Finding Calm within the Storm
Rated Pg13
By Sheri
Kathryn was seething; she had gone beyond angry long ago. She paced the brig unable to settle her emotions while watching the security officer as he tried his best not to watch his former captain.
Former captain. "Son of a bitch," she muttered.
Just how long had she been kept here? A few days at least. She wasn't sure since no one seemed to be speaking to her.
The doors to the brig opened and in walked Chakotay. "Kathryn, we have set up quarters for you on deck ten. They are actually quite decent sized considering they were formally a storage area," started Chakotay.
"Oh, how very sweet of you, Chakotay. Give me back my command and I'll see to it that you don't spend too much time in the brig," she said through gritted teeth.
Chakotay ignored her and continued, " Neelix will bring you your food and your room is already stocked sufficiently to last for quite a while. There is no replicator but the guards will bring you anything else you need, within reason."
"Chakotay, just how long do you think you can pull this off? The crew will fight back, they will...."
Chakotay cut her off. "The crew is behind me one hundred percent, Kathryn. There was a time all of us would have stood by you but not anymore; you almost killed a man for absolutely no reason. You've changed and you are not fit for command."
"Commander, you are out of line," she spat.
"That is ‘Captain’ to you. You will be transported to your new quarters in a few minutes. And Kathryn, don't try anything; we'll know," said Chakotay. He turned his back to her, nodded at the security guard then left. He hated doing this to her; he had to believe the Kathryn he once knew and loved still existed, but he wasn't sure anymore. And until he knew, he'd be forced to take this action against her.
=^=
Kathryn stood still and eyed her new quarters. "How nice and cozy," she muttered to herself. "They've done wonderful things with the storage units. Now why didn't I think of this?" She moved over to the view port. "Something even I have to bend down for," she muttered. "Why anyone would have put the windows so near the floor is beyond me," she said looking away for a moment; the downward view was something she wasn't used to. Her next move was the door but it gave no response. She hit the access panel a few times then finally backed off.
Kathryn wandered around, eyeing the contents of the room, not wanting to accept that this was her fate. For the first time since this began, she realized that Chakotay was serious; he wasn't going to back down. She eyed the bedroom, or what she could call a bedroom, at least they put up a privacy wall for her. Everything she needed was here; the bathroom was fully stocked; the drawers contained her clothes, minus her uniforms. Her insides clenched at the fact that someone had obviously gone through her belongings in order to get them here. She felt her heart pound. Was it Chakotay? Did he find…"Shit" she muttered as she noticed her little "stress relief helper" sitting at the bottom of the drawer. She briefly touched the cylindrical object remembering all the times she had pretended it was Chakotay, not some harmless piece of rubber.
Kathryn heard the door open and moved to the middle of the room. It was a nervous Neelix carrying a tray of food, "Ca… Uhhh… Ka… I've brought your food. I'll just leave it over here," he said before quickly exiting the room. She sighed, picking up the fork and moving around the contents of the tray. Now she had to survive on this … this… food, just how much was she expected to endure anyway?
Kathryn noticed her entire collection of paperback books was neatly placed on a shelf, a shelf that could be used to bash in the head of one certain… "Stop that. It would get you nowhere," she scolded herself.
She wondered how long Chakotay would do this? Would he keep her in this room for the rest of the journey? Or would he eventually let her out to mingle with the crew? Mingle, ha! That wouldn't happen; she didn't do it before when she was a captain so she certainly wouldn't do it now, not after they had all betrayed her.
Kathryn found herself sitting at the small table picking at the pieces of her dinner. Her mind drifting off to the actions that had cost her her ship, her life, everything she had worked for. Tears brimmed in her eyes as the reality hit her; she deserved this. It had been her actions that brought her to where she was today, locked away to be forgotten about in the bowels of her ship. Her ship, not Chakotay's. She should be grateful that they hadn't spaced herl; she could be floating out there with the debris of the Equinox.
Kathryn quickly fought off the beginning of the regret, replacing it with an anger that felt more real to her. It bubbled up within her, growing stronger as the minutes ticked by. She had to release it and knew the one way to do it -- the most uncaptain-like way she could think of.
The dish hit the doors and shattered to pieces in a fashion the brought a smile to the face of Kathryn Janeway, the first smile in days.
Of course, it also brought Lieutenant Ayala to the door, stopping just before he stepped on the broken glass. "Everything all right in here, ma'am?" he asked, showing little emotion.
"Just dandy," she said with sarcasm dripping from her voice.
"Do you need any help?" he asked, with as much sarcasm as she was dishing out.
She huffed, "I could ask you to clean that up but I suppose that’s out of the question."
He looked down, eyeing the contents then back up to her, "I will let Mr. Neelix know how much you enjoyed his meal. Have a nice day." Then he was back out the door.
Kathryn mumbled a few more things before retiring to the bedroom, when boredom over took, the only thing left was to sleep, as if she could do that.
=^=
The days dragged by, one into the next, bringing nothing exciting to Kathryn's new world. The only thing she had to look forward to was a visit from security whenever she did something that they frowned upon.
