Inspired by Michael Boltens's song
"How am I supposed to live without you" started by crista, finished by
sheri. She was in a cloudy mood, but I know every cloud has a…
Silver lining
rated nc17
Written by spud and sheri
Chakotay sat and looked out at the bay. He had been sitting there for a long time, long enough that the waitress just kept pouring coffee into his mug without prompting. He just stared out at the dull, gray water. The rain had let up a little and a few people had ventured out onto the boardwalk. Chakotay eyed them without interest. He sighed. It seemed that the last five years of his life had been lived without interest.
The door of the café opened and laughter poured into the quiet. A group of people, laden down with packages, slid into a booth in the far corner. Chakotay looked up when a glitter of auburn caught his eye. He hated himself. Hated that even now he would look at every woman to try to see a resemblance of her. His glance took in the group. Several women and two men. One of the men had his face buried in the cloud of auburn that had captured Chakotay's eye. He was obviously whispering something to her and Chakotay could hear the rumble of laughter. As the man lifted his head and the woman turned to face him, Chakotay gasped. It was her. Kathryn. After all these years here she was, in a café lifting her face to be kissed by an adoring companion.
Chakotay drank in the sight of her. She was beautiful and more relaxed than he had ever seen her. He was barely able to breathe. The man with Kathryn leaned over to kiss her again before getting up to move toward the washrooms. Kathryn bent slightly to rearrange some packages at her feet and when she raised her head their eyes locked. She gazed directly across the room and her smile faded. "She is remembering.," thought Chakotay.
His own thoughts flew to that day. The day when he had returned from Deep Space Nine and Tom had mistakenly assumed that Chakotay had known about Kathryn's engagement. Chakotay had barely been able to walk to Kathryn's apartment. He had burst in on her and demanded to know what she was doing. He had yelled at her. He had screamed how he had loved her for years, that he was consumed by her, that he couldn't let her go. He had finally admitted to himself that he needed to push her, needed to try. He had been in tears at the end. He had grabbed her and kissed her and sobbed into her hair for her to give them a chance to be more than friends. She must have thought him crazy. She had asked him why he had waited. Why he had let years go by without touching her. She had gotten angry at the end and told him to get out. He had further embarrassed himself by begging her. She had looked at him with a look so vague that he knew he had lost her forever.
And now here she was. He couldn't break their contact. Her eyes and his remained locked for what seemed like an eternity. She didn't smile. A sadness crossed her beautiful features and he died inside knowing that he had put it there. She broke the look as her husband slide back in beside her. She was more subdued now, not as animated. "That's my fault." Chakotay reprimanded himself. He wished that he could leave but he was glued there. He was forced to watch her from a distance for the rest of the afternoon. She never acknowledged him, never looked again in his direction and eventually her personality dominated the group and Chakotay saw how alive she was. Alive and vibrant. His Kathryn.
After a while he watched them leave. Watched her husband hug her to him as they walked. She never looked back. Chakotay sat and looked out at the bay. He had been sitting there a long time.
*********
He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting
there in the rain; he had wandered out side at some point and now sat in
front of the water. He was cold, soaked to the bone, but he didn’t care
anymore.
“You’re going to get sick if you stay out here like this.”
“What? What are you doing back here Kathryn?” he asked angrily.
“I’ve come to take you out of the rain, come on, my apartment is close by. I think we are long over due for a talk.”
“Won’t your husband mind?”
She just laughed, and reached down to take his hand, she pulled him up to stand and began to lead the way.
He just followed. To be this close to her again was heaven. How pitiful was he? He would take what ever he could get. They reached her apartment a short time later, she showed him in then quickly left his side, only to return with a couple of towels. “Here, dry off.”
“Thanks.” He said quietly. “So, you didn’t answer my question, won’t he mind my being here?”
“My husband? If I had one, yes he might.”
“You don’t? But you were engaged, I…”
“You thought I went through with it. No I didn’t, I didn’t really love Robert. It wouldn’t have been fair to him to go through with it.” She explained.
“So who was…?”
“Ah, Thomas. Yes, well he … is… well…”
“He is what Kathryn? This shouldn’t be that difficult.”
“He is just a good friend.” She calmly explained.
“Oh come on, he sure looked like more than a good friend to me.”
