Repressed No More, Part 2

rated NC-17

/*\

Waiting was hard, very hard. She wanted to respect his wishes to wait for him to come to her, but with every passing minute the wait became more difficult. It had been nearly two hours since the computer had informed her that Chakotay had left the holodeck. He had been in his quarters since then. What must he be going through, stewing at the scene of the crime?

She could not stand it anymore. "Janeway to Torres."

"Go ahead, Captain."

"Can you meet me in my quarters in five minutes? I need help with a…problem."

"Acknowledged. I’ll be there in five, Captain. Torres out."

B’Elanna pressed the chime only a minute after Janeway arrived from her ready room. The door opened and she stepped into the captain’s quarters. Janeway looked a little haggard and there was a look of deep concern on her face. "Captain?"

"Thank you for coming, B’Elanna. I have a favor to ask of you, but first tell me – how are you? Are you having any trouble with the ramifications of this…ordeal? Has it caused any problems between you and Tom?"

"Well, I feel like a complete p'taq, but I’ll get over it. Tom and I are fine. It’s not like I shot him or anything – Chakotay might want to be sure not to run into him in any dark corridors for a while, though." Janeway looked slightly alarmed. "I’m kidding, Captain. Tom knows Chakotay would never have phasered him if he had been in his right mind. He isn’t going to hold it against him," B’Elanna reassured her.

Janeway’s brow knit and her face was very serious. "B’Elanna, I’m anxious about how Chakotay is reacting to this. He’s taking it very hard. He thinks…he’s convinced that he…" -- she chose her words carefully – "…hurt me much more than he actually did. He hasn’t been able to face me yet, since the mutiny ended. He specifically requested that I not contact him until he was ready. But he hasn’t talked to anyone. He’s holed up in his quarters. You are his oldest friend on Voyager. Maybe he’ll talk to you. I just need to be sure he isn’t going to…do anything drastic."

B’Elanna eyed the captain quizzically. Yes, it had taken Chakotay a while to bounce back from some of the scrapes he had been through – many of the crew had had similar difficulties at one time or another – but the captain’s concern seemed especially intense this time. Perhaps it was because of her own ordeal, losing control of her ship?

"You know I would do anything for Chakotay. He’s like a brother to me."

"Thanks, B’Elanna."

She hit her comm badge. "Torres to Chakotay." She paused for a moment, giving him a chance to answer. Silence. "Torres to Chakotay. I need to talk to you. You might as well answer, I’m talking to you one way or another." No answer.

Janeway looked at her and nodded, and they walked out her door and down the corridor to Chakotay’s suite. B’Elanna chimed twice. Still no answer. Janeway tapped in her override and the door slid open.

Chakotay was not visible from the doorway. B’Elanna stepped into the darkened room; Janeway did as well, but remained in a corner of the small entry vestibule, where she was hidden from a large part of the room. B’Elanna was surprised that Janeway had followed her in, but she said nothing.

"Get the hell out. I don’t feel like talking." A low growl came from the floor. B’Elanna whirled around. Chakotay was sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up, elbows propped on them, with his back against the wall on the same side of the room as the door. He still wore his boxing trunks and t-shirt. He was staring out the viewport on the opposite side of the room.

"Lights, 50 percent," B’Elanna demanded. Janeway pulled herself tighter into the corner of the vestibule to avoid being seen.

"Chakotay! In the name of Kahless, what happened? You look like you’ve been 10 rounds with a battalion of Klingons!" Janeway fought the urge to round the corner, to see what B'Elanna was seeing. What had happened? When she checked up on him in the holodeck, he had appeared to be unscathed.

Both Chakotay’s eyes were bruised and swollen, one nearly shut, his lip was split and bloody; a cut above his left eye had added a jagged red line to his indigo tattoo and had dripped blood down the side of his face and onto his t-shirt. His hair was matted with sweat and blood. His regal aquiline nose was broken. His breathing seemed labored.