Kathryn was actually enjoying provoking them, doing the simplest things just to bring them in so she could watch their reaction. Throwing things were one of her favorites but that was going to have to stop, on her last tantrum she grabbed the closest thing she could find and ended up shattering one of her favorite vases. Of course, it wasn't like she would ever see flowers in it again, but she had still regretted its destruction. All her actions ever got her was glares from the young security officer, Michaels, and a laugh or two from Ayala.
Michaels, now that was a man Kathryn liked less and less. She had never noticed him before; he wasn't even real security, probably someone simply assigned to watch over her. She didn’t like the way he eyed her and looked her over as if she were a piece of meat. He made the occasional subtle threat whenever she 'misbehaved.' There was no doubt in her mind-- she didn't like him.Of course, whenever she complained to someone else about him, they told her that she didn't have much of a say in the matter anymore so she had to put up with it.Is this what it came to? Her having no more respect given to her than a speck of dust on the mantle?
Over her dead body would she put up with it. She would just have to be a little more careful with what she threw around. Kathryn casually walked over to her table, picked up one of the chairs and gave it a toss, enjoying seeing it bounce off the door as if it were made of rubber. The doors flew open and the guard came in -- Michaels once again. "Janeway, your are going to have to stop this."
She crossed her arms and gave him her best death glare; she still had that in spades. "And are you going to be the one to stop me?" She was daring him, a dare that she knew he would never accept. He clenched his fists and stepped forward, the urge to hit her there, waiting to burst out. "I will be the one to stop you. You forget, I out rank you."
Kathryn did her best to hide the flare of anger. "Get out of my quarters. You have no damn right to be in here," she screamed. She stepped forward, noticing he stepped back briefly. She smugly continued, "Get the hell out!"
He reached to door. "All right, but understand, next time, you'll regret it."
Kathryn tried not to laugh at the way he suddenly backed off but couldn't help it. Funny how she still instilled fear in even the biggest jerks. She hated the fact that she seemed to be there for the guard’s entertainment and would purposely find different ways to annoy them. She knew her behavior was wrong and she should stop it but never before had she been faced with this. The one thing that she enjoyed best about being a Captain was the freedom that went with it. Now, here she was, locked up, she couldn't stand it and had to act out; the way she acted out may not be the best but at least it helped her vent some anger. With a slight bounce to her step, she moved back to the couch to get back to the book she was reading; the very boring book
.=^=
Michaels and Ayala stood before Chakotay, who sat behind the desk in
the ready room, head in his hand. Once again, they were delivering their
report on Kathryn Janeway, the report that stated she was making it difficult
on everyone who dared to enter her new quarters. He had known
she would not take this lying down, but he hadn’t expected her to take
it out on everyone.
Who was he kidding? It didn't really surprise him. After
all he hadn’t approached her, not after his encounter with her in the brig.
This was the best for her, it would do her good to step back and take a
good look at the person she had become. He repeated this endlessly, trying
to set it in his mind; he just wished he could believe it.
"All right gentlemen," he said, " let me see what I can do."
As soon as the two men left, he called Tuvok to the ready room and explained the problem to him. Just as he hoped, Tuvok volunteered to go talk to Kathryn, hoping that his long-standing friendship with her would help calm her some.
Chakotay sighed in relief. "Chicken," he mumbled to himself as he sat back down at the desk and pretended to go over the rest of the reports.
=^=
Tuvok stepped into the dark quarters, and called for one-quarter lights. He found her sitting on the couch, a book open but lying in her lap. "Kathryn," he began, "I was hoping I could have a few moments of your time to discuss your predicament."
"Of course," she said sarcastically. "It seems that thanks to my friends I have nothing but time. Are you all happy up there on the bridge? Is it a much happier place now that you’ve gotten rid of me? Are you proud of yourself, Tuvok?"
"I don't see Captain Chakotay's actions as wrong, if that's what you are asking. You were acting irrationally," he said calmly.
"Captain Chakotay? You seem to say that with ease. Isn't that nice," she said raising her voice with every syllable she spoke. "And I like that: irrational. Now I'm irrational!" she screamed. "I thought we were friends. What happened to my life long friend? Are you Chakotay's friend now?"
"This behavior, coupled with your treatment of the guards, could prompt me to recommend we move you to the brig where the situation could be better controlled. We only allowed you to have these quarters so you would be more comfortable and would perhaps calm down and consider your actions. Perhaps we were mistaken," said Tuvok.
"Go ahead," she screamed, "throw me in the brig. It wouldn't be any worse than this. How did you think this would affect me? Tuvok, I don't deserve this; I can't do this. Give me back my command. You know that’s where I belong."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow, "I do believe that Chakotay was correct in his actions and perhaps, over time, you will see that."
"I will not see that! How the hell is isolating me down in the bowels of my own ship supposed to help me?"
"I would hope it would give you time, away from the stress of command, to contemplate your actions, admit you were wrong and hope to find a way to minimize the damage," said Tuvok.
