Chakotay arrived on the bridge to find Captain Janeway already in her command chair. Hoping fervently that he was not giving off "I-got-laid-last-night" vibes, he greeted her and the rest of the bridge crew and sat down beside her.
She eyed him with what appeared to him to be a bit of suspicion, or perhaps skepticism. "Good morning, Commander." She leaned closer to him, and said in a low voice, "I’d like to see you in my ready room in 10 minutes." With that she rose from her seat, announced that she would be in her ready room, and disappeared.
Chakotay waited 10 minutes, then gathered up a few data padds and handed off the bridge to Tuvok. Janeway promptly answered the chime and he walked into the ready room.
"Captain?" he said simply.
She gestured toward the couch and they both sat down.
"So how did it go with Lt. Stanton last night?" she inquired, her face serious.
"Very well, I think. She got a lot off of her mind. She seemed in much better spirits after our meeting," he replied, shifting a bit uncomfortably.
"And when was that?" Janeway pressed.
"When was what?" he aked, not quite understanding the question.
"When did the meeting end?" she clarified, her tone clearly not friendly.
*What does she know? How does she know?* Chakotay asked himself. "I’m not sure," he lied. "It was late."
"Damn right it was late. I was anxious to hear how it went, so I asked the computer to let me know when she left. What the hell was she doing in your quarters until 0500 hours, Chakotay?" She was not hiding her anger now.
He was stung that she was, in essence, spying on him, even if that had not been her intent. "That’s personal, Kathryn," he said quietly, restraining his own anger.
"Personal? You were supposed to be counseling her! You’re a senior officer! She’s suffering from post traumatic stress or some such thing, and you’re doing what? Seducing her?"
"I didn’t seduce her!" His voice was getting louder; he was losing his patience.
"Then what were those screams I kept hearing? Flashbacks? I nearly called Security on you." Janeway was livid.
So was Chakotay. His face burned. Damn, he never even thought about Janeway being able to hear through the bulkhead between their quarters. He hardly ever heard anything from her side of the wall. Only the louder sounds penetrated it – like Sarah Stanton at the height of orgasm, apparently.
"Alright, Captain." He spit the title out. He pushed up from his seat and stalked down to the lower level of the ready room, then turned back toward her. "Here it is. Sarah made very clear what she wanted from me and I did not reject her. We made love all night, and it was wonderful. It was not a one-night stand. You told me years ago that you didn’t hold me, or anyone else on this ship except yourself, to the protocol forbidding fraternization across ranks as long as one of the parties didn’t directly report to the other. Consider this my official notice that I intend to pursue a relationship with Lt. Stanton."
Janeway couldn’t have looked more shocked if he had hauled off and slapped her. Somehow she hadn’t really believed he could have actually slept with Stanton despite the evidence. She sat there stunned for a minute before she found her tongue again. "What the hell are you thinking? That girl was repeatedly raped not a month ago, by someone who looks exactly like you, and you’re starting a sexual relationship with her? Are you insane?"
Chakotay was incensed. "That "girl" is a 37-year-old woman. And she was not raped, she…" Suddenly he realized he could not say what he was about to say. Doing so would be to betray Sarah’s confidence; he had told her that their conversation would not leave his room. He threw up his hands in frustration.
"She what?" Janeway barked.
"I can’t say. I can’t share what she told me in confidence without talking to her first. Suffice it to say that she wouldn’t be having sex with me if my mirror had traumatized her the way you think." Chakotay struggled to get control of his anger. "Listen, Kathryn, I don’t want to argue with you. There’s a lot here you don’t know about; you can’t possibly understand it without knowing the background. Why can’t you trust me to know what I’m doing?"
"Because where women are concerned, your track record’s not too good, Chakotay. Pardon my crudeness, but I think you suffer from DHS," Janeway said flippantly.
"From WHAT?" he queried, puzzled.
"Dick Head Syndrome. Thinking with the wrong head. You let your prick lead, and you wind up in ill-advised liaisons with Cardassian spies and ex-Borg blondes using you for their own agendas," she said spitefully.
Chakotay could not stop himself from retaliating. "And what about your agenda, Kathryn? I know what’s really going on here. You’re jealous. What is it, bottom line – is it misery loves company? You can’t stand the idea that I’m with someone because your celibacy and loneliness isn’t so bad as long as I’m suffering too? Or is it more personal than that – you won’t take me for yourself because of your damned protocol, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either? Which is it, Kathryn?"
