Rated A hard R, nothing too graphic (sorry).
Disclaimer: As I've said before, none of these characters are mine, but I'm having fun with them anyway
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"Do you miss her?"
"Seska? I don't know. I guess she was a decent engineer, but she was far more trouble than she was worth."
"No. I mean personally."
Chakotay frowned and then considered her question. Since being on Voyager, he'd rarely spent any personal time socializing with his former Maquis crewmate. Then he noticed the almost shy way Kathryn had asked the question. "Oh. You mean the way we were on the Liberty." He could tell from her eyes that was exactly what she meant. "When we were involved…"
"Yes."
He fought the urge to tell her that no, he wouldn't miss lying in bed with that snake. But he knew that wasn't what she wanted to know. "It was a mistake. I never really cared for her the way she wanted me to. She pursued me. I was emotionally weak from…all that brought me to the Maquis… I guess I needed the physical comfort and the sexual release."
"No one would hold that against you."
"Maybe not, but looking back on it, I realize how manipulated I was. Somehow, in hindsight, it all feels so predatory."
Kathryn raised her eyebrows.
"Don't get me wrong…It's not as if she raped me. I was a willing participant." A brief flashback of Seska, on her knees, him thrusting into her disguised Cardassian body, caused him to shudder. "But there was never any true regard for her on my part. She was a convenient…fuck."
He'd never spoken so bluntly, or basely with Kathryn before. He'd used the word on purpose to illustrate the nature of his dalliance with Seska. He didn't want Kathryn ever to believe that he'd been in love with the woman who'd betrayed them all.
Her eyes were wide. "You were together for a while, though."
"The better part of a year…yes."
"So…It must have been…satisfying."
Where was she going with this? Why did she keep rubbing at this wound? "Are you asking me if it was good, Kathryn? Was Seska a good lay?" As the words exited his mouth, he could hear the unintended viciousness of his tone. And then, in a flash, he realized what she was asking. How could he have missed the direction of this conversation? Kathryn Janeway didn't want to know whether or not he missed sex with Seska. "You're asking me if I miss having a sex life." When her eyes darted down to her lap, he knew he'd found the truth.
Still looking at her hands in her lap, Kathryn said, "I didn't mean to pry into your personal life, Chakotay. I only hoped that talking about it would give you some closure."
He placed his hand under her chin and tilted her head up to face him. Reluctantly, her eyes found his. As her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.
"And the answer to your question is, yes. I miss having a warm body in my bed at night…"
Wriggling, she tried to pull her chin from his grasp, but he held tight and kept her eyes locked with the intensity of his own.
"I miss the high that comes with an energetic round of sex… I miss giving pleasure to a woman and I miss taking pleasure from a woman's body. But more than anything, I miss the emotional connection with someone else…And I haven't had that in a very long time…"
Chakotay watched her throat ripple in a nervous swallow. Sliding his hand from her chin, he skimmed her neck with his fingertips and then caressed down her arm, their eyes still riveted to one another. When he reached her hand, he held it in his. "Tell me Kathryn…Do you miss having a sex life?"
Shaking his hand from hers, she rolled her eyes, breaking the intensity of the moment. "It's been an even longer time for me. I'm used to doing without."
That surprised him. She'd been engaged when they were torn from the Alpha Quadrant. "What about you and Mark? Didn't you have a satisfying relationship?"
"Satisfying in many ways, but not in everything…" The part she left off told him volumes.
This was a moment for truth, he realized. "How so?"
"He was my best friend, my confidant. But we weren't that attuned to each other physically. Not that we were celibate, but I've done without the fireworks for a very long time."
Chakotay's breath caught with her revelation. At the same time he ached for her lack of satisfaction, he remained hopeful that someday, in the future, he would be able to provide the fireworks she'd missed. He clenched his jaw in certainty that they would be able to connect powerfully.
"How do you cope on Voyager?" He really wanted to know. He'd wondered the same thing about his own life.
"Oh, I indulge in a holoromance now and again."
He'd thought as much. He saw her face change and realized that she'd read his thoughts.
"No. I mean, I enjoy the romance part, but I'm not intimate with the holograms."
"Why not?"
"It doesn't seem right, somehow. It's one thing to program entertaining characters at Sandrine's but it's another thing altogether when you start sleeping with them."
"I agree. I've never had holosex." His academy roommate had thought it odd that he wasn't even interested in exploring that aspect of the holoprograms.
"Never?" She looked as if she didn't believe him. "Even at the academy? Or on your first mission?"
"Nope. But it sounds like you have." He couldn't help but smile.
