Disclaimer: I don’t own them, I’m only playing.
rated nc17
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
By sheri
She was the perfect performer. ‘I should have been an actress,’ she thought.
She made it through the entire day, with a smile on her face, never once faltering. But now, as she stumbled out of the dimly lit holodeck, she felt the mask falling off. She had to get back to her quarters, before it was gone completely.
She did it; she married her first officer, to Ensign Christy Walters. And now she knew, she was truly alone.
~~~~~~
“Captain? Do you need any help?” Came the voice from behind her.
She turned to find Ayala, still decked out in the tux he wore as the best man. “No, thank you Lieutenant. I’m fine,” she lied.
“Excuse me Captain, but you don’t look fine to me,” he answered honestly.
“I…. “ She turned to her door, and punched in the code. She didn’t want to explain this, she knew no one would understand. He followed her into her quarters; somehow she just knew he would.
She didn’t know why she started talking to him, but she felt the need to talk, and he was here, “I guess I just always assumed we would be together in the end,” She offered.
“But protocol got in the way.” He answered.
“That, yes. But friendship too, I think. We set aside our feelings and let a great friendship evolve. I will never regret that, but I guess I always hoped it would become more.”
“So why didn’t you tell him how you felt? I don’t think he realized.”
She just shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t honestly know. I guess never hearing it from him, I just figured he was content with what we had. To tell the truth, I was too.” As if she suddenly realized whom she was talking to, she stopped. “Thanks again for listening, I think I am more than ready for bed.” She said, trying to dismiss him politely.
“Do you really want me to go? It sounds like you really could use someone to talk to,” He said.
She laughed ironically. “ I get the feeling your not here just to talk. Like I said, I think it would be best if you would leave.”
“Well, I’m not one to back down from how I feel. And right now, I don’t want to leave.” He said bluntly, “Do you really want me to?”
“Lieutenant, I think you really should…” She looked up into his eyes, god they were beautiful, did she really want him to go?
“It’s Ayala. And I believe you have a name too. I would like to be able to use it.”
She hesitated, but just for a moment, “Kathryn. Yes, that would be nice.”
He slowly approached her, never once taking his eyes from hers. Even as he reached her he never quite touched her, just kept backing her up until she met her bed; he had maneuvered her right into the bedroom. He bent down and kissed her, gently at first, but then with a growing passion. Kathryn’s arms wound around his neck keeping him firmly in place.
He finally pulled away, stepping back from her. He slowly removed the tux vest, then unbuttoned his shirt yet leaving it on. He wanted his message clear; he wanted her, but would not force her into anything she didn’t want to do.
A smile crept to her lips, she knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she should tell him to leave, but she did not want to. Her emotions were rolling; she wanted to say no, to scream protocol at him. But she had lived by protocol for so long that she lost the man she truly loved. Here now stood a man, who was willing to give her something, call it comfort, call it love, she just knew she desperately needed it. It was the last person she expected to give in to; Ayala was always such a quiet man. But she couldn’t find any objection within her. She met his actions, removing her dress uniform jacket, then the top she wore underneath. She was left wearing only her bra and pants, he would have to remove those.
He smiled, and stepped forward. He reached out his hand, and brushed it against her breast. “So beautiful,” he whispered. He bent down and once again his lips met hers, while his hands moved to her back to remove her bra. Then his hands wandered to remove her pants, all the while her hands where busy divesting him of the rest of his clothing.
Both were eager now, and fell to the bed, now completely naked. His lips left hers as he began a trail down to her breast. He took one into his mouth and slowly sucked on the nipple until it was rock hard, then moved to the other, eliciting soft groans from Kathryn. “Ohh, that feels good.”
Pulling away briefly, he shifted slightly and continued his path down to her auburn curls. He looked up to meet her eyes, and upon getting their ok, he dove in. She cried out when his tongue met her bundle of nerves, bucking up into him. He continued his assault, licking and sucking to bring her to her peak. As he felt her convulse, and scream out, he left his position and once again climbed up to meet her lips. Placing himself between her legs, he placed his hard member at her opening, and let just the tip slide in. She wrapped her legs around his waist and urged him on.
He slid in the rest of the way with a groan, then paused, to let her adjust to his size. Then began slowly moving in and out meeting him thrust for thrust, bring each of them to a fast climax. Despite the control he was so desperately trying to keep, her second orgasm triggered his, and he spilled his seed into her, collapsing on her, totally spent.
He rolled off of her, pulling her into his arms, and kissed her softly on the lips. Sleep quickly took them, drifting off in each others arms.
~~~~~~~
She woke up to her alarm to find herself alone. She only had a moment of regret until she found the rose lying on the pillow, a padd next to it.
“See you later, A”
It brought a smile to her face; she sat up, wincing slightly at the pain between her legs, she was not used to the activity of the previous night. She was surprised at herself, she should feel regret, but she didn’t. She laughed and prepared herself for the day.
~~~~~~~
Kathryn glanced over at Chakotay, and smiled when he met her eyes. She felt guilty keeping this secret from him, yet she wasn’t ready to tell him yet.
She and Ayala had been seeing each other for two months now. Two glorious months that left Kathryn feeling blissfully happy. She couldn’t explain it, yes, a lot of it was based on sex, and she couldn’t really say whether she was honestly in love with him.
Yet, she thoroughly enjoyed his company and she knew he did the same.
They often met in her quarters, for dinner or just to talk. Not every day, just here and there. He kept her mind off of Chakotay, and she helped him forget the family he left behind. They both knew how each other felt, not really committing to each other, yet enjoying it for what it was. It was exactly what she needed; yet she wasn’t quite ready for the knowledge of it to come out yet.
She also wasn’t sure what Chakotay’s reaction would be.
Since his marriage, they hadn’t spent any time together besides work. She didn’t really expect him to, but she did miss his company.
