A little warning, this does contain C/7, but stick with it, it ends just how it should!
I want to know what love is
by Sheri
rated pg
I'm not sure what to think right now. My mind is so jumbled that I don't think I could get out a straight thought even if I wanted to.
It’s a funny thing-- love. I've thought I've loved so many times yet never really grasped what it truly is.
I thought I was in love when I had my first kiss, then again when I lost my virginity to my first real girlfriend. I thought I was in love then. There were many other women who I had in my bed, yet none of them touched my heart.
When I found my ship in the badlands, then drawn to the Delta Quadrant I thought that I had found my perfect woman in Kathryn Janeway. She was everything I wanted strong, proud and beautiful
Kathryn, to me, was going to be my life, my soul, the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. But she wasn't.
I know she didn't return those feelings and in the end I gave up on her. I gave up on our love. I found love, or what I thought was love, in the arms of another, and another, and another and moved on with my life.
Of course, Kathryn would always be special to me. She was my best friend, but I couldn't spend my life waiting for the unattainable.
I married one of those women, Seven, Kathryn's protégé of all people. Back on Earth we did our best to build a happy family. She became pregnant a year after we married and she couldn't have made me a happier man. It was an amazing experience watching her belly grow, feeling that life move inside her.
When she gave birth to my daughter I had never felt more proud. The first time I held my daughter I could feel it down to my soul. I felt like I had the entire universe all wrapped up for me in one tiny bundle.
I was so caught up in that little life that I never even noticed the distance growing between Seven and me. I, of course, paid attention to her, held her, loved her, but I never noticed she seemed to no longer need that.
I shouldn't have been surprised when Seven stood before me holding the padd containing the termination papers for our marriage. She packed up and left, moving in with this other man, leaving me and her daughter behind. She apologized, saying she never meant to hurt me, but she had found someone else. I realized after she left that she hadn't hurt me. But she did upset my life. I missed having someone there to talk to, to share my day with while I ate dinner. I didn't understand how she could have left our daughter, just walked out and left her. That upset me.
Funny thing is, who is here to comfort me? The one woman who has been there through all of this, the one woman I gave up on. Kathryn Janeway.
Kathryn has just put my daughter to bed and is now sitting here beside me, holding my hand and doing her best to reassure me.
She leans her head on my shoulder, snuggling in and I feel my heart soar. She has always been here, Maybe only as a friend only but that friend still occupies a big part of my heart. I wonder just what she could have been had I not given up on her of long ago or taken that step with Seven, and a part of me hurts to think about it.
Could we have been more? Did she ever really want that or is she content with the friendship that we share?
"Thanks for being here, Kathryn," I say.
"No problem, Chakotay," she replies. "You know nothing could keep me away."
I smile. "I know."
"Do you want me to stay?" she asks.
I risk and honest answer. "Forever."
"Hmm, that would be nice," she replies sleepily.
Was that her answer? "It would be," I say fishing for more.
She gives me her answer but in a way only she can. She moves slightly then shifts and lies down, settling her head in my lap. She reaches up and pulls my arm so that it settles around her waist and she sighs.
All this time I have looked for someone to share my bed, when what I needed was someone to share my heart. I needed someone to show me what love really is and Kathryn will be the one to do it. She's been doing it for years. I know that now.
We may someday share a bed but I won't be in a hurry for it. I honestly
don’t need that. What I need is someone to share my heart and Kathryn will
be the one to do that.