Innocence Lost
By Sheri
Rated R
Authors note: Although there isn't much in the way of a graphical description
in this story, I still gave it an R rating due to its subject content.
The story is based on rape, or rather the recovery and aftermath of a rape,
so you've been warned.
The doctor came up behind her, putting his hand on her shoulder, "Captain, would you like to talk about this in my office?"
Kathryn silently nodded and followed him down the darkened hall. As soon as they reached the sanctity of his office he began, "Understand, Captain, no one will know. It will go through as an anonymous donation; I will make sure of it. But without you, Miral stands very little chance of survival."
Kathryn gulped and sat in the chair. "How could I say no? You are sure I'm a match?" she asked.
The doctor sighed; he had his doubts considering the risk she was taking stepping out to help the little girl. But he would do his best to make sure this was her anonymity remained intact. "Yes, Captain, since you've told me about your background with Mr. Paris, I checked. You are indeed a match."
Miral Paris had begun showing signs of the cancer just a short time after Voyager returned from the Delta Quadrant. Doctors had been attempting to work miracles, using all the modern day treatments possible to save her. In the end it was proved it would have to be a bone marrow transplant; sometimes the old treatments worked best.
"Then of course, Doctor, let's do it," she said.
He led her from the office to another room. "The extraction will be painless, Captain. Just lie still and let me do my work and it will be over before you know it."
She nodded and lie down, closing her eyes letting her mind drift off.
=^==^==^=
She was eleven again, walking home in the rain after the failed tennis match. Young Kathryn Janeway had always been told to strive for the best, and when she failed she tended to punish herself.
The transporters were available to her yet she couldn't bring herself to step onto that padd and be whisked back home. Instead she made the long journey home on foot, the old fashioned way that many kids had to endure many years ago.
She had made it to the woods, her home less than a mile away. She never felt fear when trekking through the darkened woods, and despite the strong rainstorm that slowed her down, she didn't feel fear now. She could see the clearing just ahead and moved faster, knowing she was that much closer to home.
It happened so fast, she wasn't even sure what was happening until she was on the ground. The strong arm that grabbed her and forced her to the ground, the other hand that tore at her clothing, the deep voice that told her to be quiet or she wouldn't live to see her mom or dad.
Her loud cries turned into whimpers and she simply endured what he was doing, her mind drifting off to a safe place hoping to spare her some of the horror of what was happening to her.
She wasn't sure how long she lay there, her eyes remained closed as she listened carefully for any sound that would tell her whether he was still around. When she was sure he was gone, she stood up, wincing at the pain. She saw the blood dripping from between her legs and began to panic but did her best to remain calm. Daddy had always taught her to act calm.
She righted her coat, making sure there were no tears. Seeing that it was muddy but otherwise intact she wrapped it around herself tightly, making sure it hid the tears in her clothing. She then slowly made her way back home. When she entered the house her mom came rushing to her, "Honey, I was so worried!"
"Sorry, mom, I just ... I just felt like walking," she said looking at the floor.
"What happened honey?" her mom said frantically reaching for her daughter.
Kathryn just backed away, taking a deep breath she said "I just fell mom, I'm okay. Sorry, I just want to take a shower, I'm cold," she lied. She couldn't bear to tell her mom what had happened; she would be so disappointed in her. If her mom knew that she let something like this happen, she was sure she would get the speech, 'Now you know this wouldn't have happened if you just transported home like you were supposed to.'
Her young mind only saw the trouble she would be in, despite the fact that her parents were kind and loving people. Seeing that her mom accepted the excuse for now she made her way up the stairs, slowly and got in the shower; trying to scrub off any trace of what that man had did to her.
It was stepping out of the shower, finally clean and warm that did it. She had managed to get dressed and replicated a padd to put in her underwear to catch any more blood that may come. That's when it happened, reality hit her like a ton of bricks and she found her self bent over the toilet throwing up. Her mom had heard her, and came running.
Kathryn had always hated being sick, but this was the perfect cover. She could get all the comfort she needed from her mom without her ever suspecting the truth. Her mom helped her clean up and guided her to her bed, telling her she should stay out of the rain like that, yet holding her close, reassuring her it would be okay.
Kathryn cried, and held her mom close, saying she hated throwing up and that she wouldn't be able to go to school and that she would miss a test; anything to throw her mom off track.
=^=
It had worked and no one suspected a thing. Kathryn did her best to go on with life, returning to school after only a couple days, and she did her best to blend right back in. It was three months later when the damn broke, and her family discovered the shame of what had happened.
She was leaving school, heading right for the nearest transport center. It was raining, much like the day of the attack, and when she arrived at the transport she was informed that all transporters were down temporarily.
Kathryn panicked and ran back to the school, she called her mom and asked if she would come and pick her up. Unfortunately her little sister Phoebe was now sick, and she said Kathryn would have to find another way home.
