Disclaimer: All characters belong to Paramount, the order of the words belongs to me.
Rated R
Part 3: Finding the Stars
By unspoken agreement they didn't mention the future. Kathryn stayed, blending seamlessly into his life in the desert. Chakotay was reminded of New Earth; the quiet companionship they had shared working on their own projects, and the achievement of small milestones.
Inevitably, she saw the carving he was working on as he didn't try to hide it, but instead let it stand as the silent reminder of what they needed to resolve. The first time she saw it was a deliberate move on his part. After breakfast, two mornings after her arrival, he took her hand and walked with her down the verandah, to where the heavy piece of wood was propped up against the side of the cabin. With care, he drew aside the sheet covering the carving. The timber glowed warm in the morning sun, making the wood seem alive, pulsing with a quiet energy. The lines he had etched on the surface stood out in stark relief.
"It's beautiful." Kathryn stood beside him as he brushed his hands over the shape, removing invisible dust.
He glanced at her sideways, curious to see her reaction.
Her hand reached out and traced the lines on the flat plane of the wood. "Do you intend this to be for our bed?"
The question was superfluous. He sensed that she knew the significance. If she remained, then his carving would arch up over their bed for years to come, etched with the lines of alien stars, gilded curls of New Earth vegetation, faces of the dead and the living. And among them all, the lines of the small brave ship that they knew so well - Voyager soaring amid the map of their lives.
He turned to her, taking her hand, entwining his fingers firmly with hers. "If you bind your life to mine, then this headboard will be a gift to you."
Kathryn didn't ask what would happen if she walked away, but the words hovered between them for long moments like a phantasm. Instead of answering, she drew him toward her, seeking his lips, running small hands over his chest, finding the points of nipple, brushing down to the waistband of his pants.
He seized the distraction she offered, and took her harder than normal, pounding into her body with needy desperation, gripping her tightly to him as she shuddered around him, her back against the wooden cabin wall. The timber would abrade her delicate skin, he realized in the lucid moment between the shifting stars of approaching orgasm, but he couldn't stop, not this time. A mark on her body to match the mark in his soul.
The days moved past. Keana visited, curiosity in her gaze, and she sat and talked with Kathryn while he sanded the headboard, smoothing the lines with loving care. Sometimes the two women would walk out over the shining desert, far enough away that their figures blurred in the heat haze, Perdita slipstreaming behind them like a displaced shadow.
Often Kathryn would slip away from him in the night. If he woke, and he often did, then he would follow her, and find her on the verandah, curled up in his chair, talking to Perdita in a quiet voice. The hound would gaze at her with adoring eyes, but sensing her master, would always leave and move over to him and press her head into his palm. Then Kathryn would look up, see him there, and she would cross to his side as Perdita did, and raise her mouth for his kiss. But the sadness he saw in her eyes told him her thoughts.
And then B'Elanna visited, distraught and alone, and Chakotay realized they were not the only Voyager couple struggling with this particular dilemma. She came at night, banging on the door of the cabin until he answered. When the door swung open, she threw herself into his arms, and her tears slipped over his skin like the summer monsoon.
Although he had never told her about Kathryn, B'Elanna didn't seem too surprised when she joined them on the verandah wearing his sarong. Twisting the handkerchief he proffered between her fingers, B'Elanna told them her problem.
"Tom wants to fly," she said. "We've been on Earth for ten months, nearly half of that as 'guests' of Starfleet, but already he wants to leave."
"And you?" Kathryn asked the question, no hint of their own dilemma in her voice.
"I don't know." Uncharacteristically, B'Elanna seemed at a loss. "I miss space of course, but there's Miral to consider now. I think she needs roots that go beyond those of a metal hull."
"She needs a mother who is happy," said Chakotay. "She needs a mother who follows her dreams, not one who passively lives her life through her child."
B'Elanna turned wet eyes to him. "Tell that to Tom's parents," she said. "Their ideas of parenting went out in the twentieth century. They think I should stay at home with our child."
"Only if you want to," Kathryn said gently. She coaxed the wet handkerchief from B'Elanna's hands and took them in her own. Her fingers rhythmically stroked their backs. "If there was no Miral, no Tom, what would you do with your life now?"
"But they're here, and I love them. There's no point in thinking of fairytales."