B’Elanna knelt down in front of him. "Who did this to you, Chakotay?"

"I did."

B'Elanna hesitated. "I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Who did this?"

"I did. It wasn’t a battalion of Klingons in 10 rounds. It was me in 15."

"Chakotay, you aren’t making good sense – are you punch drunk? What do you mean it was you?"

"I created a hologram of myself. I made him 15 kilos heavier and 3 inches taller. I gave him superior boxing ability. Then I told him what I’d done and let him beat the shit out of me until I couldn’t get up anymore."

Janeway’s heart sank and she covered her face with her hand. Chakotay wasn’t the victorious boxer she had seen – he was the battered opponent who was struggling to get up.

"But why, Chakotay? Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I needed to be punished for what I did. The worst they’ll do to me is put me in the brig for a few millennia. That doesn’t begin to atone for my actions."

"Chakotay, they weren’t YOUR actions. You weren’t responsible, you were the victim of mind control!" B'Elanna threw her hands in the air. "Besides, you didn’t do anything the rest of us didn’t do. I know you were in charge, but…"

"You don’t KNOW what I did," Chakotay roared.

"Well, I did hear about you having Tuvok fire at the captain, and I can see how…"

"THAT’S NOT IT. You have NO IDEA what I’ve done, B'Elanna, and I can never make up for it." Chakotay became more agitated by the moment.

"Then tell me. Just what did you do that was so awful?"

Chakotay’s face was contorted with anguish. "I RAPED HER, B'Elanna. I forced myself on the woman I love more than anything else in the universe! Oh gods, I’m just like those godforsaken Cardassian bastards that violated my people." Chakotay’s hands pulled at his hair and he was crying uncontrollably. "More than six years I’ve waited patiently until she was ready to throw protocol out the window and accept all of me…all that waiting for nothing. I’ll never be able to face her again, even if she could face me." He buried his face in his hands, muffling his choked voice. "I just want to die."

B'Elanna’s face went wide with astonishment. No wonder he was flagellating himself. It was rare that B'Elanna was at a loss for words, but this was one of those times. She flashed a quick look toward where she knew Janeway was standing. *Thanks a lot, it might have helped if you warned me about what I was dealing with here, lady.*

She crouched closer to him and wrapped her hand around his forearm. "Listen to me, Chakotay. Whatever happened, she has forgiven you. She is the one that sent me to talk to you. She’s very worried about you. And she’s OK – I don’t know what you did to her, or what you think you did to her, but her exact words to me were ‘he’s convinced he hurt me much more than he actually did.’ Chakotay, you’re not a monster. You were not in control. She knows that. She needs you."

"She needs me to space myself," he snarled morosely.

B'Elanna was surprised to see Janeway step out from the vestibule. Janeway jerked her head toward the door, indicating that B'Elanna should leave. She stood. "Well, I’ll let her speak for herself." B'Elanna quickly left.

Janeway walked slowly over to Chakotay and knelt in front of him. She flinched as she surveyed his injuries. He turned his head to try to avoid her gaze. He wore his guilt and shame like a noose.

"Oh, my beautiful Chakotay…what have you done to yourself." She reached out and tentatively touched his face, following a line of dried blood down his cheek. A few tears began to trickle down her own cheeks. "I do forgive you. What can I say that will make you forgive yourself?"

Chakotay’s whisper was so low that Janeway had to strain to hear him. "I’m not worthy of your forgiveness."

"Don’t talk like that. You are only unworthy of forgiveness if you refuse to crawl back out of the depths you’ve let yourself sink into. Don’t you see, Chakotay? If you don’t come back from this, you’ve let Teero win. I already lost you to Teero once." She covered Chakotay’s hands with hers and massaged them rhythmically. "Please – I can’t stand to lose you again. I need you. Gods only know how much I need you." She dropped her head and sighed as if defeated. She had very little emotional energy left to wage this battle, and she didn’t seem to be getting through to him. Her hands stopped their movement.