She wasn’t really sure if he would
be upset over the news of she and Ayala’s relationship. She hoped that
after all of this, she would still be able to remain good friends with
Chakotay.
“You have the bridge,” She commented to Chakotay, as she rose from her chair. She must have moved too quickly, because she was hit with a wave of nausea as she stood up.
Seeing her falter, Chakotay quickly became concerned, “Captain, are you ok?”
“I just moved too quickly, I’m fine now. Thank you.” She said, and she hurried to the ready room. Upon entering, she ran over to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up, emptying the entire contents of her stomach.
She got up with a groan, and made her way to her desk. She wanted to ignore how bad she felt, but decided that it was best that she didn’t. A visit to sickbay would be in order. Changing her destination, she headed for the door.
Chakotay stood as she made her way across the bridge, “Captain, you don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good either, I’m going to sickbay. You have the bridge.”
“Would you like some help?” he asked.
“I don’t need my hand held, Commander.” She paused for a moment, “Sorry, I get grumpy when I’m sick. I’ll be just fine.”
“All right Captain.” He answered as he watched
her make her way to the turbo lift.
~~~~~~~~~
She thankfully found sickbay empty, except for the doctor, “Captain, what can I do for you?”
“I don’t feel too well doctor.” She answered.
“Hmm, what are the symptoms?” He asked as he picked up the tricorder and began to scan her.
“Nausea, and vomiting. It just started a little bit ago,” She explained.
“I see. Please lie down on the bio bed, where I can get a more thorough scan.”
She did as ordered, as slowly as possible, the nausea hadn’t quite left her and she wasn’t quite in the mood for another episode of what happened in her ready room. The doctor buzzed around her, continuously scanning as he went along. She closed her eyes, doing her best to fight the bile rising to her throat.
“Captain… Captain… Wake up.”
Kathryn blinked once, not even aware of the fact that she had fallen asleep. “Doctor, did you find anything?” She was surprised at the fact that she felt a lot better, the nausea was no longer present.
“Yes, as a matter of fact I did. I’ve also given you something to combat the morning sickness; you should already feel a lot better. I’ve taken the liberty of making up a dietary schedule that I would like to see you follow, and you know you are going to have to cut down on the coffee.”
“Wait a minute. Did you say morning sickness?” Please, not that.
“Why yes Captain, I’m sorry. You are indeed pregnant, six weeks to be exact. I did not do a DNA scan, do you feel it’s necessary?”
“Pregnant! you have to be kidding me.” She shook her head in disbelief.
“I have to admit that I was shocked too Captain, but I have also learned to keep my nose out of where it does not belong. It is against protocol for you to be involved with a member of….”
“Shut up. I don’t think I need that lecture right now. Shit, this is not what I was planning, how in the world am I going to tell him this?”
“I take it the father may not be too happy?” he asked.
“I don’t know, we… I don’t know doctor. Can I go? I should return to bridge duty,” She asked.
“Actually, Commander Chakotay called while you were asleep, he was concerned…” he started to say.
Kathryn instantly panicked, “You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“Of course not, Captain. I wouldn’t do that. I simply told him that you needed some sleep, and that you should take the rest of the day off. He agreed.”
Kathryn sighed, “alright, I guess I do have a lot of information to absorb here. Thank you Doctor.”
“You are welcome. Get some rest Captain, you have someone else now who needs it.”
“I will.”
~~~~~~~~~~
The chime of her door woke Kathryn out of her sound sleep, she was a lot more tired than she realized, and fallen asleep shortly after she got to her quarters.
She rose from the bed, and asked the computer for the time.
It answered, ‘1800 hours.’
She was shocked to find that she slept most of the day. The chime rang once again, so she decided she better let who ever it was in.
The door opened, and there stood Ayala, “Captain, I finished that report you were asking for,” He said with a smile.
Kathryn glanced behind him to see an ensign passing by, “Thanks, come on in.”
As soon as the door shut he pulled her into his arms, “I heard you went to sickbay, are you ok?” he asked, after placing a small kiss, gently on her lips.
“Well, I think we have to talk.” She said, biting her lower lip.
“OK, so let’s talk.” He had a feeling he knew what was coming, “I don’t beat around the bush Kathryn, you know that. Are you pregnant?”
She turned to face him, completely stunned, “How did you know?”
“Lucky guess, so are you?” he didn’t want to sound angry, he just wanted answers.
“Yes.” She answered quietly, “Sorry, I didn’t plan for this to happen.”
“What are you sorry for? I didn’t exactly lie there you know. It’s not what we planned, but fate has a way of changing perspectives for us.”
“But…”
“No buts, we’ll work this out, ok?” He wanted to make sure he reassured her. He found out early in the relationship that even captains need reassurance once in a while.
“How can you be so sure of that?” she said a little sarcastically.
“Listen, we’ve never really talked about this, but I suppose it’s time we did. I don’t know how to explain what we have here, do you?”
“No, not really. I didn’t think, up until now, that it needed explaining. We’re happy, that’s all that matters to me.”
“Yes, exactly. I’ll never stop loving my wife. I know, she moved on, but the letters she writes to me also tells me she regrets doing so. She loves me, and I know this, but she also wants me to be happy, to move on myself. You will never stop loving Chakotay, but you also have to move on. We have found something between us, whether its comfort, or love, or a little of both. And it makes us happy, why change that? Can’t we keep going on, just like we are, and see where it takes us?”
“I guess I just never imagined starting a family like that.”
“Well neither did I, but do you agree?”
“Yes, I do. We’ll work it out. But I would like to keep this between us, at least for now. I need time to absorb all of this, ok?” A lot of time, she thought.
“That’s fine with me, take all the time you need.” He once again pulled her into his arms, and held her close, hoping she didn’t see the confusion plaguing him too.
