LOVE AND LUST

Disclaimer: All Paramounts, but holy moly! They never do *this* on the show.

Set sometime during season five or six, after Tom and B'Elanna became a couple, but before their marriage.

Rated NC-17

Chakotay came to a dead stop in the middle of the holodeck. Kathryn was here, right where the computer said she was. She was dancing. The program running was Sandrines, Paris's bar program. The only person to be seen was Kathryn, and she was slow dancing in the middle of the deserted dance floor, her arms wrapped around the waist of the hologram she was dancing with. Chakotay watched in disbelief as the hologram - it had to be a hologram - dropped his face into her hair and nuzzled it. Kathryn snuggled closer to the chest, before raising her face up to the blond head above her.

"Kathryn," Chakotay's voice cracked slightly, but he was determined to see this out. "Isn't it against Starfleet regulations to make holographic representations of living people?"

She jerked back from the holographic Tom Paris, who dropped his arms from around her and she stepped a pace away.

"Chakotay?" her voice was puzzled. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. The computer said you were on the holodeck."

"Spying on me?" She arched an eyebrow at him.

A slow curl of anger kindled, then grew when he saw her in the arms of the Paris hologram.

"No. You know me better than that. Although if you wanted a hololover I'm surprised you picked Paris."

"Hey! She could do worse," protested Paris.

He glared at it. "Computer, end program."

Sandrines shimmered out of existence and there were three of them standing on the lines of the holodeck.

Chakotay gaped. "Tom?"

Tom smirked. "Sorry to disappoint you, Chakotay."

He turned to Kathryn. "Well, in this case I have to ask what you are doing with a member of your crew."

Her face hardened. "That, is none of your business, Commander."

"I'm making it my business, Captain." He stressed her title. "What happened to the protocols that prevent you from forming a relationship amongst the crew?" He stepped up close to her. "The same ones that stop me and you being together."

She met him toe to toe. "Commander, you are out of line."

Tom cheered and without breaking step, she whirled and advanced on him until she was toe to toe with him. "And so are you, Lieutenant."

She turned on her heel and stalked out of the holodeck.

Chakotay and Tom were left, glaring at each other across the holodeck grid.

"Well, Chakotay?" Tom's voice was lazy and insolent. "Are you going to discipline me? Or maybe you just want me to tell you what it's like? After all, I'm succeeding where you have failed all these years."

He stepped back a pace as the big man advanced on him. "No. I'm not going to discipline you. But, consider yourself warned. If she has one of us, it will be me." Chakotay's voice shook with repressed anger.

"Well this is gonna be interesting," said Tom. "'Cos I'm not backing down. I want her. I've wanted her since I was a kid."

Chakotay narrowed his eyes. In a dangerously soft voice he said, "Well I love her. To me that's more than wanting."

"So, it's a challenge. We'll see who ends up in front. Whether love or lust triumphs in the end. May the best man win, Commander."

"I will, Paris. Don't worry."

Kathryn paced in her quarters, irritated beyond belief. She was annoyed with Chakotay for his macho display of wounded pride. She was furious with Tom for his cocky responses; he knew damn well that he was riling up Chakotay. And she fiercely condemned her own actions; for letting it go so far with Tom in the first place.

They had been playing pool in Sandrines. She had beaten him soundly, three times in a row and he had laughingly cried off a fourth game.

"Sit with me, Captain. I'll buy you a glass of wine."

She accepted, and they had sat on the tall bar stools, elbows resting on the polished wooden bar. Sandrine poured them both a drink, and then retired out to the back of the bar.

Kathryn sipped her wine and studied Tom. It was good to see Tom getting out and having fun. He'd taken B'Elanna's dumping him for Harry very hard. Since then, he had reverted to the arrogant bad boy persona he had worn like a blanket when he first came on board. He picked fights, wreaked havoc amongst the female crew and, Kathryn suspected, crawled alone into bed at night to lick his hurt in private.

She ached for him, although she truly felt that Harry was the better match for B'Elanna. The pool invitation was his idea, and she had accepted out of a desire to let Tom have a little fun.

