you about your appointment."

She shook her head. "The two of you are still ganging up on me."

He stroked her cheek tenderly. "Not ganging up on you. Watching out for you."

She held onto his hand, and closed her eyes. "I missed you so much," she whispered. The idea of being without him for a whole year had nearly destroyed her.

"Shh. Kathryn, I'm fine, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You know the toughest thing about a Federation prison, especially when you're not allowed visitors? The boredom. It leaves you with way too much time to think and miss the people you love." He stroked her cheek once more and then stepped over to his backpack. Pulling a small envelope from the side pocket, he tossed it to her. It was an attempt to divert her thinking. "I know you visited Tom and B'E three weeks ago, but I've got fresh baby pictures. Oh, by the way, they want both of us to come to dinner next week."

Kathryn began scanning the pictures, knowing exactly what he was doing. "That's fine, as long as Owen isn't there. I'm not talking to him right now."

"I don't think that'll be a problem. I get the feeling Tom isn't talking to Admiral Paris right now either." He looked over the beautiful valley as the sun began to set. He shook his head with wry amusement. "Kathryn, this whole thing is so typical of the bizarre nature of Starfleet."

She tucked the pictures back in his knapsack. "How so?"

He lifted one shoulder. "Well, think about it. They sentence me to eight years, but seven of those are covered by my time on Voyager, and then parole me after less than four months of the final year. But they also give me full back pay at a commander's salary for the whole seven years. Then, they request me to resign," Kathryn growled, but didn't swear this time, so he continued, "yet they offer me a position at the academy, and as a civilian, they'll pay me a lot more than they would have as an officer. It's so ridiculous, but typical of Starfleet."

She blinked at him, shocked. "You didn't accept, did you?"

"Yes, I did." He laughed at her expression and touched her chin. "Close your mouth, love, you'll catch flies that way."

His endearment sang in her heart, adding to the buzz of confusion in her head. "Why would you want to do that?"

He shrugged. "Why not? It's a place to start. I signed a contract for two terms, so it's not like it's for life. I've a feeling it's Starfleet's way of apologizing for what they felt they had to do."

Kathryn turned to look over the valley, her hands shoved into the back pockets of her jeans. She sighed, her anger and resentment blown away by this man's incredible ability to accept and forgive. He'd done it with her for years and was doing it again. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He wasn't young any more, but God, he was beautiful. "Well," she appeared to muse, "maybe I should resign too. If we both had civilian salaries, plus back pay for seven years as captain and commander, just think what we could do if we pooled our resources."

Her words caused him to inhale sharply. "How much leave do you have before you have to report?"

"Six more months."

His eyebrows raised. "Six? Everyone I've talked to got two at the most. How'd you manage that?"

"Because that's what I told Owen I was taking." From her sharp tone and the angry press of her lips, Chakotay would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. He had a feeling Admiral Paris had been unprepared for just how much surviving the Delta Quadrant had changed his former protégée, and just how intimidating a Captain Janeway on the warpath could be.

He realized she'd asked him something and refocused his attention. "I'm sorry, what did you ask?"

"When do you start at the academy?"

"The next term starts in a little over five months, so I'll have to show up a couple of weeks before that. Why?"

She tried to appear casual. "I just wondered if you had any plans. I've invited everyone who's available to my mother's farm in six weeks for a gathering, sans Starfleet brass, just us Voyager family. Think you can make it?"

His eyes lit up, but he appeared to mull it over. "Well, you know what a busy social calendar I have, but I think I can squeeze it in."

The look that shimmered between them was one of sizzling anticipation. He briefly fought and quickly succumbed to the desire to touch her again and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Kathryn, you got everyone home safely, just like you promised. Be happy in that."

Her eyes drifted away, thinking of the lost. "Well, not everyone."

He knew where her thoughts were going. "It could have been worse. If you hadn't stopped the away team just before we left to retrieve Friendship One and instructed us all to put personal body armor on under our environmental suits, Joe Carey wouldn't have just been injured, he would have been killed."

Kathryn shuddered at the memory of the cold-blooded attempt on the lieutenant's life. The blast had broken his clavicle, several ribs, which in turn punctured a lung, collapsing it, as well as rupturing his spleen and spreading second degree burns across his chest. But he had lived, and Kathryn had had the pleasure of seeing him reunited with his wife and children back on Earth.

"It was you who alerted me when you said something didn't feel right about the place and then confirmed with Tom that a few centuries ago in Earth's history, underground dugouts had been created for people to survive radiation fallout." She shook her head. "One more thing to thank Starfleet for; our first mission in seven years and it endangered the lives of several of our family."

She was looking too reflective so he tried to distract her. "Speaking of family, how has your time in Indiana been with yours?"

