NEVER ONCE

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm just playing. Paramount owns 'em. Yada, yada, yada......

I have to say it, I'm a fan-fic virgin. Never done this before. So I'll apologise in advance 'cos I'm sure the tenses, viewpoints, grammer etc. are all skewed, but after reading so much stuff I had to try my hand at it. Constructive criticism most welcome.

Inspired by YCD and Malabeth, not that they know who I am, but your stuff is the stuff I like the best guys.

She thought it would be an evening like any other. She had no idea that the axe was about to fall when he came to her quarters as he always did. He had walked in, smiled at her as usual. Handed her a few reports, cracked a joke. Accepted a cup of tea and sat on the couch with her. As he always did.

The conversation ran along normal lines; ships systems, reports, the crew. The only unusual item they had to discuss was the request by a handful of crew members to settle permanently on the planet they were currently orbiting.

Phrane was a lush green planet populated by a race of short, but extremely friendly, humanoids. It had a pleasing mix of cities and open areas, and all of the crew had enjoyed several days shore leave there. Three members of the crew had requested to stay.

"Crewmen Franks, Hirozi, and Ensign Lopez have requested to remain," said Kathryn. "Their duties can easily be covered. There is nothing in particular we need to do before we grant their request."

"Agreed," replied Chakotay, "but there is also a fourth member of the crew who wishes to remain."

"Oh? I didn't know there was anyone else."

He was suddenly very still. "Me." He said the word quietly.

"Huh? Sorry, Chakotay, for a minute I thought you said that you wanted to stay behind."

"I did. I do."

Her head snapped up and she stared at him. He didn't meet her eyes.

"You want to leave Voyager and settle on Phrane?" she heard herself ask.

"Yes, Kathryn." Finality in his voice.

"But …. I ….we need you," she burst out.

He finally met her eyes, and with visible effort continued. "Kathryn, there is nothing here for me anymore." He shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry, but that's the truth."

She stared at him saying nothing.

He continued, "The one thing I have always wanted on Voyager is the one thing I can never have. I can't wait around for you any longer, it's time for me to move on with my life and I can't do that sitting next to you every day. My bags will be on that shuttle. Maybe away from you I can find my peace."

Kathryn moved away from him. "I thought we were friends?"

"We are friends," replied Chakotay, "but you know I have wanted more, more than you can give me. On New Earth, I thought we were close to being honest, close to loving each other, but even there, with no-one else to distract us, I wasn't enough for you. If I couldn't make you love me then, how can I possibly continue to hope you ever will? I'm sorry, Kathryn, I can't keep living in this limbo anymore."

He rose and walked past her toward the door. She heard his softly whispered words, although whether they were intended for her ears she didn't know.

"We never once made love and that is the one thing I will regret to my dying day."

Kathryn had been pacing in her quarters for some time. Three cups of cold coffee stood untouched on the low table. With an unsteady hand she replicated a fourth cup, only to take a sip and put it down with the others, uncaring of the rings the mug made on the smooth wooden finish. She resumed her pacing. With a shaky hand, she pushed her matted hair back of her face. The unthinkable was happening, would happen, and she had to face it, accept his decision and move on.

"How?" demanded a small voice inside her. "How can you hope to move on without him now, when you have been unable to put him aside for all these years? How can you let him go when he is your strength, your support, your love?"

Yes, that was it. Her love.

His words drifted into her mind. "We never once made love...".

She knew she loved him, although she took great pains to conceal it from him. She had thought he would wait, had thought that they would have time to explore their feelings in the future … maybe when they got home, maybe even at some cloudy unspecified future time on Voyager, when home was a distant enough memory that it wouldn't matter. Some distant time to be determined by her, her alone, never him. Kathryn knew that he would have given her what she wanted, but she had also believed that it was hers for the taking *when* she wanted. She was wrong. He couldn't take it, the waiting, the unresolved endings, the crumbs she dropped, the half-whispered half-promise of sometime soon.

"We never once made love..."

And now they never would.