Silence fell over the empty bar. She studied Tom. His mask had slipped and he looked momentarily vulnerable and lost as he gazed down into his beer glass. His face slipped into sadness from the forced, set lines of laughter and insolence he had adopted since the breakup, was sad. He looked very young.

Impulsively, Kathryn touched his hand. "Want to talk about it? I've been told I'm a good listener."

"I need more than an ear." Tom's voice was pitched low. "I need a shoulder."

"I can give you that too." Kathryn picked up his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

He looked up at her, directly into her face and her breath caught momentarily as something sparked briefly in his eyes. She mentally shook herself. She was definatly turning into an old spinster if she could imagine that she saw a look of desire pass across Tom's mobile face.

"Tom?" She prompted him. "Talk to me."

Words spilled out of him. His anguish and pain at losing his love; his hope that B'Elanna and Harry would truly be happy together; and mixed in with it all his pain and angry feelings of betrayal.

"How could she do this?" He raged and sobbed his hurt. "Her and Harry, how could she leave me for him? I love her. I love Harry too, he's my best friend, hell, maybe he's my only friend. And now I have nobody."

He dropped his head onto folded arms on the bar.

Kathryn moved closer to him, stroking the soft blond head, trying wordlessly to offer him a little comfort. He rambled on, his impassioned teary words gradually fading, his voice running dry.

For a few moments there was silence. Kathryn continued to stroke his hair until he raised up a tear stained face and looked at her again.

"Well, I guess that stymied my chances of proving to you I could handle myself like a man."

"It's okay, Tom. You needed to say it." Her hand fell away and she moved back to her own stool.

"I need a beer." Tom looked around for Sandrine, but she wasn't in sight. He moved around the bar and poured himself one, and refilled Kathryn's wine glass.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't mean to dump on you like that."

"Anytime. I'm always here for you, Tom."

"Thanks. But I hope that I won't need to do that again."

They sat in silence, sipping their drinks; each engrossed in their own thoughts. The background music in the bar played softly, moody French tunes, redolent with smoke and seduction.

"I love this song." Kathryn was lost in thought and barely aware that she had spoken aloud.

"So do I. No memories attached to it." He smiled at her. "Let's make some. Dance with me, Captain."

She was about to refuse. Dancing to this slow, seductive music was something she couldn't allow herself to do. Not with Tom, not Chakotay, not anyone. The words remained unspoken when she caught sight of his hopeful face. What would it hurt?

She slid off the stool and held out a hand to him. Together they moved onto the empty wooden dance floor. Tom placed his hands around her waist, and started to sway to the music. His eyes were closed, lips slightly parted as he hummed almost inaudibly along with the rich voice.

The song ended and merged into another. The two on the dance floor continued to dance, and the space between their bodies closed. Kathryn drifted along on a tide of music, enjoying the warmth and closeness of another person. With a start she found they had closed the gap and her head rested on Tom's chest, her arms around his waist, stroking his back. His arms cradled her closely to him, one threading through her hair with careful fingers. She felt something brush her hair. She should move away, this was creeping beyond a simple dance between friends. This was... dangerous.

She lifted her head from his chest intending to move away but was caught by his eyes. Soft, blue. Why had she never noticed how warm blue eyes could be?

"Kathryn..." Chakotay's voice cut into the sensual fog enveloping her. Reality intruded swiftly and she moved away. And watched in mounting irritation as the two men sparred over her, like a dog with a bone.

Of course she knew Chakotay was right. Protocol was the one reason she had never allowed him to cross the invisible line between friendship and something more. She didn't blame him for being upset at what he had seen. Those few moments in the holodeck, when Tom had held her, pressed close against his body, when she was liquid with the warmth and melting against him, when the inhibitions and protocols that defined the asexual captain were sufficiently blurred by French wine and the half light, were the closest she had come to breaking her own self imposed barriers since New Earth. And worse still, she had nearly lowered them with a man whom she genuinely liked, was attracted to, but didn't love.

