Rated NC 17
I painted quite the picture of a very different Kathryn Janeway in this
A/U story. I know this is nothing like 'our' Janeway, and never intended
it to be similar. It's a bit dark, so you've been warned.
Cadet Janeway sat in Admiral Paris's office, twiddling her thumbs. She glanced at the photo on his desk, the Admiral's son Tom, and sneered inside. The little brat was only ten but already the light of his father's eyes; one could only hope to live up to the greatness little Tommy had already achieved.
She didn't like coming here but once again she had messed up in one of her classes and once again she was expecting a lecture; she would take the lecture over a failed grade any day. At least this man cared enough to watch how she was doing, for her dad did certainly didn't; Admiral Janeway was always too busy.
Kathryn realized her behavior could get her in trouble, but she did her best to keep her outside activities away from class. But last night she was out late with Justin, and of course got no sleep. She ended up being late to class, completely unaware of the test that was awaiting her. For the first time in a long time Kathryn failed a test.
All she had to do now was convince Admiral Paris to talk to her teacher, to convince him to allow her to retake it. She was smart, too smart for her own good sometimes, and knew this subject.
"Cadet Janeway," came the loud voice behind her.
She quickly stood up from the desk to face the old Admiral. "Sir, thank you for allowing me to see you, sir."
"Any time, Katie, have a seat please. So tell me, what's the problem?" he asked, trying to put his old friend's daughter at ease.
"Well, sir, I had a bit of a problem with a test, sir. I was caught a bit off guard and am hoping for the opportunity to retake it. Since you are my sponsor, it is you who has to approve it before I would be allowed to do so," she explained.
"I am well aware of the rules, Katie. So now are you going to tell me why you were unprepared for the test?" he asked.
"Sir, I wasn't aware that it was going to happen. I didn't have sufficient time to study," she lied.
"I may be old now, but I was young once, tell me the truth," he said sternly.
Katie bit her lip, if she said the truth, he would never let her retake, "I ran into an old friend last night. We went out for a bite to eat and lost track of time."
"An old friend? Are you sure it wasn't your friend Justin?" he asked.
Kathryn sighed, "yes, sir, it was Justin."
"Katie, this one test wont hurt your final scores that much. If you do extra credit, and keep up the GOOD work, you should be able to make this one blunder up quite nicely. Permission denied," he said.
"But, admiral…" she began.
"Dismissed, Cadet," he said, turning away.
Kathryn got up quickly and left, cursing the old Admiral under her breath. She made her way to the gardens where she was supposed to meet Justin. Justin Tighe had left her a message to meet her after her meeting, saying he had a surprise for her. Since it was Friday, and neither of them had any classes, god only knew what Justin could be planning.
Her relationship with Justin was an odd one, sending Katie Janeway on quite the wild ride. She would really call him more of a friend then a boyfriend; yes, the two of them had sex and quite often, but it was with the agreement that either could see other people if they wanted.
Sex with Justin had been an adventure, too; yes, she wasn't a virgin when she met him, but the things he taught her were things she had never imagined doing before.
He had introduced her to a few of his friends, whom she couldn't resist jumping into bed with on occasion. She found sex to be more of a fun thing to do, rather than something for love, and wanted to do it often. Sure, there were things she wasn't willing to do, and she hadn't yet tried more than one partner at a time, but that didn't mean she hadn't considered it. The only thing she wasn't interested in was being with a woman; she liked men, and only men.
She approached the gardens noticing right away that Justin was not alone; there was another man with him, about their same age and from a distance he looked quite delicious.
"Katie, it's about time!" yelled Justin.
"Sorry, I had to wait longer than I thought," she explained.
"Is he going to let you retake the test?" asked Justin.
"No, he isn't. So are you going to introduce me to your friend?" she asked, eyeing the darkly handsome young man standing in front of her. He was tall, dark hair, brown eyes and a golden skin that made Katie's mouth water.
"Sorry, Katie. This is Chakotay. Chakotay, this is Katie, or Kathryn; it really depends on her mood as to what you call her," laughed Justin.
Katie reached out her hand to shake the hand of her new friend, "As in if you’re a good friend, you can call me Katie, but most people call me Kathryn."
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Kathryn. I hope to become a good friend, but I think I'll prefer to call you Kathryn," said Chakotay.
"Chakotay, that's an unusual name. What is your last name?" she asked.
"My name is Indian, and my people don't have family names," said Chakotay flashing her his dimples.