"Do you know what the worst part was, Chakotay? The worst part was not having you supporting me, backing me up with your silent strength that I’ve come to depend on in every crisis – as dependable as my very breath." She paused for several moments, recalling the ordeal. Chakotay had dropped his head low and he stared expressionless at the floor.

"But it’s the strangest thing," she said, cocking her head suddenly, a look of wonder on her face, "in a way you did help me through it."

He looked at her as if she were insane, but said nothing.

"I thought of you on New Earth, how you told me to accept what life had dealt us and find the good in it."

He stared at her, incredulous. "What good could you possibly find in what I did?" he said hoarsely.

"It forced me to realize just how deeply I need you, and love you, and want you. I admitted to myself I can’t hide behind protocol anymore. It became clear to me that when I got you back – and I knew I would get you back, I had to – that I wouldn’t push you away anymore, that we would be together the way we should have been for years. This ship will survive if I break the rules – gods know I’ve broken enough other ones – but I’m not sure I can survive without you. I love you, Chakotay. Please let me help you." Her blue eyes met his dark ones, and he did not look away this time. They stared at one another intently, silently, for several moments.

"I love you more than my own life, Kathryn. Hurting you is more than I can bear. How can I possibly start to make it up to you?" He searched her face with a questioning look.

"Right now there are three things I want you to do."

"Anything, Kathryn. Anything for you."

"First – you must promise me that you are not considering suicide. You told B’Elanna that you wanted to die, that I needed you to ‘space yourself.’" She took his face in her hands and looked him straight in the eye. "Please believe me when I say that if you are going to kill yourself, kill me too, because I will not survive that."

Chakotay looked at her somberly. "I won’t kill myself. If I were capable of it I would already be dead."

The gravity and truth of his answer sent a shiver through her, and she paused before continuing.

"Second – we’re going to sickbay. Seeing you in pain does nothing to heal my own." Chakotay nodded. "Then, after I’m sure things have settled back down to normal on the ship, and you’ve had a chance to shower and rest, I want to make love with you."

Chakotay gasped and he looked panicky. "Kathryn, you can’t mean…not so soon…"

She interrupted him with a soft finger to his lips. "We’re going to make love – really make love. For the FIRST time. We have to replace the bad memory with a good one."

His eyes searched hers with concern. "Kathryn, you can’t really believe it’s that easy."

She was silent for a moment; she shrugged her shoulders and looked plaintive. "No. It isn’t that easy. But it’s a step in the right direction. My people have a saying" – she smiled slightly at her use of the phrase she had so often heard when he was counseling her – "you have to get right back on the horse that threw you. Otherwise, you let your fear rule you. Maybe it is too soon. I won’t push you, but I want you in my bed tonight even if we are only sleeping. I think we’re both going to have nightmares over this, and I don’t want either one of us waking up alone." She smiled at him. "We both have a lot of healing to do – together. We can help each other."

Chakotay gazed at her for a long time, his sad face beginning to brighten. "Your smile is better medicine than anything the doctor could use on me," he said earnestly.

He stretched his legs out straight and opened his arms in invitation. Janeway crawled into his lap and they encircled one another gently, solemnly, and he pressed a light kiss on her auburn tresses. The healing had begun.

After sharing comfort in this way for several minutes, Janeway pulled back. "I would love to sit like this with you forever, Chakotay, but I want to get you to sickbay."

Chakotay nodded.

"Janeway to sickbay."

"This is the EMH. Go ahead."

"Doctor, is there anyone else in sickbay right now?" she asked.

"No, Captain, I am alone," he replied.

"Good. I’ll be transporting there shortly with a patient for you. Please erect a privacy screen." She did not want members of the crew to see Chakotay in his present state. It would be hard to explain that he had done this to himself, and doubly hard to explain why. It wouldn’t do anyone’s morale any good after the ordeal everyone had been through to see that their first officer was literally beating himself up about it.

