Inspired by Michael Boltens's song "How am I supposed to live without you"
Living Without
You
by Spud
Chakotay sat
and looked out at the bay. He had been sitting there for a long time,
long enough that the
waitress just
kept pouring coffee into his mug without prompting. He just stared out
at the dull, gray
water. The
rain had let up a little and a few people had ventured out onto the boardwalk.
Chakotay eyed
them without
interest. He sighed. It seemed that the last five years of his life had
been lived without
interest.
The door of
the café opened and laughter poured into the quiet. A group of people,
laden down with
packages,
slid into a booth in the far corner. Chakotay looked up when a glitter
of auburn caught his eye.
He hated himself.
Hated that even now he would look at every woman to try to see a resemblance
of her.
His glance
took in the group. Several women and two men. One of the men had his face
buried in the
cloud of auburn
that had captured Chakotay's eye. He was obviously whispering something
to her and
Chakotay could
hear the rumble of laughter. As the man lifted his head and the woman turned
to face
him, Chakotay
gasped. It was her. Kathryn. After all these years here she was, in a café
lifting her face to
be kissed
by an adoring companion.
Chakotay drank
in the sight of her. She was beautiful and more relaxed than he had ever
seen her. He was
barely able
to breathe. The man with Kathryn leaned over to kiss her again before getting
up to move
toward the
washrooms. Kathryn bent slightly to rearrange some packages at her feet
and when she raised
her head their
eyes locked. She gazed directly across the room and her smile faded. "She
is
remembering.,"
thought Chakotay.
His own thoughts
flew to that day. The day when he had returned from Deep Space Nine and
Tom had
mistakenly
assumed that Chakotay had known about Kathryn's engagement. Chakotay had
barely been
able to walk
to Kathryn's apartment. He had burst in on her and demanded to know what
she was doing.
He had yelled
at her. He had screamed how he had loved her for years, that he was consumed
by her,
that he couldn't
let her go. He had finally admitted to himself that he needed to push her,
needed to try.
He had been
in tears at the end. He had grabbed her and kissed her and sobbed into
her hair for her to
give them
a chance to be more than friends. She must have thought him crazy. She
had asked him why he
had waited.
Why he had let years go by without touching her. She had gotten angry at
the end and told
him to get
out. He had further embarrassed himself by begging her. She had looked
at him with a look so
vague that
he knew he had lost her forever.
And now here
she was. He couldn't break their contact. Her eyes and his remained locked
for what
seemed like
an eternity. She didn't smile. A sadness crossed her beautiful features
and he died inside
knowing that
he had put it there. She broke the look as her husband slid back
in beside her. She was
more subdued
now, not as animated. "That's my fault." Chakotay reprimanded himself.
He wished that he
could leave
but he was glued there. He was forced to watch her from a distance for
the rest of the
afternoon.
She never acknowledged him, never looked again in his direction and eventually
her personality
dominated
the group and Chakotay saw how alive she was. Alive and vibrant. His Kathryn.
After a while
he watched them leave. Watched her husband hug her to him as they walked.
She never
looked back.
Chakotay sat and looked out at the bay. He had been sitting there a long
time.
End