Disclaimer: All characters belong to Paramount. I get nothing from this, except hopefully some feedback.
Rated NC-17
Loosely woven around 'Human Error' although the more nauseating aspects of that episode are not painted in excruciating detail. (I saved the details for the J/C part of the story instead J ;-). Slight spoilers for Human Error.
Seven of Nine's perfect face wore the poised, inquiring mask that was her normal expression.
Her neutral face, her bland face. Janeway suppressed the insidious thought and faced Seven calmly across the desk in her ready room.
"I am sure you know why I have called you here, Seven." She strove to maintain a neutral expression herself, not allowing any of her own turbulent feelings show on her face.
"Yes. You believe I have erred using the holographic representation of Commander Chakotay to develop my social skills." Seven stood, feet slightly apart, hands behind her back as was her wont.
"I don't just believe it, Seven. I know that I am right." Janeway rubbed her temples with two fingers, trying to stave off the tension headache that was slowly building. "Using representations of your colleagues without their permission is an invasion of their rights and privacy. It is immoral." She suppressed her own guilty thoughts.
Seven's face reflected slight surprise. She arched a blonde eyebrow inquiringly. "But Captain, it was your own holographic creation that I used, so I surmised that it must be acceptable. "
The headache was definitely building. Janeway had hoped to avoid this particular line of logic. "Seven, as Captain of this ship I have rights and privileges that go beyond your own. The holographic commander is part of those privileges, and it is not for me to disclose the purpose of it. Suffice to say, its intended purpose is not the one you used it for."
Not strictly true, she thought, but near enough for this discussion.
"I understand." Seven's expression suggested that she didn't believe her explanation, but Janeway let it pass. "So the Commander is aware of the hologram?"
"No, he is not. And I would prefer you not to tell him." Janeway thought it very unlikely that Seven would pass on the knowledge to Chakotay, after all, to do so would reveal her own indiscretion.
"I will comply." Seven seemed to presume that the discussion was finished. " Please accept my apologies, Captain. I will not access the program again." She turned as if to leave.
Janeway held up a hand. "Wait, Seven. We're not finished here yet. I need your absolute assurance that you will not access the program again, I need to know how you managed to run an encrypted program that required top level security codes to access, and finally, I need to know if you made any changes to the program."
"The encryption was easy to over ride," said Seven. "You have my assurance that I will not access the program again. I will refrain from using the holodeck for the next two weeks as punishment."
"Make that a month," said Janeway.
"As you wish, Captain."
"Did you make any alterations?"
"Only to the setting of the program. The existing program used your ready room. I did not consider that to be a conducive place for seduction."
Janeway tried to keep her face neutral. That indirectly answered one of her questions.
"I noticed that the hologram was programmed with the Commander's personality, and memories from his Starfleet files. I did not alter any of its character traits or personalities, or the existing focus of its... romantic interests. May I go now, Captain?"
"Yes, go." Janeway waved a hand in dismissal.
Seven turned towards the door, and then hesitated. "Captain. Permission to speak freely?"
"Granted."
"As I just said, I did not change the romantic inclinations of the hologram, which is an accurate representation of the Commander. Yet I was able, with very little persuasion, to get the hologram romantically interested in me, instead of you. You may wish to consider this, when you are interacting with the real Commander."
Seven left the room. Janeway rubbed her temples again. The threatened headache was fast becoming a reality. "Computer, one mug of coffee, black. No, belay that order. Is anyone using holodeck two right now?"
"Holodeck two is vacant."
She left her ready room, handing over the bridge to Chakotay. The real Chakotay.
"Computer, run program Janeway Omega Alpha Two with the changes made by Seven of Nine, do not activate the character Chakotay. Authorization zero eight alpha goldenbird."
The program shimmered into existence and Janeway looked around. The illusionary quarters could belong to any of the senior officers on the ship for space and positioning, with a wide outside viewport. The decor was bland, only a Native American dream catcher on the wall caught her eye. The rest of the furnishings were uninspired. Interestingly enough, the kitchen area looked as if it had been recently used.
She knew she should activate the character of Chakotay, but first she wanted to think about the implications of what Seven had said. She crossed to the bench seat under the viewport, and resting her chin on her hand, stared out at the streaking stars, lost in thought. On four occasions she had used this program. Four times in seven years.
The Delta Quadrant. They were in the Delta Quadrant. They were stranded in the Delta Quadrant. They were seventy thousand light years from home. Her First Officer was dead. So was her Medical Officer, Stadi - her friend and pilot, her Chief Engineer and many of her crew.
The three week mission had just turned into a nightmare beyond her worst imaginings. Images ran through her head; her mother, Phoebe, Mark, oh god, Mark, Molly her dog... Inwardly she was keening, crying and wailing as some of her crew were openly doing as the impossibility of their position sank in, but she was the Captain. She had to keep, what was that ridiculous expression that Mark liked to use? A stiff upper lip. That was it. She had to keep a stiff upper lip.