"You are just like those damn guards, here just to irritate me. I can't believe I once called you a friend. No friend would do this. Stress of command! I wasn't under any stress, until now. Now I have to worry about what the hell is happening to my ship while I waste away down here. I shouldn't be the one down here locked up. You should be worried about the fact that you put a Maquis criminal in charge of the whole damn ship!" she screamed, turning away from him.
"I see," said Tuvok. "Perhaps you will be more willing to talk at a later time."
Kathryn didn't bother to turn around to watch him leave; she just hoped her little tantrum would do some good even if the she regretted the words she had said.
=^=
Her tantrum got her just the results she was hoping for just a few hours later Chakotay was at her door, standing just barely in the door way as if he was asking permission to come in.
She wasn't going to give it to him; he could stand there forever if he wanted. He sighed and walked in, never taking his eyes off the woman standing at the far end of the room, her back to him.
"Just how long is this going to go on, Kathryn?" he asked, sounding more tired than anything.
"I think you know the answer to that, Chakotay," she answered. "When you stop this and give me back my command."
"I am perfectly within Starfleet regulations in what I did," started Chakotay. "You need time to sort this out."
"Sort what out, Chakotay? All of you seem concerned with something and I have no idea what," she lied.
"Come on, Kathryn, you can't expect me to believe that. You know perfectly well your actions with Ransom were violating regulations that something had to happen. And what about Lessing? Was that called for?"
"Give me a break here," she screamed, "those were not enough for you to do this to me."
"Kathryn, I am not going round and round with you here. We could discuss this until we are both blue in the face and I won’t change my mind. You are going to have to stop acting like this, and that’s final," he said, the anger finally showing.
Kathryn calmed immediately, trying a different tactic. She moved closer to him, facing him this time, "So how do you want me to act, Chakotay?"
Chakotay took a deep breath, grateful that the argument appeared to be over. "I want Kathryn back, the Kathryn that would stop to think about something before she jumped in head first, even if it was only briefly.”
"She never left, Chakotay," she said quietly. "She's still here," she said moving even closer.
They were only inches apart. Chakotay could feel her breath on him and did his best to control his breathing. "Then start beeing her again, Kathryn. Let the crew know the Kathryn I used to know. I don't like having you locked up but I need to know I can trust you again. I need to see a change."
Kathryn reached up, putting her hand on his chest, just enough to create a slight pressure. "I can do that, Chakotay," she began.
Chakotay didn't even realize it was happening; suddenly she stood on her tiptoes and gently placed her lips to his, her tongue snaking out to lick his lips. Hearing Chakotay groan, she moved in for the kill, snaking one arm around his neck, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.
Chakotay responded at first but then pulled away, "Kathryn?"
"If I’m one thing, Chakotay, it’s smart. I realize that as a crewman I'm free to do this. I'm free to show you what I've wanted to show you for a long time, but couldn't," she said, keeping her lips just inches from his.
There was a part of her that hated that she was doing this; this was no better than selling her body. Or was it her soul? But she had to get her ship back and if it took giving Chakotay what he had always wanted then so be it. She even considered backing out for a brief moment, but brief it was; She pushed back any guilt coming to the surface and continued with her plan.
She could feel his arousal as it dug into her leg.
"Chakotay, do you want this?" she asked.
He nodded before latching onto her mouth once again and guiding her to the bed.
Chakotay lay, basking in the after glow of the love making, smiling as Kathryn traced invisible circles on his chest. He felt wonderful, as if a huge weight was off his shoulders; he had finally reached her.
Unfortunately it would be only brief. "Chakotay, now that you see I'm still Kathryn, are you going to give me back my command?" she asked softly.
He shot up, out of the bed before she had time to realize it. "Is that what this was all about?"
Kathryn propped herself up on her elbows. "What?" she asked, making sure the sheet that was up to her neck, dropped to reveal her breasts.
"Cover up, Kathryn, " he said angrily. "This is over right now. No matter what, you will remain here."
He quickly dressed and began walking towards the door. He was hit by the pillow that she tossed at him. He turned to see her standing in the doorway, the sheet just barely covering her up. "You son of a…" she began.
"Don’t say it, Kathryn. This is over. I already said it. If this is the game you are playing, than so be it, but don't expect me to come back here and fall for it again. As far as the rest goes, if your behavior doesn’t change, and I mean quickly, you will find yourself in the brig for the rest of the journey. Think about it," he said before making a hasty exit out of the room.
Kathryn sank to the floor, pulling the sheet tighter around her, tears brimming in her eyes. "Oh my god, what have I done?" she said aloud, the reality of what she had done finally hit her.
=^==^==^=
Kathryn leaned her head against the cold metal, hoping it would help bring relief; it didn't. Her stomach still rolled, letting her know that the rest of her breakfast would soon be coming back up. She tried to breathe deeply, hoping that old trick would help calm her stomach; no such luck. She bent over the toilet, once against heaving until her stomach was empty.