~~~~~~~~
She stepped onto the bridge and headed for her chair, greeting the crew on her way. “Good morning Chakotay, thanks for covering my shift yesterday.”
“Not a problem Captain. Are you feeling better?” He asked.
“Yes, much.” She answered.
“I’m assuming the doctor found out what was wrong?” Chakotay asked, curiously.
Kathryn nearly panicked for a moment, “Yes, he did. Just stress.”
“If that was stress, then you need to take more time off.” He said with a chuckle.
“Is that a hint Commander? If so, I’m assuming you’re willing to pick up the slack. Hmm, I wonder what Christy will think of your charitable actions?”
“Hey, you know if you need it, you can ask.”
“I know Chakotay, and thank you, I just may take you up on that offer.” She smiled at him, and settled back in her chair. She was glad to have the playful banter back on the bridge. It didn’t occur often lately, and she missed it dearly.
She smiled at him then turned away, no need to dwell on what couldn’t be. She knew she still loved him, she couldn’t deny it, but he went on with his life, and so did she. Of course this wasn’t exactly what she wanted, but it was a little late for that now. She may now never know what she and Chakotay could have shared; it would be better not to dwell on it.
~~~~~~~~~
“Mr. Kim, so what do our sensors tell us?” Kathryn asked, staring at the planet that loomed on the big screen. It had been two months since the discovery of her own little stowaway, and she still had not told anyone.
“Well, I want to continue scans, but so far just plant and animal life.”
“Edible plant life?” she asked.
“Yes ma’am, from up here, it sure looks like it.”
“Great! Continue scans. Chakotay, this looks like a job for your wife and Mr. Neelix.”
“Yes, it sure does. Our stocks our getting pretty low.”
“Inform them they are going on an away mission, I don’t want too many people down their right now. Have Christy pick one more person, and that will be all.”
“What about a security team? With the animals, I would feel better if someone watched their back.” Chakotay added.
Kathryn turned to face Ayala, standing at Tuvoks post. “How about it Lieutenant? Feel like getting off the ship for a while?”
“Yes ma’am.” He answered.
“Very well, report to Ensign Walters, and find out when she will be ready. You’re going down with them.” She turned to Chakotay, “feel better now?” she laughed.
“Yes, thank you. Ayala is the best.” He commented.
“He sure is.” She answered hidden meanings and all.
***********
Kathryn paced the ready room, hand on her slightly swollen stomach, a million thoughts running through her head. She wasn’t going to be able to hide this much longer, at nearly four months she was already starting to show some. She and Ayala had made the best of it, considering the circumstances, and still got along fairly well. She could tell the news of the baby wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear, but he was a good man and promised to stand by her, through it all.
What a mess this was turning out to be.
She still often thought back to that first night, when they came together.
All those years of nothing, then with a look from an unlikely man, she
had definitely found something. Just defining what that something was still
eluded Kathryn. Did she love Ayala? Yes, there wasn’t doubt about that,
although defining just what type of love it was, was a difficult thing
to do. She honestly didn’t know if she wanted to spend the rest of her
life with this man, but she also knew she would never deny him the child.
Kathryn had always been a woman who felt she would fall in love, get married, and have a family. Not, fall in bed, have a family, and discover a form of love that kept her content. She never imagined herself settling for contentment, but right now it suited her.
The voice over the Comm, broke her train of thought, “Captain, you better get out here, there’s a problem.”
She quickly exited the room, and entered the bridge. “Report,” she barked, noticing Chakotay was not present.
“I’ve only heard part of what has happened so far, an animal attacked the team, a rather large animal, from what I hear. All I know, is we transported them all up to sickbay, one is already dead.” Harry reported. “The Commander and Mr. Paris are in sickbay.”
Kathryn tried not to panic, but her gut
feeling told her what she was about to find. “Then that’s where I will
be too, Tuvok, you have the bridge.” She barely heard the acknowledgement
as she headed for the turbolift.
*************
She stepped into sickbay and froze, this was almost more than she could handle. Chakotay was huddled over a bio bed, which contained his wife; she didn’t look too good. The doctor and Tom were busy over two other victims, Neelix was obviously one of them, but she had to get closer to see who the other was.
It was Ensign Macey; both had injuries, but looked like they got the least. A sick feeling started to fill Kathryn, as she searched for the last member of the away team. Please, she thought, it can’t be him. She saw that the last bio bed contained another body covered by a sheet, and she suddenly felt as if someone dropped a shuttle into her lap. The weight was overpowering, and she felt as if she was going to fall, gripping the nearest console she steadied herself.
She slowly made her way to the bed, and put a hand on the body beneath the sheet. Taking a deep breath her hand made its way to the edge, gripping it to pull it down and reveal who was underneath.
“Captain, you don’t want to do that.” The doctor took her hand in his and tried to pry it loose.
“I have to.” She whispered.
“Captain, he took the brunt of the attack, you don’t want to see it, please.”
“Doctor, I have to.” She didn’t realize that she was slipping into shock, she shook her hand loose and managed to yank the sheet down a little. A primal cry erupted from her throat as she revealed what was left of her lover's beautiful face. She felt herself sinking to the floor, and then nothing else as a hypospray injected its contents into her neck, pushing her to sleep.
************
Kathryn began to stir, as the sounds around her permeated her ears. She slowly opened her eyes to take in her surroundings. She was still in sickbay, and if she wasn’t mistaken, Chakotay was asleep in a chair beside her. Her hand reached out, to touch his head, and he stirred.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked.
“I … I’ll be fine. So, how is Christy.”
“She’ll be ok. It was a close call, but the doctor said she is stable now. But really, how about you. You had me scared back there when you passed out.”
The reality of all that happened surfaced and she did her best to fight back the tears, “I guess this was just too much to see.”
“Kathryn, don’t lie to me, there was a lot more to it than that.” He knew his friend too well.