A thought crept into her chaotic mind, insistently pushing its way to the forefront. They could make love. They could make love tonight and each could take the memories away of what might have been. Could fold these memories away, smoothing the creases out of them with a gentle hand, refine them, polish them, to be stored away in a deep corner of the mind, to be taken out, examined, treasured and kept alive when the pain of being alone became too much.

No. She couldn't do that to him however much she might want it for herself. He would see it as manipulation. A last desperate attempt to keep him on the ship. She didn't want that to be his last memory of her. Let him see her strong, not begging for his crumbs.

As he had begged for hers.

She sat on the couch, automatically reaching for one of the mugs there. The cold coffee was a shock. How long had she been here?

"We never once made love and that is the one thing I will regret to my dying day."

Maybe he would accept a night. Maybe he desired it as much as she, and maybe he too would rather have a sweet promise of what might have been than nothing at all. She owed it to herself--and to him--to at least try, to give him the option, let him chose. If he turned her down, that was his prerogative. Hell, she wouldn't blame him if he did after all her rejections of his tentative overtures.

Kathryn stood up and looked at herself in the full-length mirror. Tangled red hair framed a face smudgy from lack of sleep. No make up. White cotton shirt. Twentieth century blue jeans, slightly loose in the waist. Bare feet.

She turned from the mirror. "Just go," she told herself.

"Computer, location of Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

"Is he alone?"

"Affirmative."

Leaving her quarters, she padded the short distance down the corridor to his door and rang the bell. A minute. Another minute. She was turning to go when the door swooshed open and Chakotay stood there, looking down at her.

"May I come in?"

Standing aside, he gestured her wordlessly into his quarters.

She looked around, noting the absence of his possessions. No sand paintings. No figurine. His shoes abandoned in the middle of the room. The quarters had a bare, empty look as if the owner had already moved on.

"Why are you here, Kathryn?"

Now that she was here, she didn't know what to say, or even how to start. He was looking at her with shuttered eyes, hands by his sides. If he knew why she was here, he wasn't going to help her.

"Chakotay, I…."

She stopped. Sighed. Tried to restart.

"I heard what you said as you left my quarters yesterday."

His eyes gave no flicker of recognition, and his closed face offered no indication he was even listening.

"You said, 'We never once made love and that is the one thing I will regret to my dying day.'"

Still, he said nothing.

"I'm here now. If you want me, if you want us to make love, then we have tonight." She lifted her chin and met his eyes.

Nothing. No reaction.

*

Chakotay looked down at her, seeing her lifted chin and suspiciously bright eyes. He could guess what it had cost her to come here and say this. His heart sped momentarily, before reason kicked in. She was trying a last ditch attempt to keep him here. When she entered the room, he had mentally braced himself for something, a final plea, an appeal to reason, for the good of the crew, for the good of the ship. Maybe an appeal from her, his friend Kathryn. He certainly hadn't expected this.

"Who wants this, "he finally said, "the captain or Kathryn?"

"Kathryn."

"Why now?"

"It was what you said. Your going might destroy me, Chakotay, but I'm not going to try and change your mind. I just wanted …" her voice caught and she took a deep, shuddering breath before resuming, " I just wanted something to remember what might have been."

*

The silence stretched taut between them. Too long. She turned to go. Took two steps towards the door, a third, before he pounced, swift as a cat and just as soundless in his bare feet.

He grabbed her arms, swinging her around, and lifted her arms above her head and pushed her roughly back against the wall. His hot mouth came down on hers and the inferno lit. His tongue pushed past her lips, scraping her teeth until she opened her mouth and let him in. So hot, so wet, so sweet.

His hips pushed into hers so that she could feel the thick length of him pushing against her stomach. So hard, so quickly. Her breasts flattened against his chest and he kissed her roughly, bruising her lips, demanding everything from her, holding nothing back himself. She could feel his hot breath, taste the peppermint tea he must have been drinking when she entered, feel the sweep of his tongue around her mouth, feel the moisture of their mouths mirroring the moisture between her legs. She struggled against the hand still pinning her wrists above her head, wanting to hold him, feel him, touch him like he was touching her. He released her, and she burrowed both hands into his thick, soft hair, touching his face, his neck, his skin.

