This story may not be for everyone, contains one or two sensitive subjects.
Once again my muse got a crazy idea in her head that demanded to be written.
Read at your own risk! :)
Guilt
Rated NC17
By Sheri
My name is Harry Kim, and this is the story about what I believe caused
the downfall of my life. I know that may sound drastic, but you'll understand
when you hear all of it. It all started four years ago. And guilt has been
my constant companion since then.
~~~~~~~~
Four years ago:
I'm not sure how it happened; one minute I was enjoying my shore leave, walking along a road on this beautiful planet the inhabitants called Arthenix. And the next minute I was being dragged out of a room that reminded me of a hospital room. From there I was put into a dark cell.
I looked around, at first assuming that I was alone, but soon discovered I wasn't. In the corner was the Captain, she looked to be asleep. I moved closer to her and touched her on the shoulder and she stirred.
I suddenly noticed that I was quite aroused; it confused me, because despite the fact that I think my Captain is a beautiful woman, I do not think of her in that way.
I tried to ignore my hardening member and sat with her talking about our predicament. We both concluded that there was nothing we could do about it at our present time so we decided to sit it out and wait and see what our captors wanted.
It was about an hour later when I decided to move away to the opposite side of the cell. The feeling in my groin was becoming uncomfortable and I decided that sitting next to her wasn’t helping at all. She questioned it, but I simply told her I was tired and going to try to get some sleep. She accepted the excuse and said she would take first watch.
I did manage to sleep, the captain said that I slept for a few hours, but still there was no change in my state of arousal. My agitation increased - just how long was I expected to endure this? Never had I had an erection that had lasted so long. I found my hand unconsciously moving down my pants, so I lifted my knees to hide what I was doing. Normally I would have been embarrassed but I didn't care any more. I noticed the Captain looking at me from the corner of her eye, so I stopped; I didn't need to embarrass myself more than I already had.
She asked if I was all right. I said that I was, but I knew that she didn't believe me. Next thing I knew she was standing in front of me, hands on her hips, demanding the truth. I barely managed to tell her; just how do you tell your Captain that you've been in a state of arousal for hours now and it's becoming unbearable?
She looked slightly embarrassed herself, so I asked her if she could leave me alone for awhile, maybe put her back to me so I could take care of it. I couldn't believe I said that, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it. She must have understood as she left to sit on the opposite side of the room, and she did face away from me.
I'm assuming the aliens did this, whoever they really were. It’s the only explanation I had. And despite my better judgement, my hand went right back down my pants and I did my best to relieve my problem. Only no relief was found.
After, what, it must have been a couple hours of trying, I was practically in tears. The ache was getting to be way too much, I couldn't concentrate I couldn't do anything. I felt like a complete fool, doing this here in front of my commanding officer, but I couldn't help it by now.
Imagine my surprise when I looked up to find her standing above me once again. I just about died right there and then. My dick was out of my pants, my hand was still around it, and she could see it all. She clearly gulped then said, "let me help."
By now I wanted to crawl in a hole. I yelled for her to leave me alone. Told her to get away, that she was not going to help me with this. And once again she walked away. This time she didn’t turn her back to me, she simply lay down and closed her eyes.
I felt bad, I didn't mean to yell, but the idea of having sex with my Captain was honestly one that had never crossed my mind. Yes, I know there are many men who would have jumped at that offer, but I thought too highly of her for that.
I guess you can say I was surprised then to find myself moving over to her another half hour later. All I said was 'please'. She opened her eyes, slid her pants off and beckoned me to lie on top of her. I did and slipped my aching member into her and immediately climaxed. I swear I have never felt such relief in my entire life. I just collapsed; every muscle in my body felt like it would never work again.
It took me only a minute to realize that I could be crushing her. I got up, but couldn't look in her eyes. She didn't say a word, just pulled up her pants and sat up, leaning against the wall, I moved to my corner where we stayed until we were rescued a few hours later.
