Rated J/C; R to light NC-17
Disclaimer: I bow to the Trek gods… They created all the great characters. I, unfortunately, will profit in no way from the posting of this story.
Summary: Will Chakotay hold Kathryn to an offer made long ago?
Thank you, Shayenne, for your ever-thoughtful beta.
This one is for elem…
Tayryn has created an amazing video trailer to this story. The perfect accompaniment! You can watch it here
Feedback? Please.
"Are you sure you trust me to cut it? You know you could just grow it out and gather it in an elastic at the nape…" She hesitated as Chakotay placed the chair outside the shelter and handed her the shears. "I don't have much experience as a barber."
"I trust you. And if you mess it up, I can always shave my head." He grinned at the look of horror on her face. Pulling his shirt off, Chakotay settled in the seat. "Just trim it up across my forehead and at the back. It's been hanging in my face lately and it's driving me crazy."
Kathryn loved the boyish look it gave him when the dark hair fell forward across his brow, but he wanted it cut. His hair had grown so quickly and reached well below his collar at the back. Shaking her head in disbelief, she realized how long they'd been here on New Earth. Although she missed Voyager and her crew with a dull ache, their exile had been far from unpleasant.
"Okay. But I'm not making any promises…" The silvery scissors slid through the inky blackness of his locks as she snipped across his forehead, trimming about an inch over his eyes. As the hair fell on his nose, he blew upward, attempting to clear it from his face. Squatting in front of his chair, she studied him at eye level, checking to see that the line she'd created was straight. Not quite satisfied, Kathryn leaned forward over his lap and removed another wisp.
Finishing the front, she moved around to the back of his head. With her fingers, she combed at the hair of his nape, straightening the locks before she trimmed them. The bristly texture of his hair had given way to a silky softness now that it was longer. As she cut, the strands fell over Chakotay's golden shoulders and caught in the chain he wore around his neck.
"Do you want me to take this off? I'd hate to damage it." She fingered the delicate chain as she leaned in, studying it. Kathryn had seen it on him before, back on the ship. He always taped it down before a game of velocity.
"I never take it off. Besides, it's a titanium alloy. Those scissors would never cut through it."
Kathryn's fingers followed the chain around to his chest where a small charm hung. She picked it up and traced the beautiful markings on the front. Shaped like an old-fashioned bullet, its silver and gold colors wove together in an intricate engraving.
"It's beautiful." Kathryn's face was only inches from his. "What do the markings mean?"
"It symbolizes a pact-no… more of a promise…" Chakotay watched her rub the pendant with her fingers.
"It must be very special if you never remove it. Was it a gift?"
"Yes. You could call it that."
Kathryn looked into his eyes. It touched her that he might also be homesick for someone he'd had to leave behind. Perhaps it was a gift from an old lover. The mystery hovered in the air between them, but Chakotay said nothing to answer her silent questions. She thought of the fiancé she'd left on earth and felt a kinship with the shirtless man smiling at her.
~ ^ ~
"Do you think Captain Chakotay is attracted to me?" She knew she'd caught her friend off guard.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow, slightly. Definitely off guard.
"In what way do you mean, Captain?"
"Attracted… You know, sexually attracted to me."
Tuvok's face gave nothing away, but the pregnant pause before he answered spoke volumes. "It is curious that you should ask such a question."
"And that's not an answer, is it? You're hedging… Tell me what you've noticed. Your lack of emotion sometimes gives you insight. And I know you're a shrewd observer of human behavior. So give. Do you think he's attracted to me?" Kathryn rested the PADD she'd been reading onto her knee and waited patiently for him to answer. She wasn't particularly comfortable asking, but she needed to know and Tuvok would have some sort of opinion on the matter.
"He leans in to you when you speak to him. His pupils dilate when he is in your presence and his respiration increases. I believe those are all signs that he is aware of your presence as a prospective mate."
"Thank you, my friend." Kathryn picked up the PADD and continued her reading.
"Are you planning to take Captain Chakotay as a mate?"