She fought back the tears, “Not now Chakotay, please. We have to talk, I know that, and I will explain, but please, not right now.” She turned away from him.
“Alright, but please remember if you need to talk, I’m here.” He turned to her and headed back to the bio bed that his wife was on, to watch over her.
She nodded, but said nothing else, she just wished for sleep to come take her, taking away the pain for at least a brief time.
She heard him walk away, and let out a sigh of relief. This just wasn’t fair; it seemed any man she got involved with was just not meant to be. She often wondered if she was jinxed, or if this was just fate’s way of keeping her alone. And now her bad luck with men had affected more than just her, now she had a baby to care for, and now Chakotay had almost lost his wife. She knew it wasn’t her fault, she could not have predicted the animal attack, but, and it didn’t make her feel any less guilty.
*************
The doctor finally released her from sickbay, after giving her the report on Ensign Walters, Neelix and Ensign Macey. All three would make a full recovery.
It seems the animal first attacked Christy, Ayala went into action doing his best to get the animal off. At first Neelix and Macey tried to help, but before he died, Ayala ordered them both to run. Ensign Macey grabbed Christy and Neelix went for his phaser, finally killing the large animal, but it was too late for him. The funeral service was planned for tonight.
Kathryn stopped in front of Chakotay’s door; the doctor made had him leave sickbay, yet the computer showed he was still awake.
She knew this was not the time to bring up this conversation, but she also felt she should stop in and check on him. She rang the chime to his quarters and awaited entry.
It opened a few moments later and he motioned for her to come in, “Captain, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I just wanted to stop by and see how you were. The Doctor says Christy will be just fine, a few days in sickbay and she’ll be ready to come home.”
“Yeah, she’ll be fine.”
“Are you ok?” she asked.
“I am, Ayala was just a good friend. We lost touch with that friendship over time, but he still was a good man. I’m going to miss having him around. Did you know he had a family back home?”
Kathryn took a deep breath, fighting back the tears, “Yeah, I knew. He will be missed Chakotay.”
“I know. If you don’t mind, I would like to take care of the arrangements for tonight. I am probably the one who knew him best, and it should really fall to me.” Chakotay said.
Kathryn nodded, and moved to get up. She was about to cry, and had to get out of there, “That will be fine, Commander, I’ll leave it in your capable hands.”
“Kathryn, are you sure you’re ok?” He could
tell she was about to cry, but didn’t want to embarrass her.
She closed her eyes, willing the tears to stay away, “I’ll be fine, just tired. Let me know what you have planned, I’ll be in my quarters.”
“Alright, Kathryn. If you need anything, call. Ok?”
“Thank you.” She quickly left.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The service for Ayala was beautiful, Chakotay said some wonderful things about his friend, and so did a few of his other friends. Kathryn stayed back, trying her best not to cry. The whistle was blown and the entire crew turned to the view ports to watch the pod float off into space.
Kathryn made her way through the crowd,
doing her best to console her crew. It helped her keep control of her feelings
giving her condolences, and getting some in return. She managed to stay
around for the next twenty minutes before it all became too much. She made
her excuse and quickly left for the security of her quarters.
Chakotay noticed her hasty exit. He was planning on leaving himself, but wanted to go spend sometime with his wife, in sickbay. He would check on the Captain later, first he went to go see his wife.
Sickbay was quiet, all patients were asleep,
“Commander, your wife is still unconscious. I’m keeping her that way until
at least the morning.”
“Do you mind if I sit with her?” he asked.
“Not at all. But please, only for a short time. You need your rest too.” He watched the Commander pull up a chair, then continued to his office.
~~~~~~~~~~
Chakotay sat with Christy for a short time before the doctor finally kicked him out, he felt tired but knew he would not be able to sleep. Checking the status of the Captain, he found she was still awake, so he headed to her quarters.
He rang the chime, and entered when the door opened. He noticed immediately her red puffy eyes, “Kathryn, what’s wrong?”
Kathryn looked away from him, and walked back over to the couch. Chakotay followed taking a spot next to her. “Talk to me Kathryn. I have a feeling this is a lot more than just all that happened today.”
She sighed, wasting no time she just said what she had to say, “Chakotay, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I know I have to. I haven’t liked keeping my secret, and I know I can’t keep it anymore.”
Chakotay leaned towards her, putting a hand
on her knee, “then just tell me Kathryn.”
She closed her eyes, for a brief moment, then opened them to look right into his. “Chakotay, I’m pregnant.”
“You're what?” he said, shocked.
“Almost four months.” She added.
“I didn’t know you were involved with anyone? Who is the father?” he asked.
“Ayala is the father, or was,” she said, a tear slipping down her cheek.
Chakotay’s hands covered his face, trying to absorb the news he just received. He looked up to see Kathryn silently crying, and went right into action. He approached her, pulling her into his arms, “oh Kathryn, I’m so sorry.”
“We weren’t serious, I don’t know how to describe it. We were there for each other, comfort mostly. And companionship too. But god, it doesn’t hurt any less. I know we weren’t planning this baby, it wasn’t what either of us wanted, but he accepted that it was coming. I think he was a little excited about it too.”
“So how do you feel about the baby?” Chakotay asked.
“Oh, at first I was in shock, and angry that I let it happen. But now, the idea is growing on me, I think I am… or was getting a little excited too. But now … he’s gone … what the hell am I going to do?”
“Kathryn, I’m here. That won’t change. I know I’m married, but I’m still your friend. Let me help you, be there for you.”
“Chakotay, I can’t ask that of you. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to Christy.”
“That’s ridiculous and you know it. I am not happy with the fact that you and I have drifted so far apart since my wedding that I did not know you were involved with someone.” He paused for a moment, “Just how long were the two of you together.”
“Actually we’ve been together since the night of your wedding.” She didn’t want to explain further, how would she tell him, her distraught feelings over him caused her to drop protocol and be with another man.