The man she loved had watched her from the shadows and been hurt.

Kathryn was brought back to the present by the sound of the door chime. Two hours had passed since she had left the holodeck and it was late, past midnight. Only one person would disturb her at this time.

The door opened to admit Chakotay. She knew she would have to talk to him sooner or later and it looked like sooner had come. She didn't want to face his hurt or anger just yet. She was pleased to see that he was calm.

He entered and without preamble, crossed to stand next to her. "I've come to apologize. I was out of line. What you do on the holodeck, and with whom is your own business."

"Thank you." He was letting her off lightly once again, but he hadn't finished.

"I just want to ask you..." He hesitated, then plunged on. "Gods, Kathryn. Tom Paris? And do you know what he is saying now? Do you know what he wants..."

Kathryn held up a hand to halt the flow of words. "Listen to me, Chakotay. Nothing happened with Tom. Nothing will. You of all people should know that I wouldn't get involved with a member of my crew. Please, just forget about it."

"No. I can't." Chakotay looked angry. "Kathryn, have you any idea how much I would give to hold you like that? Over the past four years, you have never let me hold you, kiss you... Then I see Paris with his lips in your hair and your arms around his waist. What the hell am I supposed to think?"

She looked away. "I'm sorry. It was just momentary lapse in judgement. I had been comforting him about B'Elanna. I think both he and I needed to feel close to someone for that brief moment. It was nothing more."

"That's not what Paris says. He told me he intended to have you. Told me he would tell me what it is like, all that I have dreamt of in *his* arms."

"Tom said that? You're mistaken, or he said it to annoy you. He doesn't want me."

"He does, Kathryn. He doesn't love you, but he intends to have you. And I'm not going to stand by and see that happen. If you take a lover on this crew, know this as surely as you know your own name. It will be me."

She stepped up to him again, anger flaring in her eyes. "Commander. I will not be threatened. I will not be coerced. And I will not take a lover from this crew. Now go. Now."

She turned away from him, hurt and indignation intermingled in her expression.

He caught her arm. "Kathryn..."

She shook him off. "Please, Chakotay. Just leave."

He stared at her rigid shoulders for a moment, before turning and leaving.

"Good morning, Captain. Sleep well last night?" Tom's inquiry was perfectly polite, but she felt the undertones in what he said.

"Yes thank you, Lieutenant." She was perfectly cool in her reply.

Chakotay nodded and smiled at her.

The shift passed uneventfully. Towards the end, she received a message on her console. It was from Tom.

Fancy a rematch tonight? Sandrines, 19:00?

Pool sounded good, but she sent Tom a quick reply, declining the invitation. This was one situation she had to defuse and quickly.

In her quarters that evening she was just finishing a solitary replicated dinner when the door chime sounded. It was Tom. In one hand he carried a bottle of wine and two glasses and he took advantage of her momentary hesitation to push past her into the room.

"Lieutenant." Her voice was frosty. "I did not give you permission to enter."

"No." He grinned at her disarmingly. "But I did anyway. We may have missed our pool date, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a glass of wine together."

She studied him, Chakotay's words from the day before running through her head. Tom's demeanor was open and friendly, with no hint of sexual awareness. Maybe he just wanted to talk again. But it would add fuel to the fire to talk here. Especially if anyone, she didn't dare even think about Chakotay, had seen him coming here.

"It's not a date, Tom. If you want to talk again, I'm more than happy. But we'll go to the mess hall."

Tom looked down at his boots. "The mess hall is too public. Someone's bound to need you for something. I was hoping to have your undivided attention."

She sighed. "Tom, our actions on the holodeck have already caused more turmoil than I want. You being here now can only add to that. Pick another location if you must, but I am asking you to leave."

His gaze was direct. "Since when have you cared what anyone thinks?"

I care what Chakotay thinks. The words remained unspoken. "I don't," she said aloud. "But I aim for a harmonious crew."

"And you don't want Chakotay and me at each other's throats."

"Exactly."