Point blank. She'd expected as much. "Not exactly, but I want to know what I have to work with. He's already as much as turned down my offer to keep him and his crew on the ship. He wants to be left off on an M-class planet as soon as we're out of range of the Kazon. And you and I both know that we need a minimum crew complement of 100 to run this ship. I have to convince him to stay on board." Kathryn allowed her eyes to meet Tuvok's where understanding passed between them…
~ ^ ~
"This is delicious, Captain." Chakotay placed his wine glass on the low table in front of him. Kathryn Janeway pulled her legs up under her on the easy chair. That she'd invited him to her quarters for a private meal had him curious about the true nature of the meeting. If she'd wanted to discuss ship's business, she could have met with him in her ready room. The premise of a social visit left him wary. "I appreciate your hospitality, but I can't enjoy it much when my crew is being held in your cargo bay."
"As a matter of fact, that's what I wanted to discuss with you." Kathryn took a sip of her wine before she spoke again. "I hope to change your mind about joining my crew. Perhaps tonight your people will be settling into their new quarters…" She raised her eyebrows and took another sip.
"I've told you how I stand on this, Captain. Too many of my people have hostile feelings about Starfleet. To ask them to join this crew and wear the uniform…" His voice trailed off as he reached for his glass and began to swirl the contents. "As much as I'd like to get back and continue fighting for our cause, it looks as if you'll be lucky to get home before your grandchildren are running the ship. I want to offer something a bit more palatable to my people. They deserve to live their lives, even if it is far from home."
Her eyes flashed with anger. "So you presume to take away their one possibility of ever seeing their families again?"
Chakotay leveled his glare. "No. I'll allow any of my crew the choice to stay on Voyager. There are a few of them who have people to return to, but thanks to Starfleet policy, most have lost their loved ones." He wanted her to notice the edge in his voice.
Kathryn sighed. "We're a long way from home. But I plan to be alive and well when we touch down on earth. We're bound to find a shortcut of some sort."
"And then where will my crew be? Spending the rest of their lives in a penal colony? I'd much rather offer them a chance at a life out here rather than a quick trip to jail or a long journey on a generational ship." He sat back and took another drink. "The way I see it, if we stay on Voyager, we lose either way..."
"But if you help us to get home, I'm sure the Starfleet admirals will take that into consideration."
"You can't ensure that and you know it, Captain."
She knew he was right. Kathryn stood and walked over to the viewport. "You know this ship can't run without your people. Even if we merge the crews, we'll be short. It's foolish to think that we'll find trustworthy, knowledgeable replacement crew willing to leave their homes to come with us." Speaking into the stars, Kathryn heard her voice softly echo off the transparent aluminum. "I can't get them home without you and your crew."
"Fortunately for me, that's not my problem." Watching her reflection, he saw her eyes flutter closed and then open again. He knew she was in an impossible situation, but that didn't change his mind. He had his people to think about, not this woman. But it didn't keep him from feeling her pain.
She startled him when she made an abrupt about face and joined him again. This time, she sat on the edge of her chair. He watched her swallow, working up the courage for some sort of declaration. Finally, she cleared her throat. "I don't have much to offer you, but I have to try to convince you to stay. Reaching up to her collar, she removed each of her pips, one at a time, placing them in her palm.
Chakotay watched her curiously. When she'd removed the fourth pip, she reached across to him and clasped his hand. Opening his fingers, she placed the discs in his hand and closed his fist.
"I only ask that you allow me to retain the rank of Lieutenant. I could replace the Chief Engineer." She continued to look at his hand.
He felt the metal discs, still warm from the heat of her neck. The symbolism of the gesture finally dawned on him.
"I don't want your captaincy." Leaning forward, he placed them gently on the coffee table.
She looked from the pips into his eyes and Chakotay could barely stand the sadness in them.
"If you'll excuse me."
Her voice, hoarse with emotion, tore into him. She rose and left the room, leaving him to contemplate her plight. Without him and the Maquis, her chances of making it 75,000 light years from here were nil. Hell, with him and his crew her chances weren't much better than that. It'd mean turning that ragtag bunch of people into 'Fleeters and he doubted if that was even possible. Was it fair to ask them? After all they'd been through together, how could he expect them to don the uniform and play the protocol game?
He hoped she'd pulled herself together. Chakotay couldn't stand to see a woman cry and he hated his own sentimentality. Too often it assisted him in making poor decisions.