Her anger couldn’t disguise the shadow of pain that crossed her face as his words struck their target, and he wished he could take them back. "I’m sorry, Kathryn, I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight with you…"
She interrupted him with a low, harsh, command. "You’re dismissed. Get out." He raised his hands toward her, an entreaty, a pained expression on his face. "GET OUT before I have you thrown in the brig!" she yelled.
He knew there was no reasoning with her when she was in this state. He turned and left the room and didn’t stop until he reached his own office.
/*\
After his rage, frustration and sorrow abated somewhat, he knew he had to talk to Sarah. Walking into the science lab, he looked around but didn’t see her anywhere.
"Commander Chakotay!" Lt. Graves greeted him. "You don’t often grace us with your presence. What can I do for you today?"
"Good morning, Lieutenant. No, I don’t often darken your door." He forced a smile. "I was looking for Lt. Stanton. Is she around?"
"Yes, she just went to get some supplies from the cargo bay. She should be back in a few minutes if you want to wait for her."
"Yes, I would," Chakotay replied. He hesitated a moment. "How is she doing?"
Lt. Graves shrugged. "Well, she didn’t seem to be doing too well until today, but this morning she’s like a new person. Everyone noticed it. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it was, it was for the better."
That piece of news did Chakotay’s mood a world of good. Just then, the door sprang open, and Sarah walked in, carrying a bulky case. She was startled to see him, but her eyes lit up and she grinned broadly.
"Let me get that for you," Chakotay said, taking the case from her and moving it to a open surface nearby. He smiled back at her, his heart soaring.
"Thank you. What brings you to the science lab, Ch…Commander?" She giggled at her near slip.
"I just need a quick word with you. Shall we step out into the corridor?" He gestured in that direction, and they walked out of the lab, goofy grins on their faces, leaving Lt. Graves and the others in the lab exchanging puzzled glances and raising their eyebrows.
"I didn’t expect to see you down here. What’s up?" she asked when they were alone.
"I wanted to invite you to have lunch with me. We need to talk. I had a rather unpleasant discussion with Captain Janeway this morning. She already knows about us," he reported with a grim face.
"What? How?" She looked astonished.
He couldn’t help but grin. "Seems she kept hearing someone in the throes of passion screaming through the bulkhead last night."
"Oh my," Sarah broke into a fit of giggles and put her hand over her mouth trying to suppress them. "Are we in trouble?"
"I’m in trouble. Don’t worry, I think it will blow over. But we need to talk. What time do you take your lunch break?"
"1300 hours." she replied.
"Perfect. Come have lunch in my quarters then, OK?" He gently touched her shoulder.
"OK," she said.
Chakotay quickly glanced up and down the corridor before sliding his hand behind Sarah’s neck and stealing a quick kiss. "I’ll see you then." He turned and disappeared in the direction of the turbo lift.
/*\
The hours until lunchtime seemed to crawl. Janeway, fortunately, was hibernating in her ready room. Nothing was happening on the bridge to pull Chakotay’s mind away from his two competing lines of thought: how he felt about Sarah, and what he was going to do about Janeway.
As much as he had gotten his back up when Janeway criticized his actions, he had to admit that he had some concerns about a relationship with Sarah. She had said she didn’t envision a conventional relationship – was that because she thought he wouldn’t be interested in one, or because she didn’t want one? He knew he couldn’t just be a means to occasionally relieve her tension, as she had put it. That just wasn’t him.
Did she care at all about him, or was he strictly a stand-in for Chako? Or had Chako in fact been a stand-in for HIM? He remembered back to the earlier years of their journey, before he had seemed to raise some sort of invisible barrier putting him off-limits to the females on the crew. Sarah had flirted with him more than a few times. Maybe she had always wanted him, so when Chako came along it was easy for her to submit to him.
And what were his true feelings for her? He was infatuated, that was clear. She was intelligent, with an engaging personality. But he’d never really paid any attention to her until she appeared as an erotic vision on the viewscreen. Was he really being led by his prick, as Janeway had accused? What kind of relationship could he have with a woman who set out to seduce him, and succeeded, a woman who had overloaded his mind with rampant sexual imagery, a woman who had admitted embracing her role as a sex slave. Was a relationship that was inaugurated with hot sex doomed to fail?
What of her "addiction"? He would never be the type of lover Chako was, either in terms of quantity or carnality. If wild sex was really what she wanted, how long would she be happy with him? A moot point, really, since if that was what she really wanted – all she really wanted – he didn’t want her.