"You care about Chakotay, don't you?" Tom had stepped forward a pace and put the wine and glasses down on the coffee table.

"I care about all my crew." Captain mode again, crisp and efficient.

"But you care about Chakotay on a deeper level than that. I wonder why you aren't lovers?"

Tom was musing almost to himself, but Kathryn was not fooled. He wanted the answer. And the reason as to why he wanted to know had her scared, with the implication of his motivation.

"You're all alone, your fiancé has married someone else. You like people, you like the touch of another person. Why don't you seek the comfort of someone you care about?"

"Tom..." A hard voice of warning.

Tom stepped away a pace and pulled a corkscrew out of his pocket and deftly opened the wine. He poured two glasses and handed her one.

"I think you need love and companionship as much as the next person. Why not Chakotay? I know you desire him. He loves you. So it must be something else."

She took a sip of her wine, and watched helplessly as Tom moved closer again, closer so that she could feel his breath brush her cheek. She felt the tug of tension he was generating with his carefully woven words. A slow acknowledgement that yes, she was attracted on a very primal level to this man.

"You're a physical person. So am I. I think we can help each other here. No strings, no gossip, just two people who want each other, satisfying each other."

He reached out and took the glass from her nerveless fingers. His fingers brushed hers, trailing deliberately over the back of her hand as he moved the glass away. He set it down on the table and returned to stand close. Too close.

"I'm not Chakotay. I think the reason that you didn't take him as your lover is that you feel too much for him and you don't like to lose that control. Me now... ah, think of the fun we could have. Think of the warmth and the friendship and the sex..."

She was breathing erratically, sure in her head what his next move would be, and equally sure that she would not stop him. He would kiss her. She would feel those quirky mobile lips on hers, would know the taste of him, for a minute. She could have a minute. And then she would stop him.

He was standing looking down at her, the sweet male smell of him filled her nostrils and the blond head was in her line of vision. Blond not dark. Tom not Chakotay.

His hand lifted to trace the throbbing vein in her neck, the thumb caressing the soft skin under the line of her jaw. Her hands were still by her side, she did not trust herself to touch him and then let go.

Tom's lips started to descend. "I think I can call you Kathryn now," he murmured. "I can't call the woman I'm about to make love to 'Captain'."

Her lips parted slightly and she started to tilt her head to receive his mouth.

The door chime rang, shrill in the pounding silence. They both froze.

Tom recovered first. "Enter." He called the command without moving away from Kathryn.

She tried to move away from him, but her feet were reluctant to move. And Chakotay walked into the tableau of an interrupted kiss.

"Chakotay. Bad timing." Tom's voice was back to the lazy insolence of old.

The arrogant tone gave her the impetus she needed to move away.

"I think it was perfect timing." Chakotay sounded calm, but Kathryn could tell he was keeping a tight rein on his anger. "I think you should leave now, Lieutenant."

"And if the lady wants me to stay?"

"She doesn't." Chakotay was implacable.

Like she had once before, so long ago when the Caretaker had hurled them into the Delta Quadrant, she stepped between them and placed a light hand on Chakotay's chest.

"I fight my own battles." The mood was broken and she was fighting not to tremble at the thought of what had so nearly happened. "Tom. Go. Please."

"As you wish, Kathryn." The use of her first name did not go unnoticed. "But I'll be back. Think about what I said."

Chakotay's eyes narrowed as Tom casually dropped a kiss on his Captain's cheek and sauntered out the door.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. "You wanted something, Commander?"

"I came to see you." His voice was as taut as weapons fire. "Seems I came just in time. Care to tell me what you were doing?"

"Why should I? I don't owe you any explanations."

"Oh, but you do Kathryn. I'm the man who loves you. And any lover you take will be me."

She gasped at his forceful tones. "I don't think you're in a position to say that. If, I take a lover, it will be my choice."

"When we are lovers, Kathryn, you will never want any other man again. I will be branded on your skin and in your soul." His voice softened. " Please. I love you. I've waited for you for so long. I thought you loved me, and that when we could, or when you felt able, that we would be together. Don't throw our love away on Paris."