Feeling like he was being watched, he looked up and there she stood. Her face still registered defeat, but what she wore proved that she had yet to give up the fight. Kathryn Janeway stood in the doorway to her bedroom wearing only a black, lacy slip. Or did they call this a negligee? It clung to her body in all the right places and in spite of the surprise at this turn of events, he felt another part of him rearing its head.
Chakotay stood up, mainly in shock, but also to hide his body's response to her. White skin contrasted with the blackness of the piece of silk. Long legs gave way to impossibly pale thighs that disappeared under the fabric's lacy edge. When his eyes finally made their way to her face, he watched defeat give way to determination. She must be able to read his reaction and know that he liked what he saw.
"I told you… I have little to offer. But I have to convince you to stay…" And at that, she crossed the room.
Chakotay watched her move toward him, cat-like. She stopped when she reached him and looked up, her eyes sad and alluring at the same time. A small woman without her boots on, Kathryn stared from eye to eye, looking for an answer in his face.
"Pardon me for asking, but do you regularly offer yourself in exchange for favors?"
Eyes flashing, he saw her hand twitch as if she thought about striking him. "No!" The milky complexion prickled in red splotches on her cheeks and neck before her face softened again. "However, I suppose at this point that's a fair question." She nodded down at her appearance. "But, no. This is all new to me. If you'd have told me a week ago that I'd be offering my ass in exchange for anyone's help, I'd have laughed in your face. But desperation has a way of bringing out the best in people…"
"Do you really think this will make me stay on?" He ran his finger tip from her shoulder down to the tip of her elbow. She shuddered involuntarily from his touch.
"That's entirely up to you… But I made the offer because I have reason to believe you might be attracted to me. And Tuvok told me you were trustworthy."
"And you? Are you attracted to me, also?"
"I wouldn't find the arrangement entirely unpleasant." Her face held a challenge.
White skin and freckles, a hoarse, throaty moan, her head thrown back in passion, his brown hand on a creamy breast… Pleasant couldn't come close to describing the ways they could serve each other. During the past few days, he'd found Kathryn Janeway a strong, passionate, and empathetic woman. He felt certain that her sexual appetite could easily match his own. And despite his aversion to the indecency of the proposal, he was tempted by her offer…
Chakotay closed his eyes, trying to rid the vision of her body writhing under his. Stepping away from her, he turned to face the stars. "I've never paid for sex…with money or favors…"
"And I've never found myself in such an impossible position, either. I guess we're both new to this."
From the little he knew of Janeway, he sensed she was a woman of character and this offering clearly illustrated her profound desperation. Chakotay knew he'd never be able to live a peaceful life knowing that he'd turned his back on her. Their connection had already taken root and she was leaving him no other choice but to stay on Voyager. How he hated himself for his own weakness! He'd been so certain of the right thing to do…
He spun around to face her again and watched as she hitched her chin higher in the air. Confidence glowed on her face and more than anything, he wanted to erase the triumphant look with a bruising kiss. Only a deep sense of honor kept him at bay. "Yes. I'll do it… I accept your offer."
Janeway's eyes widened slightly and her breath caught in her throat. He saw her eyes flit over his face, her vision licking past his mouth. He should put her out of her misery and tell her that he expected no favors in return, but the longer the seconds ticked past, the more desire she revealed.
Unable to leave the question unspoken a moment longer, she cleared her throat. "Which position?"
Chakotay raised his eyebrows suggestively at her choice of words and saw her face prickle anew with her blush.
"I mean, which position will you accept?"
"I said I didn't want your captaincy. I'll serve under you."
Her shoulders sagged with a sigh of relief even as her eyes revealed that she hadn't missed the double entendre. "I'll try to keep you from regretting your decision to stay."
The coyness of her statement reminded him that he hadn't let her off the hook altogether.
"And about your other offer..." He let his eyes roam heatedly across her neck and between her breasts where the milkiness of her skin disappeared into shadow. "As tempting as it is, I don't believe it's the best way to begin our new working relationship, in light of the command structure and all…"
Watching the relief that washed over her face, Chakotay thought he saw a glimmer of disappointment before she smiled, masking her emotions.