But still…his mind couldn’t help wandering to last night, seeing her writhe underneath him as he thrust into her, remembering the animal lust on her face as she wantonly devoured his cock…damn, his penis was beginning to stir, he had to get his mind off that train of thought pronto.
So then he shifted to the Janeway problem. That was certainly a hard-on killer. This was the worst fight they had ever had, in terms of how personal it got. He felt terrible about the things he had said to her – she was his best friend, and he had spouted off things he knew would hurt. Never mind that she had been doing the same.
Well, it would undoubtedly be up to him to make the first move toward reconciliation. It almost always was. He was the peacemaker. And in this case, he was the one operating from the position of strength, bolstered by a night of passionate lovemaking. It had only taken seeing Sarah’s smile to brighten his mood. Who or what would be there for Janeway, to turn her mood around? Somehow he didn’t think a cup of coffee, or even a dish of coffee ice cream, would quite do the trick.
He felt a pang of regret that Janeway had never let down her wall of protocol and let them form a complete relationship. Maybe it was for the best, but as he saw her grow more distant and cynical with each passing year, he couldn’t help but feel that if she had let them become more than friends, they would both be better off now, especially her. But, what was past, was past. He had long since moved on and he rarely thought of her that way anymore.
But he cared very deeply for her, and he had to set things right. An idea came to him, and he jumped up from his seat and strode to the turbo lift.
"You have the bridge, Mr. Tuvok," he said as he disappeared inside.
He stopped first at the airponics bay and quickly made his selection. A peace rose. It was the perfect symbol in and of itself, but in addition it held a special meaning in their friendship. He had given her one after she had nearly died in a shuttle accident – it was the first flower he had ever given her.
Then he went to his quarters. He grabbed a small round metallic tray and lay the rose across it, then replicated a pot of coffee and placed that behind the rose. Rummaging through his desk drawer, he found a few sheets of paper and a writing instrument, and he sat down to compose a short note. It read:
A Peace Offering
Please accept my apology for my thoughtless words. Our friendship is too important to let anger come between us. We were both right, and we were both wrong. Let’s talk this over.
Yours,
Chakotay
He laid the note across the stem of the rose, and scrutinized the tray. It would do. Now for the tricky part. He carried the tray to the transporter room, encountering a few bemused glances on the way. Enlisting the help of the transporter technician, he beamed the tray to the coffee table in the ready room. It required precision; if they miscalculated the location of the table and set it too near the edge, the resulting spill was unlikely to improve Janeway’s disposition. Oh well. It was a chance he was willing to take. The tray disappeared and Chakotay crossed his fingers for luck. Only time would tell now.
/*\
In five minutes Chakotay was back on the bridge. Five minutes after that, the call finally came.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here," he quickly answered.
"Could I see you in the ready room, please." She gave nothing away in the tone of her voice, it was all captain.
Chakotay walked into the ready room cautiously, trying to gauge her mood before he got too close. She was sitting on the couch under the viewport, next to the peace offering. She was not smiling, but she wasn’t frowning, either.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay started, tentatively.
"Come over here, Chakotay." She pointed to the couch. "I won’t bite you. This time," she said, smiling wanly at her joke. He complied. "Well, we made a mess of it this morning, didn’t we, old friend?"
"Yes, Kathryn, we did." He grimaced ruefully. "I think we both hit a little too close to home. I can’t believe we were so vicious to one another. I’m really sorry. You are my best friend, Kathryn, I care about you. I have no excuse for hurting you like that." He dropped his head. "If I could fly us into a temporal anomaly and take it all back, I would."
"Oh please don’t," Janeway chuckled, "they always give me a headache." She was quiet for a moment, then said soberly, "You were right, you know. Hearing Stanton’s…uh, vocal performance…reminded me of what I don’t have. What I chose to give up when I made my commitment to this job and this ship. Having you in the same boat has made it more bearable, I guess. But I won’t ask you to give up your chance at happiness. It’s not fair to you."
Chakotay knew that it took incredible fortitude for Janeway to make that admission. He also knew she would not admit to his second accusation – wanting him – even if he was fairly sure it was true. Nevertheless, it was his turn to make a concession. "You were right to be concerned about Sarah. It is an unusual situation, and I know I have to be careful not to hurt her."