Kathryn wouldn't do it, so she called her dad, and begged him. He of course was busy with work, "I'm sorry, honey, I have to work late tonight. Get yourself a raincoat and hightail it home. You'll be there before you know it," he said reassuringly. His signal was cut off leaving Kathryn standing in the school, panic rising faster than she could deal with it.
Her teacher approached, telling her the school was closing and she would have to leave and that’s when it happened; her wail pierced the teachers ears. Kathryn sank to the floor, screaming and hyperventilating; cringing at any contact they attempted to make. She finally calmed down, exhaustion taking over and her teacher took that as the sign that she could approach her. She helped Kathryn stand and lead her out of the school telling her she would drive her home, maybe her parents would understand where this sudden outburst came from.
Kathryn had calmed down by time she reached home, silently sitting in the hover car, now completely embarrassed. Her teacher brought her to her house, following her in when she opened the door.
She was sent to her room while her mom had a private talk with her teacher and learned of her daughter's terrified outburst. She heard her leave and heard her mom come upstairs and knew, this time she wouldn't be able to lie.
Her mom cried as she told her what happened, holding her daughter close. Kathryn cried too, clinging to her mother like she was her lifeline, hoping to take away the pain she had hid for so long.
Her Dad came home a short time later and her mom told him what Kathryn had said. Kathryn hung her head in shame, sure of what he would say to her, and was surprised when he picked her up in his strong arms and held her close, "I wish you had told us when it happened, Golden Bird. Don't you know we are always here for you?"
Through her sniffles she choked out, "I thought you would be mad. I knew if I was going to walk home I should tell you."
"Oh, honey," he cried, holding her closer. "Never, I would never be mad at you for something like this. But I think we should go see the doctor. I would feel better knowing you were okay."
"No, daddy, I don't want anyone else to know. Please," Kathryn pleaded.
"Kathryn, he won't tell anyone else," said her Dad, still trying to reassure her.
Kathryn finally nodded in response and allowed herself to sink back into his embrace; she didn't even notice that she was falling asleep. She awoke in the doctor's office, noticing the grim expressions on her parents' faces. "Am I okay?"
"Yes, Kathryn, you're fine. We'll take you home and talk to you there," explained her mom.
The Doctor turned to them, "I'm sorry, you know that. If it had been..." he began.
"We understand, and although it's not what we want for her, we do agree," said her Dad woefully.
"What?" cried Kathryn.
"Kathryn, I said we would talk about this when we got home," said her Dad sternly. At the sight of the tears brimming in her eyes his tone once again softened, "Please, Golden Bird, when we get home."
Kathryn complied, knowing any more arguing wouldn't do any good. Her parents would explain everything, and she was sure it would all be okay.
=^=
Could her young mind really comprehend this? At age eleven her parents knew Kathryn was smarter than the average child, having a grasp on some things that other children didn't even let cross their minds.
Now as she sat in front of them, looking too small to grasp all that she had been told, yet she asked the questions, like an adult might. "A baby? I'm going to have a baby?"
"Yes, Kathryn, if we had known about this earlier the Doctor may have been able to..." he Dad began.
"Dad, I wouldn't want that. That’s... that’s just disgusting -- killing a baby," Kathryn cried.
"Honey, it wouldn't have been like that," Admiral Janeway tried to explain. He gave up quickly, knowing a child wouldn't understand the complexities going along with termination. After all, that wasn't an option for his little Bird, she was too far along for the Doctors to consider it any way. His little Bird would have to go through with the pregnancy if her body would allow it, and then.... who knows what would happen?
"Let's not even discuss that since it's not an option anyway. We will do our best to make this as easy as possible for you. I think you know that. We have decisions to make, things to figure out," said her mom.
"I'm going to get fat, aren't I?" said Kathryn. "I can't go to school like that. What will I do? What will my friends think? Mom, I don't..."
"Kathryn, I will home school you until this is over. And you will gain weight with the baby, but it will come off..." Gretchen sighed just as Edward did. This wasn't what parents expected to discuss with their eleven-year-old daughter. Maybe there would be a doctor who would do the termination, one who would understand that to put a child through this would be wrong. For the first time the couple began to regret living life as traditionalists; it seemed that their beliefs were hard to accept in a situation like this.
"Edward, let's let Kathryn get some sleep; we can talk about this later," pleaded Gretchen.
Edward nodded, kissed his daughter on the forehead and left the room, more troubled than he had ever been.
=^=
They didn't terminate the pregnancy; Kathryn eventually convinced them that she couldn't bear to do that. She struggled through the pregnancy, adjusting to being cut off from her friends until it was over. Her friends simply accepted the fact that Kathryn Janeway had become very sick and couldn't be seen. They sent get-well messages to her often.