Kathryn ducked her head and grinned. "Well, I have to admit I indulged a little when I first gained private access to the technology. I mean, it is intriguing…"
"Oh, I can see the draw. But I have to admit that as a man, to chase and to conquer is a big part of it. There's no chase on a holodeck. The woman's programmed to say yes and pleasure you. What's the fun of that? I have a hand and can take care of that part myself." He watched her eyes glow and hoped it was at the thought of him pleasuring himself. "So no holosex anymore?…That just leaves masturbation, doesn't it?"
He found her blush charming as well as exciting. They'd entered uncharted territory with this conversation.
"Yes, but it's not the same."
Chakotay reared back and laughed out loud. "I should say not!"
He was pleased when Kathryn chuckled along with him.
He sobered before continuing. "I already told you what I miss most about sex…What about you?"
"Truly?" She paused, giving the question serious thought. "I guess I miss the loss of control. I spend so much of my time in a position of power. I miss that unpredictable quality of the act itself. Having someone else direct the action…Succumbing a little bit…"
He could feel his groin tighten at the way she'd said 'succumb'. Just for a moment, he imagined her with her legs thrown over his shoulders and his body riding hers to his own completion as she moaned aloud with pleasure. He hoped she didn't notice the bulge in his lap. But on second thought, maybe he hoped she did.
"So you like to be submissive?" Chakotay couldn't help but raise his eyebrows at that one.
"Not in a classical sense, no. But I do like it when everything doesn't have to be my decision all the time."
He shifted in his seat, trying to relieve the pressure in his slacks. As he did so, Kathryn looked down and saw his obvious erection. Looking back up at him, she opened her mouth once, then twice to say something, but instead she licked her lips in hesitation.
Watching her tongue move over her lips made his cock ache. He wanted to kneel over her and see just how submissive she liked to be. But instead, he chose the slightly more cautious route. Picking up her hand, he pulled it to his mouth and kissed the back of it softly, darting his tongue out to touch the skin just before he lowered it. Her eyes were round saucers, but she wasn't backing away from the contact. He dimly noted that her breathing came in rapid puffs of air.
He'd meant only to show her that he cared and hoped that someday they could be more to each other. Regardless of their profound attraction, they both knew that an intimate relationship between them could be disastrous for the crew and their mission to get home. Seska had proven that during the past few weeks. Her private knowledge of him had left them all open to attack. Granted, Kathryn Janeway was no Seska, but they both understood how sensible Starfleet protocols were regarding such relationships.
So when he lowered her hand to his lap, it surprised him nearly as much as it did her. Pressing Kathryn's hand, palm down onto his hard-on, he felt the heat of her touch through the thick material. At first, she attempted to pull her hand away from its position, but Chakotay's held her firmly over the hardness, forcing the pressure of her palm against him.
Kathryn looked at his lap in wonder, their hands in fight for dominance, with Chakotay's clearly the winner. His hand swallowed hers and he began slowly stroking himself, using her hand. Amazingly, she said nothing, only watched the movement of their hands against him until he could feel her fingers curling around him, measuring, stroking of their own accord. When she looked up at him, her face full of lust, he nearly came in his shorts.
What the hell had he done?! It was as if his body had been taken over by parasites from Planet FuckMe. He had no right to force this sort of action on her, even if she wasn't completely offended by the idea. Even though it felt incredible to have her petting him, Chakotay knew this shouldn't happen. Far too much could be damaged if they followed through.
Carefully, he lessened the pressure until his hand only covered hers softly. And then he felt her loosening her grip on him until she, too, merely rested her hand in his lap. At some point Kathryn's face changed. He watched the glow of lust burn out, only to be replaced by sadness.
"We can't do this." Her voice sounded hollow and hurt.
"I know." And he did know. They had a job to do. And they couldn't afford anything that might disrupt their goal to get Voyager home.
Pulling her hand back into her lap, Kathryn sighed.
Abruptly, Chakotay stood up from the sofa, dangerously close to disrupting their drinks sitting on the cocktail table. "I should go." Tucking his shirt in, he adjusted himself to fit a little less conspicuously into his slacks before he turned to face her.
She stood with him, looking disappointed. "So soon? You haven't even finished your drink," she nodded to the half-finished glass of wine. She sounded genuinely disappointed at his departure.
Chakotay picked up his glass and downed the contents in two large swallows before he strode purposefully to the door.
Kathryn glanced at the wall clock. "It's such an early evening."
Still facing the door, he answered her. "I know. But if I stay here another minute and a half, I'll be dragging you into your bed." He felt his face grow crimson and his fading erection bob in his shorts. In two more steps he'd nearly reached the point where the door would slide open. "Chakotay."
He looked over his shoulder, afraid to allow his body to turn completely toward her. Afraid that he'd never find the courage to leave.
"I do miss it. I miss it dreadfully…" Her admission echoed across the room to him.
Smiling, he said, "Neither one of us knows what we're missing…"
Just before the door slid shut behind him, he heard Kathryn utter one more word: "Yet."
((End.))
© Char, October 2007 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.