Janeway pondered her thoughts silently for a minute, measuring her words before she responded. "Actually, Chakotay, in light of what you let slip earlier, I’m now more worried about you getting hurt than her."
He looked at her, perplexed. "What do you mean?"
"You said she wasn’t raped. That can only mean she willingly submitted to him, whether or not she actually had a choice. I can’t say it surprises me – he looks just like you, after all. More than one woman on Voyager would probably think being your sex slave was the best job in the galaxy," she said without irony.
"Kathryn, that’s not something to joke about," he said uncomfortably. "He was a dangerous, ruthless man."
Her blue eyes pierced his brown ones. "I’m not joking, Chakotay. Some women get off on dangerous, ruthless men, even if those men treat them like dirt. Are you denying that Stanton consented to sex with Captain Chakotay?"
Chakotay rolled his head in frustration, wanting to frankly answer her question, but knowing he couldn’t yet, not until he’d talked to Sarah. "I still can’t answer that, Kathryn. Maybe this afternoon I can be more forthcoming; I’m seeing Sarah at lunchtime."
"I think I know the answer. And I would also hazard a guess on the rest of situation. She may have had many misgivings about her life on El Diablo, but I’m guessing she liked the sex. Now she’s missing it, so she came to you to supply it. Or maybe she even fell in love with him. You’re a handy substitute. In either case, if I’m right, you’re going to get hurt. You aren’t him. When a woman is attracted to bad boys, nice guys finish last." She put her hand gently on his shoulder. "Chakotay, I may be dead wrong. But I’ve seen it happen before. I don’t want you hurt. Please be careful."
"I will be, Kathryn. Friends again?" he asked earnestly.
"Yes." She gave him a brief smile. "We’ll talk again later."
He stood up and left the room.
/*\
A short time later he hurried to his quarters, arriving only a minute before Sarah. He let her in and greeted her with an affectionate kiss on her forehead, and she flashed him a brazen look that let him know she would love to be his dessert. He tried to ignore it, at least for the moment, but she undeniably had an effect on him that bypassed his brain and headed straight south. *Not now,* he told himself.
He quickly whipped up some soup and sandwiches with the replicator, and after they had eaten they moved to the couch to talk.
"I had another talk with the captain," Chakotay started. "She and I have smoothed things over, but there are a few things about you – about our situation – that I’d like to have your permission to tell her."
"Like what?" Sarah replied curiously.
"Well, she jumped all over me in our first conversation because she thought it was reprehensible that I was seducing a woman that had only recently been violated by my double. I did tell her that you were the initiator last night, but I think she would be less disturbed by our liaison if she knew your true feelings about your role as Chako’s consort."
Sarah dropped her eyes and pressed her lips together in thought. "Yes, you can tell her. You can tell her whatever you think she should know. Without knowing the full story, it must seem really sick to her. Maybe it still will when she does know the rest. Maybe it even seems a little sick to you." She looked him straight in the eye.
He cast his gaze down for a moment, then met her brown eyes. "No, Sarah. Not sick. A little…out of the ordinary, maybe, but not sick. Human sexuality is a complex thing. It acts on us in all kinds of ways we don’t really understand. That doesn’t mean it’s sick. But…while we’re talking about sexuality, there is something I need to know. About us. We didn’t really talk last night after we…got past our first hurdle of misunderstanding." He picked up her hand and began to gently massage the back of it with his thumb.
"Sure. Whatever you want to know, Chakotay," she replied, shifting a little closer to him, folding her legs up behind her.
"I asked you what you envisioned happening if your seduction was successful. You said something about coming to me for a fix from time to time. Is that really all you want, or is it all you assumed I’d be willing to give you?" He gazed at her intently, his obsidian eyes willing her to give the "right" answer, knowing they were through before they started if all she wanted from him was sex.
She somehow sensed there was a right and wrong answer, and she searched his eyes looking for it. She hesitated.
"The truth, Sarah. Just tell me how you really feel," he urged gently.
"I…I want as much from you as you are willing to give," she said nervously. "You’ve always seemed so…unattainable, I guess I was afraid it would scare you off if I admitted I would be interested in a complete relationship."
Chakotay’s face blossomed into a full dimple alert, and Sarah sighed in relief. He squeezed her hand. "I’m very happy to hear you say that, Sarah. I would like to see if we can build a complete relationship. I don’t think I can be just a "fix" for you. It’s just not my style. I’d rather try to be your cure."