She made it to the seventh month before her body decided enough was enough and she went into premature labor. They rushed her to the hospital and a fetal transport took place as soon as she was prepped. The doctors didn't want Kathryn to have a vaginal delivery, knowing the damage that could take place with her small frame.
For Kathryn it was over before she knew it, the baby now crying in the small bassinet, and then being whisked away before she had a good chance to see him. "Will I get to see him before he goes to his family, mom?"
"Honey, you will be able to see him plenty. Admiral Paris has promised lots of pictures and you know you can visit him when it's convenient," said Gretchen.
"I just wish..." she began.
"I know, honey, but you are far too young to even think about being a mother to him."
"I know," she whispered. "Mom, can you ask Admiral Paris... "
"What?" her mom said softly stroking her daughter's cheek.
"I like the name Thomas. Would you ask him if he would name him Thomas?" she asked.
"That's a beautiful name. Yes, I will ask him," she said pulling her into her arms. She hoped her daughter's ordeal would be over now, and she could put it all into the past.
=^==^==^=
"Captain, I'm finished here," came the doctor's voice. "I believe I have all that I need for Miral, and need to prepare her for the donation. I will let you know everything, okay?"
"Thank you, Doctor," stated Kathryn wearily.
She got up and left the office, making a detour to take another peek at the worried family. Her eyes stayed on Tom, so handsome, such a good husband and father. Despite his lack of knowledge about his conception, she liked to think she had something to do with shaping the man he became.
There was a big part of her that wanted to take him in her arms, tell him everything would be okay, but she couldn't. Instead she would go home alone and silently pray that all Miral needed to be cured was in the vial that came from her.
=^=
She walked into her dark apartment, not bothering with the lights. She could see her computer terminal flashing with messages and decided to see who had called. The first was from her mother, making sure she was all right. She smiled inwardly and made a note to call her first thing in the morning.
The second was from Chakotay, still her closest friend and she could tell he wanted so much more. He was back from his month long trip to Dorvan and had just heard about Miral, concern was in his voice as he said he hadn't been able to contact of B'Elanna or Tom and asked her to call him no matter what time it was.
She couldn't leave him fretting all night, so she put the call through right away and he answered, "Kathryn, it's great to see you."
"Same here, Chakotay. How was your trip?" she asked.
"We'll talk about that later. Miral...?"
"Miral is holding her own right now. The doctors are sure they will find a donor. It may be a twentieth century cure, but with modern technology it's a lot easier to find a match," she said, not letting on that a donor had already been found.
"I hope so. I will go see them first thing in the morning. Are you okay, Kathryn?" he asked.
"I'm fine, Chakotay, just tired," she lied.
He didn't look as if he accepted it yet nodded to her. "I want to see you," the tenderness in his voice nearly melted her.
"Me, too. Soon, okay?" she said, holding back the tears.
"Okay, I'll let you get some sleep. Take care, Kathryn," he said before signing off.
As soon as the screen went blank she let the tears fall. If only she could go to him, tell him how she felt.
She had always gone into serious relationships with honesty, and ended up telling the truth to two people who meant everything to her , or at least part of the truth. Of course she never let them know about the baby surviving; she didn't want to disturb young Tommy's childhood, and although she trusted Mark and Justin with her life, she never took the chance.
Her two lovers had both been understanding in the knowledge and although they didn't agree with the idea of her going through the pregnancy, they still were sympathetic with her when she told them about the baby's supposed death due to it's premature birth. But to tell Chakotay, she knew she would have to tell him everything; with him she couldn't lie about the baby surviving and who the baby was; just what would he think?
=^=
Kathryn had come so far from that moment she let her baby go in that hospital, thrilled with the knowledge that Admiral Paris had taken the name she wanted and named the little boy Thomas Eugene. She did indeed succeed rising quickly through the ranks, and being handed the important task of tracking down the dangerous Maquis Captain Chakotay. She had turned to Starfleet Command knowing Tom could lead them to his former comrades. She made the deal with them that if Tom would accept, then Tom would be supported for early release at his next parole hearing.
Admiral Paris kept a close eye on young Janeway as she grew, making sure she had the best counselors and helping Kathryn throughout her schooling. He sponsored her in the academy and pushed her along, making sure she made all the right choices even when they were difficult. When Kathryn was discouraged he found a way to encourage her.
And as for young Thomas, she was able to watch him grow up from a distance and listened to the Admiral's tales of young Tommy's adventures. She grew detached, pushing that part of her past deep into the recesses of her mind, and eventually she no longer related to him as her son.
Of course, Admiral Paris didn't like Tom going with Kathryn on Voyager. He was concerned that Kathryn would find it hard to have to deal with Tom, making any possible discipline difficult. Kathryn was able to convince him that it wouldn't happen, she was a Captain and could deal with any situation that came up.