He groaned and lifted her up against the wall, his hips still undulating against her as he cupped her buttocks in both his large hands. She spread her legs and he moved between them dry humping her through their clothes. Impatiently she burrowed her hands underneath the cream linen shirt he wore, spreading her hands over his back, smoothing his taut muscles, feeling the heat of him burning her.

His hands moved again, lowering her, letting her slide down his body as he pulled at the white shirt she wore, working the buttons then tearing, wanting to see her. The shirt was gone, his hands fumbled with the button fly of her jeans, pulling and popping it apart, pushing her jeans down her hips before sliding a hot hand down inside her practical cotton panties to curl a large finger down through her folds, passing over her nub, up through the slickness, up inside her as far as he could reach.

Kathryn moaned, she was teetering on the brink. One part of her delighted in his response, how quick, how rough, how urgent. Another part wanted to slow down, this was him, this was Chakotay, this was her love. This was all the time they had.

She looked in his face, seeing the tension, the awful longing, the lust, the animal. She pushed him away with all her force. He was startled and his lips and hands left her. He looked momentarily startled, so far gone in his lust that the intrusion left him disoriented.

Quickly she stripped off her jeans and panties in one swift movement, then reached around for the clip on her bra and let it fall.

His eyes never left hers as he too shed his clothes. His smooth, nearly hairless chest was exposed. He hooked his fingers in his jeans and pants and pushed them down together and his thick erection stood free, a drop of moisture already on the tip. She grasped him, running a thumb over the top of him, spreading the moisture. He groaned and reached for her, steering her around, pushing her backwards, a few steps, a few more. Into his bedroom and down on the bed.

She fell back and he was on top of her, his tongue pushing into her mouth, his hot breath panting into her. He was between her legs. She reached for his penis and guided him to her entrance. He pushed into her. She howled, a mixture of brief pain, lust and surprise at the wonder of it all. Her cry recalled him from his dazed animal state. He stilled, looking down at her, at her face, tears shimmering in her eyes, felt her stretching around him, so tight, so wet, so slick.

He moved again and she responded, wrapping her legs around him, hands on his buttocks drawing him into her as much as she could. His hips started to undulate, and he thrust into her, faster, harder, sweat pooling between them, skin to skin, running down the creases of her belly, dripping from his contorted face, falling like tears on her. Her orgasm was building. She wouldn't wait. He couldn't wait. His thrusts drove her over the edge, she was keening with the pleasure of it all, her inner muscles clenched like a fist around his penis as she spasmed, relaxed, and spasmed again.

He was shouting too, his face in her hair, his hips jerking as he emptied his hot seed into her, then he collapsed, his full weight on top of her, slick with sweat, her moisture and his spreading over their joined sexes, oozing down their thighs, binding them together.

He lay so still she wondered if he was all right. His weight was crushing her, making it hard to breathe. Experimentally she moved underneath him, and he stirred, rolling off her, his flaccid penis dropping out of her. He rolled on his side, facing towards her, and reached out to draw her into his arms, cradling her protectively against his broad chest, a muscled thigh wrapped around her back and he held her close. Chakotay sighed and tucked his chin on top of her hair. She reached around him to clasp his back, cheek on his smooth chest, hearing his heart beat gradually slowing back to normal.

"Kathryn," he sighed.

She said nothing. There was nothing to be said and she was desperately afraid that if she said anything at all she would start to cry with the awful wonder of it all and the absolute knowledge of what she had let slip through her grasp.

Instead she moved back from his chest and reached up, questing with her mouth to find his lips. She kissed him tenderly, stroking his upper lip with her tongue, nibbling on his lower lip, gently parting his lips to slide her tongue inside. Her fingers rose to stroke his cheek, his brow, to trace his shape, committing him to memory.

He responded in kind, stroking her hair, winding it around his fingers, tugging on it gently to tilt her face back as he was drawn into the kiss. His mouth coaxed and explored just as his fingers did, leaving her hair to slide slowly, oh, so slowly over the slope of her shoulders, stroking down her upper arms before returning to her shoulders and dragging down her back.