Kathryn finally felt some relief and gingerly made her to the pitcher of water, hoping it was still cool. Once she had the glass in hand, she made her way to the couch and flopped down. "You know damn well what this is, Kathryn, so quit trying to fool yourself," she mumbled.
She was pregnant. Her period hadn't come last month, although she chalked that up to stress but the latest bout of morning sickness, which seemed to come every day for the past four days, left no doubt in her mind.
She heard her chime ring, which brought forth a small chuckle. That would be Neelix; he always rang before he came, despite the fact that she couldn't answer her own door.
The urge to rebel nearly caused her to make another nasty remark but the way Neelix entered without a word, placing her tray on the table and heading quickly for the door reminded her, once again, what that attitude had gotten her; a world of loneliness.
Kathryn had toned down her behavior since the beginning of her stay in her deluxe prison, yet she couldn't help the stray remark that managed to make its way out now and then.
Now she had a problem; she hadn't had it verified by the doctor, but she didn't really need to, she knew she was pregnant. Should she call Chakotay and tell him? Would he even care? Before, yes, she knew he would, but now? It was obvious he no longer loved her and why should he?
"Well, fuck him, and fuck the rest of this crew. If they want to find out then, they are going to have to ask me," she muttered, knowing none of them would even say a word to her.
=^=
It wasn't that hard, she managed to convince the guards that she needed some new clothes. They chuckled at her, telling her that she must be gaining weight with all her inactivity and managed to convince Chakotay to allow her to replicate three new tops and two pairs of pants.
Kathryn chose a couple sizes larger than she usually wore, knowing she should replicate maternity wear but she didn't want to give them any clue to her condition. Between larger tops and stretch pants, she should be able to make it through her entire pregnancy and hopefully not give them any clue.
Yes, the rational part of her brain told her that she should alert the doctor and make sure she was healthy enough to go through with this, but he too had betrayed her. Not once did he attempt to come by and visit with her and of course she had just had her exam shortly before going into isolation so why would she need to see him again so soon?
Kathryn assumed her isolation was due to Chakotay. She thought he had told the crew they weren't allowed to visit. That could be the reason for no visitors. It was either that or no one really wanted to see her. It was easier to blame Chakotay.
But something else that lingered in Kathryn's mind. Had she distanced herself so much from her crew that none of them really considered her a friend? Was it out of sight, out of mind? Or were they afraid of her? After all, she had attempted to kill a man, What had she become?
Kathryn sighed and headed for the shower. The food sitting on the table did not interest her at the moment but a nice hot shower did. Too bad she wasn't allowed a water shower either; it was sonic shower or no shower. What she wouldn't do for a nice hot bath!. She stripped down and stepped into the cubical, activating the shower. Her hand drifted down to her still flat belly and she wondered if she could really do this. All alone, here in this horribly dull room of hers.
The momentary feeling of loneliness rushed over her but was quickly replaced by anger. It wasn't her fault she was in here; it was Chakotay's, Chakotay and the rest of the crew that could care less about the pregnancy.
Yes, she could do it, and she would. She wouldn't tell them a damn thing. Yes, they would find out eventually, but if it weren’t until the baby was born, then it would prove they didn’t care about her.
=^==^==^=
Kathryn sighed, leaning back against the couch, her eyes drifting shut just for a moment. She was waiting to see if her latest request for painting supplies, canvases, brushes, and paints would be granted. It was something besides books to keep her busy.
The last request she had made, for a computer for her to work on, simply got her a laugh. She knew right away that she wouldn't get one. Now she only hoped they would grant this request. She was going to go insane if she had to sit around doing nothing much longer.
Just as she felt herself drifting off, the doors opened and Lieutenant Ayala stepped in carrying a large bag. "The captain approved of this," he said dropping the bag by the door and turning to leave.
Kathryn spoke up before he was out the door, "Lieutenant, thank you."
He smiled, the first nice statement from her since the beginning of
her imprisonment. " You're welcome."
Kathryn brought the supplies over to the porthole, setting everything
up near it. It was her only visible connection to the outside world and
she had slowly grown to love it; she even relied on it to keep her sane
during those times when the boredom seemed to overwhelm her.
Four months, she had been locked up for four months with no one to talk to, nothing to do but read books and let her imagination run wild. It was a miracle that she hadn't gone insane by now; or was her sanity slowly returning to her?
Pushing the morbid thoughts out of her head before they could overwhelm her entirely, she leaned the canvas against the wall and set up the paints nearby, anxious to get started. An image already appearing her mind -- an image of New Earth, of a time that seemed so simple, with nothing to worry about except monkeys and bugs.
Of course, even then she had to make things more complicated than they really were. If she had stopped to think about it, she would have known in reality her efforts alone wouldn't have made any difference in their rescue. Their shuttle wouldn't have gotten then home so her search for a cure was futile.
Kathryn could have better spent her time getting to know Chakotay, that planet, anything would have been better then her trekking off into the woods in search of some damned elusive bug.
Ever since discovering she was pregnant she had done a lot of inner searching, trying to find out who Kathryn was and where she had gone. It was elusive but Kathryn felt every day she was closer to finding the answers.