"Then let me get changed and we can hash out some of these new assignments." She bent over the table, scraping up her rank pips with her fingers.
A hand on her forearm stopped her before she had a chance to make her escape. "I've given you everything you want here, or have you noticed? And I've taken nothing for myself. Now I have to go back to my crew and sell this idea to them, and I can assure you, it won't be easy." His hand remained on her arm, not squeezing, but with pressure.
"Yes. I had noticed. And I have even more reason to believe that my Vulcan friend is a master judge of human character. You're as honorable a man as Tuvok said you are."
"I'm more prudent with my actions than I am honorable in my thoughts, I can assure you. And I do have one small request…"
"What's that?" Kathryn narrowed her eyes, uncomfortable with this new turn of the conversation.
"We have a tradition in my culture. When a great favor is granted, it's customary for the recipient to mark the occasion."
"But you already said that-"
"No. Not that sort of favor… More of a marker, so that at some time in the future I can remind you of that gift…" His eyes sought hers. "We may be out here a long time, Captain…"
"So…What do you have in mind?"
He pulled her hand into his, opening it to reveal the metal rank pips. "These will do…" He picked up each one and placed them in his own palm, finally dropping the lot into the pocket of his leather pants. "And I suggest you put on something else before I change my mind…"
~ ^ ~
The remains of the delicious meal sat cooling on the table as Kathryn and Chakotay drank their wine in candlelight. The small celebration served as the perfect way to end what they hoped would be their last evening in the Delta Quadrant. Earlier, the entire crew had celebrated the new slip stream drive in engineering, complete with a christening bottle of champagne.
Chakotay reached over and pulled some remaining confetti out of Kathryn's hair. He couldn't believe how lovely she looked. Secretly, he felt sad about this final night together on Voyager. He missed her already even in the wake of her euphoria.
"Thank you for standing with me on this, Chakotay. I know you've been much more cautious about everything than I have. I do appreciate your support."
"I'm always with you, Kathryn. You know that…"
"Yes, but I know sometimes it's difficult to follow an idea you don't completely believe in."
"It's you I believe in."
Kathryn leaned forward and took his hand. He felt the softness of hers mingle with the strength in his own. He couldn't love her more if they had been lovers for years. But like anything else, there had to be a beginning to everything. He hoped tonight would be theirs.
"If everything goes well tomorrow, it may be some time before we get to be alone like this."
"Are you still worried about the Maquis? I told you, Chakotay… Starfleet has assured me that all of you will be treated fairly."
"I'm glad you trust them. And I trust you, so I'm hoping for the best." He continued to hold and caress her hand. Watching their hands entwining, she started running circles around his palm with the tip of her index finger. The sensation warmed him and he felt himself hardening from the simple act. It had been too long for both of them and he hoped that this last night in the quadrant would be spent wrapped in each other's arms.
With his other hand, he fished in his pants pocket and pulled out a small, white package. "I have something that I'd like you to have. I've been waiting a long time to give it to you."
Her face lit up in a grin followed quickly by a frown. "Oh! I didn't know… I don't have anything for you."
"Just open it."
She released his hand and picked the tissue paper open bit by bit. Inside was a small leather pouch. Kathryn pulled at the drawstring until the pouch opened to reveal a silver and gold charm with a chain. "Your charm! I thought you never took this off."
"I haven't in more than five years. I took it off to give to you."
"But… I thought this was a gift from someone you'd been in love with. When you showed it to me before, you said it meant something about a promise. I always thought… I mean, I just assumed… Why are you giving it to me?"
"It's an amulet. It opens. See that little raised part on the top? Depress it and turn the top."
Kathryn's brow furrowed in concentration as she did as he told. When the top popped off, she gasped, catching the two parts in her hand. "Why…?" "See what's inside." He gestured for her to turn it over.
Kathryn tilted the piece over in her hand and they both watched as four rank pips spilled out onto her palm and collapsed in a row like rounded, fallen dominoes. "My pips…" Several moments passed before she managed to look up at Chakotay. Her moist eyes shone. "You saved them all of these years…"
"I told you I needed some sort of marker to remind you of my favor."