"Okay, I hate to break this up, but we should get going. Katie, did you need anything from your dorm besides clothes?" asked Justin.
"I don't think so, why?" she asked curiously.
"Great, then let's get going," he said grabbing her hand.
"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" asked Kathryn.
"No," was all he said, leading her and Chakotay to the nearest transport station.
=^=
Three transports later, the trio walked up to the old large house, "It's been abandoned for years. Don't worry, no one will come. We have this place to ourselves until we have to go home on Sunday. I already have clothes for you Katie, so don't worry about that. A portable replicator is already there, left by many others who wanted to hang out just like us."
"Sounds interesting," said Chakotay.
"Very interesting," said Kathryn. "Just what are we supposed to do here?" she asked.
"What ever we want. The place is fun to explore, inside and out. We'll find plenty to do," said Justin leading them into the house.
Kathryn had a feeling just what Justin would want to do, and she briefly wondered if Chakotay was part of her surprise. She had once told Justin that she wanted to try a threesome, but was never really sure she would go through with it. Besides she always assumed he would want another girl to join them, most men would want that, and that was something that didn't appeal to her at all.
Once inside he gave them a brief tour, leaving both Kathryn and Chakotay in awe of the large house. It was left completely furnished with all the original furniture.
Chakotay began to wander by himself, almost studying the old place, so Justin stopped Kathryn just outside one of the old rooms. "He's busy, Katie, let's get busy ourselves."
"Justin…" Kathryn began in half protest, but was silenced by his mouth. He wasted no time, pulling off Kathryn's pants and underwear in one swift move. She reached for the fastener on his pants, undoing him and freeing his erection.
He hoisted her up onto the old dresser and positioned himself just outside her opening, waiting just a moment before plunging in. He began at a quick pace, letting Kathryn know this would be just a quickie, not that she really minded them, but she rarely got any enjoyment out of any of them. Just as she assumed it was only a few minutes later before Justin shuddered and spilled his seed, his flaccid member then slipping out of her.
Justin stepped back and allowed Kathryn to slip off the dresser, she reached for her pants and looked up to see Chakotay standing in the doorway. He stood there for only a second before walking away.
She quickly dressed and left the room; rarely did she and Justin have much to say after a session like this. Occasionally he was an attentive lover, but when he wanted a quickie he never thought twice about her. She found Chakotay sitting in a large room on the first floor, so she joined him, sitting in a chair that looked too comfortable for words.
"Sorry, he likes to have a quickie once in a while," said Kathryn. "I suppose that wasn't really fair to you."
"It doesn't bother me what the two of you do; I didn't come here for that, just to hang out with a couple friends," said Chakotay. "But I have to ask, why do you do it? You obviously got no enjoyment out of it."
Kathryn laughed, "For him, he needed it. My enjoyment doesn't matter. Besides, he makes sure I enjoy it once in a while."
"I may not be as experienced as Justin, but I was taught that a woman's pleasure comes first," said Chakotay.
"Boy, you're blunt. Well in a perfect world maybe, but here in the real world…" she let that thought trail off. "Not very experienced, are you a…"
He knew just what she was going to ask, "No, I'm not. Much like you, I had a sex partner for a while. My friend Sveta wanted to make sure I was fully informed of everything before she left the academy. She also said she wanted to be sure that I knew all I needed to know about a woman, the basics at least."
"How nice; sounds like a good friend. So did she teach you well?" Kathryn asked with a slight laugh.
"Well, to tell the truth, I haven't been with anyone but Sveta. But she certainly enjoyed herself," Chakotay boasted.
Kathryn mind began to wander briefly on just how much this Sveta did enjoy herself, but she stopped that thought right away. Chakotay made it clear that he wasn't here for sex, which was a disappointment to Kathryn but she wasn't giving up yet.
The rest of the day was uneventful for the three of them; they wandered the grounds, trying to imagine how they looked when they were well cared for. Justin had found an old game of croquet that gave them all a laugh as they attempted to play the ancient game in the over grown grass.
It was later in the evening when Justin made his 'need' known once again, this time while Chakotay was standing right there, "come on, Katie, just a quickie," he pleaded.
"Justin," Kathryn whispered, "that's not fair to Chakotay."
"Chakotay doesn't mind, and frankly if he wants he could join us," said Justin.
Chakotay was about to open his mouth to protest, he would never consider treating a woman like this. But then he wondered. He had to admit that he was strongly attracted to Kathryn, and maybe he could show her just what it 'should' be like. "It's up to you Kathryn," he stated, leaving the ball in her court.