In return her fingers too were exploring, learning the texture of his skin, so smooth underneath her fingertips, tugging lightly on the sprinkling of dark hairs that hid the flat, male nipples. Feeling the muscles of his abdomen clench under her light touch.

His hands were doing their own exploring, slowly learning the shape and weight of her breast for the first time, stroking the smooth skin underneath their lower slopes, dancing lightly over her nipples. His penis stirred against her thigh, asserted itself a little, drawing a film of their juices over her leg. He wasn't hard yet, but it wouldn't be long.

He shifted his position, straightened his legs, and slid his way down her body with his mouth. Leaving her lips to nibble his way to her ear, her neck, the curve of neck and shoulder. He seemed intent on learning every inch of her skin, humming and sighing wordlessly to himself as he dragged his lips along her breast bone, before shifting to draw a puckered nipple into his mouth. Imperceptibly, the focus shifted. What had started as quiet, post coital tenderness and exploration became more urgent.

His penis was hard again, digging into her hip as he laved and sucked her breasts, his dark head intent over her as he moved from one to the other. Kathryn held his head closely, crying out a little as his lips moved on her breast. He shifted again, his hot mouth tracing a path down her belly, his tongue lapping at her salty skin, his salt, her sweat, blowing softly as he encountered her damp pubic hair, dark with their juices.

Her legs fell apart helplessly and he moved between them. She could feel his eyes on her sex, could picture him studying her and should have felt embarrassed at being so exposed and spread in front of him, but all she do was writhe in anticipation of his next move.

She felt a seeking finger move inside her, then another, as he traced her sex with his fingers, drawing her apart so that he could see the reddened swollen flesh, her exposed nub. He bent his head, and she felt his tongue drag its way slowly, so slowly over her sex, from the very bottom, stiffening to jab inside her before rising slowly to circle her clitoris, flickering lightly over it before returning to lick her flowing juices.

She moaned, and her hands came down to tangle in his hair, holding him there as he licked her in a steady rhythm until she shrieked and stiffened, her bottom arched upwards off the bed, so that he was hard pushed to stay with her as she rode out her climax.

He kissed her damp mound and then moved over her again, to settle in the cradle of her thighs. She lifted her legs slightly, exposing her sex and he slid slowly inside in one smooth movement. She slowly lifted her legs, deepening the penetration until she could feel the tip of his cock rubbing against the neck of her womb. His large size filled her, stretching her walls, still tender from their first frantic coupling.

Their eyes locked and what she saw in them made her catch her breath. Warmth. Tenderness. Love, and deep barely hidden sadness that this was their only time together. She let her feelings show in her own eyes, as he began to move, gentle thrusts, barely moving, first shallow stroking out of her so that only the tip of his penis penetrated her, then gradually deepening so that he was fully sheathed in her depths.

They kissed and the feelings in their eyes, simmered too close to the surface to hide again. It was all there, love, longing, sadness and a merging of souls.

Chakotay rolled over, bringing Kathryn with him, so that she straddled his hips, rising slowly up and down on his penis. Her movements became faster, and he began to thrust up into her, faster and more urgently. One of his large hands moved to the junction of their bodies, rotating a finger on her clitoris until the pressure grew and she came again, crumpling into his hand, still impaled on his thrusting penis.

When the spasms stopped she looked down at him, still hard and moving within her. She reached behind herself to stroke his testicles, feeling them lift and contract against his body as his orgasm approached. She moved faster in time to his thrusts, feeling his testicles harden as he flew over the edge with a shout, driving himself up into her body so that she nearly overbalanced, his hot spurts hitting the neck of her womb.

He drew her down, enfolding her in his arms and his breathing slowed. His chest shuddered underneath her cheek and he went so quiet she thought he had fallen asleep. She lay for a while, trying to force the memories into her head; remember this, remember this, his skin, his taste, his sounds, his lips, his love. Slowly the tears slipped from her eyes, sliding silently across her cheeks. She fought to control her instinctive shuddering. She did not want him to wake and see her like this. Did not want him to see her so desolate and broken with the thought of her impending loss that she wondered how she would get out of bed tomorrow. The tears trickled down onto his chest and he stirred.