He reluctantly agreed, and Kathryn silently cheered. She wasn't happy with the choices Tom had made in recent years and hoped that this would be enough to steer him back to a better path. Yes, she had done her best to forget that she had a part in his creation, but if she could help him, she would.
Then the fates stepped in and flung her tiny ship into the Delta Quadrant leaving her in close contact with her son for a long time.
She had never been more proud of anyone than she had of Tom, watching him over the years go from a misfit when he joined her crew to being one of her most trusted crewmembers. She knew, in the beginning that she was harder on him than most and had to laugh when she heard the few whispers of the crew saying that they thought Janeway was just trying to hide her true feelings for him; they assumed she was in love with him.
What she felt was more like pride in what he was achieving. He had sunk to an all time low only to turn himself completely around. When she had to punish him for his involvement on the Monean water world, although she was disappointed at his disobeying a direct order, she was also proud to see him stand up for something he believed so strongly in.
So many times she wanted to tell him, to bring the truth of her past out in the open but her fear of how the crew would react to Tom always held her back.
It was during her time on New Earth that she came close to telling Chakotay how much she loved him. He told his angry warrior legend and brought tears to her eyes. She wondered what he would do if he she told him everything, spilled her soul. But she backed off then, and every chance she had after that.
Even when they returned home, she skirted around the subject of her feelings, giving him one excuse after another. The last time he walked away looking defeated, but here he was calling her again with the same tenderness in his voice. Maybe she could tell him and maybe it could be just like it was with Mark, with him believing the baby did not survive. No, she couldn't do that, it wouldn't be fair to Chakotay to begin a relationship with a half truth.
Maybe, just maybe, she could let him in, and once again push her past back where it belonged, in the past.
=^==^=
True to his word, a few days later the Doctor called her and let her know Miral would be just fine. A few more days in the hospital and she would be as good as new; well almost, but in time her life would be back to normal.
Kathryn went to the hospital as soon as she was free to pay the little one a visit. She found Tom pacing the room looking a little irritated, "I don't understand why." he said to the Doctor.
"Because, Mr. Paris, anonymous donor means just that -- anonymous," the Doctor explained.
Kathryn sighed, realizing she didn't pick the right time to come. Chakotay was there with the happy parents. "Captain, I'm glad you could come. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. I just want to thank whoever it was that saved my daughter's life, I don't want to..."
"I know, Tom, and I'm sure they understand the gift they gave, but the Doctor is right. If the donor wants to remain anonymous, then you have to respect that," said Kathryn.
He sighed and moved back to the crib where his wife was standing vigil. "Tom, she's right. Leave it for now," said B'Elanna.
Kathryn moved to stand next to B'Elanna and gazed into the crib of the sleeping baby, "She's so beautiful, B'Elanna. I'm glad to hear she's going to be okay." She reached in to caress the soft cheek and smiled. She did gloat to herself a little knowing that because of her this little girl would grow to be a beautiful woman, but she kept it to herself.
Chakotay moved to stand next to her, gently placing his hand on her back, "Captain, they won't let anyone but family remain. Would you like to have dinner with me?"
She turned to him and smiled, "Sure, Chakotay, dinner would be great."
She didn't want to leave the little girl's side yet but knew the doctor had work to do, so she followed Chakotay out to the hall and out of the building. "He's determined to find out who donated the marrow. He's gone on about it all day."
"I can understand that, but he needs to leave it alone. They may not want to be found," said Kathryn warily.
"I don't know. I think the doctors like to keep the glory for themselves. To tell the truth, I hope Tom does find out who did it. I would think they would like to know. He feels guilty that he wasn't compatible, and so does B'Elanna. Her being half Klingon I would have thought she would be the only one, but it was a human cancer, not a Klingon one. The fact that they found someone after ruling out all of Tom's family..." started Chakotay.
"Astronomical odds, I guess you could say. She's a lucky little girl."
"Yes, she is. So, where do you want to eat? My place is close by, I could whip up something..." offered Chakotay.
"No, let's just go to a restaurant and let them do the cooking," she replied.
He looked disappointed yet followed her, a thought running through his head that maybe he should just finally give up on her.
=^=
She didn't realize just how determined Tom was in finding out the identity of his daughter's donor. When Tom was at the hospital, he took precious time that could have been spent with Miral and used it to search the hospital computers. He was getting nowhere and turned to a friend he had that was an expert on getting through tough systems, "Seven, there is nothing illegal about this. All I want to know is who it is, please."
"Lieutenant, I think you know it is illegal. I do not understand your obsession on this matter. If your child is well, it would seem that is all you need to know," stated Seven.
"Seven, maybe you can't understand it, but for B'Elanna and me... it just feels as if... if we walked away, that it's..." he tried to explain.
Seven cocked her eyebrow and stepped over to the computer terminal. Tom was correct, this wasn't that difficult to find out. "Interesting, I have the information on the donor's DNA, but the name has been permanently deleted."