The Delta Quadrant had changed her, that much she knew. Before she was driven, yes, but not to the extent that she had become since their arrival in the Delta Quadrant. She would once have taken time to stop and enjoy life, enjoyed having someone to share that life. She would have stopped to smell the roses as they say.
Kathryn’s hand drifted to her belly, caressing the life within. "I wish I could make you understand all of this," she said softly, as if the child inside could hear and understand everything she said.
"I don't really know why I did what I did," she admitted. "Call it blind anger, I guess, because that's how it seems now. I was so blind with the anger after what I saw Ransom did, I couldn't control it. What he did was against everything I believe in and his crew was just following him like they didn't have a mind to think for themselves. It was wrong, all of it was wrong."
Kathryn took a deep breath. "Even so, it doesn’t excuse what I did. I became as bad as Captain Ransom by almost taking the life of one of his crewmen. You see, when you are a captain, your crew will follow you and do what you say. It’s your experience and judgment that is supposed to guide them."
Kathryn sighed, "God, when I think about it, my actions… just what was that telling my crew? That it’s okay to murder in cold blood? That I can justify it by saying he was wrong?" She looked down at her belly. "Honey, nothing in the world can justify it. You can't make a right from two wrongs, you just can't. Let this be your first lesson, your mother is locked up, imprisoned, because of her actions and no matter what I do, I can't go back and change it. Noah Lessing may someday forgive me but he will never forget what I did; it will always haunt him... and me."
Kathryn smiled slightly. "Now onto a better subject, your daddy. Well, once it was a better subject, now I'm not so sure. I used him, you know. Yes, it was wrong and yes, I wanted it, not just to get out of here. I wanted him more than anything in the universe. I found in him the other half of my soul. He had been by my side well before all of this, since the day we arrived here in the Delta Quadrant. He was right in stepping in, to stop me from killing that man. He is a rock in a very turbulent time."
Kathryn got up, poured herself a glass of water then returned to the couch. "You will like him, little one, and I know he will love you. I know he's probably still angry about how you were created and to be honest, so am I. I had always imagined when we finally got together … well, you’re a little too young to hear those details, but honey, it should have been wonderful and romantic. You could have been conceived in love. But what I do? I used him to try to get something? Me, I did it, I'm the only one to blame here. I haven’t even told your daddy about you and he will be angry about that, too and I won’t be able to blame him.
She rubbed her belly again. "Don't get me wrong, HOW you were created may have been wrong but I don’t regret having you for one moment. I think you are my turning point, the reason I have to change, not only my behavior that got me here in the first place, but how I was before. I wish I hadn't isolated myself so much. Here in the Delta Quadrant, I didn't have to follow every rule and regulation to the letter. There were things I could have let slide and allowed myself a little bit of happiness. I certainly allowed other members of the crew to do that.
"Yes, little one, if I get out of here, maybe I'll try to be different, maybe."
=^=
Kathryn for the most part was proud of herself, here she was nearly seven months pregnant and no one had a clue. She had managed to fool everyone who came in her room rather easily . No one wanted to approach her or touch her so by simply sitting covered up or with her knees drawn to her chin they couldn't see how large her belly had grown. She also stayed in her room, hiding behind the privacy screen or her bathroom half the time. They never had a need to search her out so it was all rather easy.
It was also rather lonely; Kathryn had no one to share the special moments, the first kick, or the pride in the fact that she was now going to be a mother. There was also no one to share her fears about something going wrong? She had no way to tell if the baby was healthy, or if she was healthy for that matter.
Despite her pride in deceiving her former crew, she also felt guilty; she should have told the doctor, let him take care of her during the pregnancy. If something went wrong, she would never forgive herself. She also should have told Chakotay, would he ever forgive her for keeping a secret like this?
Kathryn rose from the bed with a groan, her back was killing her and she longed for a hot bath to soothe the aches and pains. She made it to her doorway and stopped, a sharp pain shooting from her belly and down her legs. She bit her lower lip, trying to stop from crying out as the pain over took her, her legs collapsing sending her down to the floor.
Kathryn concentrated on her breathing, focusing only on that to get past the pain. Once it subsided, she tried to inch her way back up the wall to a standing position. She managed to get up and gingerly made her way back to her bed; she would lie down for a while, and hope whatever she had strained would ease up with a little rest.
It didn't help, the pain continued, coming every few minutes. She finally admitted she was in labor and was suddenly afraid, terrified would even be a better word. She waited for the latest contraction to pass before carefully getting out of bed. Once again she made it as far the wall before collapsing to the floor with the next contraction, the pain blanking everything else from her mind.
Neelix entered the dark room, being as quiet as he could; it was obvious to him that Kathryn was still asleep. He carefully set the tray on the table and headed back to the door. Just as he was about to leave, he heard a cry come from the bedroom. The cry sounded painful so he hesitantly went to investigate. He found Kathryn doubled over on the floor clutching at her belly, "Neelix … help… it's coming … it's too early," Kathryn managed to gasp out.
