Disclaimer: All owned by Paramount. Not mine.
Episode addition for "Shattered". Rated NC-17
"Will I have to violate the prime directive to answer it?" He looked down at Kathryn, his Captain with a slight smile. She was close, he could see the tautness stringing through her lean body and knew that this question was both hard for her to ask, yet the answer was vitally important to her.
"Maybe just a little." She paused.
Chakotay looked down into those determined blue eyes that he knew so well, and felt once again the sweet arc of tension string points of light between them. The invisible connection tugged at him, the awareness that he hadn't felt emanate from her in a long time now. His Kathryn, the Kathryn he had known for seven years and loved for most of that time hadn't outwardly demonstrated that awareness of him for many years. His Kathryn was his friend, his close, dear friend, but the barely suppressed desire that they had both radiated in their early years together was gone, muted into the complex tapestry of friendship.
He felt the slow uncurling of desire begin its sweet spiral in his belly, felt the heavy tension in his groin of imminent arousal. He tried to suppress it. This Kathryn, the Captain Janeway who hadn't left the Alpha Quadrant yet, didn't know the complex nature of their relationship.
But looking into those smoky eyes, he saw a flicker of awareness and knew that she felt something. How could she not? She had chosen to trust him implicitly twice now. Once, when she merged the two disparate crews, Starfleet and Maquis, in a desperate bid to forge a new whole out of the shattered halves. And a second time a short time ago, when seeing only the Maquis Captain she was sent to capture, she had trusted him with their future.
"I'm going to be your First Officer." He'd said the words to her, and watched her eyes darken with comprehension and something else he couldn't define. How hard it had been to not say more.
I'm going to be your First Officer. Yes Kathryn, I'm going to be your friend, your confidante, the person you turn to for comfort. I'm going to make you laugh, make you cry. I'm going to support you, disappoint you, fail you. There will be times when I nearly become your lover, and those times will be the hardest of all, as I will shake with the wanting, and cry with the rejection. Through it all Kathryn, through times when both of us turn to other lovers, I'm going to love you, and spirits help me, I'm never going to stop hoping that someday there will be an us.
She was standing close, looking up at him and he suppressed the urge to pull her to him, bury his hands in that weight of hair and take her mouth, once, just once so that he would know the taste of her. But he couldn't. Even now, he couldn't push himself on her.
Her eyes hadn't left his face. He saw the question she needed to ask form itself on her lips.
"For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well." She was very serious as she looked up at him and once more he fought the pull of awareness between them. "I've been wondering... just how close do we get?"
The temptation to lie was overwhelming. The fact that she asked that question meant that she felt it too. Was wondering if he was looking at her with the knowledge of a lover. Was wondering if at some nebulous future time they would lie together and lock their bodies in the dance of love. What would happen if he lied to her and said they were lovers?
He couldn't do it.
"Let's just say, there are… barriers we never cross." He hoped his voice was steady.
Still she continued to look up at him. "But we want to, don't we?"
His heart lurched slightly. "I do. I think you did.... once."
Her familiar smile twisted his heart. "I think it's safe to say you're right."
She held out a hand to him. "See you in the future." She hesitated a moment, her small hand in his, then with her free hand she reached up to him and wrapped it around his neck. Rising up on her toes, she brought his mouth down to hers.
He didn't hesitate. The moment may have crept up on him unawares, but he took advantage of its arrival, wrapping his arms around her back and moving his mouth on hers persuasively, opening her mouth with insistent lips. She held him close and kissed him back. Their tongues dueled together for a brief moment, the sweeter for the intensity and the knowledge that this was just a kiss, one that could go no further in this place and this time. She pushed gently on his shoulders.
He eased out of the kiss, returning once to press a gentle whisper of touch on the side of her mouth. She stood looking at him one moment more, her hands resting on his chest. With a shuddering breath, she turned and walked away.
"It's strange thinking there's a piece of your life you don't know anything about," mused Kathryn. Back in her quarters, seven years further along the spun thread of time, they had resumed their interrupted dinner.
"Sounds a lot like the future." Chakotay was watching her through lowered eyelids as they lounged companionably together over the remains of their meal.
"Any predictions?"
""Only that in a few minutes, this bottle will be empty."
"Then maybe you should go to the cargo bay and grab another."