"Can you find out who it is?" he asked.
"It would take some time."
"Download the information to a padd, I can find out later at home," he said.
She did as ordered, still not completely understanding why he wanted this information so badly. Yet, despite everything, she felt the Parises were her friends, and enjoyed the fact she could help them.
Tom happily took the padd home along with his little girl. He was positive it wouldn't take long before he discovered who this strand of DNA belonged to, then and only then would he decide if he would try to meet them. At the moment, knowing who it was would be enough to satisfy him. He would decide the rest later.
=^=
Tom hit the console cursing once again, "I thought this would be easy. It's almost like there is something out there blocking me."
"Well, have you compared that DNA to Miral and yours? For that person to be compatible there had to be similarities, maybe those similarities will help narrow the search."
"That’s a great idea, B'Elanna, if I can find out what the similarities are, I can ask the computer to only bring up those people who have the same sequences on their DNA," he said excitedly.
He instructed the computer to do the comparison and waited for the results, it beeped with its answer only moments later. Tom stared at the three strands before him in awe, "I don't believe what I see."
B'Elanna moved closer, "What is it?"
"This is not possible, the mysterious donor is not my mom or my dad, yet ... it might as well be. The only explanation for this many similarities is for it to be a parent or a sibling," he said.
"It's not your sister? Right?" asked B'Elanna.
"No, I checked them too. I checked every member of my family down to the most distant cousins; it wasn't any of them," he said.
"Well, how does your family compare to you and Miral?" asked B'Elanna.
"What?" asked Tom.
"Doesn't it seem logical to want to see how close they compare to you? A complete stranger could somehow be related to you. See how close your Dad's DNA compares to yours, then compare those results to those you did with our mystery donor," explained B'Elanna.
"Sure, why not," said Tom, as he punched the sequence into the computer. He was startled to get the response he did. "This can't be right. Computer, recheck those results!" he said.
"Tom, what is it?" asked B'Elanna.
"According to this, my dad isn't even related to me." He punched a few more numbers, waited for the results and yelled, "Neither is my mom or my sisters!"
"You were adopted? Did you have any idea?" she asked astonished.
"No! Listen, I have to go talk to my dad. I want answers now," he stated, heading for the door. B'Elanna tried to stop him but realized it was probably futile and let him go. He had just had one hell of a blow and he deserved hearing the truth from his dad.
B'Elanna paced the floor, uncertain what she should do and decided to call Chakotay. Her old friend had always been there in her time of need, and she was sure he would come now.
She was right, he showed up only a short time later. After assuring him that Miral was fine and sound asleep, she explained all that Tom had discovered, noticing his shocked expression. "And he thinks Admiral Paris will tell him everything?"
"Yeah, I guess so," she said. Suddenly Miral let out a cry, the diversion the two of them needed as they awaited Tom's return.
It was nearly two hours later before he came back, looking quite defeated. "Well, he didn't really say anything. Told me I should have left it alone," said Tom.
"What did he have to say about you?"
"He confirmed that he and mom adopted me but that's it. Come on, B'Elanna. He knows who my real mother is; that's a fact. I think it was my real mother who donated the marrow to Miral, and if that's true, dad knows her well enough to be still in contact with her. Damn, I may have known this woman all my life, and..."
"Tom, I know you're upset now, but consider this carefully. You could upset a lot more by continuing this search. Your dad loved you enough to want you, raise you, take good care of you. The woman probably did not want to be identified and probably knew that Miral would be okay, she has the right to remain anonymous," stated Chakotay.
"I have to know, Chakotay. I can't just let this rest," said Tom reaching for his daughter. "Miral deserves to know this too."
=^=
Kathryn paced back and forth in front of the computer screen, "Kathryn, sit down. You're making me dizzy," said Gretchen Janeway.
"Mom, what do I do?" cried Kathryn, finally settling in the chair.
"Kathryn, just like Owen said, it's up to you. He will not tell Tom any more than he already has, but he may find out anyway," said Gretchen. "Are you ready for that?"
"I don't know. I came so close so many times but always backed down," said Kathryn. "I don't know."
"It will be hard, but I think you are assuming everyone will hate you when they find out, but, Honey, you are so wrong. You were a little girl, a scared frightened little girl who had to deal with too much before her time. You did it so well, and you made your dad and me very proud. And I know you will handle this just fine, too," said Gretchen, trying to be reassuring.
Kathryn sighed, resting her chin on her hands, "I know, Mom, but facing it is so much harder. I've been able to lead a normal life because everyone covered for me," said Kathryn.
"They did not cover for you, Kathryn, they helped you, and you helped them. You know the Parises were thrilled to get a baby boy, and they were great parents to him. I'm not sure where you would stand in that picture, if anywhere, but maybe it's time you found out."