Kathryn froze; she wanted to scream no she wasn't ready for a threesome, but at the same time all that Chakotay had told her was running through her mind. Just what did this man have to offer?
She suddenly felt shy admitting that she wanted to try this, instead she just reached for the two men's hands and guided them into the house. She decided on using the living room where she and Chakotay had been talking. It had the lushest rug she had ever seen, plus a fireplace.
Chakotay seemed to read her mind, moving over to fireplace and lighting it.
Justin, in the mean time, began to strip off his clothes, then turned to Kathryn. Chakotay felt awkward about stripping in front of the two of them, not so much Kathryn, but he didn't like the idea of being naked in front of another man. Seeing Kathryn nude changed his mind quickly and the clothes immediately came off.
Justin went into action, laying Kathryn down on the rug and began to climb on top of her, but Chakotay pushed him aside, "My turn first."
Justin groaned but Kathryn gestured for him to move up to her mouth. He shrugged; knowing that form of pleasure was just as good as the other. She quickly took his hard member into her mouth while Chakotay moved into position down below.
Chakotay latched onto her sensitive bundle of nerves with his mouth, pulling it gently between his teeth and quickly flicking his tongue over it. His fingers were busy dipping into her wet hole, finding the hardening nub inside and rubbing that with vigor.
Kathryn was soon bucking into his mouth, her orgasm beginning to rip through her. She had to pull Justin out of her mouth to keep from biting him as she was hit with wave after wave of pleasure, "Please, Chakotay, inside me," she begged, but got no response. Chakotay continued his assault, determined to send her over the edge just one more time.
Kathryn screamed her release for a second time, now only capable of slow strokes to Justin's aching member. He was practically crying for more, but Kathryn thought only of one thing, Chakotay's glorious tool standing at attention. She sat up on her elbows and reached for him, slowly stroking it in her hand then looked up at him with a gleam in her eye, "Now, Chakotay," she demanded.
He couldn't wait any longer, covering her with his body and placing his aching member at her entrance he slipped into her to the hilt and waited a moment for her to adjust to his size. Despite the fact that he had never been a vain man, he had easily noticed that he was much larger than Justin, and he didn't want to hurt Kathryn, he only wanted to give her as much pleasure as he could.
Kathryn had increased her pace on Justin, using her hands and mouth and quickly brought him to a climax. She then concentrated on Chakotay, who slowly sat up on his heels, bringing Kathryn up with him.
Once she was settled on his lap he wrapped his arms around her waist and helped her rock on his lap. Both of them knew their control wouldn't last long, so they increased their pace, both howling their release moments later.
Kathryn rested her head on Chakotay's shoulder, not quite wanting to move yet. Her head was still spinning, her lower half throbbing, with the after effects of the orgasm, and she suddenly realized that Chakotay was still embedded within her.
She lifted her head up and met Chakotay's eyes; he put her small face in his large hands and whispered, "Your body should be worshiped, not used."
She once again buried her face in his shoulder, this time wrapping her arms around him. "Thank you," she whispered.
Neither of them realized Justin could hear every word.
=^=
The rest of the weekend went much the same as the first night, with the three of them coming together often. At night, after Justin was asleep, Kathryn went to Chakotay. She knew Justin would not have been upset by her actions, yet felt better about doing it in secret.
The trio parted company, with promises to get together often. That didn't happen though. Katie remained with Justin, although off and on only. She found since that glorious weekend, he did his best to pleasure her every time they were together. She wasn't sure if it was jealousy at Chakotay's performance, or if he heard what Chakotay had said; either way she wasn't going to complain.
She and Chakotay had met as often as they could during the year, enjoying as much, if not more passion than before. He showered Kathryn with the love and tenderness that she so desperately needed, holding her often instead of just sex.
Chakotay even introduced Kathryn to Sveta. The two women got along wonderfully. Kathryn couldn't help but thank the woman for her wonderful teaching skills, which embarrassed Chakotay and brought chuckles of laughter from Sveta.
When Chakotay graduated from the academy, he said his good-byes to Justin and Kathryn and gave Kathryn a private goodbye. He whispered words of love to her, telling her how much he loved her, and gave her the reminder to calm down and let someone love her. He told her he wanted to be that person, to show her the way to love, but that the two of them had different paths to take. She loved Chakotay, and a part of her wanted to drop everything and follow him wherever he went, but she didn't. She remained with Justin, and the two of them grew to love each other, now no longer with anyone but each other.
