Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything. I get nothing from this.
Rated NC-17 for swearing and explicit sex.
Part 2, of a trilogy, continuing the story started in What The Crew Doesn't Know.
Chakotay's POV of the same events.
We have a date tonight.
Six years we've known each other. For six years we've fought, flirted, fucked, laughed, loved, comforted and sulked. This morning I saw her cry and tonight we have our first date.
We've come nearly a full circle.
Kathryn the contradiction. Kathryn whose presence has defined my life for the past six years, whether she meant to or not. Kathryn my lover, although I doubt she thinks of herself as that.
We've lived our relationship backwards I think. No, not even that. We've been through every stage there is of a relationship, just in a jumble of order. We've had passion. Love. Hate. Indifference. Friendship. Now I am hoping we can bring them all together to make a whole.
When I was first on her ship, I wanted her. I wanted her so badly that I used to lie awake at night, shaking with it. I could think of no-one else. Seska became as insignificant as a fly on the wall. She realized that and hated me for it, hated me pushing her from what used to be our bed. Seska wanted me but I didn't care. If I couldn't have Kathryn, I didn't want anyone.
Kathryn wanted me too, but in a different way. She just wanted my body in hers, the physical release. Don't get me wrong, I wanted that as well, I wanted that the most. But I saw something that she didn't see. I saw that we had the potential to be far more to each other.
The first time I came to her was an epiphany. There is no other word for it. We didn't say anything, but within five minutes of entering her quarters I was inside her, hammering my way into her body, branding her as mine. There was no room for any conscious thought, indeed there was no time for it. A minute later I was coming, she was coming and things would never be the same again. I left more than my seed inside her that night. I left part of my soul, although it took me a while to realize it.
When we finished, when I had withdrawn from her body, I was scared. Bone deep, crying child scared. I was terrified that I had started something that I couldn't control. There was no thought of holding her, stroking her through the night, no thought of making love to her again. No, I had to go, run away and hide. And think about what had happened. I watched her taste me from the inside of her thighs, her eyes closed briefly and I could see the lust on her face.
I did the only thing I could think of to keep my sanity. I left.
In my quarters I swore that I would not go back. I sensed that in Kathryn I had met someone I could not control, could not equal and who would destroy me. I lay there on my bunk instead, reliving those frantic five minutes over and over again. And then of course I had to masturbate. Still I swore I would never go back.
I was back there less than twenty-four hours later. It was the same as before. I walked in. Ripped her clothes off - she was in uniform this time and that made it even more exciting. This time I pushed her to the floor put my mouth over her breast and bit hard as I pushed my way up inside her. She raked my back as she came, this time crying out loudly and her excitement pushed me over the edge, spasming inside her, sublimating myself in her. I did up my fly and left her lying, sprawled on the floor.
I figured out early on how she rationalized it. To her, sex and love were separate. Virgin and whore. She felt that she could not love anyone who gave her sex like this. Ergo, she didn't love me. Mark, her fiancé, well she must have had sex with him, but I think it must have been pretty tame. I don't think she ever screamed his name as she came and came again under his mouth. She never screamed mine either, but she did scream.
Once I realized how she saw me, how she justified her choices, I realized that I could not let myself love her, as that would be handing her the weapon to destroy me. I did give her more of myself over time, never tenderness, but I did try reaching out to her in small, subtle ways. When we had sex, I would try and connect with her just a little deeper than purely the fucking. We talked a little, but I couldn't reach that inner Kathryn, the one who craved more then just a human vibrator. I know I didn't try as hard as I might to reach her, because if I had succeeded then we would have been forced to confront our feelings. Real feelings. Love. And I was still too unsure to try.
I talked to my animal guide about her. My beautiful she-wolf stared at me with incandescent golden eyes and told me that this was the only woman I would ever love. I howled my disbelief at her, raged that I could not love such a person, but my guide was immutable on this. Kathryn was my soulmate and I would never be truly happy again without her. In denial, I didn't visit my animal guide again until we were on New Earth.
My unease over our relationship subsided over time, so that when we were left on New Earth I was willing to try for a bit more. I wanted to try and change her way of thinking, try and get her to combine sex and love and realize that she could have it all in me.
Take it from me, never try to change someone you love. Change has to come from within. By New Earth, I wanted more. I was more willing to give of myself, and Kathryn took all I gave. It was a one-way street, I never gained anything more of her in return, but still I gave. I wanted to spend the night with her. I wanted not to have to walk out after our couplings. I wanted to curl up with her, stroke her, cherish her. But I had dug the trap that very first night by walking out afterwards and now I could see no way to change it.
I kept trying. I loved her. I don't know when I admitted it to myself, but I did. I wanted to ease her path, hold her, make her happy, make her smile, and selfishly, I wanted to see her smile for me, I wanted her to love me.
She didn't love me.
When I thought we were getting closer, becoming true friends as well as fuck buddies, I told her that I loved her. Oh, I disguised it well enough that she could have chosen to be obtuse and miss the meaning if she wanted to, but she understood. She didn't say anything in return, but for a moment the hard "Don't come close" mask cracked and wavered. That night was the only night she made love to me. I have made love to her many, many times, but that night she showed me tenderness, and gave me pleasure for my sake instead of hers. She stroked me, caressed me and showed me a crack in her shell that let my spirit insinuate its way in, just a little. Enough to see the scared child that lived within, enough to see the insecurity that manifested in a need to control and to dominate people she felt she could care about. For if she dominated them, she could never love them.