Kathryn sighed, "I need to think, Mom. Okay?"
"Sure, Honey, just call me if you need me," said Gretchen as she signed off.
=^=
In the end the decision came instinctively, something deep down in her heart she wanted to do for so many years. She found herself standing in front of the Parises' household, nervous as hell, but determined not to back down. Tom answered the door and happily let her in, "What can I do for you, Captain?"
"I need to talk with you, Tom," she stated.
He directed her over to the couch and motioned her to sit. "Sure, Captain, I take it you talked to my dad about the fact that I'm adopted?"
"Yes, Tom, I did," she answered, noticing her heart beating a little faster, her breathing getting a bit more labored.
Chakotay noticed her obvious distress and moved a bit closer to her. "Are you okay, Kathryn?"
She took a deep breath; "yes, I'm fine."
All three made themselves comfortable around her, "What is it?"
"It's about ... your biological mother Tom," she started.
"You know who she is?" said Tom startled.
"Yes, I do. She was young, very young when you were born." She paused for a moment, then looking Tom in the eye she asked, "Are you sure you want to hear this? You may not like it."
"I do. Go on," he said. He got up quickly and got her a cup of coffee then sat attentively in front of her.
"She was eleven years old, on her way home in the rain. She was supposed to take the transport home but was upset and felt that... walking home would be more of a punishment." She took a sip of the coffee, and then continued. "She had made it to the woods and began her way through when a man grabbed her and... there was only one man, but ... he..." the tears were stinging her eyes as she noticed the shocked looks of her friends' faces. "He raped her and left her there, alone and afraid. She was only eleven; she may have been smart, but she never imagined having to deal with anything like that."
"Oh, god," said Chakotay. He moved in closer to her and placed his hand on her knee, trying to offer her some support.
She had been doing her best to keep herself an outsider to the conversation and wasn't even aware of her slip, "I didn't tell anyone; I couldn't. I pretended to be sick, which wasn't all that hard considering. But it came out a few months later, when I panicked in front of a teacher. The idea of having to walk home terrified me, but the transporters were down, I didn't have a choice." She shook her head at the thought. "I guess I would have had to tell my parents eventually. They took me to the doctor that day and that’s when we found out I was pregnant."
She looked up at Tom; "You're my mother? I can't... I can't believe this."
"I'm so sorry," she said, the tears now cascading down her face. "I ...I... did what I thought I was right. Admiral Paris and his wife were more than willing to raise you. I could never have been a good mother to you; I was too young."
Tom got down on his knees in front of her taking her small hands in his, "I'm not upset, just a little shocked. I'm sure all of this will sink in later."
"There was a part of me that wanted to try, but my parents were right, I couldn't." She took a deep breath then looked up at him, " I... I did name you though. Right after you were born, I asked my mom to ask your dad if he would name you Thomas. I was so thrilled when he did, like it was something for you to have from me."
Tom smiled and stood up, pulling Kathryn into his arms, "I don't need to hear anymore, at least not right now. Let's work this out as we go along."
Kathryn nodded, tightening her grip on him. "Thank you."
=^=
Kathryn walked slowly home, Chakotay walking in silence next to her. He wasn't sure what to say to her. What does one say when they hear something like this? He wanted her to know that her past would not change how he felt about her.
They finally arrived at her door; Kathryn turned to him. "Thanks for walking me home."
"No problem, Kathryn," he said.
"It's late. I think I could really stand a good night's sleep," she said trying to get him to go. He hadn't said much to her about the day's events; she was afraid to hear what he might have to say.
"Okay," he said taking the hint and stepping off the porch. Before he walked away he turned to face her, "It doesn't matter to me, you know."
"What doesn't?" she said, keeping her hopes at bay.
"Your past, it doesn't change how I feel about you." Unexpectedly, he chuckled, "although I have to admit, this does change the plans I had in mind..."
She faintly smiled, "What?"
He looked embarrassed yet continued, "It's no secret how I feel about you, and if anything, hearing about your past makes me love you even more. That you could be so strong...continue with life making the most of it. I've always had the dreams of... someday making you my ...my wife. I just realized that if that happened I would be Tom's step dad. That was definitely never part of my plans."
Kathryn tried to hold it back but couldn't, she let out a laugh, "You're jumping the gun a bit you know."
"I know, I said it was just...oh never mind, it was just a funny thought," he said.
"Besides, I may have carried Tom, created him, but I'm not his mother," she said.
"You are wrong there, Kathryn, you may not have raised him, but you did indeed care for him and you showed nothing but love for that man in the seven years we were in the Delta Quadrant. I had a feeling before that you kept a close eye on him, making sure he was okay. And now that we're home you stepped in when his daughter needed you, and did what a mother would do; protect her son from pain."
Kathryn felt the tears begin again, "I..."