The Caretaker's array was destroyed, by her decision, and with its destruction went any hope they had of finding a quick way home. She glanced around the bridge. The captured Maquis captain, Chakotay, restrained the part Klingon woman who looked as if she could cheerfully kill her right now. She saw Chakotay grip her arms, his expression intense as he stared down at her. "Because she's the Captain," she heard him say. He was trying to justify her actions, something she really wasn't sure she could do herself right now.
"I'll be in my ready room," she said to no-one in particular. She needed to think, and the myriad of people, and anger on the bridge made it impossible to think coherently out here. There was too much raw emotion in the air.
She replicated a coffee. Replicators, rations, fuel, dilithium, quarters, the Maquis, a crew... she had half a crew. She put her head on folded arms and tried to think.
An hour later she thought she had a solution. Putting the Maquis in the brig for a seventy year journey was not an option, besides she needed the manpower. The best solution she could come up with was to incorporate the Maquis crew into her own. She knew a lot of people were not going to like it, and she suspected that the Maquis would be some of the most vociferous. One crew, one ship. That was the only workable solution.
And its success depended on one man; former Starfleet officer, Commander Chakotay. She intended making him her First Officer, this way she hoped he would retain the loyalty of his crew, which by extension would transfer into a united crew under her command.
She reviewed his Starfleet file. An exemplary career until he abruptly resigned, and resurfaced in the Maquis after the destruction of his home planet, Dorvan, by Cardassians. He was painted as being a fair, slightly introspective and non-confrontational man. Loyal to his previous commanding officers, a hard worker, respected and liked by both senior officers and subordinates alike.
But she needed to be sure, too much was at stake for her to leave it to chance. His personality profile from his Starfleet file did not take into account his years in the Maquis. She needed to be sure that he would serve under her and that she could trust him not to incite mutiny.
She left her ready room for holodeck two, striding through the bridge without a word to anyone. Absently she noticed that Tuvok had assumed command in her absence. Tuvok. What would her old and trusted friend think of her plan? She hoped he would say that it was the logical thing to do.
The doors of holodeck two closed behind her.
"Computer. Download the personnel file for the Maquis Commander Chakotay into the holodeck computer and create a holographic representation of the Commander. Make the physique and personality as accurate as possible."
"Character complete."
An image of Chakotay shimmered into view on the yellow and black holodeck grid. He was dressed in the worn leather vest and pants that he still wore. The distinctive tattoo stood out on his brow.
"Computer, download knowledge of the ship's logs for the last two weeks into the holographic character."
"Download complete."
She stood and thought for a moment more. "Computer, suppress any inclination for deception in the personality of the character."
"Modification complete."
"Computer, display a simile of the Captain's ready room."
"Modification complete."
She was standing, looking at a holographic representation of her potential First Officer. And now she needed answers.
"Computer, activate character."
The holographic Commander swung around and looked at her intently. She marched up to it and narrowed her eyes. "Commander. You are aware that you and your crew are my prisoners. Your ship is destroyed, you have nowhere to go." She kept her tone deliberately harsh and authoritative. "I'm giving you an ultimatum."
"I'm listening." His tone gave her no indication of his thoughts, his face was a mask of indifference.
"You and your crew will become part of my crew. You will receive the same treatment as my crew. You will wear Starfleet uniforms, and serve in the manner I deem fit. You will be watched. If I hear of any hint of mutiny, you will all spend the next seventy years in the brig. No exceptions. Do I make myself clear?"
"Very clear, Captain." His tone was tinged with mockery. "We all behave like Starfleet puppets or we all look at the walls for a long time. Could become very crowded in your brig."
"Play your cards right, Commander and you need never find out. As my First Officer you will serve under me, and I will hold you responsible. Personally responsible. Do I make myself clear?"
"Very clear, Captain."
"Give me your word that you will obey me."
He was silent for a moment. "I don't give my word to people I don't trust. I will serve under you as long as I deem necessary."
"Not good enough, Commander." She stepped up to him, into his space.
"It will have to do." He stared down at her. "Lonely at the top, isn't it Captain?"
"Computer, freeze program." She sighed. That outcome was less than favorable. Threats and antagonism had no effect on subduing the man. She hadn't seen this side of the Maquis Commander before now, and if she was honest she didn't like the idea of using threats to gain his allegiance.
"Computer, reset character." She would try this again, this time following her instincts, the ones that told her Chakotay was a decent, honorable man who could be trusted.
"Resume program."
The holographic Commander swung around once again and looked at her intently.