A soft smile touched her face as she thought of being with her mother and sister and meeting Phoebe's husband and children. "Wonderful. So much is different yet so much is the same. By the way, my mother says she wants to meet you."

He wore a wry expression. "Actually, that's why I was late."

"Oh?"

"Just before I was ready to leave, I got a…" He paused, looking for the right word. "I guess you could call it an invitation that I couldn't refuse." He opened his knapsack, took out a container and handed it to her. "Caramel brownies from your mother."

She looked from the container in her hand to his face and back again. "As much as I love these, I'm quite sure my mother didn't contact you just so you could pick up some brownies along the way. You got the old, what-are-your-intentions-toward-my-daughter inquisition, didn't you?"

"Something like that." He knew what an obsessed Kathryn Janeway was like, so he could well imagine what things had been like for Mrs. Janeway the past few months. He shrugged. "It's understandable; after all, I am a convicted felon. She loves you, Kathryn."

She opened the container and took out a piece before offering the container to Chakotay. "I know. So what did you tell her?"

He had a teasing look in his eye that didn't quite mask the rapidly escalating passion. "I told her I intended to seduce you and take your body in every position that's ever been discovered, and to do my damnedest to get you in the family way asap."

The simmering desire in her took a sizeable jolt. She nodded once, imaging how that old-fashioned turn of phrase would appeal to her traditionalist mother. "And what did she say to that?"

"She said it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

Kathryn snapped the lid back on the container and set it aside, hard pressed to keep a straight face. She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. "You're naughty, you know that?" He just shrugged again. "What did you really say?"

"I told her that I love you and that I intend to spend the rest of my days with you."

She lowered her head at the singing of the sweet words in her soul. "What did she say then?"

He looked at this brave, tough-tender woman who owned his heart. "She said it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

She burst out laughing and launched herself at him. With his arms around her waist and hers around her neck, she was finally free to openly say it. "I love you, Chakotay." The words felt so wonderful on her lips, and the joy on his face was so delightful to her, that she said it a couple more times just for the heck of it. She hoped he wouldn't get bored, as he was going to be hearing it a lot from now on.

"And I love you, Kathryn, with all my heart," he replied. It was time for first contact of a different sort. He bent his head to her just as she stretched up to him and their lips met for the first time with no barriers, nothing to deter them. It was a gentle, tender, slow exploration, touching and tasting. He slid one hand up her back and realized from the smoothness that she wore no bra under the plaid shirt.

They were both breathing hard when he lifted his head. "So Kathryn," he took another deep breath, "are you going to show me the cabin?"

Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkling. "I thought you wanted to have a bonfire and watch the sunset."

He quirked his eyebrow at her. "Now who's being naughty?" He punished her with another mind-blowing kiss that went on and on.

Every fantasy, every dream, every longing from over the years poured through her mind and set her burning. "I can hardly wait to see you naked," she whispered.

Her bold words were inflaming his already burgeoning arousal. "Kathryn, you are wicked." He moved his mouth along the side of her neck, enjoying her gasp. She arched her neck for more, so he gave it to her. He tugged at the collar of her shirt to give him better access and licked just behind her ear. He felt her body start to tremble. "How does this shirt do up?" he murmured against her skin.

She licked her suddenly dry lips as his tongue circled her earlobe. "With snaps. Why?"

He nipped her ear, making her moan. "I'm thinking of starting on that list of positions right here."

Her voice was raspy. "You call me wicked? There's no privacy lock here, remember?"

He slid one hand down to cup her buttocks, drawing another gasp from her. "How far is the bed from the cabin door?"

It was hard to make her brain function. He was much too good at this. "About twenty feet or so. Why?" She knew why.

His crafty tongue probed her ear. "Too far. We'll never make it."

He was right. They didn't. No sooner were they in the door than he pressed her full-bodied back against the wall, arousal at red alert. His mouth was on hers, tongue thrusting inside, pelvis tight against hers. When they finally broke for air, she managed to breathe, "Is that a phaser in your pocket, Commander, or are you just glad to see me?"

A slow smile spread over his face. "I thought we'd established that I'm no longer a commander and therefore can't carry a phaser any more. So yes, I'm very glad to see you."

Her fingers slid through his hair, drawing his head back to her. "That's fine then. I thought for a minute I might be under attack."

"Oh, but you are, Captain." He separated their bodies just enough to whip his sweater over his head and toss it away. He tugged the snaps on her shirt open in one move, and pressed their naked torsos together for the first time. The long anticipated contact of heated skin on skin pulled groans from both of them.

He whispered against her lips just before he took her mouth again. "Surrender your vessel, Captain, and prepare to be boarded."

The End

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© Brianna Thomas, October 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.