Neelix didn't understand what she was trying to tell him, only that she needed help. He ran back to the door to inform Mr. Ayala that she needed the doctor, who materialized moments later.
The doctor rushed in and instantly began to scan his new patient, gasping as the tricorder told him just what was wrong. Calling for a beam out the two of them disappeared and reappeared in sickbay where the doctor went into action.
Two hyposprays did it, the medication stopped the premature labor. "You know this could have been prevented if you would have informed me of your condition," lectured the doctor.
Kathryn turned away. "Just who would have cared?" said bitterly.
"We all would have," said the doctor softly.
Kathryn sighed; she was not in the mood for this debate. "Fine, sorry. Next time I will make sure everyone knows what is going on in the prisoner’s life."
"You are not a prisoner," said the doctor. At Kathryn's glare, her corrected his words. "Well, okay, you are, but we have all hoped it would be a temporary situation. That maybe you would change …"
Kathryn gingerly sat up. "And just who would have been around to see that change? I am roughly seven months pregnant yet no one had a clue."
"A mistake," said the doctor.
Kathryn looked away again. "Yeah, I guess."
"I don't think I am the one that should be having this conversation with you. Captain Chakotay needs to be informed about your condition. I haven't scanned for parentage yet but it’s obvious that you were taken advanta…."
Kathryn stopped him. "No, I wasn't. Don’t tell him," she pleaded.
"He's going to know you were beamed here out of your quarters," said the Doctor. "I have to tell him why. I can't lie to him."
"Like hell you can't!" she cried. She wasn't ready for the confrontation she knew would be coming once Chakotay found out she was pregnant. She had hidden the baby for nearly seven months. He would be furious.
"He is the captain and I am required to report to him on the general health of the crew of this ship," said the doctor.
"Like hell you have to tell him this,” she began but further protest was cut off when the doors to sickbay opened and Chakotay walked in.
"What's going on, Doctor? Is Kathryn okay?" he asked. He watched Kathryn roll away from him, turning to her side and slowly approached her on the biobed.
"She is fine now, but she will require close observation," explained the doctor. "I would like her to remain here for the next few days."
Chakotay stepped closer to Kathryn about to ask what the problem was but suddenly saw for himself. "Shit. Kathryn, why didn't you tell me?"
Kathryn smiled smugly, "Why, Chakotay? Would you have let me out so you could be closer to me? So, you could prepare to be a daddy? Or would you have actually visited me after our little one night stand?" She cringed as soon as the words came from her mouth, it was mostly habit but also hurt that brought them fourth, not really how she felt.
"Kathryn, that’s not fair. You clearly had an agenda when we slept together. You knew I would be angry yet you did it anyway," said Chakotay.
"That’s right, blame me for everything. Don't give me a chance, just keep me locked up where I can be forgotten about and life can go on," said Kathryn angrily. "Well, sorry, life did go on. Despite the fact that I've looked at the same four walls for the past seven months, a life was created and you weren't around to even notice."
"Kathryn, you haven’t made this easy on anyone," he began but the doctor cut him off.
"I think that’s enough talking for right now," said the doctor. "My patient needs to rest or we risk her going into premature labor again."
"Fine, send her to her quarters to rest," said Chakotay.
"She needs to rest here," insisted the doctor. "If she goes into labor again…"
"Fine, keep me informed. I'll be on the bridge," interrupted Chakotay before he turned on his heel and left.
The doctor watched him leave then turned back to his patient, seeing her lying there with her eyes closed he quietly started for his office when he heard her speak softly. "I didn't mean for it to end up like this. Ransom and all, I mean."
He turned and walked to her bio bed. "So why did you do it?"
"Pride I guess, pride in Starfleet, pride in what I had been doing all this time in the Delta Quadrant. I saw what he was doing and, I don't know, I guess I saw red. I was so angry at him that I didn't stop to see if I was crossing the line, too. I know now I did," she admitted.
"I see. Do you think admitting that will get me to help you?" asked the doctor.
Kathryn sighed, placing a hand on her belly. "I deserve that, I know. I think I need some sleep," she said before closing her eyes and pretending to fall asleep. She didn't want to talk anymore, not if everyone still believed she had some agenda in the back of her mind.
The doctor immediately felt bad for what he had said. How was she supposed to prove that she was getting better if no one gave her a chance?
=^=
Chakotay made it half way to the bridge before he stopped the turbo lift and rerouted it to engineering. He needed to talk to someone, B'Elanna to be exact.
He spotted B'Elanna immediately, hunched over a console. He approached her and whispered, " I need to talk."
She turned to a nearby ensign, gave her some orders than escorted Chakotay to her office where they could have some privacy. "What's up?"
Chakotay paced the room, l trying to get his thoughts in order. "She's pregnant," he blurted out.
"What? Who?" asked B'Elanna, confused.
"Kathryn," he told her.
B'Elanna took a deep breath. "Oh my god, what happened? Did someone…?"