She thought things were going well with Justin. In fact she could actually imagine spending the rest of her life with him. He seemed to have calmed down a lot, and was focusing on his career, making Kathryn wanting to do the same. They had both graduated from Starfleet, but had yet to get deep space assignments.
She was coming home from one of her late classes, tired and cranky, only to find Justin at their apartment with a few of his friends. They had obviously been drinking none of them quite able to say a full sentence, "Hey, Katie, you're finally home," said Justin.
"And you're drunk," said Kathryn sarcastically.
"We've been having fun, and now that you’re here, we can have some more fun," said Justin, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her onto his lap.
One of his friends approached and bent down to kiss her, she pushed him back, "What the hell is going on, Justin?" she said trying to break out of his grasp.
"Katie, you've had fun with my friends before, this is no different. It can be all at once, or each separate, we don't care," he said.
"Justin, I thought…" she began, but he cut her off. He began kissing her, quickly pulling off her uniform. His friend began working on her pants. She didn't want this, she and Justin had tried to stop their wilder ways, but three might not be so bad.
It was about at the time she was nearly naked when she saw two other men come in from outside, "Justin, I don't think I want to do this."
"Come on, Katie, this will be fun. They are willing to give us credits; please, do this for me," he begged.
She bit her lower lip, trying to keep from crying as she stood up and removed the last of her clothing, 'Five, I can do this,' she said to herself. "One at a time, please. Okay, Justin?"
"Sure thing, Katie," he said, as he laid her on the floor and watched the first of his friends begin with his girlfriend.
Several hours later Kathryn sat soaking in the tub trying to wash off the remains of what had happened. She was sore and found it difficult to look at Justin;, he had grinned the entire time standing watching her, stroking himself to climax.
What bothered her most is when his friends left they asked if they could do this again, and Justin said, "No problem. Katie is always willing." It was true, she had never said no. She wondered if she ever would.
=^=
Kathryn sat on the bio bed with so many thoughts running through her head, she was dizzy. Admiral Paris knew exactly what was on that moon, and brought her there regardless of the danger. ' Well, Kathryn, you've now dabbled in just about everything,' she thought to herself.
She still felt sick to stomach at what had happened, but that was too late now, Justin was dead and there was nothing she could do about it. She wondered if it bothered her that the last thing he saw was her having sex with a Cardasian. 'Rape, Kathryn, it was rape.' That didn't matter. Justin had tried to rescue her, and it just so happened he found her in that small cell, with a Cardasian guard on top of her.
Justin had managed to get that one off of her and pull her out of the cell, but another guard surprised them and shot Justin, killing him on the spot. Kathryn only survived because the rangers were also there, and got her out.
Five days later she sat in Admiral Paris's office as he told her to keep quiet about what had happened to them. "I know you need to talk to someone, Katie, but please understand, this matter is of highest security. I could find you a Starfleet counselor if you feel the need, but this doesn't go home to your family.
"Admiral, I'm sure I could trust…" she began. She desperately wanted to talk to her mother, someone outside of all of this.
"Ensign Janeway, I will repeat this only once, this didn't happen. You will keep your mouth shut, and forget about it, do you understand me?" he yelled.
"Yes sir," she said defeated.
"You're dismissed," he said sternly, then turned back to the PADD on his desk.
Kathryn marched out of the office seething. How could they do this? Didn't they care about what had happened to her, to Justin? She didn't get far before the realization dawned on her; I don't want to do this any more.' Starfleet didn't care about her; she was just another ensign, expendable in their mind.
She found the nearest blank PADD and typed out her resignation, and walked right back to Admiral Paris' office, "Sir, I am through with this. This is my resignation. Don't worry, I'll keep my mouth shut," she spit out then turned and walked back out of the office.
=^=
Her Mom and Dad were not happy with her, but that didn't stop her; she wasn't going to change her mind. Of course she kept her word and didn't tell them the reason behind her hasty decision. Let them think what they wanted; she didn't care any more.
She attempted to find Chakotay, but learned he was in deep space, with no further information available.
Kathryn wandered around for the next year, occasionally visiting her family, but mostly just trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. She met the occasional man during her visits to a town, and found brief solace in their arms, but seldom remembered their names. Although her anger with Starfleet was still there, she was beginning to regret her hasty decision to leave.