“I see. Kathryn, you never cease to amaze me.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked.
He paused, “nothing, I’m sorry. Look, please know, what ever has happened? It shouldn’t matter any more, you’re my friend Kathryn, and I would hope you know that I will always be here for you. Let me help you, be there for you.”
Kathryn smiled and leaned into him, “I did miss my best friend.” She admitted. “Chakotay, how did I make such a mess of things?”
“You didn’t Kathryn, it just seems that way right now. I think you sometimes forget you’re only human. You make mistakes, you need comfort, and you need love. I’m glad to know Ayala was able to help you a little bit there. I will be the one to help now, and this time I won’t take no for an answer.”
Kathryn felt herself falling asleep; she mumbled an incoherent answer to him as she drifted off. Chakotay didn’t even realize that he too fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~
Chakotay awoke a few hours later, a little disoriented at first. He felt someone move against him, and was momentarily surprised to find it was Kathryn. Then he remembered the confession, a baby. He would have never imagined it, the two of them together. But then again, he would have never imagined that he would give up on Kathryn, and find happiness with another woman.
Kathryn didn’t say much about her relationship with Ayala, he knew she would eventually tell him more, but right now he knew enough. It didn’t really bother him as much as he thought it would, Ayala had been a good man, one he respected greatly.
It was funny, what little Kathryn described of her relationship with Ayala, almost sounded like his with Christy. Christy was a good woman, and yes, Chakotay could have spent the rest of his life with her. But she was not the type of woman he would have normally seek out.
She was quiet, and quite laid back. She wasn’t very passionate, yet she did really try. When they made love, she was quiet as a mouse, only the clenching of her muscles let him know she had reached orgasm. He did love her, but it was a quiet love, one that kept him content, but not much more. He often wondered if it would sustain them through out life, but he also knew he was willing to try.
He let his hand drift down to Kathryn’s stomach, he could tell she was beginning to show signs of her impending motherhood. Just a soft swell, just barely there, but before long, she would show completely. Here was a child, who would never know the love of her father; only from the words of her mother. It was a girl, it had to be. He always had pictured Kathryn having a little girl, with big blue eyes, and beautiful auburn hair.
Kathryn stirred, coming out of the much-needed sleep. She slowly sat up, releasing herself from Chakotay’s arms. “Hi, sorry, I fell asleep.”
“Don’t be, I did too, I think we both needed that.”
“I think I should get back to my quarters.” She said, getting up and straightening her clothes, “Thank you Chakotay.”
“No problem Kathryn. If you need anything call me, ok?”
“I will.” She said, then quickly exited his quarters.
~~~~~~~~~
The crew, although shocked, welcomed the news of Kathryn impending motherhood with open arms. It brought an excitement to the ship that hadn’t been around for sometime.
Christy recovered in no time at all, and Chakotay tried his best to fall back into a nice routine with her. He found it difficult due to old feelings about Kathryn creeping back in. It was putting a strain on his marriage, and he knew it. But no matter how hard he tried, he could not shake how he felt for Kathryn.
Chakotay was making his way back to his quarters when he spotted Kathryn coming out of a turbolift, He ran to catch up to her.
“Hello Captain. How was your shift today?” he asked with a smile.
“Boring to say the least. These four-hour shifts the doctor has me on are driving me crazy. I’m starting to wear a spot on the floor where I have been pacing.”
Chakotay laughed, “You need to take it easy Kathryn, you’re eight months pregnant.”
“Exactly, I’m only pregnant Chakotay, not an invalid.” She stopped walking, putting her hand on her belly.
“Are you ok?” he asked with concern.
“Oh fine, she’s just doing summersaults in there.” Noticing his curious gaze she asked, “do you want to feel?”
“May I?” he said reaching out.
She took his hand and guided it to the spot
you could feel the baby best. He was completely fascinated, his grin growing,
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Hmm, no not really. It gets uncomfortable from time to time, but I kind of like it.”
He removed his hand, “Well Chakotay, would you like to come in for a drink?”
“Sure, sounds great.” And the two of them headed for her quarters, neither of them noticing Christy, who was standing a way back down the hall.
~~~~~~~~
Chakotay headed back to his quarters, hoping Christy wouldn’t be too upset. He spent the past hour just talking with Kathryn, glad to have their old friendship back to where it was. He still didn’t know what to do about the feelings he had for her, but just pushed them aside, as he did before.
Entering his quarters he found them completely dark. “Lights, fifty percent.” He called.
As the lights came on, he noticed Christy sitting on the couch staring out the view port. “Did you two have a nice time?” she asked, no real sarcasm in her voice.
“We were just talking Christy.” He tried to explain.
“Oh I know, I trust you Chakotay. But I’m beginning to wonder, just what are we doing here?”
He joined her on the couch. “What do you mean?”
“Chakotay, you have to ask? What kind of marriage do we really have here? I don’t think we’re in love, in fact I know we aren’t.”
He looked a little shocked, but understanding was also on his face.
“Don’t get me wrong Chakotay, I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you. And I have a feeling you feel the same way.”
“Yes, I think your right.” He said softly, “ I honestly thought we could make this work.”
“I know, so did I. We were lonely Chakotay and took comfort in each other. We took a larger step than we probably should have.”
“Can I ask, what brought this on now?” he asked her.
“Well to be honest, it’s been building for a while. But today I saw you in the corridor with the Captain. You were beaming Chakotay, I don’t think I’ve seen you that happy in a long time. I think that’s when I realized, that you are ‘in love’, just not with me”
“Christy, I…”
She put her fingers to his mouth, silencing him. “Chakotay, I know. I’m not upset by it, that’s what bothered me. I am not the least bit bothered by saying that I know you don’t love me. That has got to mean something Chakotay.”
Chakotay sighed, “I’m sorry, I wish it could have been different.”