"It’s mine," Chakotay admitted. "We… one time…I …that's not important right now. The fact remains that this baby is mine and I didn’t even know about it. As far as I know, no one knew about it."
"How far along is she?" asked B'Elanna.
"By my calculations she would be about seven months," said Chakotay.
"How could she have kept something like that hidden for so long?" asked B'Elanna, still shocked over the news.
"It’s not that hard considering I've kept her locked up like some animal. The only visitors she has had were guards and those delivering food," said Chakotay, regret clearly showing on his voice.
B'Elanna plopped into her chair. "Damn, I've never really thought about it like that. We have all supported you and I won’t take that back. She was out of control, Chakotay; we all know that."
"Yes, and at the time I didn't think twice about what I was doing. But now, seeing this…" he said, his voice trailing off into a whisper.
"Talk to her, tell her this. Maybe it’s time to lift some of those restrictions and see how she reacts," said B'Elanna.
Chakotay smiled, just slightly. "Maybe you’re right. I think I need to talk to Tuvok first."
"Okay, just let me know. It would probably be a good idea to inform the crew before she makes an appearance to let them know what is going on," said B'Elanna.
"Not yet, but yes, they will have to know," said Chakotay. He stood. "Thanks, B'Elanna, I needed this."
"No problem, you should know that by now," she said, pulling him into her arms. He returned the hug then left, hoping Tuvok would be able to help him clear his mind. He knew he was right in the decision he made but felt a bit guilty about how long he kept her in there..
=^=
After talking to Tuvok and finishing his shift, Chakotay's mind was made up. He couldn't, with a clear conscience, continue Kathryn's imprisonment. She had served her time and she had earned her release. He and Tuvok agreed she could have her old quarters back and have replicator privileges with only a few limitations, and a computer that would be monitored at all times.
Chakotay's next destination was sickbay to see if Kathryn was willing to listen to what he had to say. Along with informing her of her new status, he felt he had some apologizing to do and hoped she would understand what he had to say.
He found her sitting up, against a bunch of pillows, reading a book. She glanced up at him then back down to the book.
"Kathryn, how are you feeling?" he asked softly.
She closed the book and looked up. "I'm fine."
"No more contractions?"
She shook her head. "The doctor thinks I should be able to carry the baby the rest of term but wants to watch me until tomorrow, and then you can send me back…"
Chakotay came closer, pulling over a chair to sit down beside her. "I wanted to talk to you about that." He took a deep breath, "I think … no, I know I, too, haven't behaved my best. I … I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept you in solitary for so long and I know, I should have visited you, allowed others to."
"Chakotay, you don't have to be sorry. I can easily admit that I did go too far and even though I was angry, very angry, at what you did, I can now see that it was necessary. My behavior was unacceptable and I can only hope that one day you can forgive me, that this crew can forgive me and maybe accept me as one of the crew again," said Kathryn.
"Kathryn… listen, I am goingwe want to lift these restrictions, at least most of them. Tuvok and I have talked most of the afternoon. I’m moving you back to your quarters," said Chakotay.
"The captains quarters? I don’t deserve them, Chakotay. I'm fine where I am," said Kathryn.
"No, I won't have you living down on deck ten anymore. You will be moved; you will have a replicator, a computer…"
Kathryn sighed, "a bath, I would love a nice long bubble bath."
"Most definitely. I want to mend this, somehow, if we can, I want my friend back," said Chakotay.
Kathryn smiled, "I would like that."
His hand tentatively went to her belly and gently rested on it, feeling the life within kick him back. "I don't deserve a roll in his life…"
"Her life," Kathryn corrected him with a smile.
"A girl?" he asked, a surprised look on his face.
"Yes, the doctor told me this morning. I couldn't wait to find out," she admitted. "And you deserve a roll in her life. No matter what has happened, you are her father. We’ll have to decide later how we’ll handle this."
"Thank you," he said. "We have a lot to work out, but I hope over time we will."
"We will," said Kathryn. Both of them grateful to be at least at a starting point with their friendship and maybe more.
=^=
Chakotay smiled at the sight before him: Kathryn leaning against the pillows, coffee cup in hand and resting on her swollen belly, still reading the same book. "he doctor is allowing you coffee?" he asked with a smile as he approached her.
She looked down at the cup then back up with a smile. "Yes, well, this is decaffeinated but it’s still the same taste."
"You missed it that much that you accepted decaffeinated?"
She nodded her head. "It wasn't only the caffeine that I missed, it was the taste, the experience, all of it."
Chakotay held up his hand. "I promise, I will never part you from your coffee again, although I may see that it’s minus the caffeine part."
"You are cruel. Once I have this baby, its caffeine all the way," she said before taking another sip. "So what did you want, Chakotay?"
"I just wanted to see if you needed anything," he said.
"I go from a prisoner one day to you waiting on me the next? What's up, Chakotay?" she asked again.
He sighed. "I feel guilty. I guess I'm just trying to make up for it somehow," he admitted.