"Certainly, Captain, what sort of medical problem…"

"I’ll explain when we get there. Janeway out." She ordered a site to site transport for both of them.

/*\

As they materialized in sickbay, the doctor made no attempt to hide his disgust at what he presumed was the cause of the commander’s injuries.

"Commander, it is simply beyond me that you persist in abusing yourself in this manner…"

Janeway raised her hand and turned her patented death glare on him to stop him short. "Please skip the lecture today, doctor. This was not the usual recreational boxing match. Commander Chakotay is a little worked up about his involvement in the mutiny and he could use some understanding, not a scolding."

"I see. I’m sorry. Very well, Commander, let’s see if I can patch you back together." He picked up a dermal regenerator as Chakotay lay back on the biobed.

"I trust that no one will become aware of the extent of his injuries. That knowledge will do nothing to repair crew morale," said the captain.

"Absolutely, Captain. Doctor-patient confidentiality forbids it. I will ensure that the privacy screen remains in place until his appearance is back to normal."

"Good." She turned to Chakotay and placed her hand on his chest. "I need to return to the bridge. You rest after the doctor fixes you up, then I’d like us to have dinner together in my quarters. 1900 hours?"

Chakotay placed his hand on top of hers. "I’d like that. But I don’t want to spend the afternoon resting. I think I need to return to duty. I spent enough time brooding in my quarters. The crew needs to see the command structure back to normal."

Janeway leaned over him and searched his face solemnly. "You may be right, Chakotay. Are you sure you’re up to it?"

"I have to be." He gave her just a hint of a smile, and whispered so that only she could hear. "You need me."

"That I do, Commander." Her lopsided smile was full of emotion. She left the room quickly before those emotions could spill over as tears.

/*\

Torres was surprised and relieved to see Chakotay walking through the doors of engineering. It had been a little over an hour since she had left his quarters, and with her tormented friend occupying her thoughts, she had been unable to accomplish much.

"Chakotay! The captain told me you were doing better, but it’s nice to see it for myself. The doctor does good work; you can barely tell," she said in a low voice, so as not to be overheard. She motioned him over into a quiet corner where they could talk more privately.

Chakotay did not smile. "Yes, he seems to meet every challenge I throw at him. The captain even managed to squelch his usual lecture this time." He paused. "I just came to thank you for your help earlier. Without you and the captain, I guess I’d still be sitting there, digging myself a deeper and blacker hole."

"That’s what friends are for, Chakotay, and you have a whole ship full of them. Don’t ever forget that. I’ve lost count of the times you’ve helped me through a rough patch. Remember after we learned that most of our Maquis friends were dead, and I went through that period when I was doing all those crazy things, like orbital sky diving in the holodeck with the safeties off?"

Chakotay nodded. "I remember it well. You scared the hell out of me. I thought we were losing you."

"It’s not a stretch to say that you probably saved my life. If you hadn’t brought me back to my senses, sooner or later my luck would have run out and I would have been killed. The point is, Chakotay, that you have to be able to accept help as well as give it. Don’t ever let yourself get into a place that dark again without talking to me, or the captain, or someone. Promise?"

"I promise." He looked at B’Elanna soberly, briefly lay his hand on her shoulder, then turned and walked out of engineering.

/*\

It was about 1500 hours when Chakotay stepped off the turbo lift onto the bridge. Chakotay walked hesitantly, noticing an almost imperceptible, but apparently negative, reaction from Tuvok. Janeway noticed it as well and cursed inwardly. The last thing Chakotay needed was guilt trip from the person who had been the conduit for this whole debacle. He continued toward his seat.

"Commander, it’s good to have you back on the bridge," the captain said, trying to sound neutral.

"And in the right uniform, too," Paris interjected blithely, grinning broadly until he saw Janeway’s death glare aimed at him.

Chakotay resisted the urge to snarl at him, instead he walked over to the con and said somberly, "Sorry I shot you when I was…possessed. No hard feelings?" He extended his hand to Tom.