She rolled her eyes, it was so nice to not have to explain this to anyone, most of her friends understood her and Thomas’ relationship. “Ok, we’re a little more than friends, but we’re not, ok. We both take care of each other’s needs. Whatever they may be.”
“Needs?”
“You know, friendship, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and … sex, occasionally. Ok there I said it.” She said turning from him with a slight blush in her cheeks.
“Ah, I see. You two just seemed so in love back there, I guess I just assumed that you two were married.”
“No Thomas is not that dissimilar to a pilot we once knew. He just… oh I don’t know. I love him, but not like that. I … well…”
“I don’t think I have ever seen you for a loss of words.”
“Well, enough of this, don’t worry about him, we’re not committed to each other or anything. So how have you been, Chakotay?” she asked changing the subject.
“Miserable, absolutely miserable. I’m sorry, maybe I should go.” She did not need to see how pitiful he had become.
“No, you shouldn’t. Chakotay, I’ve thought nothing but about that night, the last night I saw you. I don’t know, I blamed it all on you. I know I was partially responsible for everything on voyager, I should have said something to you too. But it seemed once I figured out my feelings; you were no longer interested. By time we got home, I just gave up, and pushed you away. It was a huge mistake, one that I regret. Then I met Robert, I fell into him, let him completely consume me. I thought it was what I wanted. But after that night, I realized it wasn’t.”
“Why didn’t you come find me, tell me, we could have avoided all of this.”
“Pride I guess, guilt. After all of that, I thought I never had another chance with you.”
“Oh Kathryn, can we fix this, somehow?”
“I would like to try.”
He bent down, kissing her softly on the lips. She fell into the kiss; this is what she was waiting for. They parted for a minute, and she smiled up at him. “I…” The doorbell interrupted them, “I’ll go get that.” She said with a smile.
“Thomas, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Well, you left all your packages with me and ran, I really don’t have any use for your…”
She snatched the bags out of his hands, “give me that!”
“So is he here?” Thomas asked curiously.
“Yes, would you like to meet him?”
“Sure.” He stepped into the room, and immediately spotted Chakotay. He didn’t look that happy to see him.
“Chakotay, I would like you to meet Thomas. Thomas, this is Chakotay.”
Thomas reached out his hand, and Chakotay slowly met it and shook, Not wanting to make the other man more uncomfortable, Thomas planned a hasty exit. “Well Kathryn, I really have to be going.”
“Alright, thanks for bringing these back.”
“Ah no problem hun. I’ll catch you later.” He leaned in close to her, “and I’ll expect details.”
She pushed him out the door, “Go away, god you are so bad.”
“Yep, that’s me, see ya.” And the man left.
“Sorry, I didn’t expect him. He really is just a good friend.” She tried to explain.
“I know, I guess I just have to get used to that. I really don’t know this side of you Kathryn. I would like to get to know her though.”
“She was always there, just hiding I guess. I wanted to change so much, after all that time spent alone in the delta quadrant. It seemed the more time I spent with people here, the more I couldn’t stand to be alone.” She sighed, “are you hungry?”
“Yes, are you cooking?”
“No replicating, there are some things I didn’t change at all.” She showed him into the living room, and went to get them something to eat. She returned a short time later with two bowls of coffee ice cream.
“No, I guess there are things about you that will never change.” He commented after taking the bowl.
“Yep, need to get my coffee intake, any way I can get it.”
He laughed out load for the first time in a while, “Oh of course, who could deprive you of coffee? I think that would be dangerous.”
“Good, I’m glad we have this understanding Chakotay, once you understand that, I doubt we could have any problems.”
“We do have a lot to work out Kathryn. A lot of time has passed, a lot of hurt.”
“Are you going to hold all that has happened against me? I don’t think it was entirely my fault here. I may have tried to hold fast to protocol, but you didn’t try very hard. After new earth, you seemed to just give up.”
“What choice did I have?”
“The choice to fight for what you wanted. I’m not excusing myself here, but what was I supposed to think, my best friend pulled away, leaving me to seek solace in holograms. They didn’t work, I was stupid to think they would.”