The doctor checked us over; it seemed he did find some traces of an unknown drug in my system. I told him the symptoms I had, leaving out the cure, although he probably would know what that was. He wanted to look at the drug closer so he took a few more scans than sent me back to my quarters.
I took a quick glance at the Captain, she was still lying on the biobed. I ran out of the room back to my quarters.
~~~~~~~~~
It was another three weeks before the Captain and I spoke again. Oh, don't get me wrong, we saw each other on the bridge most days, but had no real conversation. Then there she was, standing outside my door, asking if she could talk to me.
I let her in, and in her normal, direct style, she went right to the point. I don’t think the words she said sank in until much later, nor the words I said to her. She was pregnant, she said. Apparently she knew the day it happened, but needed time before telling me. It seems she was injected with some drug too, one that practically guaranteed conception. The drug was pushing the pregnancy along, but the doctor was able to slow the growth to normal rates with in a few hours. The fetus was six weeks along, although it had been only three weeks since it happened.
I felt like a monster when I spoke next. I told her I didn't want it
that she should take care of the problem. And I swear I saw tears in her
eyes as she said, "of course, Ensign. I just wanted to inform you before
I did".
I thought, why tell me? At the time it made no sense, but it does now. I think now that she wanted it and was planning on keeping it. Well, I may never know. It made me wonder why I said what I did, why was I so against this baby? Termination was never something I would have considered in the past, but for some reason the thought of this child made me… what? I couldn't even identify this feeling. I think it was more the thought of who the mother of the child was, how it was conceived. If I were going to become a father, it wouldn't be like that.
Funny thing is, a couple days later a wormhole showed up on sensors. We were lucky, it was big enough for Voyager to fly through and it headed straight to the Alpha Quadrant. The Captain wasted no time taking advantage of our luck and the trip through the wormhole was uneventful. Two days later we were home.
We spent the next couple of weeks going through debriefings then that was it, we all went our separate ways. And after visiting with my family for a month I hopped on the first deep space vessel I could find. I didn't want to look back on that time in the Delta Quadrant. I started off on Voyager as a green ensign but I turned into a monster. At least that's how I saw myself.
~~~~~~~~~
So here I am, four years later, still feeling sorry for myself. I don't have peace - I never found that again. All I can remember of that time is that I ordered a human child, 'my child' to be murdered, that’s how I see it, and I don't think anyone can change my mind.
I talked for a while with my friend Jason, one of the few people who will actually talk to me one on one. It seems I have quite a reputation as a man who is better off being left alone. I didn't tell Jason about it, yet he had an idea.
"Whoever you did this to, whatever it was, you need to find them and talk to them. You need peace, brother, or one day you are going to kill yourself if you keep going on like you are."
I knew he was right, I was once a happy man with a bright future, and now all I could see was darkness. Guilt is my constant companion. So as soon as I set foot on Earth again, I found out where my former Captain lived and headed out to exorcise my demons.
~~~~~~~~~
I have to say I was quite surprised when Chakotay answered the door. He looked equally surprised to see me, yet he extended his hand and shook mine, like you would an old friend.
"It's been a long time, Harry," he said with a smile.
"Yes Sir, it has," I replied.
"Kathryn," he yelled behind him, "we have company."
She came right to the door. "Harry, I'm surprised to see you."
I noticed her condition immediately and it tugged at my heart more. She was definitely pregnant, I would guess around six months along. "I guess I'm here because there are a few things I need to say to you Captain. This has haunted me long enough."
" Harry, its just 'Kathryn' now. Come on in," she said, holding the
door open for me.
I watched them as they walked down the hall; the way the glanced at
each other almost made them look guilty which struck me as strange. But
I didn't give them a chance to explain. I stopped right inside the door
and spoke.