"Commander." She greeted it in a crisp, efficient tone, one lacking the domineering overtones of her previous attempt. "I wish to discuss our situation with you."
"Our situation? I would have thought my situation was perfectly clear. Do you mean your situation?" The hologram reproduced Chakotay's pleasantly even baritone perfectly.
"Our situation, Commander. Unless you have plans of your own?"
"I'm not planning on going anywhere. In case you haven't noticed, I no longer have a ship." The flash of humor caught her unawares, as did the slight grin. She found herself smiling slightly in response, before she could stop herself. In another situation, she could like this man a lot.
She started to pace about the ready room. "By rights, I should throw you and your crew into the brig. But if it takes us seventy years to get home, I can't afford to have able-bodied skilled people languishing in the brig plotting to overthrow the ship."
He waited. She studied his posture as she paced. He appeared relaxed.
"But I need you to help me. Will you do that?"
"Do I have any alternative?"
"Yes. I could put you in the brig."
He smiled. "No contest so far. What's the catch?"
"One crew. A Starfleet crew. With the Maquis integrated into that crew, working alongside my people in the positions best suited to their skills and abilities."
"And me? Where do I fit into this cozy little scene?"
"That depends." She stepped closer to him, deliberately into his personal space. He didn't step back and she had to tilt her head to look up at him. "Can I trust you?" She spoke the words slowly, holding his eyes with her own. "Or will I have to watch my back wondering if you and your crew will try to take my ship at the first opportunity?"
He was silent for a moment. Her neck began to ache, looking up at him, but she didn't want to be the first to step back. The weight of her hair was dragging on her scalp, when mercifully he took a step back and walked over to the viewport.
He turned to face her. "If I give you my word that I will serve under you, then I mean it truly. If I give it, you can depend on me to aid you in any way I can." The sincerity in his voice was apparent.
"And your crew?"
"I will help you integrate them. It will be harder on some than others, but I will work with you to convince them that working in this crew is preferable to a long time staring at the walls of the brig."
"What will I need to do to get you to give your word?" She asked the question slowly. The hologram would answer truthfully.
"Give me your promise that you will treat my crew fairly and not discriminate against them because of who they are. And do your utmost to see that your crew, the Starfleet crew, does the same. That's all."
"And you trust me to keep my word?"
He nodded. "Yes, Captain, I do. You made a difficult decision earlier, but you made an unselfish one. I trust the integrity of the person who made that decision."
'You have my promise, Commander. Let us see how we can bring these two crews home, together. And together we need to decide how we can best integrate these crews. A united front, Captain and First Officer."
His surprise was evident. "Captain, are you offering me the position?"
"Yes. If you give me your promise of loyalty."
"You have it, Captain Janeway. I will serve under you to the best of my abilities and I promise to stand by you, and aid the transition of our crews."
His dark eyes were intense on her face. "I appreciate the chance you are giving me and my crew."
She nodded, this would work. "Computer end program."
That was better. She felt his responses were genuine, and she had felt that this was a man she could trust. And, equally importantly, she felt that they would work well together.
"Computer, save program and encrypt for Level 12 security only as Janeway Alpha Two. Authorization zero eight alpha goldenbird."
She left the holodeck with a lighter step. She would ask him. He would agree. Together they would bring their crews home.
Under the viewport in Seven's holographic quarters, Kathryn stirred. Her holographic Commander had not let her down. Chakotay's response had been almost exactly that of his doppelganger. The crews had merged, he had become her First Officer, and although there were a few awkward situations, tense times between the two crews, the transition had surpassed her expectations. As had Chakotay himself. The perfect First Officer had become her close friend and her almost lover.
The program was created to aid her in command decisions. But the second time she accessed it was nothing to do with her position. The second time was purely for Kathryn.
New Earth. Stranded alone with him for nearly three months, her First Officer had become her friend, and nearly so much more. Voyager had bid them farewell, leaving them alone on the beautiful planet, that was so much like Earth, but was not Earth. The virus in their systems had no cure, and leaving the surface of the planet hastened its fatal course.
She had taken the transition hard. But she had Chakotay with her. Of all people to be stranded with, Chakotay was the best. Slowly, oh so slowly, the attraction that had characterized all their interactions, tingeing even the simplest exchange of words with new meanings and possibilities, turned sweetly into love.
He told her he loved her. She never told him. But she held the knowledge that she did tightly to herself, hugging it close. When the time was right, she intended telling him and taking him into her heart, body and bed where she knew he so desperately wanted to belong.
The days slipped by. Hazy days of laughter, companionship and gentle, stolen touches. He touched her more and more frequently, his agenda open and unhidden. He loved her. He wanted her, why hide that?
Her own motives were more shrouded. She touched him back, delighting in the feel of his clothed chest or bare arm under her hand. Her hands would linger, slide over him as she grew closer to admitting that she loved him completely, and wanted nothing more than to lie with him at night, and have the freedom to touch him.