She was beginning to wonder if they would take her back, just so she could do something productive with her life when she ran into Sveta. The older woman remembered Kathryn clearly and invited Kathryn to come along with her. It was during the trip that Kathryn learned of the Maquis in their plight.
It wasn't Kathryn's fight, at least not entirely, but for the first time in a long time she finally felt at home. She quickly made herself known within the ranks of the Maquis, making friends. One close friend was B'Elanna Torres, a talented half-human half-Klingon with a talent for engineering. Kathryn never spoke about what happened to her on that moon, letting it eat away at her, haunt her.
After a few years of fighting along side the Maquis, she was given a ship of her own, making sure she took B'Elanna with her. She was forced to take the Bajoran woman Seska with her at the request of Sveta. Kathryn did not like Seska, and was constantly butting heads with her, yet knew the woman could be of use to her.
Despite her newfound peace, Kathryn found herself falling into her old ways. She constantly tried to find a willing bed partner, tired of being alone. One of the Maquis, who simply liked to be called Ayala, was one she often ended up with. She knew he had a family somewhere, but was also lonely; they each wanted someone only for the physical release.
She could almost hear Chakotay's words again as she rolled off the bed feeling unfulfilled again. It didn't happen as often with Ayala as it had with Justin, but it was during those times when they had a quickie, knowing they could be called to battle at any time, that it did.
Then Tom Paris came aboard and completely surprised her. He was no longer the snotty brat, but a tall handsome man, who was as angry with his father as she was but, of course, for different reasons.
The attraction to Tom was strong and she soon found herself in bed with him. This time completely sated, yet the same unfulfilled feeling lingered. It didn't slow her down her though; if anything, she increased her activities, toggling between Tom and Ayala's bed at will.
Tom didn't last long on her ship, wandering away one day and getting himself arrested. She would miss his company in bed and in the pilot's seat, but in this business it had to be every man for himself. Sure the Maquis looked out for each other, and bailed each other out when needed, but when you got into trouble like Tom did, they rarely ran after you.
Her involvement with Ayala had pretty much ended when her ship was pulled to the Delta Quadrant where they met an alien known only as the Caretaker. A few weeks later, she was reunited with her old friend, Chakotay, now the captain of the intrepid class starship Voyager.
Chakotay's ship had suffered damage as had her own ship and he asked her to join him on Voyager, uniting their efforts to get home. He offered her the position of first officer, stating she was the most qualified according to her record. She had been surprised to see many of Starfleet's Admiralty had written glowing reports on her, many disappointed at her decision to join the Maquis.
Although they were slightly uncomfortable at first, Kathryn and Chakotay soon regained their friendship. Kathryn felt the once familiar attraction, and it seemed to her that it was growing stronger.
Chakotay had not acknowledgen't led on to her that he felt the same way, leaving Kathryn confused. She decided she had to know if he still felt the same way and confronted him late one evening.
They talked for hours reminiscing about the times in that old forgotten house, but Chakotay avoided talking about the sexual encounters. When she tried to bring it up, he simply stated that it wouldn't be proper for a Captain to fraternize with members of his crew.
Kathryn accepted his excuse and left his room, heading straight for Tom Paris' quarters. She did get the comfort she was looking for, although it was fleeting. He asked her to stay with him, but she said no. How much longer could she go on like this?
She threw on her clothes and made her way back to her quarters. She hoped no one saw her, suddenly aware that it would be obvious what she had been doing, her hair a mess, lips still bruised from kissing.
She thought she had made it back unnoticed when she almost ran into Chakotay. He seemed to know exactly what she had been doing and guided her back to his quarters instead of her own. He walked her over to the couch and made her sit. He then replicated a cup of tea and handed it to her, sitting across from her, yet never taking his eyes off her.
They sat in silence, neither of them wanting to speak, so Chakotay decided to go first, "I'm surprised. Tom Paris, Kathryn?"
"He's a warm body, Chakotay," she simply said.
"And how many warm bodies do you have on this ship?" he asked, with a slightly angry tone.
She sighed, a smart remark on the tip of her tongue, but decided against saying it. Chakotay had once been there for her, and now? Who knows, "Right now, only him. On the Liberty, there was another, but we aren't together any more."
"Kathryn, this behavior can be dangerous. At first it can seem so innocent, almost fun, like it was with Justin," he began. "You shouldn't just let men use you for pleasure."