He was tired, but her reply brought him into a slamming awareness. How did she know? No, it wasn't possible. With the piecing together of time and space, she would not have remembered. His head snapped up and he met her eyes.
"How do you know that's where I keep it?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
Her laughing eyes met his. "Temporal prime directive."
He studied her, trying to figure out if she was serious. She sobered and met his eyes, giving him the chance to speak.
"You remember don't you?" He said the words slowly.
"Parts. It's like a fractured dream. I don't think that Tom, B'Elanna and the others do, so I can only think it's because I was with you for so long that I can."
"Have you always known then? Even before we ended up in the Delta Quadrant?"
"No. I had the first flash of deja vu that first time you beamed over to Voyager, just after the Caretaker stranded us here. I felt that I knew you, which I thought was impossible." Her mouth twisted wryly. "It made it easy to trust you though. I just had a gut feeling that I should, that somehow our lives were going to be intertwined."
"And I thought it was my charisma when I pointed that phaser at you."
"That too. You've always been a compelling man, Chakotay."
She looked at him over the table. "As the years passed, other images came back to me. Other snippets of information. Other pictures of you."
"Go on," he prompted her, when she paused.
She looked him in the eyes. "I remembered our kiss."
He had wondered, had hardly dared to hope that she might.
"At first, I couldn't separate the reality of it from my fantasies." She smiled self-depreciatingly at him. "You didn't know I fantasized about you, did you?"
"No," he admitted. "You hid it well."
"I had to. If I gave in, if we gave in to the attraction between us, who knows if we would have got to this point at all. You said we weren't lovers. I couldn't change that."
Fleetingly, with a twist of pain, he wondered what would have happened if he'd given into the impulse to lie to her and told her that they became lovers in her future. Would they be together now, or would the decision have taken their lives down a different path?
She watched him, as if she could read his thoughts.
"You don't know how hard it was, Chakotay. Especially on New Earth, with the knowledge that you were just the other side of the shelter and wanted me as much as I wanted you."
He closed his eyes briefly at the thought of what he would have done with that knowledge. Remembered the frustration and pain of thinking she didn't want him, couldn't love him.
"I'm sorry." She was watching him. "I had to do it to you, to us. I didn't have a choice." She reached out a hand across the table to him, covering his clenched fist, lightly stroking the back of his hand.
Quickly he covered her hand with his other one. Mixed in with the knowledge of what he had lost was a hope that he hardly dared voice, even to himself. She remembered their kiss. She admitted that she had wanted him. Where would they go from here?
The refrain beat in his head over and over.
"Do you know the one thing that has given me more hope over the last seven years than anything else?" Her voice was soft.
Wordlessly he shook his head; he didn't trust his voice.
"Our kiss." She looked down at their clasped hands. "All those times when we distrusted each other, fought, our professional disagreements, it was the elusive memory of that kiss that made me believe that everything would be all right in the end. Times when we hurt each other, those times you fell in love with other women..." The quiver in her voice betrayed the emotion she was feeling.
She looked directly at him, not hiding the hurt that the memory of Riley, of Kellin could bring. He longed to stroke a careful thumb under her lashes and remove the moisture there, wanted to kiss her eyes and tell her it was never like that, that even as he fancied himself in love, something, someone had held him back. Most of all he wanted to soothe the hurt her saw in her face, but her hand gripped his tightly and he couldn't move.
"I thought that if you could kiss me like that, seven years into our future, with that amount of caring and passion that it would be all right in the end. That we would survive, together." She took a shuddering breath, and he sensed the tenuous hold she had on her control.
"Was I right?" It was a tentative whisper, unlike her normal confident tones.
He still didn't believe that this moment heralded the fruition of his dreams. Was she asking him for reassurance that he still loved her as a friend, or was she asking him for more? The shattered wefts of time that had brought them to this point together parted and he glimpsed a future where they were together, as lovers, as soulmates, as partners. Cautiously, he let himself think of it. He looked at her face. The naked hope and fear mingled on her face reassured him.
He stood, pulling her up with him. Shuffling around the table, he released her hand and put his on her shoulders. His thumbs stroked her collarbones through the thick fabric of her uniform. She looked uncertainly up at him. "I love you, Kathryn"
She sighed and closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I love you too. There were so many times in the past when I was convinced that this would never happen."
