Disclaimer: All the characters (and I use that term loosely) are owned by Paramount. If I ever profit from anything, it certainly won't be from this.
Rated R for one reference.
Episode addition to the appallingly awful episode, Human Error. Seven is further exploring humanity, having a holodeck affair with a holographic Chakotay to the detriment of her duties. Told from Seven's point of view.
The crew laughs at me.
They extend invitations to me. Outwardly they offer the guise of friendship, but when I refuse they back away in relief. I do not wish to attend these functions, but I do wish to belong. I practice interacting with the crew in social situations on the holodeck, polishing my lines until I am efficient in their delivery.
I wish to comprehend a broader range of human emotions. I wish to be on the inside looking out.
The database suggests that compliments and interactions that concentrate upon one's physical appearance enhance female bonding. I approach Lieutenant Torres with a compliment about her hair, but her answer is flippant. There is no scientific data to back up her claim that engine grease improves the condition of her hair.
I do not attend the baby shower for Lieutenant Torres. It is easier to be alone than to intrude where I am not required. My belated gift is met with polite incomprehension and suppressed laughter behind my back. My aloneness wraps itself around me again.
They know.
The holographic Commander laughs at me.
It assists me with my preparations for the meal and its eyes follow me as I move about my illusionary quarters. I have not altered the characteristics of the Commander except to direct his romantic interest away from the Captain and towards me. My aim is for these encounters to be as realistic as possible, but the indifference that the Commander normally exhibits towards me is still in evidence. With the modification of the parameters for romantic interest, this indifference is mutated into barely restrained amusement. I believe that Lieutenant Paris would say that the hologram is 'smirking' at me.
The hologram flirts with me, kisses me, lies with me and initiates me into the sexual arts. It is skilful, concerned for my pleasure even as it takes its own. I am unsatisfied. The ship's database provided me with a clinical description of orgasm, but I do not think I have attained this state. The hologram continues with its oral stimulation until I instruct it to desist. I do not feel any different, but I attempt to create some illusion of closeness by feigning sleep in its arms.
I lie staring at the ceiling until its sleep pattern is finished.
"Good morning," it says, with a contemptuous quirk of its lips.
It knows.
Captain Janeway laughs at me.
She taps the padd containing the holodeck hours I have logged in the last week. Forty-seven hours. She asks me what I have been doing in there. She radiates concern. Concern for me, but her underlying determination is for the safety of her ship - the safety that I have compromised with my experiment.
"What were you doing in there, Seven?" Her demeanor indicates only mild curiosity, but there is an edge to her voice that alerts me to the words she is leaving unspoken. "It must have been important."
My face is smooth and professional, as it always is. "I have been constructing a simulation of a new gravimetric array, that I hope will benefit the ship." My voice does not betray me.
She studies me with an intense look. "Well, when this crisis is over, I am sure it will be invaluable."
I relax infinitesimally; my secret is safe.
"I would be pleased to assist you." She taps the padd containing my holodeck record. The corner of her mouth twitches. Her annoyance that I have been derelict in my duty is still evident, but the underlying subtleties become clear.
She knows.
The Commander laughs at me.
He greets me in the corridor, running in his eagerness to catch up with me. I am sure he can't read my intimate knowledge of his doppelganger in my expression.
"Seven." He is outwardly open and friendly, but I am aware of the underlying disdain that is always present when the Commander interacts with me.
"Neelix is holding a cooking class. I thought you might like to attend." He smiles.
A cooking class.
He has a padd in his hand.
My experiment was to broaden my experience of human emotions and feelings. It appears I have succeeded. The knot of shame tightens in my belly and the cloak of my loneliness wraps itself closer around me. It requires effort to keep my expression neutral as I refuse his invitation. He nods and strides off down the corridor, chuckling to himself, as he throws a glance at me over his shoulder. But his face confirms my suspicions.
He knows.
Feedback? Please. Shayenne
© Shayenne, March 2001. Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.