"And why not Chakotay? It's at least someone. Besides, it's all I've known. I'm not the type of person that others readily fall in love with, Chakotay." She looked down at her hands folded in her lap and continued, "I'm not sure I even know what love is any more, so I take solace in the arms of men who are willing. There is nothing wrong with that."
"You don't even remember what it was like to be with me?" he asked.
"Come on, Chakotay. You were great, but you sure weren't permanent. I appreciated knowing that each time I would feel pleasure, and the love that you showed was all I needed at that time, but you came and went as you pleased," she said angrily.
Chakotay mentally berated himself, she was right, "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I guess I did, but please know the feelings I felt were real."
"I know they were, Chakotay. You did help me a lot. But you don't know what life was like after you left. I grew to hate myself, what I had become. I did things that I'm ashamed of, and experienced things I'd rather forget."
"Talk to me, Kathryn, tell me," he pleaded.
"I'm not supposed to discuss one of them, and I'm not sure I want to discuss the other," she said.
"I think you can with me," he said.
"No, Chakotay, I can't, please don't ask again," she said.
"How did you end up with the Maquis?" he asked.
"Well, something happened that made me leave Starfleet. I learned more than I wanted about that institution and had enough. I left and just wandered from town to town, until I ran into Sveta. She introduced me to the Maquis, and the rest is history."
"I wish things could have been different for you," said Chakotay. "For me I concentrated on my career, I met a woman and tried a long term relationship, but that didn't last. I've chose to be alone since then."
"It's been a while for you then," she said.
"Yes, it has, but I don't base my life on a need for sex," he said.
Kathryn bowed her head, "Sorry if my life is an embarrassment. I may not be perfect but I sure tried. I guess I just didn't try hard enough."
Chakotay felt a rush of affection for the woman sitting in front of him, she was a damn good first officer, but inside she was so lost. He had always sworn that he would never mix work with pleasure, but here in the Delta Quadrant it could get awful lonely. And if he were to break the rules for anyone, Kathryn Janeway would be the only one he would do it for.
Chakotay reached for her hand and pulled her to him. She willingly went, climbing into his lap, "Let's go to bed, Kathryn. No sex, just let me hold you."
She nodded her response; already feeling completely relaxed in his arms, and allowed him to carry her to bed.
=^=
The two of them began the relationship slowly, often cuddling in bed but after a few months had passed they still had not had sex. Kathryn had tried to engage Chakotay a few times but he turned her down encouraging her to go back to sleep.
It was those times that Kathryn felt rejected by him, getting up to leave a few times. Chakotay let her go, making sure she went to her own quarters. On one occasion Chakotay found she had gone to Ayala's quarters. Not knowing that he was her former lover, he didn't think twice about it.
Kathryn on the other hand felt incredibly guilty as she climbed on top of Ayala, allowing his hard member to sink deep into her. It had been a few months since they had come together, yet it still felt the same as before. She rode him for all sheit was worth, desperate for the feeling of an orgasm to come over her. Soon they were both screaming their releases, both shaking as they came down from the high.
She climbed off him, and quickly got dressed, kissed him, and sulked back to her own quarters.
She couldn't look Chakotay in the eye the next morning, so she engrossed herself in the engineering report. Soon B'Elanna called her for some help in engineering; she responded quickly, grateful for the relief.
As soon as the minor emergency was taken care of, B'Elanna pulled her into her office. Kathryn had often turned to B'Elanna, confessing her sins but since their arrival on Voyager they had had no time to talk.
"All right, spill it, Kathryn," said B'Elanna once inside the safety of her office. She could tell her friend had a problem, and she was determined to get to the bottom of it.
"Oh, B'Elanna, I made a mess of things here," cried Kathryn.
"Just how?"
"Well, remember I told you about the one man who treated me great while I was still back in the academy?" asked Kathryn.
"Yeah, I remember you telling me about him. You told me about a lot of men, but there is one in particular I want to talk to you about when you are through," said B'Elanna.
"Oh? Who?" asked Kathryn.
"You first, so tell me about this mess," said B'Elanna.
"Well… that man Chakotay," stated Kathryn, noticing B'Elanna' s shocked expression. "He caught me one night after I spent some time with Tom. He was disappointed, claiming I'm just letting men use me."
"Well, Kathryn, I've told you that before," B'Elanna interjected.