He leaned over and gathered her into his arms, and pressed soft kisses around her face before alighting on her lips and kissing her tenderly.
"Ummm, Chakotay?" she hummed.
"Yes," he replied, moving his lips across her cheek, headed for her ears.
"Sex can be part of the cure, can’t it?" she asked flirtatiously.
"Oh, absolutely," he answered, diving onto her sensitive neck and causing her to gasp and giggle.
"I have twenty minutes before I have to be back to work," she said in a low seductive voice, giving him a sensual smile promising all manner of delights.
"Oh, is that so," he replied in an equally aroused voice, and he reached for the zipper on her pants.
In moments they were both unclothed from the waist down, and she was impaled on him on the couch. She rocked on him; his big hands kneaded her derriere and pulled her down to him. One hand left her rear and crept around to her hooded bud, and with his knuckle he skillfully stimulated the area surrounding it, and her moaning and panting escalated.
The sound emanating from her throat began to get louder, and then she looked at him with a sort of comical desperate expression and clamped her mouth shut. After a few seconds, her face became more and more contorted, until at last she burst into hysterical laughter, much to Chakotay’s confusion. All lovemaking stopped, but her laughter caused her vaginal muscles to continue gripping his cock, giving him a most interesting sensation.
"What the hell has gotten into you," Chakotay asked, thoroughly bemused. "Criticizing my technique?"
"I’m trying not to scream!" Sarah choked out between guffaws. "I keep picturing Janeway’s reaction when she heard me last night! It’s like my mother hearing me have sex!" She calmed down to an occasional giggle, and he grinned broadly, his dimples beaming. "I’m sorry. Is our time up?" she asked.
"Not quite, and if you will get control of yourself, madam, I will try to finish both of us off," he said with a smile.
He slid them off the couch, still inside her, and lay atop her on the floor. He began thrusting hard, quickly returning them to the point where they had left off, and as her volume increased and her twinkling eyes threatened a reprise of the hilarity, he moved his hand to her mouth. She was then free to release her muffled scream, and both to release their climaxes, which they soon did.
Before parting, they agreed not to see each other that evening, but to have dinner in his quarters the following night.
/*\
Chakotay dined with Janeway that evening, and he related the main points of what Sarah had told him about her feelings toward Chako. Janeway was very subdued, and he fretted about how much all this was hurting her. Oh well. Their friendship had endured many trials over the years, and it would weather this one. She would adapt, though the transition might be rough.
/*\
The next day dragged on interminably; Chakotay thought Alpha shift would never end. When it finally did, he sprang from his seat and wasted no time in returning to his quarters to prepare for Sarah’s arrival. In a way, this was their first real date – yesterday’s lunch was too brief to count – and he wanted it to be special. This was the night that their relationship would really begin, where they would start learning all about each other’s minds, not just their bodies.
He arranged and lit several candles around the room, including a scented one that gave off a sensuous but subtle smell of roses.
He had just finished setting the table when the chime sounded, and he admitted Sarah. He was a little surprised to see that she was still wearing her uniform. He had changed into a cream-colored shirt and tan pants that suited his dark coloring perfectly.
She noted the question in his eyes as he surveyed her outfit, and smiled. "I couldn’t wear what I wanted to through the corridors without attracting attention. The rumors have already started, thanks to your little visit to the science lab yesterday. But I don’t think we want to feed that beast too much yet, do we?" He nodded. She held up a small bag. "Mind if I change in your bathroom?"
"Not at all," he replied, and she walked off to do so.
A few minutes later she reappeared, and Chakotay’s breath caught as she came into view. She was wearing the stunning leather outfit he had seen her in when she returned to Voyager, and she had let her hair down. She was barefoot. She smiled and struck a pose, one hand on her hip, the other on the doorframe.
"Wow," said Chakotay, swallowing hard. "You look…" Words failed him.
"Good enough to eat?" she filled in for him. "I put this on especially for you. You really like this outfit, don’t you?"
"Yes," he admitted. "How did you know?"
She slowly walked up to him, placed her hands on his chest, and smiled seductively. "Because your hard-on was the last thing I saw before they beamed me to sickbay on the day I got back."
Food would have to wait.
/*\
Eventually, they were able to get around to eating, as well as having some substantive conversation, getting to know each other a little better. As the hour became late, they agreed that for a while, at least, she would not stay in his quarters all night as she had the evening before last. She changed back into her uniform.
They exchanged a passionate kiss at his door, and then she slipped out and was gone.