"Kathryn, please don't cry." He wasn't asleep.

She drew in a shuddering breath and the words spilled from her, muffled against his chest.

"I thought this was what I wanted. A night with you, a night to make memories to comfort me when I am alone. A night when I could tell myself that although I loved you, I had to let you go because it was what you wanted. Because I couldn't have you because of the ship and it was better this way. I told myself that I could do it, that although I loved you so much that I would let you go for your own sanity and mine. But I'm crying because it was so awesome, and beautiful and wonderful. I'm crying because you knew it would be like this, and you wanted this back on New Earth and I wouldn't let you. I wanted you too, I loved you too, but I was scared to let go. I'm crying for all we could have had on New Earth and beyond. We could have been lovers like this for the last three years and now it's too late. We only have a night of memories…." Her voice choked and she stopped, unable to continue.

Chakotay's arms tightened around her.

"Kathryn," he groaned, "my love."

She was too caught in her own narrative to listen to him. She stumbled on, "We could have been together every night, lying here on Voyager under the stars……"

"Kathryn, listen to me. You know that wouldn't have happened. If we had been lovers on New Earth the spirits know it would have been my dream come true. But once we were rescued, you know you would not have been able to continue to be with me. You KNOW you wouldn't, for the same reason you wouldn't let yourself admit you love me on Voyager. You would have drawn back from me and we would have been adrift from each other"

His dark eyes glistened. "You've just told me you love me. You've just given me the most precious gift, one I never thought I'd have. Kathryn, my heart, I love you, but you mustn't torture yourself. It was not to be, this is all it was meant to be, and it must be enough."

She raised herself off him, her eyes wide and swollen red from crying.

"No, you don't understand. It would have torn my heart out to walk away from you if we had been lovers on New Earth. This," and she made a jerky gesture to the rumpled bed, "was to me the most magical thing that has ever happened. If it had happened then and it was my choice to make, then I wouldn't have given you up. Damn the ship. Damn the crew. I can only walk away now as I have no choice."

*

Chakotay's eyes searched her face, reading the truth of her words in her face, in the trembling of her hands as they rested on his chest, in the catch in her voice as she fought to contain her emotions. He took a deep breath, allowing her statements to permeate through him. He closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them they were glistening with unshed tears.

"Kathryn," he said again, his voice shaking with emotion. Drawing a deep breath he moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed as he rummaged on the floor for something.

Kathryn moved away from him, curling into a ball, misery emanating from her.

"Chakotay to the bridge." His voice rang out strongly in the silent room.

"Tuvok here, Commander. Can I be of assistance?"

"Tuvok, I would like you to send some one to remove my belongings from the shuttle. Deliver them to the captains quarters as soon as possible. Use your override code to enter, the captain will not be there tonight."

He heard a gasp through the communicator, probably Tom Paris, he thought. Then a second later, Tuvok's measured tones.

"Commander, I will need the captain's permission to do as you say."

He sat down on the bed and touched Kathryn's shoulder.

"I believe it's your call my love."

She looked up at him, he smiled down at her, radiating love, devotion and suppressed joy. The silence through the comm line was thick enough to cut. Every ear on the bridge was straining to listen, waiting for her answer.

Locking eyes with her first officer and lover, she replied," Do as the commander says Tuvok, it appears he has changed his mind about leaving us."

Over the line the two lovers heard loud cheers, back slapping, foot stomping and a whoop. Definitely Tom. When it had died down, Kathryn spoke again.

"Tuvok, one more thing. Please file a requisition for engineering. I need B'Elanna to draw up some schematics to remove the wall between the captains and first officers quarters. Priority - urgent."

The renewed whoops and cheers from the bridge were abruptly cut off as Chakotay disconnected the link.

"I love you, Kathryn, more than you can ever know."

And their tears mingled as they came together in a long embrace.

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On to the Sequel - Through These Walls - in which Tom and B'Elanna come to fulfill the captain's request and hear a few things they shouldn't. Also NC-17

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© Shayenne, August 2000 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.