“I know, me too. Listen, I’ve already moved my things back to my friends quarters. It didn’t take much; I don’t have a lot. I still want to be friends, ok?”
“I would like that.” He answered.
She leaned over, kissing him softly on the lips. “Don’t sit back on this Chakotay. You love her, fight for her.”
He smiled, “thank you Christy. You too, don’t settle for just anyone, you are special, you know.”
She smiled, then left, leaving him alone with his thoughts in the dimly lit room.
~~~~~~~~
Chakotay spent the next month wrapped up
in his duties, the doctor finally took
Captain Janeway off duty, and she was due
in four weeks now.
He spent most of the time alone, only stopping in to visit the Captain when he had a report she wanted to see. He needed time to think, about his failed marriage, his feelings for Kathryn, and unfortunately didn’t seem to be getting very far.
He was heading for the Captains quarters, the latest reports in hand. It was their deal, he brings her the reports, and she wouldn’t fight maternity leave.
He rang for entrance and entered when the
door opened, “hi Kathryn, I got those reports you wanted.”
“Oh thank you Chakotay.” She said not moving from the couch, she winced slightly, and her hand went to her back, trying to massage the sore muscles.
“Are you ok?” he asked, slightly concerned.
“My back just hurts, I’m fine.” She said, “How was everything today, did I miss anything?”
“No, not really, all quiet out there. Kathryn, would you like me to rub your back, you look like you’re really hurting?”
“Would you mind? It’s hard to reach back there, and this has been hurting all day.”
“Of course not, where would you be most comfortable?” he asked.
“Nowhere right now,” she laughed, “but I could try the bed.” she said as she slowly stood up. She took a couple of steps then stopped, her hand flying to her stomach, “oh god, that wasn’t my back this time.”
“Kathryn, are you in labor?” he asked, moving over to help her stand.
The question didn’t have to be asked, all of a sudden, her water broke, splashing all over the carpet, “I guess that answers that question.” He tapped his Comm badge, “Chakotay to sickbay.”
“Yes Commander, what can I do for you?” answered the doctor.
“The Captain’s in labor, I’m bringing her in,” he said, as he began guiding Kathryn to the door.
They made it to sickbay in no time at all, and Chakotay quickly helped Kathryn onto the biobed. “Chakotay, please, don’t go.” She pleaded.
“I’m not going anywhere Kathryn.”
“I know we didn’t really talk about it, but I really want you to stay with me…” She paused to breathe through the next contraction.
“Kathryn, relax, I will stay right here with you. I want to see this little one, just as much as you do.”
Kathryn reached for his hand, “thank you Chakotay, what would I do with out you?”
~~~~~~~~~
Chakotay massaged his hand, the brief moment it was free. Never before had he imagined that Kathryn would have such a grip. The contractions were coming back to back now, and the doctor informed her that she was completely dilated. The next contraction hit, Kathryn grabbed Chakotay’s hand and bore down, doing her best to push the baby out. Tom arrived just a few minutes after them, and began doing as the doctor instructed.
She fell back onto the biobed, completely exhausted. “Doctor, how much longer?” she managed to ask.
“Just a couple more pushes Captain, here comes another one, now push,” The doctor ordered.
Kathryn did just as he said, and true to his word, two contractions later, the baby came screaming into this world, “It’s a girl,” announced the doctor.
Chakotay bent down and kissed her on the forehead. “you did it, oh Kathryn, she’s beautiful.”
“Doctor, is she ok?” asked Kathryn.
“Of course, Mr. Paris will just quickly check her over, then you may hold her.” Noticing her look of concern vanish, he went back to cleaning her up.
Tom finished with the scans, and picked up the baby to bring her to her mother, “Captain, she’s just fine, almost 3kg. And has quite a set of lungs, as you could here.” He handed her the baby, and stepped back.
Kathryn took careful inventory, looking her over from head to toe. Running her hair throughout the short dark hair, “she’s so perfect, god look at her.”
“What are you going to name her?” asked Chakotay.
“Well, the only name that was brought up before Ayala died, was Sarah. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.”
“Sarah Janeway, I like that,” said Chakotay.
“Chakotay, thanks for staying, I don’t know what came over me.”
“It was an honor Kathryn,” He admitted.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kathryn leaned back onto the couch, nursing her daughter, so many thoughts running through her head. She had been shocked when she found out about Chakotay’s divorce from Christy, but also a little happy. That was wrong wasn’t it, wrong to be happy that a marriage didn’t work out?
She was so happy to have Chakotay back in her life, even if it was just as a friend. She was beginning to wonder if they might finally go beyond friendship; something that she now wanted more than anything. Another gift from Ayala, knowing now that she didn’t need to live a lonely life; she could be captain and Kathryn, the two could co-exist.
She looked down at her daughter, her eyes were still dark, but had a tint of blue. Her hair was dark, and despite the fact that there wasn’t much, she could tell it was going to be curly. She was so beautiful; Kathryn could watch her all day. Her chime rang, so she reached for the nearby blanket to cover her self, then called for entrance.
It was Chakotay. “I brought that report that you wanted to see, is now a good time?”
“Of course, just her dinner time, thank you Chakotay.” She said, reaching for the report.
“Seven goes on and on, as usual. You sure you’re up to that?” he laughed.
“I’m used to them, I’ve learned to skim through them, and get to the important parts.”
“Cheating, Kathryn, I never knew.” He laughed, joining her on the couch. He noticed her fumbling under the blanket; the baby was obviously done eating.
“Chakotay, could you hold her for me please, she tends to wake up if I lay her down right away. I’ve been dying for a shower, if you don’t mind.”
“One week old, and spoiled all ready.” He laughed, taking the infant, “good job kiddo. Of course I don’t mind Kathryn.”