Chakotay went to bed with a smile on his face and dreams of the future in his mind. Only one thing bothered him. During their conversation, Sarah had confided to him that she had an unexplained, perhaps irrational, feeling of dread that something bad was going to happen. He had reassured her that it was quite normal to have feelings like that after what she had been through. He thought he knew what she was really worried about, although neither of them said it: that Chako would somehow find his way to Voyager’s universe and try to take her back.
/*\
It was about 45 minutes into the morning shift when the call came.
"Graves to Tuvok," squawked the comm.
"Go ahead, Lieutenant," Tuvok answered, standing at his usual station.
"We need someone from Security with override authorization to get into Lt. Stanton’s quarters. She didn’t show up for her shift this morning, and she isn’t answering hails," reported Graves.
Chakotay bolted from his seat as if shot from a cannon. "I’ll take care of it, Tuvok," he said, hurrying to the lift.
Janeway also sprang up. "I’m coming with you, Commander. Tuvok, you have the bridge."
"Computer, locate Lt. Stanton," barked Chakotay as he and Janeway entered the turbo lift.
"Lt. Stanton is in her quarters," the familiar voice replied.
"Thank the spirits," he said to the ceiling. Looking at Janeway, he explained, "That means Chako hasn’t grabbed her. I think both of us are afraid he’s going to show up and try to get her back."
They walked briskly down the corridor to Sarah’s quarters, where they were met by Lt. Graves.
"Thanks," he said, a little surprised at who had arrived to handle this task. "We can’t imagine why she didn’t show up, but it’s got us worried."
"I’m sure," Janeway said. "We’ll take it from here, Lieutenant. Thank you for alerting us. You’re dismissed." He ambled off, surprised and a little annoyed that he had been sent away. But Janeway wanted to keep it to as few people as possible until she knew what was going on.
She gave her override code, and they quickly stepped into the room. "Lights, 100%," she commanded.
They could both see Stanton lying in her bed, completely still, the bedcovers tossed about as if she had had a restless night. Chakotay rushed to the bedside, but even before he got there, he knew there was no hurry. She was unnaturally pale, her skin strangely mottled, and when he reached out to touch her, his worst fears were confirmed. She was cold and stiff.
He turned to Janeway, his face contorted with agony. "She’s dead." He said it almost like a question; it was a question, it made no sense – how could this happen?
Janeway’s face went wide with horror. She snatched Stanton’s comm badge from where she found it on the floor next to her bedside table, slapped it onto the lifeless body and then hit her own.
"Janeway to Transporter Room 1. Emergency beam-out. Three from this location to sickbay."
/*\
"What’s going on?" asked the doctor as they appeared in sickbay. Chakotay lifted the inert form and placed her on a biobed, his face now a frozen mask. The doctor hurried to the bedside and began waving his tricorder probe.
Janeway answered. "We have no idea. She didn’t report for work this morning so we went to investigate. She…seems to be…" she trailed off.
"Dead." The doctor stated, appalled. "I’m very sorry. She’s dead, and has been for two to three hours. Any attempt to revive her at this point would clearly be futile."
Chakotay stared at the motionless body, his features unmoving, but his eyes filled with horror and grief. He turned and smacked his open palm full force into the bulkhead. The doctor jumped with surprise, and exchanged glances with Janeway. Her face clearly told him to ignore the commander’s actions.
"Any idea what killed her?" Janeway asked.
"Not yet. Give me a little time and I’m sure I will be able to tell you," he replied.
"Take precautions to preserve evidence. At this point, we have no idea whether it’s natural causes, homicide, or…" – she lowered her voice, hoping Chakotay would not hear – "…suicide." The look he shot her told her she had failed.
She activated her comm badge. "Janeway to Tuvok."
"I’m here, captain."
"Please post a guard outside Lt. Stanton’s quarters and make it off-limits to the transporters. No one is to go in until further notice. I’ll explain later."
"Understood."
"Janeway out." She walked over to Chakotay, who was leaning against the wall, his forehead resting on his forearm. "Come on, Chakotay, let’s go sit in the doc’s office and give him some breathing room to do his work." He let her lead him into the office. He sat heavily in a chair and buried his face in his hands.
"It makes no sense, Kathryn. Nine hours ago she was alive, vital, vibrant. Full of promise. How could this happen? Why?" He looked up at her, and the pain in his face broke her heart.