He moved closer, as close as Tom had been earlier. "Did he kiss you?" His voice was low and mesmerizing. "Did he kiss you, Kathryn?"

Wordlessly she shook her head, caught in his dark gaze.

"Good. Because that means that now, when I kiss you, you will only think of me."

His arms went around her, pulling her close. She could feel his solid chest pressed against her, the muscles in his legs hard as they connected with hers. One hand slid into her hair, anchoring her head as he bent his head and took her mouth.

It was a forceful kiss. His mouth moved assuredly on hers, his lips opening hers, parting them, pressuring her, moving hotly over her mouth.

She was caught up in the spiral of it all. The atmosphere of the whole evening had been surreal, and it seemed right that it culminate in this heady kiss. Chakotay's kiss.

He pulled her closer and she gasped, a slight sound, absorbed into his mouth. He took advantage of the softening of her lips to slip his tongue inside, where it slipped slowly in and out of her mouth. He softened the kiss when he realized that she wasn't pushing him away. Her arms crept around to hold those strong shoulders, feeling the softness of his hair tickling her fingers as she opened her mouth further, letting him taste and sip and stamp his feel on her.

She opened her eyes, and saw his face, blurred and out of focus he was so close, but she could see the awful longing etched on his features. She would have given herself a minute with Tom. This was over a minute now, and it was spiraling out of control. Her fingers brushed the soft skin of his neck, rimming his collar, slipping shyly down inside. One of his hands was dancing down her arm, stroking the side of her breast.

"Kathryn..." His lips left hers and traveled down the side of her neck. He began to shuffle her backwards, towards the dimly lit bedroom. "Let me make love to you..."

His words recalled her. She couldn't let this happen. When it came down to it, he was still her First Officer, still a member of her crew. And with him it wouldn't be a one-night stand. There was too much love between them for that to ever happen. If he made love to her now, it would be as he said. She would be branded his forever. The ferocity of feelings, if released, could never be pent up again and in their situation, as Captain and Commander, it was a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

"No, Chakotay." Her kiss-swollen lips could hardly force the words out. "No." She repeated it more forcefully and pushed on his shoulders.

He lifted his head, puzzlement evident in his gaze. "Kathryn, I love you..." His lips returned to her neck and his hand moved to cover a breast.

It was nearly her undoing as his fingers teasingly circled her hard nipple. "No." She pushed on him again and found the willpower to move out of his range. "We can't do this."

"We can..." He moved towards her again, and she took a corresponding step away.

"No. Please go."

Instead he sat on the couch and put his head in his hands. "Why?" His voice was muffled. "I was on the verge of thanking Paris for giving us this opportunity, but now I may throttle him instead. Why Kathryn? A minute ago you were giving me your heart. Why are you pushing me away?"

She sat at the far end of the couch from him. "That's exactly why we can't do this, Chakotay. We love too much. We can't afford to do that."

He gaped at her in sudden comprehension. "Paris."

"I don't love him."

"NO." He stood up and moved in front of her shaking again, from rage or sorrow she didn't know. "Please, no, Kathryn. Don't go to him. Him of all people. Take a hololover. Have a one night stand on the next planet we come to, but please, don't make me watch you with him."

She sighed. "I don't know Chakotay. I really don't know. But I'm sorry."

He stood up and moved to the door. "I'm only going to say this once. I love you, Kathryn. I've waited a long time for you to return my feelings. I respected your decision not to pursue a relationship on Voyager, and I hoped that at the least when we got home, that we would be together. If you take a hololover, or have a one night stand planet side, I can understand. Just don't rub my face in it and I will continue to wait for you. But," and his voice hardened. "If you take Paris, or any other member of this crew as a lover, then its over. I won't wait for you any longer, and I don't think I can be your friend either. I will try and continue as your First Officer, but I won't even make any promises on that. Think hard, Kathryn. This is your choice. Once you make it, it can't be undone."

With a long final look, Chakotay turned and left the room. He didn't look back.

© Shayenne, November 2000 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.