“Kathryn if I had any clue that your feelings about protocol had changed, I would have done something. You never led on to the fact that they did. I honestly don’t know what to say here. I think we could go around and around on this subject and get no where real fast. The powers that be had us by strings, and we had no choice but to follow. We could have made it right once we got home, but fate once again stepped in and changed that. We have now, and I think if we were going to make this work, we shouldn’t look to the problems of the past, but just look forward, and hope that works.”
“It can’t hurt to try, I think we could have something special. I want to try this with you.”
He pulled her close, and leaned in to kiss her, then pulled away, “Kathryn, I have to ask you something?”
“Hmm, what?” she said, climbing into his lap.
“Kathryn, you’re trying to distract me. I really have to get used to this, this is unlike you.”
“What don’t you like it?” she was kissing his neck now.
He groaned, “I do, oh yes I sure do, but I need to know. I can’t start something with you if Thomas is in the picture; I need to know where you stand with him. I will not share you.”
“Chakotay, please, what do you think of me. Ok, so it’s unlike me to have a sex partner, but that’s all that it was really. Thomas will still be in the picture, but as a friend only, because that what he really is. Believe me, he is not lacking for companionship. Chakotay, I will not continue sleeping with him, ok. I’m not like that.”
“I know, I guess I needed to hear that. I’ve had so many doubt’s over the years, that I may need a little reassurance from time to time.”
“Alright love, don’t worry, I love you, and I want to try to make a life with you. Five years is a lot of time to make up for. And we have plenty of time to make up.” She once again began kissing his neck. But he stopped her.
“Kathryn, I think we need to slow down, I don’t want to jump in bed with you and rush this, we have all the time in the world to make this right.”
She leaned her head on his chest, “Alright, if you want to wait, we can wait, but believe me, you are not rushing this for me. I’ve waited 12 years to be with you, we are definitely not rushing anything.” She began to get up but he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her firmly.
“You do have a strong point there. Twelve years is a long time to wait for this.” He began giving her neck the same treatment; it wasn’t long before he had her moaning loudly, “ohhhh yessss!” She busied her hands with undoing his shirt, and allowed her hands to explore his bare chest, her thumb flicking his nipples. She broke from his grasp and knelt onto the floor between his legs, reaching for his zipper, she undid his trousers, and helped him slide them off. She took his boxers off with the pants, and marveled at the sight before her, “Hmm impressive.” She commented before taking him into her mouth. Her tongue swirled around the head, then flicked his small opening, while her hands applied pressure to his sac. “OOHH…oohhh, Kathryn, stop, or I’ll…” She didn’t though, and a few minutes later, he spurted down the back of her throat.
She licked her lips, then returned to her position on his lap, this time facing him, her mouth covered his, and her tongue darted in, allowing him to taste himself.
He broke the kiss, and switched there positions, pulling her pants swiftly off, he dove right in, using his fingers to carefully part her folds, then allowing his tongue to flick her clitoris. She wiggled slightly, and he used his free hand to still her, “Patience Kathryn.” He applied his whole mouth to her aching bundle of nerves, using suction and pressure to bring her to her peak, then darted his tongue into her moist hole to taste the juice’s that were flowing.
Her eyes were still closed, “My god, and we waited twelve years? What is wrong with us?” she laughed. “That was amazing Chakotay.”
He lifted his body so he was face to face with her, “I aim to please.” He did the same to her, covering his mouth with hers, letting her taste her own juice’s from his mouth. “I think I need a tour of your apartment, starting with the bedroom.”
She rose and took his hand, and led the way. They barely made it into the room, when he attacked, he grabbed her, lifted her, and backed her into the wall, “I can’t wait for the bed.” He positioned himself between her legs, placed his hard member at her opening, and plunged in.
“Ohhhhh my.” She said wrapping her legs around his waist. She placed her arms around his neck and held on, he was definitely taking her for a wild ride. He thrust hard and fast, there was no need to stimulate her anymore, and the position provided all the stimulation she needed. She was soon bucking against him ferociously and coming harder than she ever had, “yessss… OHH…yesssss!” her head fell forward, she was completely spent, he thrust one more time, and spilled himself into her. They sank to the floor bonelessly.
He managed to get up, and carry her to bed; he lay beside her and pulled her close. He was happy, truly happy, and he knew in his heart that this would work out. For the first time in a long time, he once again knew peace.
END