Kathryn looked away briefly then back to him "I'm the one who should feel guilty. I don't even know how to begin making up for all I did. I'm hoping that this crew can one day forgive me for what I did, but if they can't, I’ll understand. I’m not even sure if I can forgive myself."
Chakotay reached for her hand, taking it in his. "You will, Kathryn, and your crew has already begun to. Most already know about the baby and are anxious to come and see you, which is the other reason I'm here. Do you mind having visitors, besides me that is?"
"I'm not sure. I would love to see… well…it’s just been so long," she said softly, "and with the way I acted, I don't…"
"Don’t give me that, Kathryn," he began, a little harshly. "Seven months in isolation didn't turn you into a shy little girl who needs to hide behind the wall. It will be awkward at first, I'm sure of that, but they are the same crew and you are the same Kathryn Janeway. Give them a chance and give yourself a chance."
=^=
Kathryn’s first visitor surprised her; she woke up from a short nap to find Noah Lessing sitting in the chair next to her bio bed, holding onto a plush pink bunny. Once he noticed she was awake he smiled and handed her the stuffed animal. "I hope you don't mind, but I saw this in the data base and I couldn't resist, the Capt.… Chakotay, said it was a girl."
"It’s wonderful, thank you," she said reaching for the animal, "and it’s okay. I know he's the captain now. I'm glad you came, I really …. really need to apologize to you. what I did was unforgivable but I still need to say it, I am so sorry."
"It is forgivable and I do forgive you. Thanks for the apology though, it does mean a lot. I hope we can put this behind us and maybe we can start over," he said.
"I would like that," she said with a smile.
He stood, "Well, I do have to be on duty in a bit. Can I come back to see you again?"
"Of course," she said, shaking his hand and watching him leave. She held the bunny close to her. "Well, that was the hardest part, the rest should be a breeze. At least I hope it is," she said to herself.
Shortly after he left, Ayala arrived with a small cut on his hand. The doctor quickly treated it, leaving Ayala standing in the middle of the room eyeing Kathryn.
"I don't bite, you know, at least not hard," said Kathryn, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"Sorry. I knew about the baby, I guess I just didn't expect…" he began.
Kathryn put her hand on her swollen belly. "It does take some getting used to. Come on, talk to me. I know I behaved badly before. I didn't have any excuse for those awful tantrums, but now I do so…"
Ayala laughed. "I remember how irrational my wife would get at times. , If I didn’t get her the right flavor ice cream, boy, would there be problems!"
"Exactly. At least you understand. If I start to throw things…"
"I will just duck," he said with a laugh.
Kathryn touched his hand. "Really, the way I behaved…"
Ayala held hers briefly before letting go. "It’s in the past, so we
won't worry about it anymore." He spoke a few more words with her
before leaving her alone with her thoughts. It was hard getting used to
everyone suddenly being so forgiving. Kathryn knew she should have expected
it. Her crew, or former crew rather, were remarkable people; she
should have known they would move on and only want her back in the fold.
But to have it actually happen so smoothly as if they had planned it this
way, it was more than she could have hoped for.
Epilogue:
Kathryn made her way to the bridge, reading the engineering report as she rode the turbolift up to her destination. Upon reaching the bridge, she noticed Chakotay wasn’t in his seat and made her way directly to the ready room.
Her first stop was the replicator to obtain a much need coffee before joining Chakotay at the desk. "You know, B'Elanna has some excellent suggestions in here," she said, taking a sip of the coffee as she handed him the report.
He glanced over the report. "I agree. I'd like to read it over again but I don't see why she can't get started on most of them right away."
"Good, she'll be happy," she said. "So what about that report from Seven?" asked Kathryn, fishing for his reaction.
"Extreme as always. I have no problem allocating more power for Astrometrics in the short term, but she has to understand that it can't be forever. We do need those charts for the space ahead, but other departments need the power just as much," stated Chakotay.
"I agree. let’s give her two days. She should be able to finish in that time," said Kathryn.
"Okay, now, with that out of the way, what were you doing for lunch?" asked Chakotay.
"Having lunch with my daughter," said Kathryn. "I take it you would like to join us?" she said, teasing.
He pouted the best he could. "Well, if you have other plans…"
She swatted his arm "Stop it, of course we want you to join us." She leaned over the desk and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I'll see you in our quarters in a few hours."
"See you then," he said before picking up the engineering report. He watched her leave, grateful to once again have her in his life, happily in his life. She and their daughter were more than he could have ever asked for. There had been a time when he wondered if he would ever get back the Kathryn he loved so much.
He had her back and then some. He still felt guilty for his actions but he knew it had had to be done. Even though it had been a hard time, he knew it had done Kathryn a lot of good. She was a different person now, one who smiled and loved, who took out time to spend with her crew, who got to know them as people, and she made some great friends along the way.
Kathryn and Chakotay had spent many hours since her release talking about her time locked up and the incident that lead up to it. Kathryn still carried around a lot of guilt over her behavior but was overcoming it with his help and the help of the crew. She no longer dwelled on the past, but looked forward to a future, that hopefully included getting home but definitely included more happiness than either could have hoped.