"Oh, I hadn't forgotten. I remember how dashing and dangerous you were. You know, I was just a little disappointed that you didn't hold me to my offer…" She smiled and looked down, shy even now at this revelation.
"You were still in love with Mark, or I would have…"
"Oh Chakotay, be serious! You wouldn't have taken advantage of me like that!"
Kathryn's laughter died in her throat at the look of passion on his face.
"I wish I'd made you my lover that night. I could have made you forget about Mark and we'd have had all of these years together…"
"I'm glad you didn't. I don't know if I could have forgiven you if you had…" She knew it was a lie before it left her lips. She'd have fallen in love with him easily.
"I'm calling in my marker, Kathryn…" Reaching for her, he pulled her close to him on the sofa and pressed his mouth to her forehead before he had the courage to meet her eyes. "Tonight, love…"
She traced his lips with the tip of her finger. "No. Please, Chakotay…Give me one more night to get us home."
"What are you saying? There's no guarantee that we'll survive the trip! I've waited for you all of these years and I don't want to wait another moment." His mouth covered hers swallowing her protest. Pushing her onto her back, he held her face as his tongue plunged between her lips, stabbing past her teeth, swirling into heat and wetness.
With all of her physical and emotional strength, she shoved at him, separating their mouths. She could feel him, hard against her and it took all of her fortitude to say, "Stop!"
Moving out from under him, she sat up and then stood, putting distance between them. "I've waited too long for this. I won't jeopardize your freedom and the Maquis for an eleventh hour tryst. I'm in this for the long haul, Chakotay. As your captain, my opinion holds some weight with Starfleet. I want to be able to vouch for you as your commanding officer. If we're lovers then…well, my opinion will only matter to the tabloid reporters."
So that's what had kept her at bay all these years. At first he'd thought it was loyalty to the fiancé, and then he'd been convinced she didn't let it happen out of some sort of twisted self-punishment for stranding them here. But she'd denied them in order to protect him and his crew…
Sitting back down on the sofa, Kathryn took his hand in hers. "Just give me one more evening… Either we'll be safe in the Alpha Quadrant, or here, nursing our bruised egos… But I promise you… I'll let you redeem these." She held up her fist with the rank pips still tight within. "We've both waited long enough…"
"What if we don't make it? What if this is our only chance, and we're letting it pass us by, like we've done so many hundreds of times? I'm not sure I can live with that, Kathryn…"
She smiled her twisted smile. "You've trusted me to keep my promise for this long… Don't you think you can trust me a little longer?" Her hand dropped to his thigh and rubbed upward along the fabric of his trousers. Finally reaching the hot length of his sex, she caressed him through the material. "I promise… Tomorrow night…"
~ ^ ~
What if we don't make it? What if this is our only chance, and we're letting it pass us by, like we've done so many hundreds of times? I'm not sure I can live with that, Kathryn…
But he had lived with it. For too many years, he'd lived waiting for tomorrow night. Actively seeking it, creating it. His worst nightmare had come to pass-the one in which he lived and she did not. Chakotay didn't like the person he'd become. Pain had seeped its way into him over the years until he was as frozen inside as Kathryn. But if things worked out the way he and Harry planned, the man that he was would never exist. He'd never have to bear a life without her. She'd made a promise and he intended to keep her to it…
As he stared down at Kathryn's frozen body, he marveled at her beauty, even in death. Reaching down to touch her, Chakotay felt the frost on her chin flake away under his glove. When he didn't find what he searched for, he took off his glove and ran a finger around Kathryn's neck, breaking away the frozen material of her collar. He pulled off the other glove and encircled her neck with both hands, almost frantic with the need to feel the chain he'd given her. But Chakotay found nothing.
He was wasting too much time on folly. What difference did it make whether she wore the marker? He'd been certain of her love at the time. So why did it hurt when he didn't find it? Maybe she'd left it in her quarters. He wouldn't have the time to look, not that it mattered in the least. If all went well here, he wouldn't even remember searching for the charm. He wouldn't remember his disappointment that she didn't wear it in death.
Chakotay stood with difficulty. The cold did this to his knees now. With sadness, he turned from Kathryn's frozen face and made his way to sickbay… He had a date to keep…
~ ^ ~
They lay cocooned in each other's warmth, Kathryn's body draped across him as he softened inside of her. His hands moved slowly over her, savoring the feel of her skin and the flesh beneath it.