"We’re going to find out, Chakotay. We’re going to find out." She reached out and rubbed his shoulder, trying to infuse some comfort into him.
/*\
Half an hour later, the doctor walked in, his face somber. The command team looked up at him, their faces full of anticipation. He sat at his desk. "Well, I believe I know what killed her. This is a new one for the Starfleet medical files."
"Well, let’s hear it. Don’t keep us in suspense," snapped Janeway.
"Very well. Her immediate cause of death was anaphylactic shock – a violent allergic reaction. Her airway closed up, probably in a matter of seconds. She was unable to summon help, and if it came on in her sleep, she was probably so disoriented that she couldn’t even get out of bed.
Chakotay looked even more stricken. If only he had asked her to stay with him. She would probably still be alive.
"What was the allergen? Or can you tell?" asked Janeway.
"That’s the fascinating part. It seems that Lt. Stanton was pregnant…" he was interrupted as Chakotay’s head whipped upward violently.
"She WHAT? How long?" he demanded.
The doctor shrank back, very puzzled at Chakotay’s demeanor through all of this. "About three weeks. She was impregnated by your counterpart in the mirror universe."
"But doctor, you examined her thoroughly when she returned. Why didn’t you detect the pregnancy then?" asked Janeway, confused.
"Captain, as you recall, her reproductive system was virtually flooded with sperm when she arrived back on Voyager. Conception can occur two or even three days after intercourse. Undoubtedly, she had not yet conceived when I examined her, but did shortly thereafter," he explained none too patiently.
"Alright, but what does that have to do with her death?" she prodded.
"I cannot tell whether this is a generalized response in all humanoids, but apparently in her case, she was biologically incompatible with the individual from the mirror universe with whom she…er, mated. Instead of the usual response to this situation, that is, conception fails to occur, or a doomed embryo expires within days or weeks, in this case, she suffered a fatal allergic reaction to the embryo. I would guess that it had just reached a stage of development where it was releasing a hormone that would, under ordinary circumstances, trigger the mother’s body to move along in its gestational process. But in her case…it triggered an allergic reaction that killed her. It’s a pity I don’t have more data to determine whether this is a normal outcome when beings from the different universes mate. Starfleet Medical will be very interested in this." The doctor related all of this with a concerned expression, but at the same time it was evident that he was proud of himself for solving the mystery.
He continued, hesitantly, with a bit of bafflement on his face. "There is one thing that I can’t quite make sense of, though."
Chakotay looked at him, and dispassionately said, "You found evidence of very recent intercourse."
"Why, yes," the doctor replied, taken aback at Chakotay’s insight. "I haven’t checked to see who…"
Chakotay interrupted. "You needn’t bother. It was me. Sarah and I had recently begun a relationship."
The doctor looked positively startled for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Ahhh, now I understand your depth of interest. I’m very sorry, Commander."
"So am I." He stared at the floor, sighed heavily, then stood up. "If you don’t mind, I’d like to say goodbye to her. Alone. I’ll return to the bridge shortly, Captain."
"Chakotay, you don’t have to…" Janeway started.
"Yes, I do. I’m not going to go brood in my quarters. That won’t bring her back." He shook his head, then walked out of the office.
He walked over to the covered shape on the biobed. Briefly hesitating, he peeled the sheet back to reveal Sarah’s pale face. He gazed at her silently for several minutes, and his hot tears dampened her cheeks. He fingered her chestnut hair. "Goodbye, Sarah. It was fun while it lasted." He kissed her cold forehead, then moved the sheet back over her face and walked out of sickbay.
He reflected on how different this goodbye was from his last moments of closure with Seska’s still form. They had been way past the end of their journey together, and in saying goodbye he had tried to pack away all of the hurt and anger she had caused him. But Sarah – they were just beginning. The beginning was now the end. Was he being punished by some higher power? Was he fated to never find true love and happiness? Maybe he and Sarah wouldn’t have been good together, but for god’s sake, why couldn’t he even have the opportunity to find out?
/*\
A few weeks passed, and the crew gradually got over the shock of Lt. Stanton’s unexpected death. Even Chakotay was recovering, though Janeway noticed he would go for long periods on the bridge without cracking a smile. Her initial efforts to get him to talk about it, to open up to her, had been rebuffed, but she was determined to be there for him. So many times, she hadn’t been.
She invited him to dinner in her quarters, and was relieved and pleased when he accepted. After an enjoyable meal – replicated, of course – they adjourned to the couch to drink wine, stare out the viewport, and talk.