"You made the right choice all those years ago, Kathryn, or at least your parents did. And now I think both you and Admiral Paris will continue to influence Tom's life. I believe you opened a door here, and if you'll allow it, I imagine that Tom will probably want to bring you in closer to his family. Have you thought about that?" he asked.
"I would be lying if I said no. I stood proud as a Captain and a mother when Tom married B'Elanna, knowing he chose a wonderful woman. And when I was told they were having a baby, oh, Chakotay, you can't imagine how I felt," she said.
"Hey, I do. The love I have for B'Elanna is like... the love of a brother. I can imagine the pride you feel is much the same," he said.
"Yes, I would think so. I wanted so badly to say something then, let them know the truth. I was so scared to go over there today, yet I feel so relieved now. My mom was right. I felt he would hate me, resent the way he came into this world. I didn't want Tom to know he was a product of rape, to have that legacy. My mom was right, it did all turn out okay," she said.
She finally opened the door to her house. The porch was not the place to continue. She let Chakotay follow her into the house, walking to the replicator she ordered herself some coffee and Chakotay some tea. They walked over to the couch. He sat right next to her, still showing that he didn't want to leave her side.
"Tom is a strong man, I don't think he will dwell on it. It may bother him, but I would think it would be more of what you had to go through rather than how he came into existence. It bothers me to know that you had to endure that. I would give anything to go back in time and find you and take it all away. But I can imagine if that happened you would be a much different person today."
"Yes, you're right, I probably would be. I couldn't see it then, but I know now that it made me ... stronger, yet I think it also made me colder. I've always chosen men that I could remain somewhat detached from. They would offer the love and comfort that I needed yet I could back away when I wanted to be alone."
Taking a sip of her coffee she continued, "Mark and Justin both knew about it, but as far as they knew the baby died during birth. Tom was born during my seventh month, he was lucky, such a fighter."
"I think the proper word would be stubborn," laughed Chakotay.
"Yes, you are right there," she laughed back.
"Gee, I wonder where he gets that from. I think I'm just realizing, and I find it funny that I never saw it before, that the two of you look alike, you're both stubborn, so much in common that..." he shook his head.
"I guess you're right. I don’t think I even noticed it before. You have to understand that even though I did watch him as he grew, I became detached from him. It wasn't until the Caretaker swept us into the Delta Quadrant that I once again faced the truth. I stepped forward and although I acted only as a Captain would, I have to admit a bit of the mother in me did come creeping out."
"I have to tell you, people did notice that. But... not knowing the truth they suspected it was more of a ... an infatuation with him," admitted Chakotay.
"As in that I was interested in..." she began to ask.
"Yes," he simply answered.
"Please, tell me, did you think that?"
"Honestly, yes, at first I did. I saw how you watched him, reacted to him. It makes sense now, but then it always seemed as if you bent the rules when it came to Tom. Not that I really minded. I was attracted to you; I will admit that. But for me it didn't come to a head until we were on New Earth."
"Well, I don't know what to say," she said.
"Please don't be offended. It wasn't meant to be mean," he explained.
"I know, and now I guess I can laugh at the idea. Admiral Paris has been a wonderful father to Tom, but when Tom began to stray Owen just seemed to give up. I was so detached him at that point that I never felt the need to intervene. But when I was given Voyager, and the orders to apprehend you, I knew Tom could help. And I also knew it would be a chance to help Tom without leading to anything else. It would be up to Tom, after his release from prison, to make something of himself," she said.
"And he did a great job of it, with your help," he said with a smile.
"Yes, he did. I'm so proud of him, but I do have to face the fact that I will never be his mother. It feels good to have the truth known, but I don't want to step in and try to take over here. I think what I would like best is to remain his friend, a good friend. I want to continue to watch him grow, and be a part of his family as a friend would."
"I can't speak for him, but I think that’s what he would want too. Kathryn, we got off the original subject, but I think our talk has helped me understand all of this much better, but I still want to ask. What about us? Can there ever be an us?"
"I think... I think I would like there to be an us. My feelings for
you may have been hidden for a long time, but they didn't change. I've
always loved you, Chakotay, and I think I always will. But I made a promise
to myself that before I ever became intimately involved with someone that
they would be told about my past. For others it was easy to say the baby
died, but with you, I wouldn't. I don't think I could lie to you; it wouldn't
be possible ."
"I can understand that, Kathryn, and I do agree with it. If you and
Tom want this to remain a secret I am fine with that. I just want to know..."
"I love you, Chakotay, I always have."
He leaned over, pulling her into his arms, "I love you too, Kathryn." He gently kissed her, their first kiss sending sparks shooting through them both.
She began melting into the kiss but then pulled away, "I'd like it to go slowly, Chakotay. I hope you can understand that."
He took a deep breath, "I do, Kathryn, that’s fine." He kissed her again, then said. "Maybe I should get going. Can we meet for breakfast tomorrow?"