"I know," she admitted. "To make a long story short, we agreed to start a relationship, but slowly. And when he said slowly, he meant slowly. That was almost two months ago and we still haven't had sex."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Anywise, I guess I've been feeling rather down. A few times I tried to initiate sex and was turned down. I guess he's trying to teach me a lesson or something. I got frustrated last night, so after being turned down again, I went to Ayala. I never told Chakotay about Ayala and me, and I knew he wouldn't come after me if I went to him. Ayala is always ready and willing, so…"
"Oh, Kathryn, you're right about making a mess," said B'Elanna.
"Yes, exactly. I have to tell him. If I'm going to make this work with him, I have to," cried Kathryn.
"I hope it goes well. It's best to be honest with him from the start. But you do know you have to stop this. If you keep going to other men, he won't put up with it," said B'Elanna.
"I know," she said. "I don't know what's wrong with me; I don't know why I keep doing this. Each and every time I hate myself afterward, yet I keep going back."
"It's almost an addiction I would say."
Kathryn decided it was time to change the subject; she would find out her and Chakotay's fate soon enough. "So B'Elanna, who is it you wanted to talk to me about."
"Tom Paris," said B'Elanna.
"Tom? What about him?" asked Kathryn.
"Well, I think I like him, and I wanted to find out just what was going on between the two of you," said B'Elanna. "I know this may sound terrible, but I'm not into sharing."
"It doesn't sound terrible, and I don't plan on returning to him any time soon, in fact, not at all. Even if I lose Chakotay over this latest fiasco, I need to stop this. I need to change," stated Kathryn.
"You'll be fine, Kathryn, I'm sure of it. So you don't mind if I take an interest in the helm boy?" asked B'Elanna with a laugh.
Kathryn laughed with her, "No, he's all yours."
=^=
Kathryn managed to avoid Chakotay for two more days before he came looking for her. He stood just outside the doorway, waiting for her to grant him admittance, "So, are you going to tell me what the problem is?"
"I know we have to talk, and I guess now is as good as time as any," said Kathryn. She gestured towards the couch for Chakotay to take a seat. "Want anything to drink?"
"No thanks, I'm fine. I just want to find out why you've been avoiding me. I've tried not to push you, but…" he began.
"I know, Chakotay, things were going fine but then…" she started to say but found herself getting choked up. Looking into his face, she knew he wouldn't like this; she knew she was about to lose the only man who could ever really reach her.
He took his hand in hers, "Just tell me Kathryn."
"The other night, when I left after… well, I didn't go back to my quarters," she explained.
"I know. You went to Ayala's quarters. He's a friend; you served with him for quite a while, I'm okay with that," said Chakotay with understanding.
"Chakotay, he was also my lover, and that night we…we had sex," she admitted, looking away.
"Kathryn, please tell me you didn't. Why?" he said disbelievingly.
"I don't know really. I guess I needed something and knew he would give it to me," she admitted.
"You needed sex? Kathryn…" he began.
"I know, Chakotay, and you can't know how sorry I am. I just felt so awful after you kept rejecting me, like I wasn't good enough," she said.
"Kathryn, the point of waiting wasn't to make you feel awful," said Chakotay.
"Then what was the point, Chakotay? My problem isn't how many times I have sex, it's how many people I have it with," she cried.
"I don't know. I guess you have a point, but I thought it would help you step aside from that need. Finding enjoyment in the other aspects of a relationship is something else you need to learn," said Chakotay.
"I don't know if I can. Relationships haven't brought me enjoyment in a long time. Besides, if you really knew me, I don't think you would really want me. It was stupid for me to try a relationship with you. I'm sorry I wasted your time," she said bitterly.
She got up to leave, but he grabbed her arm, "Kathryn, we have to finish this talk now. What is it about you that I wouldn't want to know? You wouldn't talk before, how about now. Please help me understand you."
She took a deep breath and turned to face him, "Did you know Justin was dead?" she asked.
"No, I didn't, I'm sorry," he said.
"I am too, watching him die was worse than what I had went through moments before, although that … nothing prepares you for that no matter what Starfleet says. Justin and I were still together at that time, although looking back I don't know why," she began.
She moved back over to the couch and continued, "After you left, things went fairly well between Justin and me, at least for a while. We stuck to just the two of us, and I think you could easily say I loved him."
"That's great, Kathryn," he said, happy to hear at one time in her life she found happiness.
"But that didn't last too long. I came home one evening to find him there with a few friends; they had been drinking and all feeling… well, they all wanted sex." She saw Chakotay's face change, almost looking horrified but she continued anyway. "There were five of them, and Justin had told them that I would have sex with them for a few extra credits. I wanted to argue with him, but it was always so hard saying no to him. All I asked was that it would be one at a time, and they agreed. I felt so humiliated afterward, but what could I do?"