I had hoped to wake that morning with her in my arms, but when the sun came through the window she was gone. The shell came back in place, the wall was rebuilt even higher. She never let me get that close to her again, at least not while we were lovers. Instead of things being better from that point on, they got worse. She started to pull back from me. Whatever semblance of companionship we had achieved evaporated with the morning sun. Even the sex stopped. I think she was tiring of me, empty sex is just that when it comes down to it, and it wasn't enough for me either so I stopped coming to her bed.
I was pleased when the ship came back for us. I don't know how we could have lived the next fifty years together otherwise.
I still loved her, but she didn't let me get close. Professional, distant, only occasionally did we achieve anything resembling intimacy. I think she knew I still loved her, but she rejected it.
Eventually I fell out of love with her of course. No man can take such repeated rejections and still come back for more. I missed loving her, tried other women, but sex with them was as empty as it had been with Kathryn when I knew that she didn't love me back.
And inevitably she needed a fuck buddy. I don't know how many she had, I only know for sure about Kashyk because I walked in on them. I knew she was attracted to him, that lean hairy body, that predatory animal sexuality. She didn't stand a chance of resisting.
They spent a couple of evenings together, working so they said. I knew better. And then I saw it with my own eyes. I had come to give her a report. Rang the chime on her quarters. There was no answer, so I keyed in the override, thinking I would leave it on her desk to save returning later.
The door opened and I saw them. Kashyk was sitting naked on the sofa, his legs apart. His body was muscled and covered with a mat of thick, dark hair. Kathryn was on all fours in front of him, also naked. His hands were tangled in her hair and her mouth was wrapped around his cock.
She didn't see me, but he did. He saw the expression in my eyes and smiled a cruel smile. Played it up for my benefit, started thrusting into her mouth. Letting me know that he had her. I turned and left.
She wanted him to stay on Voyager, but I knew he wouldn't. Knew he was going to betray us, her, everyone. At least I had the satisfaction of being right. I was glad he went, if Kathryn found another long-term fuck buddy I don't think I could have stayed around. She never took any of the crew - at least I don't think that she did.
I asked B'Elanna once if she thought that Paris and the Captain had ever had anything going. I was having trouble coping with the way things were, and I needed to know, even if I didn't like the answer. I figured if she had anyone on the crew it would be Tom. With his blatant little-boy sexuality and slightly cruel mouth he seemed to fit her requirements.
B'Elanna looked at me as if I had grown a leola root from my head. "Tom? And the Captain? What hallucinogenic are you on?"
She saw my twisted expression and softened. "No Chakotay. If it's any consolation to you I don't think she wants anyone."
It was no consolation of course, because I knew B'Elanna was wrong.
That was when I made myself fall out of love with her. It wasn't easy, you can no more make yourself not love someone as you can make yourself fall in love in the first place. But I tried. Told myself I didn't care, that really friends was all we could hope to be. I tried to talk to my animal guide, but she laughed at me. Laughed! She had never done that before. A couple of times, I couldn't even find her to talk to. She was disgusted with me, but she never abandoned me totally. And when I finally visited her expressly to ask her what I should do about Kathryn, and how could I be happy, she gave me the answer that has sustained me to the present.
"Just love her," said my wolf. "She does not return your love yet, but she needs you. Treat her kindly, bring some light and laughter into her life, give freely of yourself but don't expect anything in return. You will eventually take your place in her heart."
My eyes moistened. My guide had given me hope but also made the road sound a rocky, lonely one. I said as much to her.
"It will not be easy. You will be alone, but you always have me. And you may gain a prize above all other."
Then she did something she had never done before. She came over to where I sat and licked my face with her rough tongue. The affection was my undoing. I put my arms around her, buried my face in the thick hair of her ruff and cried, my tears slipping silently into her fur as I cried for sad, muddled Kathryn and lonely, hopeless Chakotay.
Things improved. I did fall out of love with Kathryn, but I *loved* her more then ever. Truly loved her, complete with all her faults, insecurities and moods. For the first time we became real friends and I began slowly to hope that my guide was right. Oh we still disagreed, but we played, shared some good times and grew close.
As she grew closer to me, she began to confide in me. It was difficult to hear her talk about Mark, the man she once loved, but it did help me to understand her. She never mentioned Kashyk. I think that once we became friends she felt uncomfortable discussing that side of her, her physical needs.
But friendship is a double-edged sword. I knew that Kathryn cared about me as her friend, but I realized I was fooling myself still. I wanted her to love me as a lover. My she-wolf looked at me with sad, knowing eyes but didn't offer any advice.
Until this morning we were at a status quo. Then this morning she cried in my arms. This morning she told me she loved me. This morning I kissed her for the first time since New Earth. And what a kiss it was. It was the kiss of my dreams, a kiss of promise and hope. She kissed me back and I felt a coming together of all of the Kathryns. Kathryn my friend. Kathryn my completeness. And Kathryn the passionate.
We're going to try, she and I. I know it won't be easy, but I think we are as close now to happiness together as we've ever been. I'm not going to let her retreat into a purely physical relationship, we've done that and it nearly destroyed us. I am going to court her for want of a better word. Gentle, old fashioned courting. We'll kiss, we'll caress, but we won't rip each other's clothes off and fuck against a wall. First I have to show her that the virgin and the whore can coexist and that both are equally loveable. That sex and love can go hand in hand. That she can be passionate and abandoned with me and I will still love her. That she can cry in my arms, and sleep in my arms and I will still love her. I will give her confidence in herself as a woman, and I will let her love me back.
She's coming to my quarters for dinner. My quarters where we are on neutral ground. And I will take her hand, kiss her slowly and lead her into our new life. Together.
Feedback? Yeah, right. Shayenne
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