“She’s not spoiled, she just enjoys a good cuddle, and frankly, so do I.” She made her way to the bathroom, and returned a short time later, “You didn’t have to hold her the entire time.”
Chakotay flashed her his dimples, “I can see how you find it hard to put her down, I think I could hold her all day.”
Kathryn couldn’t help think that he seemed to look just perfect there on the couch, holding the baby. “Well I’ll get her into bed.” She said, taking the baby from him. She placed the baby in the crib and returned to the living area, “So anything else going on that I need to know about.”
“No. A few problems here and there, but it’s all been handled. Have you eaten dinner yet?”
“No, Sarah came first.”
“Well, how about I get you dinner, my treat?”
“Sounds good.”
They ate a nice dinner, but mostly in silence; a silence they were both comfortable with. Chakotay decided to be the first to give, “Kathryn, you really haven’t said much … about you and Ayala, I mean. How are you feeling now?”
“I’m alright… really. You have helped me a lot Chakotay, I appreciate that.”
“Any time Kathryn, I care about you Kathryn, you know that, don’t you?” he asked.
“I know … and Chakotay, you don’t know how much I appreciate all that you do for me,” she said. “I still can’t believe he’s gone, sometimes. He was a good man, quiet; he really caught me off guard. He didn’t have a lot to say, but when he did, it touched me.”
“I know, he’s always been like that, I think that’s one of the reasons I respected him so. He always knew when to step in, help when needed. I still can’t believe I had no idea you two were together, I really thought I would have known something like that, I should have been able to tell.” He realized he might not be making much sense, “I’m sorry, it isn’t any of my business.”
“Chakotay, it’s ok. I don’t know how to explain it, beyond saying he was there at the right time. There’s a part of me that feel’s bad that I held off on that kind of closeness for so long. Ayala and I weren’t in love, and yet what we had was special. I think I could have been happy with him, maybe … I don’t know, will never know.”
“I don’t know either, Christy and I didn’t make it, and I really wanted to try, at least I thought I did.”
“You haven’t said Chakotay, what happened there?” She asked, curiously.
“Well, actually, it right along the same lines as what you are saying. We were there for each other, I loved her, but I know I wasn’t ‘in love’ with her. We really shouldn’t have taken the next step and got married.”
“ I guess I didn’t realize that. You two seemed so happy together.” She said.
“What would I have seen if you and Ayala had went public?”
“Ok, you have a point there. What happened here? When did we decide that we should just settle for … I don’t know.”
“Kathryn, I know what happened with me, and I don’t know if you want to hear this, but I’ve held off for entirely to long, and I think I just need to say it.” He said with a serious tone.
She turned to face him, “what?”
“Kathryn … I … I love you, I have for a long time.”
Kathryn was stunned; “You love me?”
“That surprises you?”
“Well, yes and no. I mean, I suspected you did before, but nothing was ever said, and even if it was said, I don’t know how I would have reacted. And now, I’ve had another man’s baby…”
Chakotay interrupted her, “Yes, you did, but I was married to someone else at the time. Kathryn, can I ask? How do you feel about me?”
She bit her lower lip, then began to smile, “I think … no, I know I love you. I have for a long time. I wanted to tell you so badly, but there was protocol, and pride. Chakotay look at us, all this time we could have been happy, together, but we have to take the hard roads. There were times I had my self convinced that if I did tell you that you would just laugh.” At seeing his hurt expression at that statement, she quickly continued, “Oh I know you wouldn’t have, but still. I felt, as if I was in the dark, I couldn’t see the light in front of my face. Live like that long enough, and you believe it. Sometimes I really hate being the Captain. When Ayala came that night, I think I felt as if it was as dark as it was going to get, and the sun would never shine again. Ayala changed that, and after his death, you did even more, I love you Chakotay, please, if nothing else, know that.”
He blew out the breath, he didn’t even realize he was holding, “Kathryn, what are we going to do about this?”
“Well, I would suggest taking it slow. I do want to give this a try. We’ve danced around this long enough, and I think we could make this work.”
He smiled, flashing her his dimples, “Oh Kathryn, I do love you,” he said. He leaned in close to her, placing his lips to hers for a gently kiss. She met his actions, her arms snaking around his neck. The kiss soon became more passionate, feeling stirring, until Chakotay began to pull her down, along the length of the couch.
She quickly put her hands up, stopping him, “Chakotay stop.”
He stopped, slowly sitting back up, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried that,” He said, a little remorsefully.
She wanted to laugh, he was practically pouting, “Chakotay, I just had a baby a week ago, I can’t do anything yet. Perfect excuse to take things slow.”
He shook his head, ‘what was he thinking.’ “I’m sorry, I guess I forgot it would have to be a while for you. And you’re right, we need to take this slow. I think maybe I should get going, I have an early shift, you get to sleep in.”
“Ha, a lot you know, kiddo over there will have me up in a couple hours, and probably a couple hours after that. You will get more sleep than me.”
He pulled her to a standing position, and once again kissed her, “Sleep well Kathryn.”
“Yes, you too.” She watched him leave, feeling happier than she had in a long time.
************
Chakotay walked into the mess hall, planning on meeting Kathryn there. She was picking three month old Sarah up from daycare, then coming to meet him for dinner. The relationship with Kathryn was going extremely well, despite the fact that the two of them still hadn’t gone to that next level. The doctor had her wait until two months after she had given birth, then there was nothing but constant interruptions with her back on duty. Not to mention all the times Sarah had woken demanding to be fed. He knew it would happen, he wasn’t really in a hurry, he had her, and that was what was important.
“Chakotay, come sit with me a sec.” Yelled Christy from across the room.
Chakotay walked over to her table, she was sitting alone. He hadn’t seen her a lot since the divorce, just here and there in the hall, but he always got a friendly greeting, “How have you been?”
“Oh I’ve been great. I’m actually meeting Joe here, but he called and said he was running late,” She explained.