He chuckled, wrapping his arms fully around her, bringing her to his body. He dropped his face to rub in her hair. "I thought that was my line."
He held her for long moments, feeling her press against him, lightly stroking her shoulders and back. She pressed her face into his chest, holding him close to her. For long moments they just stood, feeling the physical closeness long denied.
"Chakotay," her voice was muffled by his uniform.
"Hmmm?" He nuzzled her hair.
"That kiss. For you it was only a couple of hours ago, wasn't it."
His lips curved with the memory of it. "Yes."
"For me, it's been seven years." She raised her face to see him.
"Ah. Do you want to remedy that?"
As she had done seven years ago, a few hours ago, she wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled his head down to hers.
Their lips met, and she melted bonelessly against him. He could feel her firm breasts pressing into his chest, feel the slight pillow of her belly pushing against his burgeoning arousal. Her lips moved underneath his, opening, letting him in. He swept his tongue into her mouth, reliving the taste of her, feeling her respond to him. He gathered her to him, closer, rubbing one hand under the weight of her hair, as he stamped his feel on her mouth. Swirling, sucking, their breath mingled in gasps until he eased back. Gulping air but unable to stay away, he pressed gentle open-mouthed kisses on her cheeks, forehead, and eyes. His thumbs rested on her neck, feeling her thundering pulse, one that mirrored the erratic pounding of his own.
He tried to speak, but found he was too choked to form words. On his third try, he spoke. "What now? Where do we go from here?"
He had never seen her face so soft or relaxed. "The bedroom?" she whispered. "Will you make love with me?"
"Is that what you want?" He had to be sure.
"I've had seven years to hope that one day we would be lovers," she kissed the dimple in his chin.
"I've only had a short time to believe it."
She moved her hips from side to side on his erection. "Didn't take you long to rise to the occasion."
In answer he stepped back, and taking her hand led her into her bedroom. Holding her eyes with his own, he stroked a finger along her jaw, walking it down, around her ear, down over the thundering pulse in her neck to the turtleneck. Stroking around the front of the neckline, he moved to the claps of her uniform, pulling free the clasp and parting the front. She watched him with heated eyes, moving to assist him as he slipped first one, than the other arm out of her uniform top. When it fell free, she pulled the turtleneck over her head leaving her in a plain, white Starfleet issue bra.
His eyes took in the slope of white, freckled shoulders, the swell of her breasts, the slightly jutting ribcage. He stroked soft hands down her arms to the tips of her fingers. Raising up her hand, he nibbled each fingertip in turn, sucking them lightly into his mouth, before placing her hand on the clasp of his own uniform. She pulled it impatiently apart, sliding her hands down his tight chest to pull the turtleneck out of his pants and slip her hands underneath.
He couldn't suppress a gasp as her small hand roamed his back, smoothing over his skin. Her face reflected her joy at touching him.
She tugged at the turtle neck, sighing with pleasure as he removed it. Her hands touched his skin as soon as it was bare, caressing his broad chest, her fingers sure and knowing on his flesh.
He needed more of her, and pushed down the pants of her uniform. She sat on the bed to remove her boots, before pulling off the pants. Still she sat in front of him and grasping his hips pulled him towards her. He looked down and saw her burnished head rest on his belly, her hands busy with the fastening of his pants. She pushed them down and off his hips, stroking hands down the sides of his thighs, running gentle hands down the outside and up the inside, stopping short of the cotton of his briefs. She pressed her mouth to his belly.
Just the thought of lying with her, sharing his body with her had him dizzy with the wanting of her. He felt her hands on his buttocks, pulling him closer to her questing mouth. She ran an exploratory finger up his hard shaft, over the material of his briefs.
"These have to go." Her mouth vibrated softly on his belly as she tugged on his briefs.
He let her lower them, and kicked them away, gasping as her hand curled around his length.
"Wait…" He moved away slightly from her insistent fingers and moved onto the bed, dragging her down to him, aligning their bodies, savoring the feel of her lying next to him, her skin sliding slowly over his. He lowered his mouth to kiss her again, as he dragged his hand slowly up over her ribs to cover a breast. He felt her breathy moan as a puff of air into his mouth, and the slight arching of her back as his fingers circled her puckered nipple. She raised herself up slightly and he unfastened her bra, pulling it away from her body. She lay still for him, her eyes on his face, watching him as he studied her body. He sensed she was not comfortable with his scrutiny and wanted badly to reassure her. He took her face between his hands, waiting until she met his eyes.