"And they love you. They would want you to be happy."
"Then I'd find a small ship. A fast and valiant one, one with a heart and a soul. Like Voyager. And I'd nurture her engines like a child, and together we'd explore the galaxy."
"What does Tom want to do?" Chakotay asked the question softly. He'd seldom seen his dear friend so unsure. So willing to give up her dreams for those she loved.
"Tom wants that same small, steadfast ship. He wants to steer her through unfamiliar stars and live his life through the viewscreen. He's found her too and is looking for investors."
"Investors?" Chakotay phrased the word carefully, through suddenly dry lips.
"She's a scientific research vessel. Small, fast, maneuverable. An experimental design from a few years ago that was rejected - they had problems with stability and unreliable engineering. But I know I could make her fly." B'Elanna's eyes took on a far away look. "Tom thinks we can go off together, the three of us, as well as a small team of scientists, and make our living as we go. Scientists for hire. There's quite a market for it, according to him. And he says Miral will be happy with the galaxy for her home, as long as she has parents who love her."
"And has he found the science team yet?" Kathryn's voice was neutral, but her eyes... She looked at him, and he saw in her eyes the same leap of hope that he was feeling.
"No. We're at a stalemate. I won't live all my life in space; he won't live all his life on Earth."
Kathryn leaned forward, and Chakotay saw that her grip left white marks on B'Elanna's darker skin. "Would he--would you--consider working with another couple in this venture?" she asked. "A couple who lean towards the science side of the project rather than the engineering and piloting. A couple who have the same dilemma as you, who could envisage splitting the time. Six months in space, six months on Earth. They have the finances you need, and they have the same motivation to succeed. Their happiness hinges on finding a solution, just as yours does."
B'Elanna's voice sounded weary. Heavy, as if this was a topic that she had debated endlessly over the past weeks. "We've tried. It seems no one wants that. They either want to be out doing deep space research, or they want to do cargo ship hops to the edges of our solar system. Or they have the dream that we do, but not the finance. I don't know of any couple that you speak of... Oh!" She broke off and studied them. "Are you saying?" she prodded gently. "The two of you...?"
Kathryn quirked an eyebrow at him, and her slight frame was taut, as if she held herself on the edge of forever. And she did, he realized, for this was their solution, as well as Tom and B'Elanna's. It was a compromise. Six months on Earth, dreaming the quiet dreams of settlement, working with his hands to build a home for Kathryn and himself. Nights of loving and days of togetherness. The chance to delve deep within themselves and learn the possibilities of the soul. And then six months amid the stars, letting their minds roam free with the potentials that research presented. With the chance to really know what was out there around them, the possibilities that existed outside of the human body.
"Yes," he said. "Kathryn and I. We'll be your scientists and co-investors."
***
Later that morning, as B'Elanna slept the deep and leaden sleep of the exhausted, they talked. Chakotay held her close to his side, fingers soothing the soft skin of her waist.
"It will work," he said. "It's not ideal, but we'll make it work."
"We will. It will." Her shining eyes told him of her commitment. "And later, if we or Tom and B'Elanna want to change the time we spend in space, then we can expand. Find other people to join us."
"And who will captain this ship?" he asked, and the question was only half joking.
She looked at him, and there was so much love in her eyes that his breath caught. "Well, a scientist, pilot, and engineer can't. You will lead us, Chakotay."
"I'm an anthropologist," he reminded her, as if she would ever forget.
"I know. And you'll do that too. But I think it's definitely your turn to be captain."
At their feet Perdita whined softly, and Kathryn bent to tug her ears. "Perdita can come too. She won't be the first dog to go into space. She can look to the stars as we do."
"Kathryn..." He turned to her, finally to think he could ask the question aloud, to offer her, once again, his gift.
She moved forward and took his face between both hands. "Once," she said, "you gave me a gift, one that I couldn't accept at the time. And recently, even though I wanted to, I wouldn't take what you offered if we couldn't find a compromise. But now," and her smile infiltrated its way into the shadowy corners of his heart. "Now I can finally take what you offer. And give you this in return. And now, I do mean it and I'll be with you for as long as you want me. I love you, Chakotay."
He offered her his name.
She accepted.
© Shayenne, October 2002 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.