“Joe Carrey?” he asked with a grin.
Christy immediately blushed, “yes.”
“So how long has this been going on?”
“Oh just about a month, maybe a little
longer.”
“That’s great Christy, Joe is a great guy.”
“Yes he is, in every way.” She said with a laugh, “So how about you and the Captain? Rumor has it that you two are a couple now.”
“Yes, you could say that, we’re taking it slow.”
“You look happy Chakotay.”
“I am.” He started to say, but stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, “Kathryn, you finally made it.”
“Yes sorry, Keep talking, I’m going to go sit over in the corner and feed Sarah, she’s getting a little impatient.”
“Alright, I’ll join you in a bit.” He turned back to Christy, “that kid loves to eat.”
“And loves to interrupt I bet.”
“You have no idea. I think she’s privately taking lessons from Tuvok.”
“You’re kidding, have you two had anytime
alone together?” she asked.
“Well, when she’s asleep, yes, but no not really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind. I could hold Sarah all day, she’s just so sweet, and really such a good baby. She just likes being awake, at the oddest times.”
“Yes, babies tend to do that Chakotay, they have no sense of timing. Hmm that gives me an idea, come on.” She said, taking Chakotay’s hand and leading them to where Kathryn was sitting.
“Hello you two, she just finished, good timing.”
“Great, Captain, may I hold her?” asked Christy.
“Of course.” She answered, handing Sarah over to Christy.
“Ok, great, now you two shoo.” She laughed, turning and walking away.
“Chakotay, just what is she doing?” said Kathryn, a little alarmed.
“Well, I guess she’s babysitting.”
“Your ex wife is babysitting, why?”
“Well, she asked me if we had anytime alone together, and I told her no. So I guess she’s giving us that time.”
“That’s a little weird isn’t it.”
“No I don’t think so, she’s a sweet person, caring, and she knows what it’s like to have interruptions. Did you know the she was dating Joe Carrey?” he asked.
“No, really? They make a cute couple.”
“So come on Kathryn, who knows when this will happen again.”
With one last glance in the direction of her baby, she allowed herself to be led out of the mess hall.
************
They entered her quarters, leaving the lights off. Chakotay bent down to kiss her, but she pulled away, “this just doesn’t seem right Chakotay, we shouldn’t do this.”
“Yes, we should, don’t worry about Christy, she volunteered, remember,” he said, bending down to kiss her neck.
Another objection was on her lips, but before she could speak, his lips covered her mouth. The passion rose, and all thoughts, except for him, left. His tongue snaked in, to taste hers
A purring moan of pleasure made its way up from somewhere in the depths of her, her body seemed to want to become part of his. She could not get close enough to him.
Her hands reached up under his shirt, to feel him, then back out; she needed to see him. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt; he did the same to her. They were soon naked from the waist up, he pulled her close, savoring the feeling of skin to skin.
They stayed like that, they didn’t know
for how long, just enjoying the feeling. Chakotay pulled away, and began
to undo his pants, and remove them, then moved to Kathryn. He dropped to
his knees, and looped his thumbs in her underwear, pulling them down. He
nestled his nose in her auburn curls; his tongue snaked out, flicking her
clitoris, cause a gasp to escape from Kathryn. Her reaction encouraging
him, he went in full force, licking and sucking, until he had her gasping
for breath, “Chakotay please…” she pleaded.
“Please what, Kathryn?” He said, returning
to her aching bundle of nerves.
“Oh god, please, I need…” he knew just what she needed, his mouth latched on, and his tongue flicked out, seconds later Kathryn was screaming out her release.
He stood up, and wrapped her in his arms, “Oh I love you Kathryn.” He said, kissing her as he led her to her bedroom. He was aching, and wanted her more than ever. He laid her down, “So beautiful,” he said, lying down next to her.
“Now Chakotay, please,” she begged.
He did just as asked lying on top of her; he placed his hard member at her entrance, and slid the tip in. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and tried to pull him in. Slowly his member made its way in, until it could move no more. He paused, “open your eyes Kathryn, I want to see you, all of you.”
The sensation of joining with him was overpowering, she knew she was on the verge of another orgasm; she opened her eyes to directly meet his. The love she saw, it completely filled her. Never before had she seen such light in someone’s eyes, her orgasm hit, without warning, pulling him right along with her. His seed pulsed inside, sending her even higher. He collapsed on to her, completely spent.
When he finally regained some sense of composure he tried to move off of her, “no, please stay, inside.”
He smiled, “I’ve never felt anything like that before. That was amazing.”
“No Kathryn, that was love. I know it; I feel it, right to the core. This is what we were missing, all these years, and now, we will never be without it.”
Kathryn felt the tears forming, “I love you, Chakotay,” She said, burying her face into his chest.
************
Chakotay slipped his pants on, and went to answer the door. He found Christy, holding Sarah, who was obviously quite hungry, “I tried to hold her off as long as I could, but I neglected to find out if she would take formula.”
“That’s just fine Christy, Kathryn is anxious to have her back.” He said taking the baby.
“So … did you two enjoy yourselves?” she asked with a grin.
Chakotay actually blushed, “Yes, we did. Thank you.”
“Isn’t love grand Chakotay?”
“Yes, it sure is.” He said, kissing her on the cheek. “I owe you one.”
“I know, and I know you will someday repay. We made the right decision, you know.”
“I know.” She smiled at him then left. He went to the bedroom, carrying a now crying Sarah, “Hey are you awake?” He asked.
“Yes, here hand her to me, I’ll take care of that.” She brought the baby to her breast, and she latched on right away.
He couldn’t help but smile at the picture; there was a day when he never imagined he would have this. The future had been clouded over; darkness eclipsed them both. But two wonderful people, showed them the way to the light, and brought them together. They were a family now, and would be until the end.
The End