"Captain, please, I'm just here to say my piece. What I did on Arthenix, what I asked you to do afterwards was unforgivable. I can only hope that one day you will forgive me," I said as I looked down at the floor
"Oh Harry, I wish you had said something - I had no idea you still felt guilty over this. I should have said something too. We've both been hiding, and it's time that stopped. I did something unforgivable too, but for me I had no choice. Come inside, Harry, you have someone to meet."
Her statement confused me, but I followed them as they walked toward what I assumed was the living room. And I couldn't believe what I saw. Two little girls danced to music, oblivious to the adults. One turned, and it was obvious that it was; Miral Paris. She was almost an exact copy of her mother, except for the fact that her hair was a bit lighter.
The other girl got up and followed Miral up to me. She smiled as she approached, and I could feel my heart in my throat. There was no doubt who the child was, she looked like her mother but definitely had Asian features. Her eyes were the same shape as mine, yet a striking blue. Her hair was straight and jet black. She was simply beautiful.
"Hi," she said in a petite voice.
"Harry, this is my daughter Sarah. And I think you recognize who this is," Kathryn said.
"Miral, my god has she grown," was my response. " I thought, I mean..."
"Sarah, Miral, why don't you go to the playroom for a while," she said then watched them run off. As soon as they were gone she spoke, "I know what you thought, but I had no plans for a termination. I'm sorry, I should have said something, but what with the wormhole and getting home..."
"I... I understand... really. God, she's beautiful."
"Harry, what I did was unforgivable.... But please understand.... I didn't have a choice. I couldn't bear the thought of termination, and getting home provided the perfect opportunity for me. Chakotay was an unexpected surprise, not really but I guess I didn’t expect him to want to jump right into the father role. I'm glad he did, he's a wonderful daddy," she said, looking over at Chakotay.
"No, Kathryn, don't apologize. Seeing her, well, it makes this all okay. You have to understand, I've been haunted by what I asked you to do. I regretted it the moment I said it, but couldn't bring myself to take it back." Harry paused for a moment, "I'm so glad you didn't listen to me, I was a monster for even suggesting it."
"No Harry, you were human, and you were scared. What happened in that cell was ... disturbing enough, let alone the information I brought you a short time later. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared too, but I also had Chakotay. He understood what happened and stood by me the entire time. He has been a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband, I truly am lucky," said Kathryn, reaching for Chakotay's hand.
We were interrupted by a knock at the door, Chakotay went to let the company in, to find it was Tom and BE'lanna. "Hey, so how was my little monster?" Tom asked with a laugh.
"Always perfect," said Kathryn. "Hey you two, look who came to visit."
I was surprised to see my two long lost friends, and hugged them both. "It's been a long time," I said.
"Too long Harry," said Tom. "So did you meet her?"
I nodded and as if they knew they were being spoken about, Sarah and Miral came bounding out of the playroom. Miral leapt into her dad's arms and Sarah stood smiling.
"Did you two have fun?" asked B'Elanna.
"Yep, we played and played," said Miral.
"Yeah and then Harry came to see us," said Sarah moving over to me. She obviously wasn't feeling very shy any more as she took my hand. "He hasn't come to see my play room yet."
I turn to see Chakotay nod, and as I follow the little girl I feel an overwhelming peace come over me. I should have known that it would have worked out, all for the better.
The guilt I was plagued with was all self placed, with no reason for it. Maybe now I can move on with my life, somewhere out there is a woman for me and probably a little Sarah waiting for me too; this Sarah has a father, a wonderful man who stepped in and took over where I wasn't capable.
This Sarah now will have a chance to get to know her Uncle Harry, a man who will no longer be angry. She will hopefully get to know the man I once was, maybe I will even teach her how to play the clarinet, give her something of me that I will only be too happy to share.
I let guilt lead me for so long that I thought it was all I would ever know. I used a woman, whom a care a great deal about. But I don’t think I need to dwell on that anymore.
I see before me happiness and I hope that I can find some of that, maybe this family can help me find it. Either way, guilt doesn't belong here anymore. I'll learn from Kathryn Janeway once again that even out of the worst situations, a happiness can be found.