They grew closer. Needier of each other. Two days before they heard from Voyager, he had kissed her. No elaborate scenarios of seduction. He had quite simply pulled her to his chest as she passed by him in their shelter on her way to the bathroom in the morning. Caught off balance, she steadied herself with her hands against his chest. She felt the rhythm of his heart through the thin top he wore. He looked at her steadily for a moment, so that she would know his intent, giving her the chance to refuse if she wished.
She gave him a slight smile of encouragement and he bent his head, pressing his lips lightly on hers, they moved slowly and hotly over her mouth. She slid her hands up around his neck and trembled slightly as his body made contact with hers. She could taste his morning herbal tea on his breath, then on his tongue as he parted her own lips to slide his tongue softly inside, sweeping around her mouth for a moment before withdrawing.
He lifted his head and smiled down at her. "Good morning, Kathryn." He moved away slightly, putting some space between them. "Coffee's on."
The normality of his comment broke the spell and she was able to smile back at him. "Sounds good."
He kissed her good night that night and she went off to bed alone, to dream of him and a day, soon, when he would lie beside her. He kissed her good morning the next morning and she knew she was falling, about to take the last step away from the secure moorings of Starfleet and walk by his side for the rest of her days.
And then Tuvok called and the parameters, boundaries and restrictions snapped back into place as solid and impenetrable as ever.
About a month after their return she accessed her program again. She badly wanted to talk to Chakotay, explain and rationalize their situation to him and regain some measure of friendship, but his set, unapproachable face made it impossible.
She went to the holodeck instead, and downloaded the ships logs to the hologram to bring its memories up to date. She hesitated a long moment, then with a few keystrokes, added Chakotay's personal logs to it as well. She was not reading his logs, she told herself, just adding them to the holographic character for authenticity.
She activated the program. Chakotay shimmered into existence, dressed in his uniform. He turned to her.
"Captain." His face was polite but reserved. Exactly the professional face he displayed to her on the bridge each day.
"We're off duty now, Chakotay."
A flash of bitterness showed in his face. "And what exactly do you mean by that, Kathryn?"
"I don't know exactly," she said slowly, "but I want to try and resolve things between us."
"How? By giving me a prepared speech about parameters again? Pat me on the head and put the pigeon back in his hole? It doesn't work like that anymore, Kathryn. We've gone beyond that now."
"Yes, we've gone beyond our previous professional relationship, but I had hoped that meant we could be better friends."
"A friendship with predefined limits is not a true friendship," said Chakotay. "Friendship is give and take, fluidic and evolving. Ours was already moving past that. Be honest with yourself and admit it, like I was."
"I can't," she said. "If I admit that, then we will have to move on, and we can't do that on this ship. That is why I'm trying to find something that will work."
He stepped up close to her, and grasped her arms. "Is it so hard to admit you love someone, Kathryn? On New Earth, I thought you were close to loving me. We kissed. And the only reason we didn't become lovers that morning was because I thought that we had the rest of our lives together. We kissed and spirits knows, I thought then that you were close to admitting that you loved me."
She was silent. He was so close to the truth.
He touched her cheek, his thumb stroking her lip. "We kissed Kathryn and it was like no other kiss I've ever shared before. I wanted you so much, but I waited. I wanted to hear you say you loved me. I waited becauseI knew that in a few days, or maybe even a few hours we would become lovers and I would know what it was like to lie next to you. To lose myself in your soft skin and sweet body. Do you know how many times since then that I've wished that I'd kept on kissing you, caressing you? I should have carried you to my bed, laid you down, removed your robe and made love to you. And if I had done that, there would be no going back. We would be lovers now instead of this stalemate."
"Can we be friends instead?" She whispered the words to him. "I need you so much."
"But you don't need me enough," he said flatly.
"Is there a way out of this? Our current relationship is hurting both of us and our crew. If you love me there has to be a way." She needed the answer. The holographic Chakotay's response would help her find a balance with the real Chakotay.
"Give me some hope, Kathryn. Right now, I'm too heartsore to give you the friendship that you need. Tell me that you care for me, don't shut me out, and promise me that maybe, someday you will try to love me as I do you." He sighed and the sadness in his eyes had the repressed words of love tripping on her tongue. Anything to ease his pain.
"I can give you that," she said. "I need that future promise too. We need each other, Chakotay. I do... care for you, a lot."
She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on the stiff fabric of his uniform. He felt so real she almost could feel his heart beat under her cheek. Hesitantly, his arms rose to enclose her and his face dropped down to rub in her hair.
They stood holding each other for long minutes.
© Shayenne, April 2001 Please email me to post/distribute elsewhere.