"No," she said trying not to smile at the disappointed look crossing his face, "I promised my mom breakfast. Can we do lunch or dinner?"
"Yes and yes," he said, sneaking in another kiss.
"You are incorrigible. Dinner it is then, work will probably keep me tied up through lunch anyway, if not I just may surprise you," she said.
"I have always liked surprises," he said pulling her into his arms.
She placed a kiss lightly on his lips, "I think you really need to go now."
"Okay, okay, I get the hint," he kissed her once again and headed for the door, feeling more at peace than he ever had before.
=^=
It was another week before Kathryn saw Tom and B'Elanna again. Of course she had plenty of calls from them keeping her updated on how Miral was doing but it wasn't until a few days after they brought Miral home that she paid them a visit.
They had called her, inviting her over for dinner. She wasn't a bit surprised to find Chakotay was there too. Tom had surprised her and cooked them all a spectacular dinner, in celebration of Miral's recovery. They all enjoyed each other's company, although Kathryn had noticed a bit of awkwardness in the air.
Finally Tom approached her, "Look, I guess there is something we should get out of the way. B'Elanna and I, we've talked a lot this past week and I think I've gotten over the shock of this new information. Before I found out about where I came from I thought you were a pretty special person. You helped me put my life back together, guide me away from the wrong path."
"Tom, you did that," said Kathryn.
"I know, but you were a big help. Without your guidance... I... well, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to think of you, but I do know that I want you to be a part of our family. Whether it's as a close family friend, or maybe more, I'm not sure."
Kathryn smiled, "I'm sure, over time, we'll discover what role we'll become to each other. But for now, please call me Kathryn, and please let me be a friend, a good friend."
Tom once again pulled her into his arms, "Thanks, Kathryn, for everything."
=^==^==^=
Tom finally made it to the hospital after running all the way from his office. He jogged through the halls and to the nearest turbo lift. Catching his breath as the lift brought him quickly to the third floor.
He found B'Elanna sitting on a bench doing her best to keep Miral entertained, "No word yet, Tom, you can slow down."
He took a deep breath than sat down. "Daddy, up." Miral's voice demanded his attention.
"Hey, come here," said Tom lifting her upon her request. "So, have you been a good girl for mom while we waited?"
"No," his two-year-old daughter answered honestly.
"No? What have you been doing?" he asked with a smile.
"Running all over," she admitted.
He was about to retort when he saw Chakotay step out of the nearby room He approached the family with a smile, "Glad to see you made it, Tom, just in time."
"So..." he said.
"You have a sister. Kathryn and I have a beautiful, perfect baby girl," said Chakotay, dimples in full force. "You can see them in a few minutes," he said then turned to go back into the room.
A couple minutes later Chakotay opened the door and called to them, "The Doctor said you could come in for just a few minutes."
Tom walked and approached Kathryn, "Oh, she is so beautiful," he said staring at the bundle in her arms.
"Would you like to hold your sister, Tom?" she asked.
"Of course," he said handing Miral back to B'Elanna and taking the sleeping bundle.
So many things ran through his mind, just how much his life had changed in the past couple of years. Chakotay and Kathryn had married a year after her admission and found out just a week after the wedding that Kathryn was pregnant; both were completely thrilled at the news.
Although he did not call Kathryn by the title 'Mom', their relationship had become what only could be described as that of a mother and son. He felt it only natural to refer to the child growing in her belly as his brother or sister; besides he loved the smile it would bring to Kathryn face whenever he did it.
Little Sarah Janeway's eyes began to creep open, slowly, then fluttered shut. "You go ahead little one and sleep, your daddy and your brother will always be there to watch over you."
He kissed her forehead then handed her back to Kathryn, he leaned in close and whispered his congratulations. Chakotay leaned back against the wall next to B'Elanna, he was exhausted but didn't quite feel it yet. His emotions were running on over load and he wasn't sure it had hit him yet that he was a father. He watched the interaction between his wife and Tom; they had both come so far in the two years. He could honestly see the connection between the two.
Kathryn had held so much pain inside for so long, her innocence lost at such an early age. He knew it was all of them, Tom, B'Elanna and himself that helped guide her to where they were now; A family, albeit an odd one, but yet so tied together now that he couldn't or didn't want to see an end.
He watched Tom move over to his own wife, taking his squirming daughter from her arms as he leaned in to kiss her. Pride swelled up in him watching the young man with his family. There was a day when he couldn't stand Tom Paris, yet now he felt love; call it the love of a friend, brother or maybe even a bit of the love a father, either way Chakotay stood proud. Tom leaned toward his wife and kissed her gently on the lips, then moved to place a kiss on his hungry daughter's forehead, so innocent, so precious, he was a lucky man. Today was a day that would be forever burned into his memory.