"How many times did you do that?" he asked.
"Just a couple more, and usually with the same men. It finally stopped when we both got a tour of duty on the Icarus, but that was short lived too," she said.
"What happened?" he asked, wondering if he really wanted to hear it.
"I swore to Starfleet I wouldn't talk about it and, considering I'm once again a part of Starfleet, I probably shouldn't," she said.
"Kathryn, I think you need to talk about it. This will stay between the two of us," he swore.
"Admiral Paris, Justin and I went on a short mission to a moon, supposedly to check out equipment. I found out after we landed that there was a Cardasian base on that moon. We were captured. Justin died when he found me in my cell… with one of the guards. He got the guard off of me, but there was another one behind him; he was shot."
"Oh, Kathryn," he cried, trying to pull her to him but she just pulled away.
"Didn't you hear me, I've not only been a prostitute, but was raped by a Cardasian" she nearly shouted.
Chakotay found that he was actually fighting back tears. How much can one person take before they break. Kathryn's cavalier attitude now made perfect sense. "Your past doesn't matter to me. That does not change how I feel about you. I just want to know, just like before, if you are going to continue going to others, or remain with me?"
"I want you, and only you. You are all I've needed for a long time now, Chakotay," she said, tears falling from her eyes.
"That's all I needed to know. We can get past this, just let me help you," he said.
"I'd like that," she said.
He took her into his arms, never wanting to let go.
=^=
The relationship began -- again; they took it slowly, getting to know each other again. Neither of them bringing up the subject of sex; both were anxious to reunite in that way, but also felt Kathryn needed to distance herself from that subject.
Kathryn also confided in B'Elanna, telling her about her past; Chakotay had felt that she could use a woman to talk to about all that had happened to her. She was amazed to find out that B'Elanna too was a survivor of a near rape and had admitted to her how she almost took the same path as Kathryn.
Kathryn had finally admitted that her relationship with Justin had been a dangerous one, and although he always treated her well, the things he made her do were awful and degrading. She wondered where her life would have been if she never had met him; would she have made Captain someday? Maybe, but now at least she had finally found the right path, with the help of Chakotay.
They often had dinner together, but had opted against [?] the sleeping together part. It was a couple months after Kathryn told Chakotay about the secrets of her past before she no longer felt dirty about her life and herself.
Chakotay had cooked a wonderful vegetable casserole one evening and had Kathryn squirming about the mystery desert. Finally he presented it, moving her over to the couch and handing her a bowl of strawberries, along with a bowl of sweet chocolate, "Oh you sure know they way to a woman's heart, Chakotay," she commented. She took a strawberry from the bowl, dipping it in the chocolate and taking a bite, the chocolate dripping onto her chin.
Chakotay laughed and leaned over to her, licking the chocolate off. His nearness sent sparks through Kathryn; she couldn't help but move her head just enough for her lips to meet his. She snaked her tongue to meet his, lightly playing with his.
He pulled her down so she was lying on the couch and covered her body with his. Their mouths dueled while Kathryn rocked her hips into his, finally she pulled away from him, "We have to stop, or I won't want to."
He lifted his head to look into her eyes and in that instant both knew it was time. They frantically tore at each other's clothes, desperate for skin-to-skin contact.
Chakotay then moved down, nestling his face between her auburn curls. His tongue snaked out, taking a long lick, then he latched onto her sensitive bundle of nerves biting and sucking until she exploded into his mouth.
He didn't stop there, licking her clean, only to bring her to another explosive climax. He then stood up and pulled her with him; holding her with his strong arms, he positioned her so that his hard member just grazed her moist hole, then he plunged in to the hilt.
Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist and held on tight, while Chakotay walked them towards the bedroom. The movement alone was enough to send her over the edge again, but Chakotay managed to keep his control, slowing his pace as Kathryn shuddered against him.
Finally reaching the bed he lay her down, never disengaging as he worked them back on the bed. He rested himself on her for a moment before raising himself on his hands and beginning the pace that soon brought them both to an exploding climax.
He rolled off of her and pulled her close, reaching for the covers as they both drifted off to sleep., "This is how it should be," he mumbled to her.
"I don't need anyone but you," she replied through a sleepy haze.
It may have been a rough road, but it was Chakotay who finally showed her the way home.