"You are so beautiful," he whispered the words to her, letting the love he felt for her show openly on his face. "I love you."
She smiled the self depreciating smile he knew so well. "No," she said, "but thank you."
"Kathryn, you are. Look at me, see the truth of what I tell you."
His eyes roamed hotly over her body, studying the curves of breast and hip, the indent of her waist, the flat cushion of her belly. Deliberately he lowered his head to her breast, nipping and sucking on the dusky tip, as his hand came up to rub its partner. He lifted a leg and placed it over her, rubbing it up and down her own, feeling his erection dig insistently into her hip.
She was whimpering slightly, in concert with the tug of his mouth on her nipple and her hands were running over his body, seeking out the places that made him gasp, touching the previously untouchable.
His hand left her breast and moved down over her stomach to the edge of her panties. He dragged a finger along the edge, slipping under the waist band to rake through the coarse hair that covered her. She twisted under his seeking fingers, then lifted her hips, silently inviting him to remove their final barrier.
Panties gone, and it was just the two of them, pressed together skin to skin. She watched as his fingers dipped lower, stroking through to find the core of her and pressing, slipping slickly, circling her nerve center. His mouth moved over her stomach, lower between her parted thighs, dropping down to bury his nose in the coarse covering of hair. The unmistakable smell of female arousal excited him even more, and he flickered his tongue, hearing her whimpers and sighs. His own arousal was uncomfortable underneath him, but he wanted her pleasure first, wanted her to lose herself in him.
Starlight from the viewport edged her body with an ethereal silver, shimmering slightly on the outlines as he looked over her heaving belly, over her perfect breasts to her face. She was beautiful, eyes half closed, biting her lip, her hair spread in a glossy cloud over the pillow.
"Stop," she gasped. "Please, stop..." Her hips undulated, giving the lie to her words. "Stop, I want you inside me."
He didn't want to stop, he was overwhelmed by her response, the taste of her, the small sounds that passed her lips, but he too wanted to be inside her, to complete their joining in the only way left to them. He swirled his tongue over her one final time, feeling her hips buck convulsively. She was close to release.
He sat back on his heels, his penis hard and stiff in front of him, before moving over her body, stroking each nipple once with gentle fingers, before settling on top of her, between her spread thighs. She reached a hand down between their bodies, positioning him at her entrance and tilted her hips to receive him.
His heart was slamming in erratic leaps in his chest and his breath was rasping in his closed throat. The emotion of the moment, the implications of what they were doing, and the knowledge that this, unlike time, was irrevocable, set him trembling. He delayed, kissing her parted lips, stroking her face.
She stared up at him with luminous eyes. "Please Chakotay."
The need in her voice was his undoing, and he slid home in one smooth thrust, feeling her opening around him, then clenching down tight. He pulsated inside her, enfolded her in his arms and took her mouth again, joining them in every way. She was taut with need underneath him, her hands roamed his back and down to his buttocks, pulling him further into her, raising her legs to let him plunge deeper, ever deeper.
A thrust, a gentle thrust, feeling her molten walls around him, another, harder and then she was coming, clenching around him like a fist, arching her body up off the bed, crying his name over and over. He moved inside her, too full for words, the turgidity of his member telling him that he too was only moments away from release. He moved hard and fast to ensure her pleasure was increased, and the heat and silken friction sent him spiraling over the edge of his control, whirling into a vortex of feeling as he flooded her with his release, burying his face in the curve of neck and shoulder.
He was unwilling to part from her, but feared he was heavy. He tried to move away, but she raised a leg and wrapped it over his, holding him in place with leg, arms, and bonds of love.
"No, stay here inside me a moment longer," she framed his face with small hands. "This has been too long in the making. I want to savor the feeling."
"I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her with tenderness and love. "I've waited seven years for you. I'm not letting you go anywhere without me."
She sighed in his arms, and he felt the threads in the fabric of time close the weave, binding them together.
Feedback? Please. Shayenne