Paris was a bit surprised, but he gripped Chakotay’s hand and shook it. "None at all, Chakotay."

"Good." The commander walked over to his seat and sat down. He raised his console and began punching at it as Janeway watched him intently. She noticed that the displays he was calling up had nothing to do with anything – he was simply making a show of working. Well, what did she expect. They were both the walking wounded, he much more so than she, maybe it was enough at this point that they could go through the motions. She didn’t know whether to wish for a sudden appearance of hostile aliens, to snap them out of their depression, or to be damn glad they didn’t have to face an outside crisis at the moment.

What bothered her the most was that he didn’t smile. She realized that while they had won a battle, the war was far from over. She hoped that she could work toward victory that night.

/*\

Their shift ended, and after changing out of their uniforms, they met in Janeway’s quarters and shared a quiet dinner. Neither of them said much while they ate. Afterwards, they moved to the couch to drink some coffee. Janeway put her hand on Chakotay’s shoulder, caressing him gently with her thumb.

"Let’s talk about it, Chakotay. We’re both very good at telling others to let their feelings out, but we don’t seem to be able to follow our own advice."

"No, Kathryn, we don’t." He reflected on all that had happened. "You know, when you talked to me in my quarters, you talked about what this…ordeal made you realize. But you didn’t talk about the ordeal itself. How it made you feel. I just keep thinking about the look on your face when I pushed you against the wall."

He got up and walked over to where he had first attacked her the night before; he put both hands flat against the wall and bowed his head until his forehead touched it as well. "Right here," he said in a low voice laced with anguish. "I saw…fear, disgust, horror, the pain of betrayal. I saw all those emotions in you. I caused all those emotions in you. I’m having trouble reconciling all of that with how you have forgiven me, with your admission that you love me, with your desire to…continue a physical relationship with me." He turned and looked at her with intense bewilderment. "What was going through your mind? What’s going through it now?"

Janeway templed her hands and rubbed her face against them as she pondered an answer to his questions. "I don’t know if I can adequately explain it. I don’t know if I understand it myself. I felt… schizophrenic. My mind split in two last night. Half of me was horrified that you could force yourself on me under any circumstances. The other half…" She stared intently at Chakotay. "…the other half was reveling in finally having a physical relationship with you. I’d wanted you for such a long time. Gods, Chakotay, I didn’t fake those orgasms. A woman who is being raped doesn’t have orgasms. I wanted it as much as I didn’t want it. Does that make any sense?" She looked at him inquiringly, shrugging, her hands out with palms upward.

Chakotay regarded her intently. "I don’t know. I guess…I guess it does."

"What about you? What were you feeling? And what do you feel now?"

"What did I feel?" Chakotay knit his brow, cogitating. "I…I’m not sure. My feelings were sort of locked away when Teero’s mind control took hold. I remember what I did, but my feelings…I don’t know…just a powerful, naked lust. I wanted you so much. I just wanted to pound into you…" He flinched at the memory. "…And I wanted to control you. I felt compelled to pin you down, even though you weren’t resisting…"

Janeway felt herself becoming aroused at the memory of his control.

"And now? What do you feel now?" she asked, her voice husky.

"Guilt. Fear." He looked into her eyes. "Fear that if we become intimate again I will be driven by that same lust and that same need for control."

Janeway was quiet for a few moments. She was breathing more heavily and trembling a little. "Don’t fear it," she said in a low whisper.

"Why not? What do you mean?" Chakotay said, cautious and perplexed.

Janeway pushed up from the couch and began to pace. She spoke with difficulty. "It’s hard for me to admit this. Even to myself, let alone to you." She hesitated for a minute, while Chakotay looked at her, puzzled. She would not meet his eyes. "But I… I liked it. It was an incredible sexual rush when you restrained my hands, and forced me open to you. That first climax was the most intense I've ever had." Chakotay looked at her in astonishment. She continued shakily. "Out there," she said, jerking her head toward the door, "I always have to be in control. Or pretend to be. Every damn day, for the last six years. No, not just six years. Always. I’m such a control freak. But last night…something about you being in complete control was…liberating." She shook her head. "It doesn’t make any sense. I must be going insane." She stopped pacing and stood staring out the viewport. "But I want you that way…again…even more now that you are yourself and the danger isn’t real." She exhaled forcefully. "That must seem sick to you."