She'd wasted no time in paying her debt, launching herself at him as soon as he entered her quarters. Lovemaking that started fast and frantic turned slow and sensual as they learned to please and take pleasure in each other. They'd cheated time and fate and both of them knew it, thanks to Harry's message from the future.
A shiver ran up Chakotay's spine and Kathryn must have felt him tremble.
"What is it? What are you thinking?"
"He-I-would have been with Harry. I'm just imagining how it must have felt to live all of those years without you."
"Don't. It'll never happen, now. You two changed the timeline and that Chakotay will never exist."
"But doesn't it bother you that he had to wait his entire life for this…" He nodded at their entangled bodies. "And then he really didn't get this after all. He's not here, I am."
"You know this makes my head hurt. Besides, maybe it's best in the long run that we did wait one more night."
Chakotay pulled her hair away from her face and looked at her incredulously. "How can you say that? They'd been so close to having it all. And then he lost her. At least if this had happened last night-"
"Then maybe he wouldn't have had the drive to come back for her. He'd only have the memory and I wouldn't have you right now."
"Oh… So you think he came to get her because she still owed him…"
"Maybe… We'll never know for sure."
"Kathryn."
"Yes."
"Do you think he saw her? Dead, I mean…"
"Chakotay! What a grisly thought! I certainly hope not… I couldn't have looked very good, dead all those years. Really!"
"No. It was cold. Maybe the bodies were frozen and you looked just like you did yesterday."
"Maybe… But it still would have been awful for him."
Kathryn rolled off of him and pulled the sheet over her cooling body. As she tugged at the covers, the charm around her neck dropped to the pillow under her head with a tiny thump.
Picking up the amulet, Chakotay fingered the markings. It looked so odd against her skin after having seen it in the mirror against his own for so many years. It would take some getting used to.
"If he did find you on the bridge, I bet I know what he did."
"What do you mean?"
"This. I bet he looked to see if you were wearing it."
"You're being maudlin, now. Stop it…"
"He would have, though… He's me, remember? I'd have wanted to see it after so long."
Kathryn's face blanched and she sat up in bed. "Do you really think so?"
"I'm certain…"
Burying her face in her hands, she cried out.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
"I didn't have it on! I couldn't bear to have it under my uniform. I wanted to feel it. I kept it in my hand on the bridge. I was holding it when we entered the slipstream!"
"So he found it in your hand…"
"No! You said he'd look around my neck. And it wasn't there." Kathryn settled back onto her pillow, sighing as she did so. "It's just so sad I can hardly stand it…"
Chakotay pulled her to him and tucked her into his embrace. "He doesn't exist anymore, remember?"
"But he did… Or we wouldn't be here now." A tiny sob shook Kathryn's chest. "I hope he found it. And I hope he knew it was important to me". "I wouldn't worry about that… Everything's fine and we're here now, together." Chakotay kissed her tenderly on the eyes and nose before moving to her mouth and tasting her deeply. "I love you. And however it worked out for them, I'm glad we have this time together. I'm never going to let you go, now…"
~ ^ ~
Back on the bridge, Chakotay stepped past Kathryn's frozen corpse, fighting the urge to kneel next to her again. It still bothered him that he hadn't found the necklace and he wondered if it meant anything in particular. Did its absence mean that she didn't care for him in the way he'd hoped? Their veiled declarations all of those years ago had blurred in his mind until he wondered if he'd read her all wrong.
One more minute. He'd allow himself that much time. His stiff knees wouldn't bend the way he wanted them to and as he knelt beside her, he jostled her arm slightly. The movement caused her frozen body to shift. As he touched the frost dusting her face, the light from his wrist beacon reflected off of something she held. Chakotay's heart thumped wildly in his chest as he aimed the light at her fisted hand.
He immediately recognized the shiny chain winding in and out of her fingers. The charm, however, lay deeply caged in her hand.
Satisfied, He rose to his feet with some difficulty. He'd seen what he'd needed to see. With a sense of peace he hadn't felt in years, Chakotay called for his beamout…
© Char, August 2006 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.