"How are you doing, my friend?" she asked him sincerely, trying not to let any pity creep into her voice. She knew the last thing he wanted was to be pitied.
"Better. I was finally able to successfully go on a vision quest a few nights ago, and that helped. Helped me let go of some of my guilt," he confided.
"Guilt?" Janeway repeated, puzzled. "What do you have to feel guilty about? Survivor’s guilt? There but for the grace of God go I?"
He was silent for a minute. "Not really. It’s more specific. She and I had agreed she wouldn’t spend the whole night in my quarters, at least not for a while. I guess we were trying to be more respectable. But if she had been there…just a hypospray of epinephrine in time probably would have saved her." He shook his head.
"Chakotay, there’s no way you could have known. You can’t blame yourself," Janeway reassured him.
"Maybe not, but…there’s more. That night, one of the things we discussed was that she had this feeling of dread, something she couldn’t put her finger on. I attributed it to a general feeling of vulnerability due to having been a prisoner. But maybe, subconsciously, her body was trying to tell her something…if I had heeded that clue, and kept her with me that night…" he trailed off helplessly.
"20/20 hindsight, Chakotay. Second-guessing all your actions that night won’t change anything." She shook her head. "I know what you’re going through. I’ve gone through it more times than I care to recount in the last seven years. Starting with my choice of routes through the Badlands when I was trying to find your Maquis ship, to destroying the Caretaker’s array, to every single death this crew has suffered. Including Sarah’s. I blame myself for all of them, I analyze and re-analyze every move, trying to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. But lots of times, there was no mistake. Things just…happen. Death happens." She picked up Chakotay’s hand and squeezed it. "It wasn’t your fault." She dropped his hand.
He looked down at the floor. "I know." He turned to face her. "Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one deluded enough to think that I can change the course of the universe." He smiled.
"You’re welcome. I hope you feel better now," she said, giving him her special lop-sided grin.
They were both quiet for a few minutes, watching the stars streak by.
"Chakotay," Janeway said softly.
"Yes, Kathryn?" he replied.
She was nervous. Maybe it was too soon for this conversation, but she had been holding onto it since Stanton’s death, and she needed to let it out.
"Don’t take this the wrong way. I would never want to imply that there was anything good about Sarah’s death, but…I feel grateful, in a way…because I feel like I’ve been given another chance." She looked at him guilelessly, preparing to lay her heart open to him.
"Another chance?" he repeated, looking at her strangely, as if she had suddenly appeared and he had never seen her before.
"You were exactly right, you know, about my jealousy. It wasn’t just misery loves company. I…I couldn’t believe how absolute my anguish was when I realized that you were going to try to build a life with another woman. I didn’t really expect you to wait for me, to wait until we returned to the Alpha Quadrant, but…I was unprepared for my reaction." She looked into his deep brown eyes and revealed her very soul to him. "If it’s not too late, Chakotay, if I haven’t completely screwed things up…I want to say the hell with protocol and try to have the relationship you wanted us to have a long time ago." She gazed at him with love spilling from every fiber of her, willing him to still feel the same about her.
Chakotay sat silently for a minute, as if too dazed to reply. Janeway began to despair, thinking that he no longer wanted her and was trying to think of a way to let her down easy. Finally he spoke, in strong and measured tones.
"There is no "try," Kathryn. There is only "do." If we cross this bridge, and embark on this journey together, it’s for life. No trial period. No pulling apart if the going gets rough. If you want me, I want it all. Marriage. ‘Til death do us part. Maybe even children, if you can see your way clear to do that." He paused, gathering himself, and she could see all his emotions struggling to make themselves known. "I have always loved you, even when I told myself I didn’t anymore. But I can’t give myself to you halfway, and I won’t accept halfway from you. If you are prepared to commit to spending the rest of your life with me, as my wife and my lover…then no, it’s not too late, Kathryn."
A few weeks ago, such a speech would have sent Janeway running as fast as she could in the opposite direction. But now she understood like never before that she was beyond lucky to have another chance at love and happiness with the most wonderful man in the universe, and she was not about to squander it.
She took both his hands in hers, and fixed her eyes on
his, connecting with him, becoming one with him. "Yes, Chakotay. I will
commit to spending the rest of my life with you. I will be your wife. ‘Til
death do us part." Slowly they came together, their lips joined, and their
life as one commenced.
The End (thought it would never come, eh?)