Chakotay was quiet for a minute. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. "No, it doesn’t. Even the great Captain Kathryn Janeway needs a break from command once in a while. I understand it better than you might think. I was a starship captain, too, remember. I think that my need to give up control once in a while was the only reason I became involved with Seska." He turned Janeway to face him, and looked at her with a hint of a smirk. Desire was dispelling his depression. "So is that what you want – you want me to control you?" He caressed her face softly with his hand.

Her face showed uncertainty as she tried to think it through; simultaneously she was becoming more aroused by his proximity. "Not always…we have to be equal partners in this relationship…but right now…" She looked at him with her craving evident, and said in a throaty voice… "I would like nothing better than for you to shove me up against this viewport and screw me senseless."

Chakotay’s dark eyes began to burn with the heat he felt for her. He bent over her, inches from her face. "But if you tell me what to do to you, I’m not in control, am I?" he said in a seductive whisper. He put his arms around her in a bruising embrace and gave her a savage kiss to match. It took her breath away. He ran one marauding hand down her back and across her rear, pulling her tightly to him. She could feel him hardening against her.

Chakotay’s other hand pulled her blouse out from her skirt and slipped underneath. He made quick work of unfastening her bra. Then he began bunching her skirt until he could reach her panties; he tore them off in one motion. Janeway gasped in surprise. "Be careful what you ask for, Kathryn," he murmured in her ear. She was grasping at his shirt, trying to undress him, but he pushed her hand away.

Before she knew what was happening, he had lifted her up to carry her. She wrapped her legs around his waist. Instead of heading for the bedroom as she assumed he would, he carried her to the dining table, blew out the candles, and with a sweep of his arm he cleared half the table. He laid her down on top of it and quickly unzipped his pants, pulling his waiting erection free. He pushed her blouse up, then her skirt, testing her readiness with his fingers. She moaned when he touched her; she was definitely ready.

Unceremoniously he penetrated her to the hilt with one thrust; she yelped with surprise and pleasure. He bent over her and seized her hands, restraining them against the table, and tongued and sucked her erect nipples. He slammed into her, harder and harder, and she panted and moaned as she climbed toward her release.

She shrieked as her orgasm exploded and rippled through her body. He followed with a groan moments later. When he could move, he pulled her off of the table onto the floor on top of him. They collapsed in a heap, their sweaty bodies entangled.

"I guess I was dessert," Janeway mumbled.

"The sweetest I ever had," Chakotay answered, and covered her mouth with his. He kissed her gently, reverently, in stark contrast to the feral way he had just taken her.

"So was that therapeutic for you? You seem to be recovering from your melancholy. I know I am." She held him tightly.

"Yes, I guess it was – but only because I know you wanted it. You’re the cure for what ails me, Kathryn. You always have been. Of course, you’ve also been the cause!" He laughed.

She looked at him and smiled. "That’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh today. It’s music to my ears, Chakotay. You have no idea how worried I’ve been."

"I know, Kathryn." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I was as low as I’ve ever been. It scared me too." He pulled his head back and gazed at her intently. "It’s incredible the power of your love. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving a damn."

"You mean everything to me, Chakotay. I don’t know how I kept you at arm’s length for so long. I know we were meant to be together."

Chakotay smiled blissfully. "Gods, Kathryn, I don’t deserve you."

"I know, love, but you’re saddled with me anyway," she grinned.

He stood up and pulled her after him. "Come on. Now that we’ve chased the demons away I want to try it the slow, gentle way. The bed is softer and you can be on top this time."

The End